Strictly meaning

“I like it when you’re mean to me,” I’ve told Mrs. Edge a handful of times in the recent past.

Now, you know what I mean by that, right? Good, because I’ve come to realize that I really don’t know what I mean, myself. Maybe you can explain it to me.

I hadn’t thought much about it until I ran across a recent post by Mistress Ivey, and the discussion made me give some serious thought to what I’m looking for when I say things like this. As I’ve mentioned in the past, for us, chastity and denial are not a punishment — they are an enhancement to our relationship, soin the context of our marriage longer “sentences” aren’t, say, a consequence for bad behavior.

Mrs. Edge is not inherently cruel or sadistic, and she doesn’t take pleasure in seeing me humiliated (nor do I kink on that); rather, she enjoys having the control. Her enjoyment of control dovetails nicely with my desire to have her take it works for us, so keeping me locked up or ruining my orgasms (her latest fascination) aren’t done to belittle me; they are done because we both find it an enjoyable experience, at least in the long run.

With that said, now I”m not sure what I mean, myself, when I think about her being “mean.” Since she already has control over the orgasms — which are not granted very often — I never know when to expect one, so essentially my mindset is that I never expect one. So, without the expectation of an orgasm, maybe telling her that I like her being “mean” isn’t very descriptive.

So, what is it that I want?  Any ideas on how to sort this out?


And in keeping with the theme of denial…

I'm ready! I'm ready!

~ by Tom Allen on January 4, 2013.

12 Responses to “Strictly meaning”

  1. Oh I love that graphic and the text even more. It is the control that is so very thrilling.

    Come here…let me be mean to you ;-)

  2. It’s nothing more than a moment for myself. It’s the breath between ‘You’ve fucked up’ and ‘You’re gonna pay’. To make it work both statements have to be validated by action. Nothing less will do.

  3. Mostly when men say that to me, they mean, “Forget about what I want, do whatever *you* want, ESPECIALLY if it involves you being selfish, and overtly and clearly not caring what I want.”

    I think of it in terms of ‘him being used for my pleasure’ vs ‘telling him he’s ugly and stupid’ (which is also mean, but I suspect not at all what he intended…).

    Ferns

    • Good insight, Ms Ferns, and I think that you’ve helped to clarify what’s going on in my head. I really don’t want to be humiliated. I don’t want to be called ugly, stupid, or be belittled. I don’t kink on it, it’s not exciting, and in the past I have not processed it well afterward.

      But I do enjoy when Mrs. Edge grabs me for a quick, errmm, oral stress relief :koff: and sends me on my way, or we have an impromptu make-out session in the kitchen, and then she pushes me right back to making dinner. That’s not overtly “mean” in the sense that it’s not cruel or humiliating, but it is “selfish” on her part. IOW, I derive some pleasure from it, but the action is clearly not about my pleasure at all.

      There’s an extension of this when she intentionally makes me aroused by physically teasing me, and then says “Okay, that’s all,” and goes off onto other things. It’s not necessarily arousing to her, but she enjoys the power to make me squirm a little, especially knowing that later I’ll probably be exceptionally attentive.

      I guess that once I started thinking about what I was saying, I realized that I hadn’t thought it through, and saw the potential to have it turn into something actually unpleasant.

  4. “I like it when you’re mean to me, the meaner the better.”

    One of my partners has said this to me often. He is a humiliation fetishist, too, which has been difficult for me to come to terms with. I don’t actually like being “mean.” After a few years of scenes and discussing them afterward, I’ve come to view both his love for me being mean and his humiliation fetish as another form of giving up control that really works for him.

    He’s giving up his right to defend himself, his integrity, his character, his attractiveness. He doesn’t really want to believe negative things about himself, and I balance scenes that include humiliation with heaping genuine praise on him outside of a scene. And he doesn’t really want me to be “mean” by doing things that damage the rest of his life, he wants me to assert my control by saying and doing things no one else would have the right to say or do.

  5. As a different partner of Jalan_Jalan’s, I’m not one who wants meanness or humiliation. I do, though, want things that many men would find mean (or humiliating), in the service of something else.

    Jalan’s and my play (and D/s) relationship is based on doing things we both enjoy, even if they’re atypical — though she wins all ties, of course. The paradoxical part is that our mutual overriding desire for her to be in control means that those things may be mean in the moment, such as a ruined orgasm, but serve that overarching desire and associated enjoyment. But really that’s no more paradoxical than doing hard and unpleasant tasks at one’s job as part of a larger, more meaningful, accomplishment.

    Does that tie in to your dilemma?

