The Month in Chastity

No, not me. As it happens, we haven’t done the chastity thing in a while, now that Mrs. Edge has discovered ruined orgasms. For that matter, I think I’ve only had two or three full-on orgasms since December; most of our intimate relations are now following the pattern of me pleasuring her, and then her ruining mine by squeezing down hard at the last second — causing me a bit of anguish, and usually wondering why I continue to look forward to them, because I regret my decision each time it happens.

Anyway, I’m sure that nobody reading is interested in that kind of thing. You’re here for the chastity, aren’t you? As it happens, there have been some interesting things happening in the last couple of weeks.

First on the list is Dishevelled Domina’s interview with chastity maven Sarah “I am not a Domme” Jameson. Sarah, of course, is the author of some kind of male chastity blog, and appears to have written a book or something that a few people have found somewhat useful. Sarah is one of the few people who admit (claim?) to use chastity and orgasm denial in a vanilla (i.e., non-BDSM) context.

Psychology Today, the magazine that almost single-handedly created pop-psych has an interesting blog (if you like that sort of thing) and one of the writers (Gary WIlson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow) just published an article claiming that frequent ejaculations seem to create a “hangover” condition for men. This seems to correspond to what many chastity aficionados claim: that after sex, they simply aren’t interested in being a loving, caring partner for a while.

Coincidentally. Psychology Today also had a small post on the actual history of chastity belts; or more specifically, the myth behind them. Unfortunately, the article was short, and there was little mention about them or their current usage.

And over on Domme Chronicles, Ferns has a revelation as to why chastity play is so hot for some people.

He was kept on a sexual edge for as long as I wanted, our play was intensified, he became sensitised in a way he had never been before, his entire way of walking around in the world changed, his view of himself changed, his relationship with his sexuality was emphasised, and I was the owner of all of it.

It was just incredibly hot hot hot, intensely intimate, and amazingly close-making.

Oh, and before I forget, I just wanted to mention that the Chastity Forums have been growing steadily, and by popular request, we now have a Keyholder Forum. At the moment, it’s a private place for newbie KHs (mainly women, although we have a few men) to discuss issues, concerns, etc. Overall, CF is still a mainly-vanilla forum, though, and the focus is still on support and advice for those interested in chastity play in a relationship. For those of you who are looking for a hangout that is more about the relationship and less about the BDSM aspects, it’s a small, but active community.

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I’m off to see The Avengers tonight, so here’s a picture with the appropriate theme.

When orgasms are not the best part of sex

I suspect that most of my readers are men who are interested in “enforced” male chastity and orgasm denial and/or control. The more mature readers, that is, the  fanatics  aficionados of orgasm denial have often been pleasantly surprised to discover that when they take their own orgasm out of the sexual play, that they learn to become more appreciative of the sensual side of their play. Indeed, chastity and OD web boards are rife with men waxing poetic about their love and appreciation for their partner, and how they no longer focus on their own climax.  In fact, forum and blog posts of that nature are so common that it’s rapidly becoming a sexual trope.

That’s why I think that some of you may be interested in reading about this from the perspective of somebody who is about as far from being a mature man as you can get.

In her post “Orgasms aren’t my favorite part of sex,” well-known kink educatress Clarisse Thorn writes:

[It may help some people] not to prioritize orgasms. I am not saying orgasms aren’t important; I just don’t want the importance of orgasms to wound you, the way it wounded me. For me, it is helpful to imagine sex as a journey. For me, it helps to focus on having fun throughout, instead of doing what it takes to reach the “goal” of orgasm. If you’re not taking pleasure in the journey — or at least indulging some curiosity — then why keep going? Why not stop and try something else?

Experimenting sexually in an open-ended way has been, for me, the most productive possible attitude. And in fact, once I knew how to make myself come, I discovered that — though it’s helpful to be able to attain that release if I really want to — orgasms aren’t actually my favorite part of sex! There are lots of other things I like better.

It’s also worth noting that our definitions of “orgasm” are fairly narrow. Some research indicates that there may be other ways to conceptualize orgasms than the stereotypical genital-focused approach.

And as that weren’t enough food for thought, she goes on to mention:

It may be ironic that I spent so much time feeling terrible and broken and depressed because I couldn’t figure out how to have orgasms … whereas now I prefer not to focus on them. In fact, I estimate that most of my current sexual encounters don’t include my orgasm, and very few of my most pleasurable sexual encounters have included my orgasm.

[...]

