When Someone You Love is Kinky – 2

This is the second part in a series, describing how I finally brought out my desires and thoughts on kink to my wife, and some of the ways in which it affected our relationship.

What follows is an reworked version of something written for another group, but which seems particularly appropriate to post here. This took place about three years ago, several months after my previous article. We had been in couples therapy for about eight months at the time this was written.

Four or five months ago, I had brought up that I wanted to give Janet Hardy’s book to my wife, but I had some concerns that she would use this kind of information as leverage in visitation with my daughter (we’d been separated for the better part of a year). Over the last couple of months, we’ve been able to get a lot of the issues on the table, including certain issues about trust. I brought up my concerns about her using my desires for some kink and other “sexual creativity” against me in that respect, and it’s led to some good conversations.

A few weeks ago, we realized that we were at a point in counseling where we were kind of stuck. I admitted in therapy that I have some issues that I’ve been hesitant to bring up, and since I really hate it when somebody drops a bomb and just sits there, I figured that I should do something about it. So that weekend, I arranged a sitter and we went out for dinner. We had a nice time, went back to my apartment for a bit, and finally I bit down on the bullet and came out with it.

I explained that I couldn’t do the plain vanilla routine any longer, that there were things that I had fantasized about for a long time but have had to keep buried, and how much living a secret life inside my head has affected our relationship. I gave her the book, having highlighted some sections that I thought were relevant.

To her credit, she didn’t freak; instead she took a moment to digest things, and I allowed her to ask me questions on that subject. First, she said that she knew that it was something huge that I was about to drop on her, and she had been wondering if I was going to tell her that I was gay. Then we got into the serious questions. She asked if it meant that I expected to dress in leather all the time, if I liked pain, did I want to involve other people, animals, or what. In other words, she pretty much brought up all of the stereotypes that are constantly displayed in the movies and on TV. I was sweating like crazy by this time, and I did my best to answer things as openly and as honestly as possible.

For the next few days, we talked. And talked. And then talked some more. For me, it was a huge relief to finally get that off my chest, and I answered all questions and pointed her toward as much web information as I could find (I had already marked some of the “softer” femdommish sites, along with other kink information). On her part, she took some initiative and checked out some of the web resources listed in the back of the book, something that I didn’t think that she would actually do on her own. Finally, she asked me if she should take a knot-tying course, and after a good laugh we started to get into some serious discussions as to what it meant for the relationship as a whole. As a good part of my kink runs to D/s and female dominant fantasies, I copied several excellent web sites and printed them out for her to read. She took some time to try to understand why I like certain things, quite different from a year or two ago when she was dismissive, if not downright critical. She told me how she felt about things, and I gave her every opportunity to discuss her concerns.

Understand that this talking did not all take place in one night, nor even in one week. This was several weeks of talking between work and children and other social responsibilities. We made as much time as possible to talk, though, which was important to me because for years I had been the one to complain that we never had any intimate time. And I want to stress that probably for the first time since we were married I felt as if she was actually interested in what I had to say, and she really seemed to work hard at trying to understand what I was trying to say. I covered more than just sex, of course, but I tried to express everything in the context of needing a different way to relate, both sexually and intimately.

One night, we were in the middle of making love, and we talked about sexual things – turn-ons, scenes, likes, dislikes, etc., when my wife began to open up and describe something that we had done a few years back that used to push her “hot” button; and for reasons she couldn’t explain, even though she enjoyed it in the past, she had always felt hesitant to bring it up again. On my part, since she never brought it up, I figured that she was politely avoiding the issue so as not to embarrass me. As we talked about it, it seemed that it could be a nice introduction into D/s play for both of us. It involved a little bit of equipment (always a turn-on for me), and it involved her taking some control over me (something that turned her on), and something that could be done discreetly enough so that she could ease into it to see if she felt comfortable with the idea. Sounded like a win-win scenario to both of us at the time.

And that’s how the next day found me wearing a chastity device.

It was something that I had built several years earlier, having seen pictures of some bulky contraptions on several other websites. Since I own a small machine shop, it was fairly easy for me to build something more customized. We used it several times for anywhere from a long weekend to a couple of weeks, but we never talked about what we were doing or how we were feeling about it, and never went back to discuss what we thought after a period was finished. On my part, since most other discussion about sex seemed to be met with disinterest, I figured that it was just some quirk of hers, and was always too embarrassed to bring it up again. She still can’t describe why she wouldn’t bring it up herself.

