Are submissive men devalued?

This question has come up a few times recently; there’s some discussion at Maybe Maimed and at Delving into Deviance, and it’s been making me think about the subject; ironically because I had pretty much written such things off a while back, when I decided that the cultural paradigms that we have regarding kink are so fucked up that I can’t even bring myself to associate with any labels.

Personally, while I think that the short answer is “Yes,” the long answer is that we’re not asking the right questions because we — collectively — have no idea what we’re talking about when we use words like “dominance” and “submission” anymore.

Dishevelled Domina has been interviewing submissive men on a variety of topics (including this one), and she’s posting the results a couple of times a week. It just so happens that my own interview is up now, and I have a little bit to say on that topic.

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I don’t have much to say right now, since it’s not even 7 o’clock on a Sunday morning, so I’m just going to leave this here.

Take it, bitch!

Dev posted an interesting picture, cribbed from Male Submission Art that depicted an angel sodomizing Satan (or possibly another demon). That led to a discussion about the cultural perception that whoever is penetrated is somehow identified with submission.

The flip side of that perception, of course, is that whoever is doing the penetrating is in a position of dominance. A side issue is that nobody wants to be penetrated unless they have a reason to be submissive. Not surprisingly, these types of issues are often discussed in those groups in which people — men and women — have an interest in strap-on play, specifically, men who enjoy being penetrated by their women partners.

Take it, bi... er, cheerleader!

With that fresh in mind, I was startled by this picture from one of my new faves, Sociological Images. Apparently, fans of a Texas high school football team — that’s a high school, not college, mind you — had a small number of these shirts printed up to show their support of the home team against some long-standing rivals. Note that despite the blatant images of two stallions violating the cheerleader (because that’s what this, in context, most certainly represents), they chose not to make the shirt too offensive by abbreviating the word “Fucking” so as not to be too obvious.

We should all be proud of such sensitivity.

This picture pretty much sums up the “take it, bitch!” attitude that is so prevalent among the sexual hoi-polloi — and indeed, even among those who really should know better.

Recently I was watching some “reality” tv show (actually, Mrs. Edge was watching it while I was net surfing on the laptop), a scene with a groups of 20-something guys happened to catch my attention; they were identified as “players” and made comments about how they a) made a point to have sex with as many women as possible, and b) decided that women who gave in (i.e., decided to have sex) were no longer worthy of their respect. What kind of convoluted logic is that? More irritating is that these idiots talked about the women in terms of hunting and conquest, and not in terms of enjoyment.

But let’s take this a step farther.

Some people enjoy the subjugation aspect of BDSM play. I’ve read of women getting so wet that they actually drip their lubrication when they think about past or upcoming scenes. I’ve read about men who go weak in the knees when thinking about being forced to serve under cruel, dominating women. Some men — and some women — become sexually excited when told by their partner to “take it, bitch!” while being fucked; their turn on is their own subjugation and submission by someone more powerful.

And yes, this is fantasy, not real life. That should make it different, right?

Yeah, sure. But if you consider that fantasies play out in the context of the culture of the the partners, isn’t it possible that those of us who enjoy sexual subjugation can only do so when the concept of real subjugation is extant in society? That is, in a culture in which “Fuck you!” never had the connotation of penetrative violence, could such fantasies arise?

No Surprise

So, Mrs. Edge is in the kitchen, baking some apple crisp and banana bread. I wander in foraging for some food, and eat a few potato chips from the bag on the fridge. After a few mouthfuls I get irritated for going off my diet, so I decide to look for something healthier.

Spotting the large plastic spring clip that keeps the bag closed, I grab it and make some snapping motions toward Mrs. Edge — or more correctly, her boobs. “Get out, I’m busy,” she says in an exasperated voice.

So I walk behind her, saying “Hmm…” in a loud voice. I then snapped the clip and say “Ow! Ow! Ouch!”

She turns around. “What the hell are you doing?” she asked. “Did you hurt yourself?”

I start laughing. “No, I just wanted to see the look on your face when you’d *thought* I’d hurt myself.”

Mrs. Edge rolled her eyes and turned back to baking. “No surprise, Tom,” she said. “If you’d really done it, it would not have surprised me one tiny bit.”