And …. (Oh no, I can already tell this is going to get complicated … but hey, sex is complicated, so I’ll give it a shot.) …. Especially when I’m doing BDSM, it can actually be hot sometimes if I don’t have an orgasm. For example: if I go to sleep so turned on that I can’t dream about anything but my partner, and then I wake up in a damp mess, and then my partner makes my life difficult all morning, it’s pretty awesome. (Although it’s very nice that I know how to give myself orgasms now, because that means that if I’m really feeling overwhelmed by my own sexual energy, I know how to give myself release if I have to. You know, like … if I need to get some work done.)

Clarisse Thorn is one of the most insightful kink bloggers I know. If you find yourself becoming a bit bored with the usual web board and sex blogging fare, then I urge you to add Clarisse to your regular reading.

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And for those of you following American football, here’s a picture of Madonna to get you into the mood for her performance at the half-time show in the upcoming Superbowl.

More chastity in the news

Seeing as how many things that first show up in porn make it into the mainstream, I’m wondering when male chastity devices will start showing up on bad sitcoms.

I mention this because at last week’s AVN Adult Entertainment Expo and Adult Novelty Expo, the Millers (or more correctly, AL Enterprises) was there to show off their now well-known line of chastity devices. I missed it this year, since the budget here at Edge of Vanilla Labs didn’t seem to allow for “travel” in the research category; fortunately, the Las Vegas Review Journal had a few things to say:

In equally positive news, depending on your perspective, Las Vegas-based AL Enterprises is marketing a male chastity device that retails for $150. (Answer to obvious question: plastic tubes in various sizes, locking rings and padlocks.)

“It puts control of the couple’s sexuality into the key-holder’s hands,” said Nikki Yates, co-corporate director.

I really like the matter-of-fact reporting, as opposed to some of  the “WTF is this?” reporting seen last year.

They have a really nice looking booth, by the way.

They touched on something that I’ve wondered about, though: The sales numbers.

About 80 percent of the company’s customers are couples, she said. About 95 percent of the devices are purchased by men, but usually because the man’s partner thinks it’s a good idea.

AL works with five distributors, in addition to direct sales through its website, cb-6000.com.

I’m curious as to how they get those kinds of numbers. If 95% per cent of buyers are male, how do they know that 80% are married or partnered? I don’t remember seeing any survey on their website.

But wait – how many are they selling? The answer is still elusive.

Christi Morrell, co-corporate director, said the 13-year-old company’s sales increase 12 percent to 15 percent each year.

“The economy hasn’t affected us,” Yates said, adding that buyers at AVN seem more receptive to different products than in previous years.

I have noticed, though, that compared to 5 or 6 years ago, it’s fairly easy to find online porn (pictures or videos) with a man in a chastity device. They are still primarily in BDSM situations, but during a  long afternoon   few minutes on Youporn, Redtube, Xhamster, etc., it doesn’t take much effort find male subs wearing chastity devices for their cruel mistresses. When you think of some of the other things that have transitioned into more mainstream media (vibrators, dildos, fetish gear, etc.) then maybe it’s not such a stretch to imagine plastic and steel devices being hinted at by consumers hoping for the cutting edge of fetish fashion.

For those of you who doubt the feasibility, consider the cable-only channel Showtime has been airing a “reality program” called “Gigolos.” I haven’t seen it (I don’t have extended cable), but there is an episode from last year that you can find by doing a Google search on “Cock cage episode.” Seriously.

Here’s an interesting tidbit that you’ll find: Jimmy is asked to wear a cock cage, and the longer he wears it, the more he’s paid by a dominatrix.This episode aired last year.

Hah hah hah hah! Oh gosh, that’s so funny. Because, you know, with so many guys out there who seem to be begging to wear these devices, one of our gigolos manages to find the one domme in Las Fucking Vegas who can’t find a man to wear one for free, let alone who would pay her to hold a key.

There was a video of this part of the episode a few weeks ago, but it was apparently hosted on a Megaupload affiliate. But what I saw was a 20-something guy who was locked into a Curve. Of all the devices to portray, they picked the Curve. That’s right, a cable TV show featured a dominatrix who is paying a guy to wear what is arguably the bulkiest, ugliest,  most obtrusive, and least convenient chastity device on the market.

But that’s okay, because hey, it’s a chastity device on TV. Next year, maybe one will be on a more raunchy network show like Two and a Half Men, and a year later will pop up as a side plot on House. And when, one day your work friends are talking about the “kinky cock cage” that they saw on Big Bang Theory, you can give your hipster smirk and tell them that you  knew about those things before they went mainstream.

Ruin ALL the things!