We played with it for a day or two, and in the course of talking, I mentioned that there was a new model on the market (the CB3000 had just come out a few months earlier). She looked at the website and decided that we needed to order one. I got a little embarrassed and explained that I’d already bought one a couple of months earlier, just because it seemed like such a cool thing. It was back at my apartment, where I’d wear it at night or on weekends. “You’ve got to go get it,” she said, and the next day I picked it up after work and showed her how it worked. She seemed thrilled, and kept touching the device, even after it was on.

Suffice it to say that the entire concept of taking control of my/our sex life became a huge turn-on for her, and since then she’s been almost insatiable about it. In fact, it’s been working so well for her, and she seems to be enjoying herself so much that I have stopped asking if she’s going along for my benefit, and started wondering if she’s going to outpace me. I’m sure that this won’t last, but I’m enjoying the little honeymoon period for now.

That being said, we both understand that there are other issues in our relationship that may not work out quite so easily, however we also understand that we can approach those kinds of issues in the same manner: by being honest and not assuming that the other is thinking or wanting something without checking it out first.

I’m sure that there’s a lesson here someplace…

Now, I know that there are quite a few readers who have been in circumstances similar to mine, and who have questions about my wife and I handled this. Understand that I do not believe that everyone would respond in the same way. However, I do want everyone to understand that, especially in a relationship of five, ten, twenty years, that your partner has as much at stake in the relationship as you do!

Go back and read that again. I think that most of us – myself included – have (or have had) a very difficult time understanding this point. We’ve invested a lot of time and energy into our relationship, which is often whey we’re afraid to bring up kink in the first place: we’re afraid that in doing so we risk losing the love of our partner. Worse, I think that some people begin to believe that their partner will be all too ready to toss five or even twenty-five years of a relationship out the window; and what holds them back from explaining their desires to their partner is the fear that their partner really doesn’t care enough to accept them.

That’s a horrible thought to live with, isn’t it?

No matter what you think her (or his) reaction will be, once you’ve finally gotten over the fear of talking about your desires and concerns, it’s possible that you will discover that your partner loves you enough to accept those things in you. And if they can’t accept them, then it’s better for your own mental health to get on with dealing with the solid facts, rather than the ambiguous and indeterminate fears.


If you found this interesting, you might also be interested in some of my other real-life experiences which are listed in the True Tales page.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in CB3000, chastity, coming out, intimacy, kink, orgasm denial, relationships, True Tales, vanilla. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to When Someone You Love is Kinky – 2

  1. Jamie says:

    My mental pinball machine lit up when I read

    your partner has as much at stake in the relationship as you do…what holds them back from explaining their desires to their partner is the fear that their partner really doesn’t care enough to accept them.

    You hit the nail directly and unquivocably on the head with those comments. That’s me.

    Both parts of your story are incredibly moving and your sharing of them more valuable than you might believe. The first part was scary – the idea that I might be so unhappy as to move out seems both plausible and threatening. While I’m sure you left of where you did for good reason, it was too scary a place for me to absorb and comment on.

    But with this next part, the “miracle” happens – well, “miracle” often seems to be a synonym for “a lot of hard work not apparent to the viewer.” It sounds like you guys did that, and had the fortuitous circumstance that there were things in there that tickled your wife’s fancy as well. And that’s both inspiring and reassuring to those like me who are on the baby steps of this path (relationship-wise).

    This really is a life story that I could see sharing with my beloved part way though a conversation. Thank you again.

    Jamie
    AnUnremarkableLife.blogspot.com

  2. Tom Allen says:

    your partner has as much at stake in the relationship as you do.

    Jamie, I read something similar myself years ago. The problem is that I just didn’t believe it.

    I wrote elsewhere that for many of us it’s already difficult enough to deal with intimacy and trust issues in a relationship, but when you add some kink into the mix then it becomes absolutely frightening. “What if she tells all my friends and family that I want to be tied up and whipped?” “What if he tells my cow-orkers that I need a hard spanking to get me in the mood?” “What if s/he thinks I’m sick and wants a divorce?” Those thoughts run through your head until you can only see the worst possible scenaraio: abandonment and humiliation.

    Yup, scary, alright.

    You’re correct about the “miracle”, though. It takes work – in the form of talking and trying to understand. In our case, there are other intimacy issues that did not surface until recently, issues that kept things from moving forward. I’ll get to them eventually, because it sounds like it’s not too dissimilar to your own situation.

