If any of my 42 readers have not dropped by the Bitchy Jones’ Diary blog, stop your one-handed typing and click over to there right now. I mean it – I know you’re here to wank to my hot chastity porn, but this is important. I want you – especially you married men who self-identify as “submissive” – to go read about why your wives are not turning into the leather-clad bitch dommes from hell simply because you’ve hung $200 worth of polycarbonate plastic from your wabbly bits.
Bitchy Jones, in one of her latest rants about what doesn’t work for her with regard to female domination, tossed out an off-hand remark that simply hasn’t gotten the attention that it deserves:
You think it might have something to do with the message you keep transmitting about how female domination is all about having relationship with an intentionally sexually repellent and inadequate man? Which isn’t submission, by the way.
Let me tell you what submission really is.
Submission is about being desired. Submission is about being overwhelmed by another person’s sexual desire for you. Yes, you, you sexy fucking submissive bastard.
The implications may not be immediately clear, so let me illustrate this with a story.
A while back, a woman wrote into one of the chastity groups with a concern. Her husband wanted her to be more dominant, and so he locked himself into a CB3000, insisting that he was doing it out of respect for her. After a week or so during which he pampered her, did housework, and gave her backrubs, and did all of those other things befitting a goddess, she unlocked him with the intention of rewarding herself with some hot sex. She tried to tease him with a little oral stimulation, when he pushed her away, explaining that as a submissive, he could no longer enjoy her ministrations. Oral, he went on to explain, is not something that Dommes do to undeserving subs as it is beneath them.
Likewise, he was determined to have her keep him locked away for extended periods of time, all the while maintaining that it was out of respect for her as her new role as a Goddess. He came up with a point system in which he had to earn orgasmic release by doing chores, giving her a certain number of orgasms, and by doing other such things.
Naturally, she was puzzled by this. She wondered if this meant he no longer desired sex; more to the point, she wondered if he was intentionally keeping himself locked away because he no longer desired her. Yes, he called her “Goddess”, but she certainly didn’t feel like one. Her husband, her partner of many years suddenly acted as if he no longer wanted to have sex with her.
What kind of Goddess wants that?
This is an admonishment to those men who have taken on the conversion project of trying to turn a vanilla partner into their dream domme. Your partner for the last 5, 10 or 25 years has been having a relationship with you. After all those years of sometimes hot (or sometimes not) sex, you’re on the verge of changing your relationship with her. You spend some time talking, showing her catalogue items, showing her web pages, and letting her read my stories. You’ve bought the thigh boots from Stormy Leather, the basket of squishy vibrating toys from Blowfish, and the extra-secure handcuffs from the Stockroom, yet your Goddess is still resisting that big breakthrough. You spend a week without an orgasm, and you’re both dripping with arousal, but you think that she doesn’t “get it.”
Listen up, you big doofus: Your partner hasn’t been having a relationship with the squishy vibrating toys, she’s been having a sexual relationship with you! You’ve talked her into trying something kinky; she’s totally hot from making you beg, from seeing your desire. You’ve been attentive and affectionate all week long, and now she wants to be pleasured; yet you tell her that you’re going to deny her the emotional pleasure of being intimate with you?
Who’s in charge here, anyway?
Here’s a clue: Your partner isn’t turned on by those leather and steel handcuffs, she’s turned on because you are aroused with desire for her. Your desire fuels her own, and she wants you. And a Goddess gets to have whatever the hell she wants, right?
Take the hint.
Bitchy Jone’s article focused on the cuckold kink, in which men try to convince their partners about how much happier they – the partner – would be if only they’d have sex with some other men:
Oh and all the stuff where it so blatantly comes from the man and is then presented as the woman’s sexual desire. All that just makes me itch. I mean, you only have to look at the number of toppish women in this thread saying, hell, yeah, what’s in it for me, to see that cuckolding really isn’t about pleasuring your partner. Most women would rather have sex with their partners.
But the same point applies to any other aspect of these conversion projects: most men who profess to be interested in their partner’s pleasure seem to act as if they’re only interested in indulging their own kinks.
And that brings me to another point. It’s this indulgence of one’s own kinks under the guise of being pleasure for her that gives much femdom a bad rep in public. Like it or not, female domination is presented in the mainstream media in pretty much the same way that it’s been done since Leopold von Sacher-Masoch: cruel, detached, manipulative women scorning the affections of the pathetic men who grovel at their feet.
No! No, stop wanking and listen:
If you have, say, a fetish for how sexually repellent and inadequate you are and you want a woman to explain that to you, whilst laughing merrily. Fine. But this isn’t what I want and I don’t want these things representing me. Or being the primary representation of my sexuality out in the wider world. […] It’s the prevailing culture I rail against. The perceptions. What potential dom women see and are repulsed by.
Are you conversion project guys listening? June Cleaver is not going to become a Wicked Wanda, because
a) her conception of a dominatrix is, in many ways, repulsive to her, and,
b) her conception of a submissive even more so.
That is why she has so many times been turned off by your suggestions of leather and riding crops. Your partner wants to think of you as a strong, attractive man – not the “pathetic worm” of the BDSM stereotypes. Ignoring the psychological symbolism of your penis as the pathetic worm, ask yourself this: if your partner is really a Goddess and worthy of your worship, what could possibly induce her to continue a relationship with somebody who professes to be unworthy of her attentions?
And since Google tells me that dozens of you find this place by searching “tom allen’s chastity blog,” let’s end this with yet another pronouncement from Bitchy Jones:
I like chastity. A lot. […] So long as I get to take the thing off and have access whenever I want. That’s the key. So long as I have access I’m happy to take away his. I’m happy to own a man’s cock. I like cock. I don’t like my-useless-penis very much at all, but I can really get into my-useful-penis-that-has-been-locked-up-by-a-horrible-sadist.
Again, Ms. Jones points up something that is often completely overlooked by chastity aficionados – indeed, often by our cultural media displays: women enjoy sex. No, really they do. But they enjoy what they enjoy, and not some ideal that’s been fostered upon them by our culture, and certainly not some ideals that dominate the media of what D/s is all about.