So, Mrs. Edge has discovered ruined orgasms.

Not hers, of course.

She’s long been aware of the idea that some of my orgasms aren’t actually pleasurable, and over the years has, at times, been quite taken with the notion that she has some power over that. Generally this has taken the form of getting me aroused enough (usually after several weeks) to ejaculate while I’m still locked into my chastity device, but she has occasionally experimented with “forcing” me to release by using a vibrator on the device, or sometimes pressing the Hitachi directly on me. Both situations give me a sensation of slightly reduced arousal, which paradoxically seems to make me even more aroused the next day. I suspect that this is because after several weeks of arousal, my body is expecting to have an actual, mind-blowing orgasm; but when my brain checks in the next day, it sees that the tubes haven’t been properly cleaned. Or something.

Anyway, we haven’t been doing the chastity thing much this year, and since we have both been in pretty stressful job positions lately, our intimate life has suffered a bit. So, a few months ago I was suggesting some ways to spice things up a little, and among some of the ideas I floated were ruined orgasms when I’m not locked up. She didn’t explore the issue, and we went on to discuss other things; I figured she had forgotten about it. Until December, that is.

One night, we were laying in bed reading (we usually sleep nude), and she reached over and began stroking me. This is always a welcome surprise, so I asked her to use some lube or cream, and if she would consider finishing me that way. She grabbed a bottle of hand lotion and continued to stroke and tease me, until I was writhing on the bed and lightly (very lightly — damn kids around) moaning. As soon as I was ready to come, my hips lifted off the bed in expectation, and and she stopped stroking as I felt her grip tighten firmly around my shaft. My hips bucked a few times, and my moans turned into a groan of surprised frustration. And then it was over.

Ruin ALL the orgasms!

“You’re frowning,” she said, looking at my face. Yeah, no kidding, I thought. She went to get a towel, and when she came back she said “I don’t think that I did it right. You’ve got come on you.” Yes, some had leaked out after she let go, which is to be expected. I cleaned up, thanked her, and we drifted off to sleep with murmurs of needing more practice. The next morning I was quite hard, and woke her up for a little action. Despite being aroused, I didn’t feel the need to come, so I left her to go back to sleep for a few hours.

A couple of weeks later, we were in the same situation; she was stroking me, and I asked her if she wanted to practice a little more. She thought it was a good idea, so we grabbed some lube, and within a few minutes she had me very aroused. While she stroked me, I tried to explain that instead of just wrapping her fingers around me, that she might have better control pressing her thumb along the underside, closer to the base of my shaft. Knowing that the urethra passes closer to that area, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Mrs. Edge knows what I like, and after a little while I had to stop talking. Well, it was more like she had gotten me to the point where I was just babbling, anyway. And once again, just as I arched my hips I felt her squeeze, and her thumb bore down HARD. I felt my hands scrabbling at the sheets as my PC muscles tried to contract. I let out a small groan of frustration, and a few moments later it was all over. When she finally relaxed her grip, just a few drops leaked out.

“How was that?” she asked me. I had a hard time answering, in part because I was in some odd state of mind. The immediate need to come was gone, but nothing felt right; as far as my body was concerned, it wasn’t over over. On her part, she was again a bit disappointed to have allowed a few drops to leak out, and I had to assure her that with everything that goes through the plumbing, a few drops was perfectly normal.

We’ve now been practicing a bit more often; I’ve been agreeing to refrain from orgasm during intercourse so she can practice on me right afterward. And like so many things with regard to sex, this is something that sounds so freaking hot when you’re aroused, but then seems like a really stupid idea when it comes to actually doing it. I mean, I don’t  know about you, but I like orgasms. I love the explosive release, and the warm satisfaction immediately afterward. What the hell is the idea of leading all the way up to that, and stopping just short?

Goddam brain is paying tricks on me.

When I can step outside of myself to watch, though, I enjoy seeing Mrs. Edge move from a more passive form of ruined orgasms (that is, the involuntary releases that I’ve had) to a more active role. Her intentional ruining is, to me, exciting to think about (at least, beforehand), and she, herself gets excited about “practicing” (as she calls it). I know that she enjoys feeling me orgasm completely when I’m inside her, but this new-found hobby is also giving her a nice thrill, and allows her to gently explore her feelings about control. So, as long as she’s willing, how could I possibly pass that up?

Doris Miller: Penis Padlocks

Gloria Brame beat me to this yesterday, but for those who may have missed it, check out this interesting article on Doris Miller. It’s a bit of a puff piece, but as articles about AL Enterprises are rare, I thought it was worth adding to the collective.

