LFA = Loving Fundie Authority

I’ve been reading over some of the messages from several of the mailing lists and web groups that focus on certain aspects of D/s, notably the groups dealing with chastity and orgasm control. I’ve mentioned that over the last several years this has become one of my interests, although I’m not quite sure how it happened. Anyway, I and several others are usually on hand to answer some of the more technical questions that, er, arise.

Over the last couple of years, I have noticed that there is a certain class of response (or perhaps better to say a class of respondent) that shows up, usually right after a newbie voices a concern about wearing a device. I used to ignore this particular class of response, but lately I seem to see them popping up all over – and not specifically in the chastity groups. I’m not sure if this is a new thing, or if they have always been there and I’m simply noticing it more because it’s similar to that phenonemon in which, for example, after you buy a red car you suddenly notice just how many red cars are on the road.

Let me give a more specific example. I recently read a message from someone who had introduced his girlfriend to the CB3000, and they’ve been playing with it on and off for several months. He wears it on weekends, or sometimes at work for a day or so, maybe up to several days at a time. She removes it and they have sex, and maybe she’ll put it back on, or wait a day or maybe until later in the week. In other words, it’s a new thing for them and they have been having a good time playing.

Now, he writes, she’s suddenly getting really into it and wants him to wear it 24/7; she has told him that he might have to go for a week or two without orgasm, and that she’d like to work him up to going a month or more. He’s nervous; like a lot of men, he’s pretty well accustomed to several orgasms a week, either with a partner or not. He is worried about wearing the device 24/7 for both technical and emotional reasons. The technical problems – keeping it clean, getting used to the 4 a.m. erections, using it at work – are fairly easy to deal with, more so because he’d already been using the device.

More of a problem, though, is the emotional roller coaster that ensues when one chooses to allow another to make all of the sexual decisions. While he’s happy that his girlfriend is taking an active role in their sex life, he’s concerned about how he’ll cope with the frustration. What if she gets “too far” into this? He’s never been more than a few days without an orgasm, how will he manage to cope with a week or more? What if she makes him go two months? What if she doesn’t remove the cage at all? How will he be able to control his frustration?

Now, these concerns are typical for people into this particular lifestyle, understandably so. He was asking, quite simply, “How do I cope with the emotions of excitement and frustration as I turn over this portion of my sexuality to my girlfriend?” Yet some of the responses posted to his message were, in my opinion, particularly unhelpful. Typical replies were comments like:

“You don’t get any say in this, it’s all your girlfriend’s decision.”
“Just get used to it and be thankful you get to lick her pussy.”
“You’re just a lowly male and should not be questioning the wisdom of the SUPERIOR FEMALE.”
“Why are you even asking? You should never have any say in being released.”
“Your desires don’t count anymore, it’s all about what SHE wants.”
“Think you’re complaining now? What are you going to do when she throws away the key and cuckolds you with other studs?”

At first, I just blew those remarks off as probably coming from the Clueless Subbie Types that don’t have their own partners. But then I began to look at this type of response from a different perspective; taken one at a time they were easy to dismiss, but when seen in a group they presented a different message:

“That’s the way it is.”
“Your desires are not important.”
“Who are you to question authority?”

Where have I heard those messages before? The first thing that came to mind was hearing this message at church; God wants you to do (or not do) this. Don’t ask questions, just give yourself over. Of course, I’ve also heard that message as a youngster in school, at various jobs, and from both major political parties. It’s the war cry of the Fundamentalist.

While it would be easy to pick on religious fundies, the fact is that virtually every interest group seems to develop a cadre of those who prefer to see strict adherence to seemingly endless sets of rules – and the more rules, the better. And while it would also be easy to pick on the Gor groupies, at least they let you know right up front that they have all sorts of rules. No, the fundies that worry me are the ones who have a set of rules made up only in their own heads and can’t understand why everyone else is not following the same script.

