Orgasm Denial and its cousin, Chastity Play, are kinks tangentially related to BDSM, although they are often practiced by folks who consider themselves to be “vanilla”. OD can be practiced as a simple “tease and deny” game, which makes it appealing to both men and women who either don’t or won’t look at the underlying D/s dynamic.

And for the moment, we won’t look at it, either.

A few years ago, my wife and I were negotiating some kind of sexual play that would satisfy my own desires for D/s, yet wouldn’t make her feel ridiculous by squeezing into leather corsets and shouting orders (my jokes that it’s not the “shouting orders” part that makes her feel ridiculous is usually met with a cold stare). As we talked about what might work, she mentioned that she used to enjoy it when I wore one of my home-made chastity devices because she liked the idea of being in charge of when I would get to have sex (further jokes along the lines that she’s usually in charge of that anyway were again met with cold stares). Having a machine shop to play with allowed me to build a device that was a cross between the vaunted CB-2000 and a Stallion Guard, although it was uncomfortable to wear for long periods. Accordingly, we purchased the (at the time) new CB-3000. I’ve made some modifications to the device to enhance the comfort and security for long-term wear, but in general it has worked well for us. It does not create unsightly bulges under street clothes, and once my body adapted, I became able to wear it for very extended periods without removal.

But this isn’t about our experiments in “enforced” chastity.

I subscribe to a number of web groups dealing with Orgasm Denial and Chastity Play; at first because I was hungry for information, and later because my own research and experimentation allowed me to pass along some tips, tricks, and thoughts on the idea of chastity. I’ve become a fairly regular contributor in about a half-dozen groups, and as I read the posts that come in looking for support or answers, I’ve noticed a trend that disturbs me a bit: the chastity groups seem to attract “Do/me subs” who, despite the fact that they rarely have a significant other in their lives, are only too happy to pass along their ideas of what chastity, orgasm denial, and general submissiveness “should” be, seemingly without regard for how relationships tend to work in real life.

I confess that after seeing this for several years, I’m still amazed that men write to these web groups professing their indiscriminating desire for a woman – apparently any woman – who will keep them permanently “locked up (the vernacular in the Chastity community for being kept in a device), and “forced” to dress in women’s clothes, to be a “sissy maid”, to have them take other lovers, and to be humiliated in dozens of other ways that would surely end a more “normal” relationship in a New York minute. Generally I avoid comment – there’s an unspoken rule in the kink world that one does not jump all over another person’s kink, no matter how distasteful it may be to you. After all, what would your parents or grandparents, your pastor, or your cow-orkers say about your own kink?

But the other day somebody posted a variation of the above-mentioned messages in several of the groups to which I subscribe, which read in part:

I am going to be honest and blunt to the pointI have decided to spend the rest of my life in pursuit of one goal and that goal is to live for a womans pleasure and in such a way to maximize her pleasure and happiness to the actual exclusion of any for me….I think the best phrase to simplify this thought is that I dont have to cum as you cum for the two of us….looking for someone to help me achieve this goal and who might be selfish enough to have it as her own goal….anyway ..would love to talk to you ….

Leaving aside for the moment my pet peeves of bad spelling and grammar, I read this several times trying to get into the mindset of someone who would post this. Then I tried to get into the mindset of someone who would want this for themselves. I gave up, and then gave in to my first impulse. I posted a response, for which I’m expecting to get my wrist slapped by the group moderator:

I read this and all I could think was “How sad for both you and this undetermined woman.” What you’ve essentially done is to post a personal ad saying “I don’t care who you are as long as you indulge in my self-denial kink.”

Seriously, while you use all the pleasant and flowery terms, the fact is that you’re merely offering yourself up to pretty much any woman that comes along. How would an offer like that make any woman (or man) feel special and worthy of such an offer? It smacks of someone who has so little self-worth or value that they don’t seem to care who takes them up, so long as they get to fulfill their own little fantasy with some nameless mistress.

I can’t imagine what would motivate a woman to take you up on this.

I’ve been flamed in the past for responding to messages in such a way as to rain on somebody’s parade. I don’t know what came over me, but I just had to say it. I’ll admit that this is partly fueled by my own enjoyment of this kink as something that can stay on the vanilla/kink border; and that the men looking for indeterminate women to humiliate them will eventually become the majority in this community, turning off the couples who are looking to try something new to spice up their vanilla sex lives. I’ve corresponded with probably a couple of dozen newbies who had questions about denial and chastity, but did not want to get involved in any BDSM. I think that reading posts like the ones above would probably scare them off.