From the City Weekly (Utah):

Carbon County natives Doris and Frank Miller run a booming business manufacturing the CB-6000 line of male-chastity devices. These high-tech, clear-plastic penis padlocks assure the keyholder that the wearer’s genitalia remain safely under wraps during unsupervised periods. A.L. Enterprises, Inc. recently moved from Price to Las Vegas’ freer business climate, but its patent notices still liven up the business pages of Utah dailies. City Weekly asked Doris about the male-chastity biz.

You can read the article online, but apropos of Kink In Exile’s recent question, here’s Doris’ take on the typical customer:

Our revolutionary line of products is marketable to the fetish enthusiast, as well as couples looking to increase their intimacy and sense of adventure. (italics mine -TA) The target customer is diverse. The product appeals to men and women alike. The misconception is that the male-chastity device is only purchased to correct a wayward husband. In reality, the majority of customers purchasing a male-chastity device fall into two main groups: either fetish devotees, or couples interested in expanding their sexual experiences with “chastity play.” Chastity play can bring the spark and excitement back into an otherwise stagnant relationship. Customers who use our products in cases of infidelity find chastity play helps bring trust back into the relationship.

It’s an interesting article, but as I said, a bit of a puff piece, and not really as in-depth as one that was written up a few years ago. For some more background, have a look at Lust Under Lock and Key.

Frequency Asked Question

So, I’m skimming my blogroll, and I see an interesting post over on Kink in Exile in which she asks:

I’m reading some of the blogs linked off Keyheld, “an aggregate for blogs in which male chastity and orgasm denial are the main focus.”  It seems like a lot of these male bloggers are married, many with families, most with otherwise uncomplicated-by-the-risque lives.  My question is, how does orgasm control get into such unexpected and otherwise normal-seeming unions?

Having been immersed in the chastity culture for so long, it’s sometimes surprising for me to hear other kinksters ask about it. Even more surprising is that KiE puts the cart before the horse in her assumption:

I’m curious if these guys (and gals) filtered for “kinky” in partner selection and if not, how they managed to find a match in what I’d expect to be a niche field.

So to help her out, I think it would be great to see comments (either here or over there), especially from some of more vanilla-ish guys as to how they settled on chastity or orgasm control as a personal kink. Naturally, anyone too shy to leave a comment is welcome to email me and I can post it anonymously if you’d like.

Kink in Exile is a great blog, by the way, especially for those of you who prefer intelligent insight with your kinkiness.

And just for some motivation, I’m posting a picture of a completely stereotypical fantasy.

Two Experiments

Those of you familiar with the happenings of the northeastern US probably know that we had an unseasonal Nor’easter – a storm that dumped a foot or more of snow around southern New England, and knocked out power in 2/3 of Connecticut for days – in some cases, for over a week. The Edge household was without power, phone, or even cell service for most of that time, which led to a case of cabin fever. Naturally, when we got power back, we tackled the important things: making sure the internet connection was back up and running. Oh yeah, and something about the furnace and hot water might have figured in there, too.

Anyway, having developed a Tumblr addiction, it was nice to see what had been being reposted in the kinky sectors. I spent a few  hours  couple of minutes browsing around and found this captioned picture on the Locked in Chastity Tumblog. I was struck by the rather profound insight that often gets overlooked when one reads chastity related fiction, or indeed, even the chastity related blogs that spring up. Most of the time we’re hearing about how the denial affects the man who asks to be denied, but we rarely hear about how it affects his partner.

Let me qualify that. We often hear about how the Missus loves it because she gets backrubs, pedicures, and the the laundry done. Yeah, no duh; I mean, I’d love to get daily massages, myself, and if somebody would wash and iron my socks every week then that would be one less thing for me to worry about.

But I’m talking about the more intimate and emotional aspects of chastity and denial. I’d venture that most married people are having a pretty decent (fsv of)  amount of sex every week, so men who ask to play out some kind of long-term chastity fantasy are also denying their partners something to some degree. Is PIV sex important to all women? Of course not, but at the same time it’s presumptuous for men to simply assume that they can replace intercourse with oral sex and backrubs – which seems to be the (ahem) dominant theme behind much of the “enforced” chastity paradigm (Paradigm? Did I really use that word outside of a graduate class?).

Some years ago when Mrs. Edge and I started messing with chastity and denial, we would go week to week. That is, she kept me locked up for a week, would let me out for some intercourse (no orgasm for me, of course), and then lock me back up. And that’s how it went for some time, until we got the strapon harness and a really lifelike dildo. We tried it out a few times, but at the end of the week, she unlocked me. And again, the next week. And the next.

