And revolution in the air…

… or maybe it’s just something in the water?

Even though I coined the term “fauxdomination” as a joke, the concept itself is serious; women around the blogosphere (and can’t we find a less kludgier word that that, please?) are becoming more conscious of breaking free of the traditional (read: stereotypical) models of women in tight, uncomfortable outfits brandishing whips with tight, uncomfortable faces.

I, of course, have nothing against the outfits, myself, but I’m willing to go along with the spirit of the thing. For now.

But that’s not what I’m here to write about. Goddess knows there are enough women and men writing about this that nobody needs my “me too” cluttering up the bandwidth. No, I’m writing because it seems that there is another breakaway in the kink community that is almost as interesting. Are you ready for this?

Non-subs wearing chastity devices.

I know, boggles the mind, doesn’t it? I mean, why the hell would anyone agree to lock away their genitals – especially men – if they are not of the submissive persuasion?

But wait, it gets better.

Some people, specifically men, who enjoy wearing chastity devices – ready for this? – aren’t the least bit interested in being sissified, feminized, cross-dressing cuckolds!

I know, I know. What is the world coming to, when chastity device and orgasm denial enthusiasts act just like regular, old vanilla folk?

Yes, of course there’s a backstory to this. A few weeks ago the Yahoo group CB-3000 (which is probably the best run chastity group out of the two dozen or so Yahoo groups devoted to the subject) had a series of posts by men who were concerned with what they saw as the co-opting of chastity play by men who expressed desires to be “sissified“, turned into ladies maids. Further, some men didn’t appreciate the growing stereotype that male chastity is being equated to a desire to have one’s partner go off to have sex with other men.

This led to a particularly long thread in which a number of people “delurked” to express their views, and frankly, I was rather proud of the manner in which this did not devolve into a flame war. Message boards being noted for the tendency to have several heated flame wars running simultaneously, most of the members managed to voice opinions without becoming too insulting or too unintelligible. Among the more interesting comments was this by a more dominant oriented wearer:

How does a woman hold a key, tease or deny, and yet enjoy his strength? Where can she discuss chastity from an erotic standpoint without have to wade through endless articles by gyno-supremacists, scowling femdoms, and others of that ilk? Oh, and does this sound like stereotyping? You bet, and it’s a stereotype that exists for a reason. Two words: Elise Sutton (among a zillion others).

Wow, shades of Bitchy Jones and the rest of the Fauxdoministas.

It was also good to see several women weighing in with similar opinions on the chastity/submissiveness concept. One particularly insightful woman wrote, in part:

Within our love, he willing and voluntarily embraces the cage surrounding his manhood and I equally embrace all the romantic, sensual, sexual and spiritual delights his chastity fosters. For us, chastity is not about controlling or punishing my husband, but rather as a means to keep his focus on me alone, be attentive to my desires and preserve his energy for the ultimate and always explosive release in our mutual bliss. And, as an aside to other comments in this thread, when we join in oneness, he comes to me as a man and I welcome his manly splendor with all of my womanhood.

Further on, in words I wished I could have used myself, she cautions the men who live wild, fantasy lives – but only in their own minds – with a suggestion of employing patience and perception:

It really is a matter of perception. The lock still clicks close, your manhood is secured from your selfish pleasures, but you travel together toward mutual fun, mutual desires and mutual passions. Rather than becoming a humble, worthless slave, align your chastity desires with the desires of your keyholder. Become a famous artist/writer whose creativity only flows when you are locked by your loving agent, a knight in shining armor off to slay a dragon (or paint the guest room) for your fair maiden, a trainer at the health spa safely secured from temptation of the beautiful patron he lovingly massages or the star player who can only score when kept horny by the teasing cheerleader.

This, really, is much closer to the relationship that I have with Mrs. Edge. We acknowledge the interplay of control – she enjoys having it, and I enjoy giving it up. But there’s no punishment involved; she doesn’t take off points or give me “extra days” when I leave the toilet seat up or forget to pick up milk on the way home, and I don’t get “early” or “extra” releases if I send her flowers or wash her car. She doesn’t want me sharing her Victoria’s Secret lingerie. And she doesn’t want me to shave my body hair to look more feminine; me being of a hirsute nature we probably couldn’t afford the razor blades anyway. And she certainly doesn’t want me to prattle on about my useless penis; Mrs. Edge happens to enjoy my penis, and she doesn’t see any paradox in both wanting to enjoy using it, and wanting to keep me from using it.

The more salient point, though, is that orgasm denial is play, and chastity devices simply enhance that play, much in the way that those nice double-wrapped leather manacles enhance bondage play. The desire to have some fun – sexual, sensual, or otherwise, in the context of giving up some control, is based in the excitement of risk, and the desire to test one’s self against those control factors. You may not have control over when the lock is coming off, but you do have control over how you’re going to react to it. It’s the reaction to the situation that causes the feelings of exhilaration. Nothing inherently domish or subish – or even kinky – about that.


About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in CB3000, chastity, D/s, Dominance, femdom, FLR, LFA, male chastity, Manliness, orgasm control, orgasm denial, Sexual & Sensual, Submission, Vanilla Sex. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to And revolution in the air…

  1. maymay says:


    God, this is so fucking long overdue I am practically pissed off that it just happened now.

