Submitted without comment.
Safeword
3
Category Archives: Humor
How to Cure a Feminist
Now that Edge of Vanilla has a new following among Men’s Rights Activists, and with Pick Up Artists, I have to find some content that appeals to a wider range of readership. Fortunately, I can find almost anything I need right in Maxim Magazine. For those old married guys who had to give up Playboy when you got engaged (which you only had for the articles, anyway, right?), Maxim is a cross between Playboy and Esquire, with a little bit of GQ tossed in, because for some reason even manly men need to know where to buy those $1,200 Burberry overcoats and $90 Hermes silk pocket hankies.
Of course, the typical Maxim reader can’t afford the things advertised, but they can follow along with the helpful tips sections. Now, I know that this particular tip is kind of old, but it’s no less worthwhile; any possibility to save a feministy woman from a life of collecting cats and eating frozen yoghurt in front of the Lifetime Channel is always appreciated.
To my women readers: No need to thank me for helping to save you or your sisters. Consider this one of my many public service contributions.
Thanks and a tip of the vibrator to Jen at “The Sex Reports“.
Sunday Comics
I’ve tried to keep Edge of Vanilla focused on sexuality without introducing politics and religion. This is because I don’t want to handle the constant arguing and bickering that inevitably follows crossing into those territories, which tend to detract from the original topic. Also, politically I tend to be libertarian (fiscally conservative and socially liberal) and while not religious, I am somewhat spiritually inclined. This means that I already get into arguments with my friends over pretty much everything, so I don’t need one more venue for that type of discussion.
Politically, I’ve been disappointed with both major parties for some time, which has caused a rift with some of my friends who are actively involved with them. Over the last ten years or so, I’ve seen several close friends and family members become more fundamentalist/literal Christian oriented, and I often feel like they are getting sucked into a cult, because conversations about normal things often are stonewalled when they drop the “But God said” card.
So, once in a while it’s nice (for me) to run into something that helps to put a humorous spin on the situation. My US readers will probably get a chuckle from this, so my apologies to those elsewhere who may not have been following our recent political circus.
These ‘toons are from the webcomic “Doomed to Obscurity.” It’s mainly a geek-oriented strip, but this week they have branched out a little.
Unfortunately, I can’t scale these for this blog layout; you’ll need to click them to see the full view.
Reference: Santorum.
Of course, now I also get to analyze the use and stereotypes of the Dominatrix in the Media; in this case, note her typical leather gear and the innate sadism. Also, the elements of non-consent and latent homoerotic thoughts of the sub (Perry).
And now, some eye/mind bleach to get rid of those nasty thoughts of religious politicians.
But nobody doesn’t like…
I haven’t checked my LiveJournal account in so long that I’d forgotten that I had one. I’ve been busy lately, and over the last few years have had to narrow down my online activities so as not to interfere with work, exercise, family, sleep, and the various other little hobbies and projects that I get sucked into doing involved with. And for that matter, I would have thought that anybody who knows me would have tried to contact me on this blog instead of the LJ account, which hasn’t had a post in a couple of years.
So I was surprised to see a message notification the other day, and after half a dozen tries to remember my password, I logged in to read this message:
I am Miss Sarahleigh. I saw your profile, and I thought that you might need some goddess worship in your life. I AM perfect. In every way, shape, and form. I am smarter than you, and more successful. You, are just a pathetic loser. If you are interested in this, message me. We will make arrangements.
Miss Sarahleigh
Wow! This is exactly what I’ve been looking for in my life. I mean, how could I possibly pass up such an opportunity?
Oh, wait – it’s because I’m not interested in being scammed suckered financially dommed.
Well, because I’m a gentleman, I certainly wasn’t going to leave her hanging, so I sent off a response as quickly as I could.
Dear Ms. Saraleigh -
Thank you for taking the time to submit your application to be my personal Goddess. While I have many such offers, I try to respond personally so as to make sure that each applicant understands what is involved in the process.
I am sorry to say that your application, although brief, suggests that you may not be considered for the position. However, in the interest of assisting a first-time applicant, allow me to offer up some constructive criticism in case you decide to apply in the future.
First of all, insisting that you are perfect in the second sentence is coming on a bit strong. While we appreciate assertiveness, there is a fine line between a bold applicant and a rash one. This impression was borne out by the somewhat imperfect use of punctuation (specifically, periods and commas) in the next several sentences. This made for an amusing coincidence because in those next few sentences, you assert that my intelligence might be in question, at least, with regard to your own. While I’m sometimes embarrassed that I did not opt for the tougher business classes in graduate school, the fact that I’m still the “go to” guy when my friends and family have questions on a variety of subjects would suggest that I am of at least average intelligence.
As to the matter of being successful, I can’t imagine in what context you mean. I am a fit, healthy, attractive man with a moderate income from his own business; I have a loving family, respectful children, appreciative friends, a fairly well-respected blog, and can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue. I can’t imagine what more “success” would be like.
