Orgasm Denial and its cousin, Chastity Play, are kinks tangentially related to BDSM, although they are often practiced by folks who consider themselves to be “vanilla”. OD can be practiced as a simple “tease and deny” game, which makes it appealing to both men and women who either don’t or won’t look at the underlying D/s dynamic.
And for the moment, we won’t look at it, either.
A few years ago, my wife and I were negotiating some kind of sexual play that would satisfy my own desires for D/s, yet wouldn’t make her feel ridiculous by squeezing into leather corsets and shouting orders (my jokes that it’s not the “shouting orders” part that makes her feel ridiculous is usually met with a cold stare). As we talked about what might work, she mentioned that she used to enjoy it when I wore one of my home-made chastity devices because she liked the idea of being in charge of when I would get to have sex (further jokes along the lines that she’s usually in charge of that anyway were again met with cold stares). Having a machine shop to play with allowed me to build a device that was a cross between the vaunted CB-2000 and a Stallion Guard, although it was uncomfortable to wear for long periods. Accordingly, we purchased the (at the time) new CB-3000. I’ve made some modifications to the device to enhance the comfort and security for long-term wear, but in general it has worked well for us. It does not create unsightly bulges under street clothes, and once my body adapted, I became able to wear it for very extended periods without removal.
But this isn’t about our experiments in “enforced” chastity.
I subscribe to a number of web groups dealing with Orgasm Denial and Chastity Play; at first because I was hungry for information, and later because my own research and experimentation allowed me to pass along some tips, tricks, and thoughts on the idea of chastity. I’ve become a fairly regular contributor in about a half-dozen groups, and as I read the posts that come in looking for support or answers, I’ve noticed a trend that disturbs me a bit: the chastity groups seem to attract “Do/me subs” who, despite the fact that they rarely have a significant other in their lives, are only too happy to pass along their ideas of what chastity, orgasm denial, and general submissiveness “should” be, seemingly without regard for how relationships tend to work in real life.
I confess that after seeing this for several years, I’m still amazed that men write to these web groups professing their indiscriminating desire for a woman – apparently any woman – who will keep them permanently “locked up (the vernacular in the Chastity community for being kept in a device), and “forced” to dress in women’s clothes, to be a “sissy maid”, to have them take other lovers, and to be humiliated in dozens of other ways that would surely end a more “normal” relationship in a New York minute. Generally I avoid comment – there’s an unspoken rule in the kink world that one does not jump all over another person’s kink, no matter how distasteful it may be to you. After all, what would your parents or grandparents, your pastor, or your cow-orkers say about your own kink?
But the other day somebody posted a variation of the above-mentioned messages in several of the groups to which I subscribe, which read in part:
I am going to be honest and blunt to the pointI have decided to spend the rest of my life in pursuit of one goal and that goal is to live for a womans pleasure and in such a way to maximize her pleasure and happiness to the actual exclusion of any for me….I think the best phrase to simplify this thought is that I dont have to cum as you cum for the two of us….looking for someone to help me achieve this goal and who might be selfish enough to have it as her own goal….anyway ..would love to talk to you ….
Leaving aside for the moment my pet peeves of bad spelling and grammar, I read this several times trying to get into the mindset of someone who would post this. Then I tried to get into the mindset of someone who would want this for themselves. I gave up, and then gave in to my first impulse. I posted a response, for which I’m expecting to get my wrist slapped by the group moderator:
I read this and all I could think was “How sad for both you and this undetermined woman.” What you’ve essentially done is to post a personal ad saying “I don’t care who you are as long as you indulge in my self-denial kink.”
Seriously, while you use all the pleasant and flowery terms, the fact is that you’re merely offering yourself up to pretty much any woman that comes along. How would an offer like that make any woman (or man) feel special and worthy of such an offer? It smacks of someone who has so little self-worth or value that they don’t seem to care who takes them up, so long as they get to fulfill their own little fantasy with some nameless mistress.
I can’t imagine what would motivate a woman to take you up on this.
I’ve been flamed in the past for responding to messages in such a way as to rain on somebody’s parade. I don’t know what came over me, but I just had to say it. I’ll admit that this is partly fueled by my own enjoyment of this kink as something that can stay on the vanilla/kink border; and that the men looking for indeterminate women to humiliate them will eventually become the majority in this community, turning off the couples who are looking to try something new to spice up their vanilla sex lives. I’ve corresponded with probably a couple of dozen newbies who had questions about denial and chastity, but did not want to get involved in any BDSM. I think that reading posts like the ones above would probably scare them off.
Lately I’ve been reading the similar reactions to the Domme-less subs from other bloggers, including the ever-articulate Richard Evans Lee who seems to be as tired of the men who can’t separate their fantasy D/s life from the real world as I am. It makes me think that perhaps I need to take a break from the web group world in order to regain some perspective.
By the way, this post represents the first departure from my Live Journal blog. I had been mirroring the LJ posts here, and I may continue to do so, but I will probably keep this web log for the more specialized topics and the more kink-related topics.