But there came a time when she skipped the weekly unlocking, and asked me to use the new toy, instead. I ended up being locked up for two straight weeks. And the next time it was three weeks. And the next time it was a month. And then it was six or seven weeks.

While this was happening, I suspected that she was testing the waters, but was hesitant to ask her directly because I didn’t want to spoil the mood. Our agreement was that she could play as long as she wanted, and if I were uncomfortable, I would mention it to her. But that was okay, because I was experimenting myself — for a while I was looking forward to the weekly unlocking, even though I wasn’t coming. How well would I handle going without even that little bit of pleasure for longer periods? Would I eventually get jealous of the silicone? Would I give in and beg?

When it hit seven weeks without allowing me out, I finally asked her what she had in mind. “I’m just experimenting,” she told me.  She enjoys — actually, prefers — intercourse to oral, so she wondered how long she could “make do” with the dildo, which we began to call “her” cock. She, herself, had been enjoying the weekly unlockings, but after seeing how lifelike the new toy was, and how well I could position it, it began to seem less challenging to her. After going for a two or three weeks, she realized something else: I didn’t have to pace myself for her pleasure the way I had to do when she unlocked me. If she wanted something a little more vigorous, or to extend it a bit longer, she could do so without my asking to take a breather.  She found the idea that she could replace my cock with “her” own to be an unexpected turn on.

By the time that she made me go for a month straight, she began to feel comfortable with using it frequently, and comfortable that I wasn’t being somehow damaged, anxious, or upset. By that point, it didn’t feel so much as a second-best replacement; the couple of extra minutes for me to put on the harness and adjust “her” cock was now simply a natural part of our lovemaking.

Once she stopped worrying about how I was holding up, she found that she wanted to try something else: she wanted to go for longer periods simply to see if I would get frustrated enough to quit. Not in a cruel or mean way, rather that she was discovering her own limits, and in so doing, wondered where my limits (or lack of them) might be. Eventually, she wondered if she would feel comfortable enough not unlocking me at all, and indeed, she even began leaving her key at work so she wouldn’t be tempted to use it. After several years of this, she stopped experimenting with limits, and we simply played for random time periods, always set by her.

So, again,  I just want to take a moment to point out to the men who are interested in “enforced” chastity (or really, any other similar activity), that your partner needs time to experiment, to find her own limits of comfort — both with the relationship and with herself. Try to take s step back from your own excitement to give her what she needs.

Lotus Eating

Yeah, I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated.

[Insert typical blogger excuse about buying too busy here.]

As it happens, Mrs. Edge and I have been taking a chastity break for the summer. A few minor injuries have kept me from hitting the weights for a while, but I’ve gotten a little more seriously into bicycling. I spent much of my summer modernizing an old aluminum frame touring bike, so between that and my old hybrid mongrel I’ve been racking up the miles. I’m pretty sure that the combination of the cycling plus some low carb eating has finally allowed me to break through that weight loss plateau where I’d been stuck for the last year. I’m now well into the next smaller waist size, and all of my suits and dress pants will quite literally fall off of me if I don’t cinch up my belt – which looks stupid, so now I need some new clothes. Even my shirts are too roomy, and I’m fitting into sport jackets that I haven’t worn in years. And jeans? I can wear a size 34 without creating a muffin top. I’m still too embarrassed to get some of those tight spandex biking shorts, but I have been wearing those snug tank tops when I go out. I’ve been remiss at supplying HNT pics, so here’s one that I just ook today.

A side note: my friends are very obviously envious, but not enough to actually do anything about it.

Anyway, the point that I was going to make was that even though over the years I’ve declared that you can cycle with a device, I’ve discovered that there are some limits. My mongrel bike has a split saddle which can accommodate the CB3000, but the road bike requires a more aggressive, hunched-over posture, and I have not found a comfortable saddle. The split ones tend to put you in a more upright position, but nothing is going to make that hard cuff ring comfortable on a road saddle. And since I’ve already spent enough money on replacement parts, I’ll have to wait until next year before I look at other saddle options. So, until bike season is done, my equipment is swinging free.

Let’s see, what else has kept me busy this summer? We’ve had a few family trips, most of them in places with no internet. I managed to survive with limited 3G access, and a Nook Color (birthday present). I’ve built up a couple of computers with Linux Mint, and I’m now experimenting with making a bootable SD card to turn my Nook into an Android pad. Went to a comic/anime convention — in costume. And yes, it was a kick-ass costume, and I got quite a few comments, and won a few rounds of a cosplay deathmatch. My daughter’s friends are now in awe of me as being the coolest dad ever. Oh, and I’ve been doing a lot of reading.

