Women don’t make passes…

… at men who wear glasses.

For cryin’ out loud in a bucket – could I possibly be acting more vain?

The advancing years, long hours working with small machined parts, long hours of staring at computer screens, and general decrepitude, and apparently everything else except masturbation have conspired against my eyesight, which, until recently, used to be better than 20/20. Over the past six or eight months, I’ve noticed the fine print getting finer, and the little details becoming fuzzier, and not long ago I realized that just sitting at my desk staring at a blueprint the numbers were fuzzy – but it wasn’t because of the fax machine, it was because of my eyes. Sitting, they looked fuzzy, but when I stood up they were sharp.

So I steeled my reserve, and made the call to the eye doctor.

Sure enough, my close-up vision needed correction. After 49 years of making a spectacle of myself, I now needed spectacles for myself.

The optometrist was conveniently located next door to a well-known eyeglass chain, so I walked over to look at the choices. Never having contemplated wearing glasses in the past, I now was faced with a huge array of possibilities – not unlike being very hungry and stopping at one of those all-night diners with the 17 page menus. Fortunately, I had several hours before they closed. I called Mrs. Edge to meet me, and started narrowing down the field. The poor saleswoman, hoping that a nice conservative gentleman would make quickly make a choice suddenly realized that I was one of those customers from hell. Nope, these are too nerdy. Nope, these are too big. Nope, too faddy. No, too flimsy. No, the lenses are too big. Ugh, do people still wear those big plastic frames? No, the “aviator” look is great for sunglasses, but not for wearing with a suit. No, bright blue or red frames will not make me look younger. . . Well, you get the idea.

By the time that Mrs. Edge arrived, I had narrowed it down to three pairs. One had round lenses, giving me a pronounced “professorial” look. Since some of you already have me pegged with that adjective, I thought they could work for me. Mrs. Edge looked at me for a moment and said “They make you look like an old Harry Potter.”

Okay, scratch the round ones.

The next pair were a nice titanium frame with oval-ish lenses. I looked at myself in the mirror for a good five minutes, feeling rather foolish as I tried to imagine how they would look with a suit. I turned to Mrs. Edge, who by this time had wandered over to the sunglasses. “Yeah, those are okay.” Just okay? “Yeah, okay.” They don’t set off my eyes, make me look cute, dashing, smart, anything? Just okay? “Yeah, just okay.”

Damn.

I suddenly realized what “look” that I was hoping for: You know the stereotype of the staid, conservative librarian, who takes off her glasses as she lets down her hair and becomes sexually alluring? I was trying for the manly version of that. Assuming that there is such a thing.

Yeah, like I said at the beginning: vain.

The last pair were a gun-metal grey with the half-frame design. They actually seemed more comfortable on my face, so I stared in the mirror for another five minutes. It’s a good thing that we were next to the eye doctor because Mrs. Edge had developed a case of uncontrolled eye rolling. “Hey, those are nice.” Really? You’re not just saying that? “No, I like those. Here’s a similar pair; try these on, too.” I swapped back and forth between similar designs, and settled on the ones that I originally had picked.

The saleswoman and Mrs. Edge, both sighing with relief, herded me quickly toward the adjustment counter where another associate took measurements and made adjustments and presented me with the bill, which I could unfortunately read all too well. “It’ll take about two weeks, Mr. A,” she explained. Two weeks? What about your sales pitch that says “glasses in about one hour”? “Oh, yours are a special prescription; you’re getting ‘progressive’ lenses.” I bit my tongue against the obvious joke about the political philosophy of my glasses, and paid the bill.

I have this pet peeve. Why is it that when a business has you fill out forms and asks for the best way to contact you, they invariably call your home phone number and leave a message? I specifically pointed out on the form that they should call my cell phone. After more than two weeks I called them to see when they would be in. Naturally, they had called the other day and left a message on the home machine that I never heard.

Anyway, I went to pick them up this afternoon. A different sales associate was there to fit them to my face. I asked about care, and she told me that it would be no different from my other glasses.

Excuse me, this is my first pair. Ever.

“Really?” she said in amazement. She assumed that pretty much everybody “my age” had been wearing them for some years.

So, we bent and adjusted them until they fit comfortably, and I walked out of the store, turning my head from side to side to get accustomed.

Then I spotted the mirror.

I tried to be nonchalant, but I’m sure they noticed me checking myself out. I just hope I didn’t come off as too conceited. It’s unbecoming for we librarian types, you know.

And yes, you can see me make a spectacle of myself. I’m behind the link.

Spectacle of myself

Edit – Speaking of eyesight, I’ve been reading blogs via Google Reader lately, instead of surfing directly to them, so I missed this particular linkback:

Tom ‘Get back in that field’ Allen
My one and only fully owned hot male slave. Who has redesigned his blog to hurt my eyes

I guess that particular WordPress theme isn’t for everybody, so I went back to one of the older ones. You know, just to make things easier for my owner. Especially since I don’t seem to do much actual toiling out in that field.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Aging, body mod, Disclosure, Health, Humor, Medical. Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Women don’t make passes…

  1. kimba says:

    I must admit Dr. Tom – I forgot I was looking at your glasses.. your eyes are a fabulous colour!