Huh. Wait until next week when I try that trick with the vacuum cleaner…

Orgasm Denial? Oh, Pooh!

I was one of those fortunate children who learned to read at a young age. Some relative bought me a set of books that my parents never read to me, so I was probably in first or second grade before I could tackle them on my own. Naturally, those books were lost or given away over the years, but when my daughter was born, I sought out another set.

Unfortunately, by that time the books had become a D*sneyfied franchise, and most of the books available were the heavily edited ones that, not surprisingly, lost the spirit of the originals. I did find, however, hard-cover version of A.A. Milne’s famous Winnie-the-Pooh stories, and read them to my daughter. Of course, I also read her the non-D*sneyfied versions of other stories, too: Rudyard Kipling’s Jungle Book, Lewis Carol’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, etc. Yes, I spent a good part of her young life with a raspy throat, but I know she appreciates it.

Anyway, in moving some books from one side of the house to the other — a practice that happens more often that you’d imagine, especially when Mrs. Edge gets into one of her household organizing moods — I chanced across the old Pooh volume, and couldn’t help but skim through a few stories. In the second book, The House at Pooh Corner, toward the middling end of the tales, we run across a Particularly Interesting Philosophy espoused by our favorite bear.

“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best — ” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a Very Good Thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.

– AA Milne “The House at Pooh Corner”

When I read that , you could have knocked me off the chair with Eeyore’s tail. “[T]here was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were,” is exactly the point I was trying to make in my post from last week: I enjoy my orgasms, but there is a point just before the orgasm that — to me — is actually better than the release itself. That point — the slight, but noticeable plateau just before the waves of release — is the overwhelming sensation to which I’m drawn. It’s physical, mental, and emotional, and while it’s happening, I want it to keep happening.

I suspect that many men who have discovered this feel the same way. The problem is that some of them — and I have to count myself here, at least sometimes — can actually forget how pleasant the orgasm actually can be. Or sometimes the desire to push for that one more day! over-rides not merely the desire for the orgasm, but the commitment to one’s partner.

Thumper is not the only one who has reacted with dismay or disappointment at being asked to remove their device, and to have an orgasm; I’ve seen this on various web boards and forums over the past few years. Frankly, I’ve even done this myself. It was easy to fall into, especially in those early days when we just discovered the heady feelings of power exchange. Each time that Mrs. Edge suggested we go for some period of time, I would egg her on to make it a little longer. There’s a perverse pleasure in breaking a record, in going for that next “personal best.” Pumping iron, lap times at the track, shooting hoops, days without coming. Just one more for the record books.

There is hope, though. Eventually one figures out that breaking a record is no longer the important thing. Likewise, while the desire to ride the edge of arousal for weeks at a time is compelling and addictive, at some point you have to bring a little sanity back into the relationship. You eventually learn that the denial is heady — but it helps to gain some perspective by reminding yourself what you’re being denied from.

So guys? Try to remember that when your partner wants you to orgasm (and especially if she wants to participate), try to remember that it’s not a punishment, nor is she trying to derail your attempt at the Chastity Olympics. Really. It’s just that she places more emphasis on the moment just after you start eating the honey. Just go with it, okay?

Because sometimes eating the honey can be a Very Good Thing, indeed.,

Piercing, Chastity, and the country of the blind

Okay, okay, okay. I hear you. Sheesh!

It’s finally time for me to stop crowing about my fitness program, my diet, my shapely muscle definition (did I mention that you can finally start to see my ab muscles?), and the fact that I lost a few more pounds (did I mention that I’m now down to 185?) since my last crowing, and write about something that’s actually interesting to other people.

A devoted reader posted the following comment on my Devices page:

Chorion3000, on October 29th, 2008 at 8:23 am Said:

Hey Tom,
I have really been enjoying your site. Me and the Mrs. have been playing with chastity devices for a few years on and off (CB3000). We both really enjoy it and I have gone as long as a month without any removal/release.

But gosh darnit the thing is so bulky, and some others seem even worse. I am always worried someone will notice the bulge in my pants.