Again, thank you for your interest. We wish you every success in your future endeavors.
Best regards,
Tom Allen
I’m hoping that she learns from this experience, but judging from the two entries on her own LiveJournal, I suspect that she won’t appreciate my feedback.
Do you suppose I could have worded it better?
I won’t give up my day job
So, these two computer geeks are sitting around talking, and one of them says, “Mike, I never told you about the Christmas party a few weeks ago. It was open bar, and I was getting totally hammered with that new girl from Accounting.”
His friend nods. “Really, John? And then what happened?”
“Well,” John continued, “she’s all wasted, and wants me to take her home. “
“Really?” said Mike. “No freaking way!”
“Yes, way,” replied John. “So, we get back to my place, right? And then she’s all over me, kissing me, and grabbing me, and stuff.”
“Bro, I’m totally jealous, now,” said Mike. “So then what happened?”
“Dude, she was unstoppable. So she asks me to help taker her clothes off, right? So I unzip her skirt, and then take off her shirt, and she starts undoing my pants while I’m kicking off my shoes, right?”
“I can’t believe it,” said Mike. “So, how far did you get?”
“Well,” sad John, “After I get my pants off, she jumps up and wraps her legs around my waist, so I carry her over to my desk, push the papers off, and set her down on the edge, right next to my new laptop.”
“Whoa, dude!” exclaims Mike, “You didn’t tell me that you got a new laptop! Dual core?”
Now hiring: Must be flexible
For any of you guys who don’t have a clue as to what to buy your woman for Christmas, how about a gift certificate?
From the New Zealand Herald:
Pammy’s offers $240 an hour
At $240 an hour, the job offers one of the best pay rates in Auckland – and any bloke could do it lying on his back.
Former MP Pam Corkery and her business partner Rebekah Hay began advertising this weekend for male prostitutes to work in Pammy’s, her “world-first” private women’s club opening early in the new year.
As someone living in a conservative US state, I’m more amazed that it’s a former MP that’s doing this. Normally, any of our politicians involved with anything sexual are hounded out of office and have to take jobs as lobbyists.
Corkery said that since she announced her plans, 700 men had expressed interest on Facebook.
Only 700?
Once the hopefuls have been shortlisted, a “panel of celebrity women” would choose the successful applicants – although Corkery did not say how they would be chosen.
I imagine it will be a combination of ice skating style, flower arranging skill, and the ability to replace the toilet seat.
“Women are incredibly discerning,” she said. “They want beautiful decor, they want their men trained in everything … This is a place for women who have never been treated the way they should be.”
Are the guys really that bad in NZ?
But perhaps they’d allow an intern?
Corkery has engaged sex therapist Wellington Michelle Mars to train the “boys”.”Most men don’t upskill. They tend to stick to the same old techniques …there are exercises for boys with performance issues,” Corkery said.
I mean, I’d intern for a while in order to upskill. I might even off to do so for just room and board.
“And we have convinced our chief financial backers that women do have sex drives.”
Right now, I suspect that some men are thinking “Maybe they can convince my wife next.”
The other white meat
Mrs. Edge and I do the grocery shopping together because it gives us a chance to spend time together. So, we’re walking up and down the aisles of the newly-remodeled grocery store, because I like to do that. I mean, we have a list and all, but sometimes it’s interesting to look at other things in the shelves because it could spark ideas for a meal in the future.
So anyway, we’re out shopping for Thanksgiving, that US holiday where we continue the tradition of the Pilgrims (the groups of religious fanatics who were tossed out of England for being fundamentalist killjoys) by setting out a table of food and spending time in the giving of thanks for managing to get through another year, and we’re, as I said, walking up and down the aisles. She was complaining, because she just likes to get in, buy what’s on the list, and then get out.
And then I spotted it.
We finished our shopping, giggling like a couple of schoolkids.
We hope that everyone in the US had as happy a Thanksgiving Day as we did.
Remodeling Bugs
Gosh, what poor host I can be! Over the weekend, Jane’s Guide gave The Edge of Vanilla a very nice write-up, and I haven’t had any decent new content in weeks for the new visitors.
Not to worry; things are going well here at Edge of Vanilla Laboratories, it’s just that Mrs. Edge and I have been busy with the various and sundry projects that seem to consume more of our time than we originally plan. That, plus the increased time I’ve been putting into cycling and pumping iron seems has cut seriously into the time that I used to use for writing and blogging.
I really hate the blog posts that say things like “Umm, sorry I haven’t written. Not much happening to write about,” and then end with a picture from the icanhascheezburger reject files. Instead, allow me to present this rather droll sketch from bugcomic.com.
Mrs. Edge and I are planning a short weekend-away trip, as kind of a breather between the town fairs that we just completed, and the upcoming community events that we got sucked into running are helping to organize by some friends who will pay dearly some dear friends. We’re looking forward to giving you an update on something else besides my diet and exercise.
If you’re bored, take the opportunity to explore what’s new at Jane’s Guide; you may run into something you like.
What are you thinking about?