  3. saratoga says:

    Yes, something I realized years ago in a similar situation.

    But, that presumes something else. That you’ve grown so far apart from your partner, or never grew so close, that you really don’t even know.

    That, I would contend, is far sadder.

    Is it even fair to expect someone with whom you haven’t built the best vanilla intimacy you can, to accept a conversation on transitioning to a FemDom relationship?

    It’s a fair question, I think. I’ve written a post recently on coming clean with a partner, and how much unhappiness you can spread by not doing so, if you know, a priori, that kink/FemDom has to be in your relationship.

    -saratoga
    http://www.ondominance.blogspot.com

  4. robert says:

    Well done! Thank you for sharing.
    robert

  5. Tom Allen says:

    S, it’s my contention that most people get married before they’ve learned how to build and deal with intimacy. Hell, I sometimes think that most people get married without really knowing themselves enough to be intimate with anyone.

    Is it fair to expect to build a non-vanilla relationship when you haven’t even become intimate on vanilla terms? That’s a good question, and for some people the answer would be “No.” After all, when you start exploring non-traditonal avenues, it would be nice to have a trusted partner alongside you.

    But others might find that the exploration itself is the trust- and intimacy- building activty, much as those “Outward Bound” styled team building exercises help to break down emotional walls and replace them with something else.

    I’m at a different place in my life than I was at 24. Knowing what I know now, I’d be getting the kink talk out of the way ASAP. A little discomfort and embarrassment upfront is much better than ten or twenty years of intimate stress.

  6. saratoga says:

    Tom-

    oh, I agree with you on all counts. now, I know myself well enough to do what I suggested in that post a week or so ago.

    but way back, before the internet, etc, I don’t know that i could distinguish between fetish and lifestyle submission drives.

    Your outward bound analogy is intersting, and a good idea. but if you’re ‘there,’ it probably means you are, still, a bit out of touch with the partner to begin with.

  7. Tom:

    Wonderful post. Well written and I too was once where you are at now….about 3 months ago.

    I gave her the book, “Around Her Finger.” She read it and we have been practicing a fun, sexy version of a wife-led relationship ever since.

    It works for us, because my wife isn’t that sexual. By her controlling my orgasms, some playful teasing and taking orders from her has brought us closer together. We are both happier.

    I hope everything works out for you and your wife and of course, your daughter.

  8. Lockedgem says:

    Tom,

    You’ve shared your story before about how you came er I mean… implemented chastity play into your sex life and I’m glad you keep on sharing it time and again.

    This is a good thing to be on the soapbox about because there are always many people at a similar point in their lives who need to hear this kind of advice for the sake of finding a better quality of intimacy in their relationships.

    Keep up the good work Tom.

  9. Tom Allen says:

    LG, I’m glad that you mentioned this. I sometimes feel that I shouldn’t repeat the same story, but in different venues it’s probably not such a bad thing to do.

    I’ve got a couple of more parts to this series, but I need more time to polish them enough for posting.

  10. DIOGENHC says:

    Tom, I have been reading your Yahoo posts for several years, so of course I’m familiar with how you and your wife got started.

    I want to encourage you to re-post, re-edit, and generally update your story. Each time, you provide a bit more nuance and perspective, and I think that is helpful.

    Personally, I like your stuff because you are one of the few who doesn’t come at this from a FemDom or Female Supremacy angle.

    FemDom and D/s are fine and workable for a SMALL MINORITY of people but, fantasy aside, can never be mainstream. And yet I want to believe there’s a real potential for T&D/ O.D./ Chastity as GAMES with the FemDom kept low key and confined to the context of the game.

    I realize that’s tricky to achieve, and certainly not for everyone. My point is I think something like that has a broader potential than the Lifestyle versions of Fem Supremacy or even LFA. My further point is that people are different, with different needs and interests, and I like seeing that expressed in your posts and blog.

  11. rachael says:

    love that headboard!

  12. Tom Allen says:

    Yes, Rachael, it’s a great headboard because it has so many options for attachment points for restraints.

    Oh, wait- you’re just a spammer… you don’t care about my feelings at all, do you?
    *sniff*

  13. mykey says:

    Good God I wish I had read these two posts 5 or better still 10 years back. Almost cried at the thought of how much pain it could have averted! My wife and I are still together and slowly figuring this stuff out, but to have read this when the problems first started? .. Well its been a much harder road to where we are now than it could have been (perhaps not quite as hard as yours but close).

    Thanks for sharing!

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