We have been discussing piercing as a solution, and I note that you got your frenum pierced. I wonder if you know whether the connection of a Prince Albert/Guiche or Frenum/Guiche actually makes for a suitable, light weight solution.

I like the painful pressure I get from the CB with an erection begins and wonder if anyone can comment on whether the the piercing approach gives a similar “constrained” feeling. Of course I don’t want my penis to rip apart either…

I have looked around on the internet and just can’t seem to come up with a good resource for this.

BTW, why did you go with the frenum instead of the PA, which seems to heal quicker? Was it a concern over the 2nd peehole…?

Please note the second to last paragraph:

I have looked around on the internet and just can’t seem to come up with a good resource for this.

Don’t you just hate that? Gajillions of page hits on all sorts of sexual fetishes, and you just can’t get reliable information about putting metal hoops into your tonker. What good is teh intertubez when you really need it?

I really don’t know how a PA to Guiche chair would work. I’ve heard about it, but I’m just imagining that it has too much potential for damage or for migration. If your wabbly bits are chained close enough to prevent any arousal, then the pulling action is going to cause the rings to migrate. If you’ve got too much slack, then it’s not going to prevent you from (in technical terminology) having a quick wank.

Chor, here’s the story: I had my tonker pierced because Mrs. Edge and I (okay, mostly I) thought it might be a neat way to anchor the CB3000, so I could do away with the spacer that I made to enhance the security of the device. To us, at the time, the more “inescapable” the device, the hawter the scenario. Nothing says “You’re trapped” like a hunk of metal through your skin, you know?

Anyway, after most of a year and several attempts, we gave up on using the piercing because no matter what we did, it would get an infection after a few days in the device. I kept myself flushed and as clean as possible, and was very careful to use cotton swabs in the shower, but nothing seemed to work. So, after more than a year, I finally removed it. The hole closed up immediately, and that was that.

The thing about a PA is this: I happen to like standing at a urinal to pee. It’s convenient, and where I work, it would be an annoyance if I had to use a stall all the time. And frankly, it would be a hassle for me have to find a stall in the other areas in which I travel, so I spent a bit of time figuring out how to modify my CB3000 in order to make it more upright-peeing friendly. My understanding is that a PA would cause some drippage into the cage, which might leak out (causing some embarrassing spots on my pants) or would sit in the cage and begin to smell (an issue if I’m not in a position to wash it over the course of the day).

Having said that, I want to tell you that the device really is not as noticeable as you think it is. The only time I’ve worried about it is when swimming at a public pool. I wore baggy swim trunks which kept clinging to my body when I got out of the pool. I learned to just shake them out a bit, and pull the legs down. My wife has assured me that the device is very organic looking and does not show under anything that I wear, from jeans to khakis to suits to short. If you use the shortest pin so that the lock stays close, then it probably won’t even show under your underwear, either.

I’ve worn my devices (yes, I have more than one) to the gym, while biking, while working in the yard, to weddings and funerals, and (with a plastic lock) through various airports while on vacation. Yes, at first I was very self-conscious and was always worried that somebody was looking at me. But you know what? Generally, people aren’t as interested in the bulge in your pants as you’d hope they’d be.

Anyway, thanks for writing, and I hope I answered your questions. I’ll be back to showing off writing about my latest fitness goals before you know it.

Denial or Control?

I watched as Mrs. Edge packed her suitcase for the week-long trip that she was taking with her girlfriends, three other women who she has known since high school. They were going to one of those all-inclusive vacation resorts on one of those Carribean islands to celebrate all of them having made it to the half-century mark this year. The usual shoes, sandals, shorts were followed by particularly lacy and revealing undergarments, and several tight, low-cut dresses most of which I had never seen, as she had bought them specifically for this trip. I could feel my cock twitching in my chastity device as I thought about her wearing them while out at the discos, surrounded by handsome, young island men.

Hah! I’ll bet I had some of you going for a minute there, didn’t I? I get a lot of traffic from people – presumably men – searching on some variation of cuckolding or hot-wifery, and just wanted to give them something to think about. Sorry about that, guys!