No, not ebooks. I’ve been reading blogs and forums, some of the older ones, and some newer ones, and I’m pleased to see that the discussions about the open-mindedness of the BDSM crowd, the nature of femdom, and the devaluation of “submissiveness” are still going on. In fact, I’ve been quite surprised – pleasantly – at the range of ideas that I’ve seen over the last few months. I think that this is important; BDSM is — in some ways — in a similar position to that of homosexuality 30 or 40 years ago. People acknowledged it existed, but it was something not really discussed in polite company, unless to make some kind of joke or disparaging comment. This is why I find it so ironic (and frankly, not a little disturbing) that within the kink community, “submissive” is perceived as a feminine trait.

Anyway.

As I’ve been watching the web boards and reading the stories of self-identified submissive men who have felt belittled or who have been dissed by their local kink community, I was reminded of something from when I was younger, back when I knew that I was kinky, but before I had learned much about it.

I was about 20, was with my girlfriend and a group of other friends from college (we were probably a little buzzed, as was the custom at the time) and wanted to see a funny movie. We ended up at Revenge of the Pink Panther; this was in the days when if you wanted to see a movie, then you actually had to go to them. I don’t remember all that much about the movie itself, until we got to the last few minutes of the film.

Tanya, the Lotus Eater
(Sorry, WordPress isn’t allowing me to embed this video. )

For those who can’t watch this, here’s the setup: Inspector Clouseau has been away for some time, and Kato has turned his apartment into a brothel. Clouseau shows up wearing the remnants of some kind of disguise, and the Madame, not knowing that he owns the apartment, welcomes him in. She explains that he can take some time to get to know the girls, and to let her know if he has any particular requests. She removes his overcoat, and sees that he’s wearing a woman’s dress.

“Ah, but I see that you already have a preference,” she says.  She rings a gong, and says “Allow me to introduce Tanya, the Lotus Eater.” Tanya, played by bit-part actress Valerie Leon, enters in a low-cut, leather catsuit. Hilarity ensues.

That’s what I remember about the movie. What I also remember is wondering why transvestism was coupled with S&M; to me, they were completely separate kinks. And after that, I began to notice how often S&M – specifically, the submissive  male part – was linked to feminine traits. That was 30 years ago, and frankly, I haven’t seen things improve much over the years. So, when we’re all wondering why the BDSM “community” has this weird concept about submissive guys, I suspect that it’s because for an entire generation we’ve never seen anyone acting any differently.

Chastity Aficionado

A few months ago I mentioned Angela Lewis, a researcher who had just published a book called My Other Self, which was a look at the very normal real lives of some people with unusual sex lives. Ms. Lewis, while not a kinkster, herself, has done a great job with demystifying (and some might say he-terrifying) the conceptions that many non-kinksters have of people who are into non-vanilla sex.

Ms. Lewis, in following up with her book and the several articles that she has written for an Australian professional journal, has been interviewing various kinksters in a”10 Questions” format. To her credit, she avoids the prurient (i.e., giggle-inducing) questions and asks the kind of things that anyone might be interested in asking someone whom they’ve just met. Here’s a nice session with prodomme Mistress Mynx, here’s one with another pro-domme Mistress Michelle, here’s an interesting chat with fetish model Arinda Storm Weaver, and here’s an exceptionally interesting interview with somebody named Tom Allen, a non-pro chastity enthusiast.

Angela had contacted me near the end of April, and had not hipped to the prank post that was up all month, so some of her initial questions were about what made Mrs. Edge and I give up the “enforced” chastity. After explaining the situation, she rewrote some of the questions, and just published them today. Here’s a sampling:

10 Questions With Tom, a Chastity Aficionado

Q: For readers who may not be familiar with male chastity and orgasm denial, can  you give us the quick overview of what it entails?

I think just about everybody is familiar with the concept of “teasing,” in which a woman offers the promise of sexual favors, but prolongs the actual act.  We just take that a little bit further; instead of expecting satisfaction (i.e., an orgasm) later that day, or even later that week, our satisfaction is delayed weeks, or sometimes even months. While this could be done on the honor system, many of us prefer to utilize some of the devices on the market that are made for preventing temptation.

