I’ve been reading over some of the messages from several of the mailing lists and web groups that focus on certain aspects of D/s, notably the groups dealing with chastity and orgasm control. I’ve mentioned that over the last several years this has become one of my interests, although I’m not quite sure how it happened. Anyway, I and several others are usually on hand to answer some of the more technical questions that, er, arise.
Over the last couple of years, I have noticed that there is a certain class of response (or perhaps better to say a class of respondent) that shows up, usually right after a newbie voices a concern about wearing a device. I used to ignore this particular class of response, but lately I seem to see them popping up all over – and not specifically in the chastity groups. I’m not sure if this is a new thing, or if they have always been there and I’m simply noticing it more because it’s similar to that phenonemon in which, for example, after you buy a red car you suddenly notice just how many red cars are on the road.
Let me give a more specific example. I recently read a message from someone who had introduced his girlfriend to the CB3000, and they’ve been playing with it on and off for several months. He wears it on weekends, or sometimes at work for a day or so, maybe up to several days at a time. She removes it and they have sex, and maybe she’ll put it back on, or wait a day or maybe until later in the week. In other words, it’s a new thing for them and they have been having a good time playing.
Now, he writes, she’s suddenly getting really into it and wants him to wear it 24/7; she has told him that he might have to go for a week or two without orgasm, and that she’d like to work him up to going a month or more. He’s nervous; like a lot of men, he’s pretty well accustomed to several orgasms a week, either with a partner or not. He is worried about wearing the device 24/7 for both technical and emotional reasons. The technical problems – keeping it clean, getting used to the 4 a.m. erections, using it at work – are fairly easy to deal with, more so because he’d already been using the device.
More of a problem, though, is the emotional roller coaster that ensues when one chooses to allow another to make all of the sexual decisions. While he’s happy that his girlfriend is taking an active role in their sex life, he’s concerned about how he’ll cope with the frustration. What if she gets “too far” into this? He’s never been more than a few days without an orgasm, how will he manage to cope with a week or more? What if she makes him go two months? What if she doesn’t remove the cage at all? How will he be able to control his frustration?
Now, these concerns are typical for people into this particular lifestyle, understandably so. He was asking, quite simply, “How do I cope with the emotions of excitement and frustration as I turn over this portion of my sexuality to my girlfriend?” Yet some of the responses posted to his message were, in my opinion, particularly unhelpful. Typical replies were comments like:
“You don’t get any say in this, it’s all your girlfriend’s decision.”
“Just get used to it and be thankful you get to lick her pussy.”
“You’re just a lowly male and should not be questioning the wisdom of the SUPERIOR FEMALE.”
“Why are you even asking? You should never have any say in being released.”
“Your desires don’t count anymore, it’s all about what SHE wants.”
“Think you’re complaining now? What are you going to do when she throws away the key and cuckolds you with other studs?”
At first, I just blew those remarks off as probably coming from the Clueless Subbie Types that don’t have their own partners. But then I began to look at this type of response from a different perspective; taken one at a time they were easy to dismiss, but when seen in a group they presented a different message:
“That’s the way it is.”
“Your desires are not important.”
“Who are you to question authority?”
Where have I heard those messages before? The first thing that came to mind was hearing this message at church; God wants you to do (or not do) this. Don’t ask questions, just give yourself over. Of course, I’ve also heard that message as a youngster in school, at various jobs, and from both major political parties. It’s the war cry of the Fundamentalist.
While it would be easy to pick on religious fundies, the fact is that virtually every interest group seems to develop a cadre of those who prefer to see strict adherence to seemingly endless sets of rules – and the more rules, the better. And while it would also be easy to pick on the Gor groupies, at least they let you know right up front that they have all sorts of rules. No, the fundies that worry me are the ones who have a set of rules made up only in their own heads and can’t understand why everyone else is not following the same script.
As I went back to read those unhelpful responses to various other messages, a pattern began to emerge. Apparently, in the Fundamentalist Femdomme world all men are inferior creatures, and all WOMEN (note the capital letters – that’s always an important clue) are SUPERIOR to men in every way and men should learn their place. But some other rules emerge as well:
Men should never be allowed an orgasm, unless at the permission of the SUPERIOR FEMALE and usually by some painful and/or humiliating methods. Orgasm inside a SF is to be a rare and appreciated gift. Oral sex is the preferred manner for men to give pleasure to the SF, and should never be reciprocated. Oh, and men should be made to wear women’s underwear to add to their daily humiliation – although I can’t seem to understand why wearing the apparel of the SUPERIOR partner would be humiliating. But that’s a topic for another day.
In other words, if you want to play in the “kinky” or the “femdom” sandbox, then it’s all or nothing.
I don’t understand what causes people to be attracted to fundamentalism, nor do I understand the motivation to impose these viewpoints on people who are obviously not playing in the same sandbox, let alone in the same game. In my earlier example, here we have a young couple that is obviously having a good time playing together; I can’t even imagine what he must have thought in reading those kinds of responses to his concerns.
Even more interesting, and in retrospect perhaps a bit disturbing, is that nobody called these Femdom Fundies to task for their responses. Nobody said “Hey, lighten up, he’s a newbie,” or Dude, chill out – they’re just getting started,” or even “It’s nice that you have your desires, but please don’t impose your kinks on someone else.”
I didn’t call them on it, either, and I confess that until very recently the thought to do so hadn’t even occurred to me. I now wonder how many people, new to either a BDSM lifestyle or simply new to some kind of kink play have read the various “Thou shalt not” pronouncements and thought to themselves how strange that a group that is outside of the “vanilla mainstream” mirrors some of the worst qualities of that world.