Actually, she is on a vacation with her old girlfriends, but they’re more interested in nursing their hangovers and blowing their diets. In fact, she called while I was writing this post, and after several days, all of them have been sick from too much food, drink, or sun. Yup, can’t have a proper vacation without overdoing everything in the first two days and regretting it for the rest of the week.

As for me, I’ve been holding down the fort and having some bonding time with the Edgelette. This means we get to browse the used book stores, read manga, play Wii, and talk about life, the universe, and everything. Oh, and have some ice cream. Ice cream is very important bonding food.

Oh, and yes, Mrs. Edge and I had lots of sex all last week, including twice on the day before she left. Then came the question. “Hell, yeah!” was her response as to whether she was going to lock me up while she was gone. The morning she left, the device went back on, and she put the key in her purse. Over the week, I took some pictures of me with the phone cam, and tried to send them, but the service was only letting voice through, and not data. Maybe I should post them here for the next HNT.

Last year’s issues with my frenum piercing getting infected all the time after a few days in the cage put us both off using the devices much for a while, more out of a sense of disappointment. And recently, she’s been requiring extra help in the lubrication department, so we’ve been trying different products. Unfortunately, a few of them have left her feeling uncomfortable when using our other cock, which has caused her to refrain from having me use the strap-on. We decided to try a few more different personal lubes. The KY Warming Gel seemed good at first because it’s very thick, but now she thinks it’s burning a bit. We tried something called Maximus, then switched to Astroglide, but it wasn’t long-lasting enough. Then we went back to the KY, so now I’m off to research some new personal pubes lubes.

While I’m on the topic, though, I wanted to address something that Dave and L, new readers, brought up in comments on one of the last posts about the makers of the CB-x000 line of devices.

L: Tom Allen: He’s the one who told me about male chastity devices. He didn’t exactly ask for it, he acted like he feared it… But it also excites him I decided it sounded fun! So you could say the idea comes from him.
From what I’ve read too, a lot of men are the ones that ask for it, or buy it themselves. From my understanding of it, it’s sort of like a sweet torture. The fact of wearing it is in itself exciting, yet you can’t do anything about it…

Tom Allen: L – And you’re correct, it’s an arousal/fear kind of thing, and can be very frustrating, in a delicious way… until it becomes simply frustrating again.

Dave: I have a different trigger…the idea of my mate asserting ownership of all of the orgasms in our relationship, hers and mine, has a very powerful hold on my psyche.

L: Dave: Yes, my guy has similar fantasies, too, but at the same time, he’s too scared to actually go thru with it. So far, I’ve been nice, the longuest I’ve made him wear it is 5 days.

I run across the occasional news blog that has a picture or link to a male chastity device, and it’s usually followed by a lot of “WTF is that?” and “No freakin’ way I’d wear that” comments. But once in a while I see a few people who ask “Why? What do you get out of it?” The above discussion has a few of the reasons why people in a non-power exchange relationship might explore wearing a device.

Getting back to the point of this post, I haven’t really worn a chastity device for any length of time in the last year that was enforced; generally, it’s been for testing modifications or, more recently, testing the new CB-6000, so this past week has been interesting for me for several reasons.

Because I haven’t had to wear the device in so long, it’s something new again, and that makes it exciting. I’ve had free rein to initiate sex or to masturbate for a while, and the thought of that being removed pushes the control button in a way that’s similar to what Dave describes.

Mrs. Edge not being here, I don’t have the “teasing” aspect that I normally would have which fuels the arousal. The possibility of having sex – using whichever cock she chooses – is always in the back of my mind; and since we both sleep in the nude, at some point I’m spooning against her in the night which is sure to cause a reaction. In other words, I’m not climbing-the-walls horny in her absence. But when she’s gone, I often masturbate simply to relax and help me get to sleep more easily, so I’m also feeling, as L states, the arousal/fear reaction. Not that I’m actually afraid, but rather, I’m asking myself if I could get back into the long-term denial play again, or even the short term play. I mean, orgasms are fun when you’re having them, and giving them up is difficult.