Really, all chastity play is essentially role-playing. No device is 100% inescapable, and most can be removed with some decent tools and a little finesse. However, since they can be very difficult to defeat without breaking the device, it feeds into the power exchange fantasy some of us have of losing or giving up control. This may be the biggest appeal to chastity aficionados because the *idea* of giving up control, not just for an hour, but essentially forever, can be a very hot fantasy. For men who are accustomed to having a quick wank nearly every day, losing that option is losing control at a very basic, primal level. It’s like bondage, but played out over weeks or months, instead of over an evening.

Paradoxically, non-BDSM couples that have played with “enforced” chastity often report that they end up having *more* sexual intimacy. Partly that’s because the exchange of power can revitalize their relationship, but also because they begin to see that sexual intimacy is much more than penetration. Men often learn to sublimate their own sexual desire into doing things for (or with) their partners that enhance physical closeness. Women, feeling less pressured to have sex all the time, begin to feel more relaxed, knowing that they are in control of the situation.

Obviously this is a generalization, but these factors add to the appeal, and give some motivation to those who continue to play once they get the hang of it.

 

Q: How did Mrs.Edge feel about exploring male chastity  and orgasm denial when the topic first came up?

Surprisingly, she was okay with it. We played a few times, but she didn’t really become interested until the CB3000 came out, sometime around 2003. To her, the organic shape was much more sexy — and comfortable — than the cage-style devices.

We hit a point in our marriage where things were a bit rocky, and in the course of trying to get back on track, we had a few discussions about our sexual relations. She confessed that she used to find the idea of locking me up to be quite a turn on, but she didn’t care for the shape of the cage, or the hard angles of the metal bars. When I showed her pictures of the CB3000, her first words were “You have got to get one of these.”

I say “surprisingly” because Mrs. Edge isn’t crazy about BDSM or fetish gear, and in fact, we own very few sex toys. But instead of perceiving the chastity device as a piece of bondage equipment (which would put her in a “Cruel Mistress” position, something she didn’t want), she saw it as a way to have control over the lust of her sexually charged husband.

Yes, it’s kind of the same thing, but in *her* mind, that is the role that “works” for her.

 

Q: Is the chastity device integral to your enjoyment of orgasm denial, or is it possible to also  enjoy the practice if not wearing the device?

For us, yes. Both Mrs. Edge and I enjoy the idea that she has all of the control. The device serves to reinforce the idea. While she could simply just tell me not to touch myself when she’s not around, or tie a yellow ribbon around me as a symbol, it doesn’t carry the same weight as an actual, lockable device.

There is a schism in the orgasm denial community (such as it is): some people claim that all that should be necessary is for one’s partner to request “no touching, while others maintain that the equipment is part of what makes it hot. Mrs. Edge and I find that wearing the device makes the lack of control more “real”. This also extends to why we do not use a schedule or a point system to determine when I’ll be allowed an orgasm — as far as she’s concerned, such factors take control out of her hands. But in the end, it all depends upon the relationship that you have.

 

Q: You are now in your fifties, and you wrote on your blog recently on your perception of ageism.  What do you think is the peak decade for a man in terms of knowing himself and living as his true self?

Over the last few years, I’ve noticed that the people who are the *most* concerned about getting older are the people my own age. I suppose I have a younger mindset because I spend so much time interacting on forums and websites where one’s age isn’t nearly as important. But I’m becoming very disenchanted with my friends who seem to be turning into zombies. I can’t go a week without seeing some stupid “Remember when…?” email chain letter, or some hackneyed glurge about getting older. I just don’t understand what makes people get stuck in time like that.

I liken it to people who emigrate to a different country. Some of them move to a neighborhood where everybody from the old country settled; they go to the old-country stores, the restaurants, and don’t bother to learn the new language. Essentially, they haven’t moved. Yet, other people take steps to learn the language, and to try the new things that their new host country has to offer.

Time moves on, so in that respect, we are all moving to a new country. But why should we insulate ourselves in the ghettoes, when there is so much out there to see?

Instead of having me copy and paste everything, why not click on over to My Other Self and read the rest? And while you’re there, click around on the rest of her site; maybe it will encourage her — and others — to help make kink a little more mainstream friendly.

30 Day Challenge

It’s okay if you missed the news item in February. I mean, it was from 2008, and all.

Pastor Issues “30-Day Sex Challenge”

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/02/20/earlyshow/living/relationships/main3850842.shtml

From the CBS news website:

The pastor of a southwest Florida church opened many eyes and ears Sunday when he said he wants married couples in the congregation to — have sex for 30 days in a row. [...]
He cited a recent study out that found that 20 million Americans who are married have sex fewer than 10 times a year. “People’s jobs, houses, kids and other things get in the way,” he says. “I think men really need to reevaluate their wife’s needs. We so often come home and kick off our shoes and pick up the remote and don’t offer to help with dinner, don’t offer to help with the kids — and then we just expect fireworks in the bedroom. But we need to meet (our wives’ needs) on intimate levels.”