Lately I’ve been reading the similar reactions to the Domme-less subs from other bloggers, including the ever-articulate Richard Evans Lee who seems to be as tired of the men who can’t separate their fantasy D/s life from the real world as I am. It makes me think that perhaps I need to take a break from the web group world in order to regain some perspective.

By the way, this post represents the first departure from my Live Journal blog. I had been mirroring the LJ posts here, and I may continue to do so, but I will probably keep this web log for the more specialized topics and the more kink-related topics.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in BDSM, CB3000, chastity, kink, orgasm denial. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Indiscrimination

  1. lockedgem says:

    Tom, I’ve been a member of the CB3000 group since about Jan/Feb 2004 so I’ve seen many of the worthwhile and helpful responses you have made to some of the postings. Some of your journal is curiously interesting for me to read and I appreciate you doing this.

    You seem to be getting a bee under your bonnet about a particular issue here but I’m not overly sure your soapbox stand on this is that worthwhile. Please don’t take this as flaming. I understand where you are coming from and mainly I agree with it.

    The example you make here, however, about a particular posting and your response to it surprises me a little bit.

    I haven’t seen the whole of the post in question but from the extract you give, to me, the guy seems to be aspiring to not an unreasonable goal. Ok, it’s rather specific and not the style I would take if I was on the look out for a suitable partner who could share in the kinks I have. I’m also sure he won’t get any success from that kind of posting either, but, I think your apparent response wasn’t one of your best.

    I really don’t think he was looking for a nameless mistress.

    By the way, I hate to have to mention it, but I don’t see any spelling or grammar errors in the post extract except for some minor punctuation mistakes! (He scratches his head in puzzlement.)

    Some people join these yahoo groups to fuel their fantasies and to find an outlet for them. It’s not going to change and for those looking for helpful information they ought to be wise enough to sift the wheat from the chaff. I think we have no choice but to live with that. And yes it seems that these kinds are tending to dominate the groups.

    You might be right that newbies to the scene might be put off by the ‘unhelpful’ responses (as you mentioned in one of your more recent posts), but I think those newbies, if they are really serious about exploring the ‘scene’ will learn to ignore the unhelpful responses and will eventually find the helpful information they are looking for from either in or outside the group.

    Your blogger site title “Edge of vanilla” is interesting. Judging from the many posts I’ve read from you in your yahoo groups, you seem mostly to have a very satisfying sex life, yet, as is common in human nature, you are in need of pushing and exploring the boundaries of your sexual experiences. As you do that, you try very slowly to implement some of the fantasies you have, that are on the other side of the vanilla edge boundary, into your sexual relationship with your wife. Definitely nothing wrong with that in my opinion. And as slow as it seems, you are succeeding, because now you have a frenum piercing – you dirty old deviant! (wink).

    I wish you good luck with your journals and I sincerely hope I’ll learn much from what you will share with us. I hope also I can make some interesting and worthwhile comments to some of your entries from time to time. I give my apologies now for any grammar and punctuation errors I made here.


  2. Tom Allen says:

    Hi LG!
    I admit that I’m getting a little burned out on some of the Yahoo groups. I think those groups are really the entry points for many of the Clueless, and as you mention, so many of them seem to use the groups simply to fuel their own fantasies. Part of that bee in my bonnet is a reaction to what I see as the sheer cluelessness of many of these posts; I can’t think of many women who would be turned on by messages like the one I wrote about here. Rather, it would scare the hell out of most of them.

    Unfortunately, the kink world does not have many resources for introducing the more vanilla members of society into the concepts. I see the Yahoo groups as a possible way for people to get information, either for themselves or for understanding a partner who has come out. The messages asking for extreme behavior (while ignoring any emotional interplay) don’t present kinksters in a good light, in my own opinion. I think I’m less concerned with newbies who want to explore, and more concerned with the partners who are only introduced to kink by way of a partner who is tired of fantasizing and wants to explore.

    Some of the stuff that I see on the chastity groups bothers me because chastity play is (or can be) a very soft introduction to kink, yet the groups seem to be slowly overtaken by men who want to be sissified cuckolds; if that were my own wife’s first exposure to that then she’d freak out.

    Anyway, enough of my rambling and ranting. Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for the compliments. I’ve been swamped at work and have been busy with some fundraising events that have kept me from putting any real thoughts down. Hopefully I’ll get back to my regular ego posting soon enough.


  3. Pingback: LFA = Loving Fundie Authority « The Edge of Vanilla

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