But just having to wear the device this week has had me focusing on the “no orgasm” part, and after having had some free time, I’m finding that I am both aroused, and having a difficult time with the idea that Mrs. Edge might come back from vacation dangling her key and taking back the control once again. The possibility is exciting to think about, and on some level I would completely love to give in, to have her simply say to me that she’s had a chance to recharge and is ready to go back to taking control. But, remembering her tendency to keep me locked up continuously, I’m hesitant to broach the subject with her, for fear that any mention on my part would be just enough impetus for her to actually do so.

I enjoy the control, but I fear the denial. The problem is, denial really is about control, and the longer the denial, the deeper the control. Thinking back on the several times we went for months, I get more aroused – even though the idea of repeating those episodes scares me just a little bit.

:sigh:

Tonight I bought a tube of Astroglide Gel.

Mrs. Edge will be home from vacation soon.

Maybe I’ll mention it after all. . .

I think I’m having a Sugasm

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #135? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Tantra is work and a two way street
“Tantra is hard work and is not all light and orgasmic play.”

Nyotaimori
“She smiles wantonly, but says nothing.”

Submit
“But when you’re really attracted to someone, and part of that attraction is to their dominance, it almost gives you a second wind for pain.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice
Discussing a lifestyle event with strangers

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Chastity Device Mods – 1

Yeah, there are computer geeks who trick out their cases and tweak system settings, and there are gearheads who trick out their cars or motorcycles, and there are even people who mod their lawn tractors. Modding has been done ever since the first caveman put some designs on his spear.

I’ve been promising to put these up for a while, and since I’ve been asked nicely several times recently, I’ve created a page with links to the mods that I’ve done. These are for serious chastity geeks only; the rest of you will probably bored as hell, especially as I’m not actually showing any pictures of the devices on me, since that’s been covered already.

For those of you reading via RSS, WordPress allows you to post pages that are outside of the regular blog feed. You have to actually visit the blog and click on the page tab at the top. The pics of the mods are on the page called The Devices.

A week in a CB-6000: My review

So, a little over a week ago, the technical support staff here at Edge of Vanilla Laboratories locked $200 worth of polycarbonate plastic around my genitals in order to test this new device under real-world conditions. By “real world” we mean that cruel, leather and vinyl clad dominatrixes in thigh boots did not tease and torture me daily and nightly, nor did an old girlfriend, ex-wife, or irate librarian steal the one and only key and/or glue the lock shut. That would be “fantasy world” testing, otherwise known as “wanking material.” No, real world testing at EoV Labs consists of Mrs. Edge locking $200 worth of plastic on me, and sending me off to work. After all day at work, sitting and walking around and adjusting myself and trying not to pee all over myself, I come home and cook dinner, clean some dishes, and relax by sitting in a different chair and reading various blogs and message boards. Real world conditions also included doing various chores and outside household maintenance, like taking down a small tree, moving junk from one side of the garage to the other, raking old leaves, picking up debris from the winter, lugging groceries up a flight of stairs, and attending a business conference.

Obviously, we spare no expense here at EoV Labs in order to provide you with knowledge for your own needs.

The differences between the CB-6000 and the slightly older model, the CB-3000 appear to be slight, but they can be significant for some people.

The Puerile Cuckoo

Okay, fasten your seat belts, because I feel a rant coming on.

The Edge of Vanilla gets a lot of hits from people searching on male chastity and orgasm denial. Those kinks overlap with others, among which are: BDSM, transvestism, tease & denial, female domination, D/s, and cuckolding.

Personally, I don’t understand the attraction of wanting to be considered useless and impotent as a lover, much less the desire to have your wife/partner seek out sex with other men while you wait for the details (or not). Swinging, I understand. Cuckolding? I don’t get it. One of Bitchy’s bestest posts ever covered that quite well:

“you only have to look at the number of toppish women in this thread saying, hell, yeah, what’s in it for me, to see that cuckolding really isn’t about pleasuring your partner. Most women would rather have sex with their partners.”

But so what? I know that we’re all supposed to be understanding and accepting of each other’s kinks and fetishes and all that; and certainly I have some kinks that other people would consider to be odd. There’s no doubt in my mind that consenting adults should be free to do whatever they want.

But what is it that we call “consent”?