    Thanks for bringing this wonderful thread from the Yahoo! group to light!


  2. nigel says:


    one of your best posts ever. Thank you so much.


  3. Tom Allen says:

    Congratulations, Nigel! You have posted the 1,000th comment on The Edge of Vanilla.
    Yes, I know that spammers tried to post about 7,500 other comments, but they don’t count ‘cos they’ve been relegated to the trash bin.

    What’s that? A prize? Er, yes, yes, of course you should win a prize. In fact, I have a prize just picked out for you. In fact, here’s a picture of it. It’s parked at Suzy’s place.


  4. Tom Allen says:

    Hey there, May.
    What’s overdue is for someone to recognize that OD is a rather innocuous kink, and that it can simply be played up for fun, instead of as some kind of reward or punishment scene.

    But I did find it heartening to see that some people – both men and women, dom and sub alike – echoed some of Bitchy’s rants about the stereotyping of BDSM. Sometimes you think it’s just our little corner of the world that makes sense, and it’s great to see those sentiments expressed elsewhere.


  5. Susan says:


    Fauxdom is a joke?


  6. Tom Allen says:

    Fauxdom is a joke?

    No, just the term. The concept, however, is as real as the Hogfather or the Soul Cake Duck.


  7. Patty says:

    Your comment about Victoria’s Secret was perfect. I don’t find anything sexy about my husband in my underwear (not to mention he would stretch it out and ruin it!). The femdom forum I have joined makes me feel unworthy of “dommehood” because of this. I have always felt that if you take sex too seriously it isn’t fun anymore, and it is nice to see others feel the same way.


  8. Pingback: Orgasm Denialis Play : Femdom Blogs

  9. Garry says:

    Tom… Every time I get a minute to roam over to your site, I find a refreshing enlightenment that makes my day. This is exactly the path I would love to explore and level of intimacy I crave to share. Once again… THANKS!

    Oh, and by the way, I think that is a Colorado plate on that car… 😉


  10. Lolly says:

    Most excellent post!


  11. What a well written and thoughtful post Tom.
    It Helped me understand the lifestyle you, and others have chose, and gave me a better appreciation of it.


  12. art says:

    Interesting post, indeed. Not sure if I completely grasp the concept of “fauxdomination” and I’m no longer very interested in “femdom” as a whole.

    But the whole grotesque “cuckold” thing always made me ask ” What the heck does that have to do with female domination?”. As did the entire cross-dressing and assuming a Woman’s role thing.

    Chastity, by contrast, is something I always understood. In and of itself or in combination with other things. But not when the REAL core desire is the MALE “submissive’s” interest is watching some thug fuck his wife. Or HIS desire to act like, dress like, or BECOME some 1950s image of Womanhood.


  13. sandman9355 says:

    I’d like to add my voice to those expressing their thanks for posts like this.

    I love my beloved one, and I’m happy to say that she loves me. The T&D “games” we play are something to enhance our sex life, not to humiliate me or train me or the like. And a reminder that we are not alone is always like a breath of fresh air.

    I think that most women want a man who is, well, manly. A guy who can pick up a stick and drive away a big bad wolf, if the need be. Or hold them in his arms when they feel like crying. Or take the kids for a few days out in the wild (and drive them back unharmed). Or help their mother paint a fence. Or whatever.

    A man, you know.

    Somebody they’d *love* and *respect*, not somebody disgusting and pathetic.

    I can understand a woman denying a man she loves because they *both* enjoy the things T&D games offer. Some people might find the idea a strange one, especially if they don’t bother to think it through, but it certainly can make both partners happier. I can go a month without an orgasm and feel *loved*, because orgasms are not the only thing a relationship is built on.

    But is *is* difficult to picture a woman wanting to spend her life with a man she finds inferior, unworthy, disgusting… Why bother with him? Wouldn’t she do better to look for a man she might desire?

    So I’m always happy when I see that there are so many people out there who embrace the Light side of the Force… Erm… of T&D 🙂

    And let me tell you that I’m slowly but steadily becoming more and more tired of most T&D-oriented online forums (also angrier, because I don’t give up that easily).

    All those @#^#$s and %*@##%&%$s who spout gibberish about female supremacy, cuckolding, men being pigs… All that fantasy crap that makes no sense and lacks any connection to reality.

    I *loathe* them for constantly trying to turn a sexy game into a demented perversion.

    I have to fight my desire to wish them that their mad rantings become their reality, and I dislike them for putting me into position where I, the good guy, can’t, being too good, wish them the punishment the ask for…


  14. Cat says:

    Hmm I don’t really know what to add but I couldn’t help but feel the dissertation beginning when I read this post. It is right on and appreciated btw. But I keep wondering when sex in all of it’s different facets became so complicated. When it became necessary to add rules or judge the rules added? Why we can’t all just discover and enjoy whatever suits our own fancies without attaching so much work to it? It’s good to know that there are some who are just having fun and have not forgotten that is what it should be about.


  15. kimba says:

    It took me a while to get to this prof. But it is truly a good post.

    I must admit that cuckolding really is curious to me. I admire people that make it work for themselves.. but that is the queerest of kinks in my mind. Not that I am going to spout any well researched opinion.. just thinking out loud..


  16. Pingback: Hair today… | First World BDSM Problems

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