As I went back to read those unhelpful responses to various other messages, a pattern began to emerge. Apparently, in the Fundamentalist Femdomme world all men are inferior creatures, and all WOMEN (note the capital letters – that’s always an important clue) are SUPERIOR to men in every way and men should learn their place. But some other rules emerge as well:
Men should never be allowed an orgasm, unless at the permission of the SUPERIOR FEMALE and usually by some painful and/or humiliating methods. Orgasm inside a SF is to be a rare and appreciated gift. Oral sex is the preferred manner for men to give pleasure to the SF, and should never be reciprocated. Oh, and men should be made to wear women’s underwear to add to their daily humiliation – although I can’t seem to understand why wearing the apparel of the SUPERIOR partner would be humiliating. But that’s a topic for another day.

In other words, if you want to play in the “kinky” or the “femdom” sandbox, then it’s all or nothing.

I don’t understand what causes people to be attracted to fundamentalism, nor do I understand the motivation to impose these viewpoints on people who are obviously not playing in the same sandbox, let alone in the same game. In my earlier example, here we have a young couple that is obviously having a good time playing together; I can’t even imagine what he must have thought in reading those kinds of responses to his concerns.

Even more interesting, and in retrospect perhaps a bit disturbing, is that nobody called these Femdom Fundies to task for their responses. Nobody said “Hey, lighten up, he’s a newbie,” or Dude, chill out – they’re just getting started,” or even “It’s nice that you have your desires, but please don’t impose your kinks on someone else.”

I didn’t call them on it, either, and I confess that until very recently the thought to do so hadn’t even occurred to me. I now wonder how many people, new to either a BDSM lifestyle or simply new to some kind of kink play have read the various “Thou shalt not” pronouncements and thought to themselves how strange that a group that is outside of the “vanilla mainstream” mirrors some of the worst qualities of that world.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in CB3000, chastity, FLR, kink, LFA, orgasm denial. Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to LFA = Loving Fundie Authority

  1. robert says:

    i think you have made some VERY astute assessments about human nature. Thank you for sharing them.


  2. oldbear says:

    Right on brother, nice post. I am a fool sometimes and deserve blog smackdown. But still it irks me to see a FemDom orhtodoxy used to bludgeon newbies.

  3. saratoga says:

    While I agree with you regarding unconditional, extra-relationship remarks concerning “FemSupreme” or “FemSuperior,” there may be a sense in which the binary choice about which you have written makes sense.

    Simply put, when a male offers/solicits his female partner to take control of his cock, he can do so ‘with limits.’ She can choose to accept them, or not. If she does, then it’s her choice within the limits.

    If she doesn’t want to accept his limits, he has a choice- to submit unconditionally, or withdraw his offer to give her control of his cock.

    I think the very nature of a male offering to be in chastity, or give control of his cock to his female, lends the resulting situation an air of ‘all or nothing.’

    It’s not an ideological tautology, in my opinion. But I do think that, once in the situation, the effect is similar.

    If the guy requests too many limits, the woman may view it as a classic ‘topping from the bottom fetish’ thing.

    I’ve written about this sort of ‘conditioned submission’ on my blog, specifically on the subject of sexually-conditioned submission.

    So, in the end, I agree with you per se, on the lack of an existing ‘truth’ regarding what a guy ‘should’ experience with chastity.

    But, that said, once he’s surrendered that control, on the basis of whatever limits he secured, he is pretty much no longer in control, and, thus, subject to a sort of fundamentalism on the part of his female partner.

    If you read your fundamentalist quotes with that in mind, they make sense. To me, anyway.

