I haven’t checked my LiveJournal account in so long that I’d forgotten that I had one. I’ve been busy lately, and over the last few years have had to narrow down my online activities so as not to interfere with work, exercise, family, sleep, and the various other little hobbies and projects that I get sucked into doing involved with. And for that matter, I would have thought that anybody who knows me would have tried to contact me on this blog instead of the LJ account, which hasn’t had a post in a couple of years.
So I was surprised to see a message notification the other day, and after half a dozen tries to remember my password, I logged in to read this message:
I am Miss Sarahleigh. I saw your profile, and I thought that you might need some goddess worship in your life. I AM perfect. In every way, shape, and form. I am smarter than you, and more successful. You, are just a pathetic loser. If you are interested in this, message me. We will make arrangements.
Miss Sarahleigh
Wow! This is exactly what I’ve been looking for in my life. I mean, how could I possibly pass up such an opportunity?
Oh, wait – it’s because I’m not interested in being scammed suckered financially dommed.
Well, because I’m a gentleman, I certainly wasn’t going to leave her hanging, so I sent off a response as quickly as I could.
Dear Ms. Saraleigh -
Thank you for taking the time to submit your application to be my personal Goddess. While I have many such offers, I try to respond personally so as to make sure that each applicant understands what is involved in the process.
I am sorry to say that your application, although brief, suggests that you may not be considered for the position. However, in the interest of assisting a first-time applicant, allow me to offer up some constructive criticism in case you decide to apply in the future.
First of all, insisting that you are perfect in the second sentence is coming on a bit strong. While we appreciate assertiveness, there is a fine line between a bold applicant and a rash one. This impression was borne out by the somewhat imperfect use of punctuation (specifically, periods and commas) in the next several sentences. This made for an amusing coincidence because in those next few sentences, you assert that my intelligence might be in question, at least, with regard to your own. While I’m sometimes embarrassed that I did not opt for the tougher business classes in graduate school, the fact that I’m still the “go to” guy when my friends and family have questions on a variety of subjects would suggest that I am of at least average intelligence.
As to the matter of being successful, I can’t imagine in what context you mean. I am a fit, healthy, attractive man with a moderate income from his own business; I have a loving family, respectful children, appreciative friends, a fairly well-respected blog, and can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue. I can’t imagine what more “success” would be like.
Again, thank you for your interest. We wish you every success in your future endeavors.
Best regards,
Tom Allen
I’m hoping that she learns from this experience, but judging from the two entries on her own LiveJournal, I suspect that she won’t appreciate my feedback.
Do you suppose I could have worded it better?
