Okay, first off, I have my kinks and you have your kinks, and they don’t always mesh. I haven’t seen the acronym around much lately, but back in the day, web kinksters used to write some variation of: YKINMKBYKIOK: Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay. This was a sly nod to the 70s Transactional Analysis psycho-pops, one of which was a book called “I’m OK, You’re OK”.
I’m okay with that. Really.
But sometimes…
On a recent discussion in a chastity-related group, somebody posted a comment to the effect that wearing a device should make one feel, well:
“[...]I think you’re supposed to feel emasculated.”
Unfortunately, this stereotype is pretty much the first thing that most vanilla-ish people — especially women who have been pointed to the various sites by hopeful male partners — run into, and it turns them off. I’ve had a few private emails and comments over the years as to this little kink that Mrs. Edge and I have grown into, and in the past I haven’t really known how to respond, so I’ve just kind of ignored them. But as we’ve gotten more into this, I’m beginning to feel more motivated to explain how this works.¹
The worthless worm BDSM model, and its cousin, the Small Penis Humiliation kink, are certainly kinks that some people enjoy, and more power to them. But most vanilla people find it very difficult to accept that such belittling or humiliation kinks without thinking that you have some other deep-seated security issues. Sub/bottom males are portrayed in in the media as whiney, weak, worthless cross-dressers, and generally it’s done for laughs. I mean, how sad that you’d actually want to be whipped or made to eat from a dog bowl, right?
And perhaps I’m the one with the security issues, because I cringe whenever I hear one of my vanilla friends make some disparaging remark about such a character in some movie or tv show. But such negative attitudes affect us, the kinksters. Like many men, I’m not out cruising fetish clubs, and I don’t have a wide variety of partners to choose from — I’m married and trying work out something that both my wife and I can live with. Trying to explain what I like or feel to her gets lost when she does an internet search and the first (and the majority of!) images she sees are Mistress Cruella and her sissified sissy slut. Totally not her — nor her idea of who she wants to be, nor of who she wants me to be. And while things are better between us now, it was very difficult to explain anything to her when the first images that popped inter her head were of those groveling “worthless worm” types of men, and the overly dramatic “Crawl, you little bitch!” vinyl clad dommes.
Fortunately for us, we’ve managed to learn how to communicate with each other a bit better. I’m fortunate in that I can generally express what I want and feel, even if it takes me a few tries, and Mrs. Edge is learning to keep a more open mind, and that there is a certain give & take in how we approach things now.
We’ve managed to have a few conversations about the chastity and OD thing, and we’re finding that it has grown on her immensely in the last few years, especially when I explain that I enjoy playing for longer periods of time. She has mostly gotten over feeling that it’s too cruel, a throwback to those teenage years when men used to swear that their balls would explode from not having had sex. And as she learns to appreciate my constant touching (and groping) while in my state of frustrated arousal, she also finds a perverse pleasure in her feelings of control over that part of me. And that brings me to my main point.
One of the reasons that she kinks on chastity and denying me, is that she sees it as having power over a part of me that in itself is powerful. Mrs. Edge does not lock up my “worthless little dickie” (or worse, my “sissy clitty”… ugh, sorry, just the term grates on me). Rather, she locks up my cock – my thick, raging, turgid, veiny, purple, manly, hard cock. She does it — she enjoys it — because she’s asserting her authority over something that needs to be controlled; at times she even hides the keys from herself, by leaving them at work over the weekend, because she has a hard time resisting the temptation to use my cock — or rather, to have me use it on her. And it’s a strong temptation because I can use it pretty well.
See, Mrs. Edge is very practical-minded. Why would she need to bother locking up my cock if it were worthless? That idea completely escapes her; if it’s worthless, then what’s the point? Why even bother with it? Just let it loose and ignore it, then you don’t need to put up with the whining and cleaning and all that. Worthless? No, not for her, and certainly not what she envisions for herself or for me.
No, she wants it caged and controlled. She wants dominion over my cock because she knows how enjoyable it can be for her. She wants to make sure that I’m ready for those occasions when she wants it, and she wants my manly, male energy tightly controlled so that she can focus it at her own discretion. She wants my testosterone flowing, and knows that keeping me sexually edgy has many benefits for her, whether or not she chooses to unlock it. No, Mrs. Edge wants me locked up not because I’m worthless, but because I’m valuable. And that, my friends, makes me feel very special, indeed.
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¹ Hey, GLBT activists have been around for decades, and BDSM activists are making inroads. Maybe we need a T&D / OD activist?