  2. Fusion says:

    Heh heh, I’ve been making those choices for decades Tom, it rarely gets any easier…the last glasses I picked out I’m still not as happy with as the ones before, but it was the best I could find.
    But enjoy making a spectacle of yourself!

  3. robert says:

    It was fun reading about your adventure at the vision store. Wow, you have great eyes to be able to hold out until 49. It was worth it. Now you both read AND look more hardworking, studious and debonaire than ever.

    I went through a very similar experience at our local vision store at around age 44, which is why I enjoyed your experience so much. After spending so much on frames that look good, will survive Armageddon and that have lenses that never fog, I “lucked” upon 8 pair of stylish feather-weight 1.25X readers at a yard sale and bought them all for $16. The owner explained that he had “progressed” to a higher magnification. I keep them all strategically placed around the house.

    I’m trying to decide if that makes me an “eyeglasses slut”.

  4. 2amsomewhere says:

    Oh, yours are a special prescription; you’re getting ‘progressive’ lenses.” I bit my tongue against the obvious joke about the political philosophy of my glasses, and paid the bill.

    Hmmm… Makes me wonder whether libertarian lenses only correct your vision well enough to see what you’re looking at.

    Anyway, I think they look good on you. Not that I would make a pass at you or anything. 😉


    2amsomewhere

  5. bitchyjones says:

    I can’t really tell. Please post a picture of yourself naked except for the glasses and the CB and I will tell you if they are hot or not.

    BJ x

  6. bitchyjones says:

    And I really do like this layout much better. Look how big my lovely icon picture is!

    BJ x

  7. MWK says:

    I think you look super hot in them Tom. I am trying to imagine what you looked like without them, and I can’t. They look like they belong there.

    I hear what you mean about vanity and glasses though, that and the glare is pretty much why I always remove mine for photo shoots, and why they make their appearance in the more candid shots.

    Anyway, I LOVE to read you, thanks for such an entertaining blog.

    MWK

  8. Arafinwe says:

    Glasses? You’re kidding! I don’t see any glasses on you!
    (Fumbles with brail keyboard and knocks over white cane.)
    I once wore glasses. They were full of champagne and were perched on top of my noggin.
    (Reaches down to pat seeing eye dog on head, misses, and puts hand on dog’s rump instead.)
    I just have to ask,…..how well can you see your cage now?

  9. Tom —

    That photo nails the sexy man-librarian look that you’re going for.

    — IS

  10. EuroPosh says:

    good choice.
    don’t feel bad, or vain. every time I get a new pair, I spend at least 1-2 hours in each store I vist. and I only use my glasses for reading/writing, maybe 1-2 hours a day. now, that’s vain!

  11. fswerk says:

    sorry, but i have to say that i don´t like them, too big imho

  12. Fex says:

    “Women don’t make passes at men who wear glasses…”

    Oh, no? I beg to differ. I find a man in smart-guy glasses to be terribly sexy. You may have just opened a whole new door for yourself… 😉

  13. Kate says:

    I’m with Fex…I will go for the smart, funny guy over the pretty one every time…

    Besides…you had me with the limericks…the glasses are just the icing on the cake…

  14. I think the face is one of the primary visual elements of our identity. I don’t think it’s strange that when there is any alteration to the face, or modification to it, that a person would spend a lot of time in front of the mirror re-identifying themselves with the difference.

    ( for that, read: “pssst! I’ve done it too, but shhhhh, don’t tell )

    Lubyanka. 🙂

    ps: I just got a letter from my optician telling me it’s time for an appointment. 😉

    pps: Thanks for blogrolling me. 🙂 Um, what’s “Fauxmissive”?

    *relieved not to be on the Z-List*

    ppps: I vote in favour of you looking hot in those specs. 🙂

    pppps: I vote in favour of Bitchy’s suggestion.

    ppppps: Definitely a better theme now. 🙂

    pppppps: Ok, enough with the postscripts already.

    *puts the comment down and backs away slowly*

  15. Cat says:

    well I think you look sexy with the glasses…in a Mr. Professor sort of way 😉

  16. la fille says:

    In all seriousness… glasses on a man are part of one of my most frequent fantasies — I picture him taking the glasses off slowly in order to kiss me. Pretty goofy and romantic, but when it happens in reality, I melt.

  17. Tom Allen says:

    Luby –
    Sorry, I put you in the wrong category. Apparently I was not wearing my glasses when I was checking the boxes 😉

    lfm – Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about!

    Fex – maybe this could be a different class of HNT?

    Beej – I’m going to consider doing that, especially since I’ve been promising a cage shot for months.

  18. bitchyjones says:

    In that case, I’ll get my own prescription updated in excitable readiness.

    Beej x

  19. darklily says:

    I think the new specs enhance those already beautiful green eyes you have. But I do understand (the vanity and the situation)…a few years back I noticed I was having some problems with my eyes too (same as you…started with above average vision…years of staring at plans and computers). So I went to the optometrist; my vision was ever so slightly less than 20/20…actually not enough for glasses…but since I was having alot of eye strain, he prescribed them to help at times when I would be at the computer for long hours. I think I lost the glasses within 6 months.

    Just for the record…both the DH and L wear glasses. ; ) And I love walking up to the DH when he’s sitting in his chair reading, taking the book from his hands, then the glasses from his eyes and giving him a deep, sultry kiss.

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