  4. Brian says:

    After reading your post, and the comments, I think ther’s an aspect some people are missing. BDSM isn’t about giving control to someone else, it’s about ‘willingly’ giving control to someone else. That difference is crucial.
    What that difference means is that if a sub, bottom, slave, whatever word you wanna use; gets in and decided it’s too deep, they have the right to end it. And this is why trust is so important.
    To use the example you described, lets say he decides to give the longer time frame. He needs to be able to trust that if at some point he decides its too much, that he can go to her, and be released. If he doesn’t trust her that far, than he shouldn’t do it.
    As far as those folks who think his desires don’t matter, are you kidding me? The whole thing started because of his desire. Male desire is central to the entire chastity scene (at least when it’s fla). I’m not saying that women don’t enjoy it too, if they didn’t they wouldn’t keep doing it. But what they’re enjoying is controlling the males desire. Without the males desire the whole thing becomes pretty pointless.
    I have to agree with you about the nature of the respondents. I think being denied (sorry I just couldn’t stop myself, the pun was too easy), the oppurtunity to play out thier fantasies in real life has made them somewhat fanatical on the subject. Basically they’re jealous and angry that this guy is actually getting what they dream about.
    As far as this guy is concerned, I think his problem is that he’s scared that if the longer time frames are too much for him, his girlfriend might decide not to let him go. And then he’d have to go through the humiliation of going to a locksmith. Ther is a way to test her though. Either copy the key there is now, or get a new device with two keys, but don’t let her know abou the second key. Then after he’s started the longer regimen go to her and say it’s too much and he wants out. If she refuses then he knows the score and can move on. If she agrees he can always say I just wanted to know if you would if I needed it. and go on.

  5. Tom Allen says:

    I’m not saying that women don’t enjoy it too, if they didn’t they wouldn’t keep doing it. But what they’re enjoying is controlling the males desire. Without the males desire the whole thing becomes pretty pointless.

    I think that this pretty much nails it. Yes, there are certainly those on the more extreme ends of the BDSM scale for whom it is different, but as a general statement I think that this is very insightful.

    I just want to reiterate, though, that I was not giving an illustration of a lifestyle or experienced BDSM couple. This was a couple who were just starting to play with chastity and denial. IMO, this is the stage at which trust needs to be built, and that is done by negotiation and limit testing – you know, just like in “real” life. My contention is that the “fundies” completely ignore this trust-building phase, although I’m not sure of the reasons.

  6. saratoga says:


    I think the fundamentalists ignore limits because, in their view, there ‘is’ a natural order, irrespective of the persons of a gender. Thus, they don’t acknowledge limits, etc.

    It’s sort of a situation in which they don’t accept, evidently, some basic concepts many others find necessary for a relationship to function with these activities.

  7. Richard says:

    As usual you summarize things exceedingly well.

    I shudder to think of the damage this may possibly have done to inexperienced men and couples as they seek to discover their individual dynamic.

  8. A M says:

    I believe all those fundamentalist doms and subs are most likely attracted to d/s for the wrong reasons.
    Subs with such attitudes are merely looking for sex or mutual fantasy fulfillment directed only by them for their pleasure. It is topping from the bottom. I would wager that such people are single and have been for quite some time, unable to find a real woman to live up to the fantasy.
    Women that proliferate it are merely living up to the male stereotype either for ego purposes or financial ones. I’ve met one or two women like that and most are the product of some abuse, mostly emotional or neglect, and have a vendetta, mostly unrecognized against men.
    They’re a result of this lifestyle only being considered at the base level. Throw in regret, self hatred, past abuse, loneliness and anger and there you go.

  9. roselan says:

    Well, in the femdom world (which I don’t know at all, I’m not a herrr… devot?) there is a strong sense of hierarchy and order. woman > man.

    Religion (christianity) is a lot about hierarchy too. god > man. The analogy is simple.

    Moreover, we all know that men can’t “read” women, as god’s plan!

    I think I hold the scenario for davinci code 2 here. God was a dom-girl ^_^

    ps: Morons are all over the world, that’s why I sometime ride my mouse to other worlds 😉

  10. Great site, I am bookmarking it!Keep it up!
    With the best regards!

  11. Pingback: Male chastity devices - in real life « The Edge of Vanilla

  12. Roadrunner says:

    I wouldn’t consider any long time chasity device locked on me may be an couple of hours or so then it comes off for some good sex. If my partner at any time wanted me to wear it a work or for more than 2-3 hours I would say NO. If that wasn’t acceptable to her Adios and don’t let the door hit you in the Ass

  13. Pingback: Religion and Kink – Part 3 of 4 « Tales of a Domme

  14. Pingback: Kink and religion (III): How do you think your early religious experiences influenced your kink? « Delving into Deviance

  15. Pingback: Discussion time again! « Tales of a Domme

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