Since we heard about it, Mrs. Edge and I have thought about making an attempt on this at the Edge of Vanilla Labs — purely in the interest of science — but the timing just never seemed to come off for us. We did get partway into this a year or two ago, but for reasons I cant remember (I’m sure it was either work or illness) we had to abandon it about halfway in.

But last month, after convincing ourselves that it would be possible, we actually managed to pull it off, and added our own bit of a twist: After having been locked up for the previous month, Mrs. Edge decided that I should continue to be locked up, and that she would sacrifice (again, in the interest of science), the feel of my real cock, and would, instead make do with the substitute.

Now, you might have thought that this would have become an almost unbearable tease. I mean, it’s one thing to wear a strapon a couple of times a week for sex; you get aroused, and then you get a couple of days to cool off, and then you go at it again. Wearing one every night for a month would seem to give me no chance to cool down, and therefore, I should go into frustration overload, right?

But the interesting thing was this: although the idea sounded hot (and in fact, it was hot at first), after a week I was glad to be wearing a strapon because between work and, umm, more work, I had a hard time relaxing enough to feel teh sexxy every night. This bothered me a bit because I associate the canceling effects of work on libido with old age, and more importantly, with somebody other than me. When the hell did I become old enough to let work bother me?

But here’s something else interesting. Normally, when we play like this, Mrs. Edge gets very randy knowing that I’m caged, and we’ll go at it until she’s sore, which means that her own desire for more sexytime drops significantly for the rest of the week. Knowing this, we tried to keep our lovemaking sessions to ten minutes or so. After a couple of weeks we realized that those ten minutes crept into fifteen or twenty, but we stopped at the “just enough” point so that she didn’t become either sore, or worn out. Stopping just at the point of her being satisfied, though, meant that I didn’t get exceptionally aroused. That is, while I was certainly enjoying myself, I never got to the point where the frustration overshadowed the pleasure.

We did miss a couple of nights here and there, but we decided that in order to hold to the spirit of the challenge, we’d have to make up those times in addition to not missing any more nights. This meant that a few times we had sex in the morning, and then again at night – not a big deal for some of you, but Mrs. Edge had a very early menopause, and for some time now it’s a rare occasion to have it twice in a week, let alone in one day. As it happens, though, we enjoyed ourselves so much that we managed to make up slightly to the good, logging 32 times in 30 days.

The last week, I had a doctor’s appointment that necessitated removing the device. Instead of reinstalling it, we opted to go with both the natural method (which, by this time, had to be very carefully paced on my part) and the little-used extension that we had picked up a couple of years earlier. This brought yet another twist to the challenge in that the extension actually had less feeling for me than the strapon. The harness holds the strapon against my pubic bone, and I can feel some vibration and thrusting. The extension, once I figured out how to use it, left me with almost no feeling at all.By the end of the week, however, I was starting to get the hand of it, and actually began to enjoy the sensations. That last week ended the month, and Mrs. Edge allowed me to come.

A good report would end with some discussion of what we had learned about ourselves during that time, but I really don’t have much to say. As an exercise in frustration, it wasn’t much more difficult than other times we’ve played in the past, and in some respects, it was a bit easier simply because we kept the sessions short, so my libido wasn’t on overdrive when we finished. In fact, as far as that goes, we did discover that both Mrs. Edge and I slept much better for that month. She was always relaxed from the orgasms, and because of the short sessions, I rarely got to the “frustrated blue balls” point; just about every night I fell asleep soon afterward, spooning her tightly.

I’m trying to imagine the pressure this challenge could place on somebody who was not in chastity; for my own part, there were a few nights that I wasn’t in the mood, but having made the commitment, it was good to fall back on the harness. It rarely took long for me to get into the mood once motivated, but it’s the “getting into the mood part” that has been the bigger challenge for both of us lately.

For Mrs. Edge, she has likewise learned that it takes a little work to get into the mood, but once initiated, it’s easy to stay in the mood long enough to enjoy it. In the past, we’ve had problems with the both of us giving up too easily, each of us for reasons of our own. I think that the both of us have learned that it really doesn’t take all that much work in order to get the other one in the mood, but it does take a bit of initiative and commitment. The trick will be whether we can internalize those lessons so we don’t slide back into our old habits.