    • The paradoxical part is that our mutual overriding desire for her to be in control means that those things may be mean in the moment, such as a ruined orgasm, but serve that overarching desire and associated enjoyment.

      No, that’s an excellent example of what I’m talking about.

      First, keep in mind that Mrs. Edge and I are not in a D/s relationship. Please ignore the chastity devices, long-term denial, strapon, etc. We’re pretty vanilla. Got it?

      Ruining is “mean,” but it’s part of our long-term denial play, so it’s not humiliating, nor is it surprising when it happens. The action itself isn’t always pleasant, but in the context it’s actually what we both want over the longer term.

  6. One of the difficulties of BDSM / Chastity for newbies is that the language is so often contradictory. And those into BDSM have become so used to the language that the contradictions become how they think about BDSM.

    With Devotional Sex I’ve tried to remove the contradictions. This means making it clear to my non-dominant vanilla partners what I like and why, and us both recognising that within the power dynamic of her having control over all sensual and sexual activities that much of what she does is to please me.

    Practicing Devotional Sex means that I don’t ejaculate at the end of most sessions. But there is never any denial because I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want to ejaculate most of the time. With my partner starting off at vanilla it is really me denying her the usual ending of me ejaculating. She then gets used to me not ejaculating, and from then on her ending sexual activity without me ejaculating is just ‘normal’ – no dominance required.

    BUT – once my partner has got used to me usually not ejaculating we still both feel the power of her ending sexual activity with me still hard and aroused. In bed we usually end with a Devotional Cuddle (her gently holding my erection) and this is a relaxing time where I feel very hers and she feels that I am hers and will obey her. Maybe the ‘denial’ is that she is denying me further sexual activity. But she isn’t denying me ejaculation because that is now what we BOTH want.

    When I started dating Princess Ada I told her that I don’t ejaculate. I also told and proved to her that I love giving oral sex. When she arrived at my place on a Saturday afternoon to spend the night there were several times when it was straight to the bedroom to have me eat her to orgasm (and that is all apart from a cuddle). We BOTH enjoyed this, and we BOTH enjoyed how horny I was when we went out to dinner on Saturday night.

    Her coming up to me and getting me aroused just for a few minutes and then saying “that’s all for now” isn’t tease and denial. It isn’t teasing because she knows that I LOVE anything that gets me erect – she is PLEASING me. And it isn’t denial because it is our normal that play ends without ejaculation.

    Because all my partners have been vanilla non-dominant women I don’t think any Devotional Sex would have worked if I had ever used words like ‘denial’ or said “be mean to me”. My partner’s have never ‘forced’ me to give them oral sex – they have always known that I love to do this. They have never denied me ejaculation afterwards, but they all enjoy holding my erection afterwards feeling my arousal from pleasuring them and, as they relax after their orgasm, knowing that I’m going to be just as aroused at our next session. This has become our ‘normal’.

    Because I write about sex I sometimes ask my partners questions after a session. So I know that if a Princess has told me to be naked and then get erect and Display myself to her that sometimes this is because she really wants to have me do this, and sometimes she is doing this mainly for me so that I can express my erotic energy and feel hers.

    I’ve had times when I thought it was her making something happen mainly to please me and when I’ve asked I’ve discovered that it was all about her fun – and visa-versa. But even though I don’t know what she is thinking (apart from the few times I ask) I do know that she has decided to do what she is doing – so she is in control.

    What Tom and I (and our partners) enjoy is very similar. We just approached this point from different directions.

    • Michael, thank you for a very detailed account, but I believe that you are missing the point I was trying to make.

      Mrs. Edge and I don’t consider ourselves to be D/s players. The orgasm denial works in our relationship because it’s a little bit of kinky fun for the both of us; she enjoys taking the control, and I enjoy seeing what she does with it. If it were a normal thing, done with out the exchange of control, it would (for us) lose the kinky, fun bit.

      • Hi Tom. Either I wrote wrong or you read me wrong, because I agree with you!

        Her surprising me by taking control is a big part of the fun for her and me. And whilst her control and power is obvious from her starting something and getting me aroused, the biggest moment of truth is her saying “That’s all for now”.

        But in my case, and I think yours, she is NOT being mean to us. She knows that we like getting aroused, and she knows that we prefer a life where we don’t cum every time we get it up, so she isn’t being cruel to us by ending without our ejaculation.

        Her power is real because we I do get surprised when she starts, and it is challenging to be left erect.

        So are we on the same page now? Or have I misunderstood you :)

  7. [...] a concept that I haven’t thought about. That  is why is was great to have some feedback on my last post, in which I was thinking about what I mean by “mean” with regard to kinky treatment [...]

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