Hair today…

Okay, partly as a result of the anonymous comments about my piercing and buff pics, I’m about I’m about to go all bitchyjones on some of you people.

But first, I’m going to get esoteric for a moment.

Symbols are important to us because they help to transmit ideas in a language that’s easy to understand. Assuming, of course, that we’re all in agreement of what those symbols actually mean. Some symbols have agreement simply because they have been in use for so long: a red octagon, or a red circle with a diagonal line through it are obvious examples. Clothing can express ideas in symbolic terms; when you see a movie with women dressed in short, tight skirts that are fifteen years out of fashion, you understand that the director means for them to be prostitutes – and let’s not forget that we see such visuals in “the red light district” of a city.

Other symbols might be short, bobbed haircuts on middle-aged women that scream “soccer mom” (or in my neighborhood, “midget football mom”). Men at the beach wearing skimpy Speedos are assumed to be either foreign or gay. When I see people in their mid-20s wearing collars, I wonder if they are sporting the conventional symbol of ownership. And I’m often reminded of the old Dave Berg cartoon in Mad Magazine in which he compared the “uniform” of ROTC students with the “uniform” of the campus hippies.

But sometimes we ascribe far too much to symbols; there are no “inherent” meanings in any of them, merely the ones that we ascribe to them by common use or convention. Sometimes our assumptions say more about us than it does about the symbol.

For those who noticed my piercing pictures, yes, I shave. That is, I shave my genital area.

I’ve been shaving that area for the past 30 years, more or less – about the same time that I started receiving regular oral sex. It’s comfortable for me, and it’s convenient for my partner. I happen to like the smooth feel, and since I often go “commando” during the warmer weather, it keeps hair from getting caught in buttons and zippers. And when I began wearing a chastity device regularly, shaving became necessary to prevent the little gasps! during the day as a few stray hairs would snag and pull. And Mrs. Edge happens to like the feel of it.

Shaving. Comfort and convenience. It’s that simple.

Shaving is not an inherently submissive act, nor does it have anything to do with distinguishing submissive males.

Yes, I did have a reason for bringing this up, thank you for asking. Just as I mentioned a little while ago there was a discussion on one of the groups about the concept of domination & submission vis a vis chastity and orgasm denial, I’ve also had the dubious pleasure of having to defend the practice of genital shaving from those who would seek to ascribe to it some kind of mark of submission or ownership. Some of the reasoning for doing so in these groups defies my understanding. One of the more egregious examples was a person who claimed that genital shaving “reduced a person to his pre-pubescent state,” which was especially fitting because, being locked in a chastity device rendered one’s genitals useless, just as they were before puberty.

How’s that again? Shaving is supposed to remind me of my submissive status because everybody knows that subs or slaves don’t get to have sex with their partners/owners.

Beej? Did you get all that?

I’m irritated because this is yet one more example of a small group in the already-small fetish sub-culture co-opting yet one more thing to make the rest of us look like out-of-control juveniles who can barely think with our dicks. I’m so tired of reading about the feminized, sissy subs who are forced to shave and wear frilly panties to show their submissive status while some big, hairy stud has sex with their wives – not that I want to read them, mind you, but lately it seems that they’ve taken over the chastity and orgasm denial groups.

And while I’m on a rant here, I just spotted a conversation in which a woman was asking for advice about having her husband (who is in a chastity device) become more adept at using a strap-on to give her pleasure. Somebody who must not actually have ever had a relationship put in his two cents: “You should cuckold him with another man or a male slave.”

How the hell does anyone miss the point that widely and still manage to feed themselves on a daily basis?

Look, all I want to do is make my cock and balls feel smooth, without anyone ascribing some kind of significance to it. I want to wear a chastity device simply because Mrs. Edge and I find it arousing, and not because either of us have any desire to bring more people into our relationship, let alone in order to make me feel humiliated or unworthy.




I really didn’t mean to get all bitchyjones about this, but sometimes you’ve just got to let it out.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Appearance, BDSM, Body Image, body mod, CB3000, chastity, D/s, Disclosure, male chastity, Manliness, sexuality, Submission. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Hair today…

  1. Eileen says:

    Let it out, Tom. Rants are often more productive than sane conversations :).

    Also, bitchyjones is now a part of speech? Hi-la-rious.


  2. Cat says:

    Umm yeah what you said…I shave too but then I am a submissive. But I would shave if I didn’t classify myself as one. And besides isn’t to shave or not to shave about choice not labels? But rant on Tom it’s great reading.


  3. Fusion says:

    It amazes me what someone will read into a simple choice. I like to “trim”, not clearcut. Wonder what THAT means… Someone else is the same way, because I like it that way.
    Rant on Tom, it’s your blog. Whip these naysayers into submission.


  4. Tom Allen says:

    Interestingly, I must be one of the only 23 guys on the East Coast who don’t care if a woman shaves. Seriously. Grow it, shave it, it’s just friggin’ hair to me. I’ve had several partners who never shaved at all – anywhere, for any reason. That certainly didn’t make them dominant.

    Hmm. Now that I think about it, it was probably the leather bustier, the thigh boots and the strap-on that made them dominant – right Beej?

    Sometimes I’d help give them a trim, just because it’s more convenient. I found that a beard trimmer with an adjustable head was the best thing.


  5. Patty says:

    Thank you so much for writing this blog. I assume I was the woman you mentioned, and I was shocked when I got the advice to cuckhold my husband. I love that we are monogamous, and while it is a turn on to think of other people, we would never jeopardize our relationship as spouses, and more importantly parents, by inviting someone else into our bedroom.


  6. sexywhispers says:


    “How the hell does anyone miss the point that widely and still manage to feed themselves on a daily basis?”–very nice!

    That is an odd reaction you received. I posted a blog last week about men shaving their male areas and the women in my group loved that someone had finally said it. The Marine has been doing it for years now…I love it and so does he….although it seems that most women I spoke with had trouble suggesting to their men that they shave. However, when they made the suggestion (and I suggested participation the first time–like a couple event)…the men loved the effect and so did the women.~~Dee


  7. Sierra says:

    Men who shave their crotches are all submissive?

    If only it was that simple.

    Really, if that was the way to tell who was submissive couldn’t you see the next party you went to? You could just save yourself time and line all the men up and tell them to drop their pants and then find out who was sub and who was not.

    That statement is almost like how some men will say that women with short haircuts are lesbians.

    So not true!


  8. Steve says:

    Go get Tom. Anyone who thinks that shaved automatically equals submissive is out of touch. It’s about what my wife wants. I’ve offered to shave on more than one occaision and she’s consistently said no, it make me look like a 10 yo. and that is not a turn on for her.


  9. Tom Allen says:

    Patty – That is not the first time I’ve seen a similar response to a similar question. And look, I’m okay with the cuckold hotwife thing… for other people. But I do understand that many people who stumble across these groups do so because they’re looking for answers, help, advice, or support. For some years now I’ve tried very hard to present easy to understand, objective advice to newbies because I understand how easily they can get discouraged. Responses like “Just get sex from somebody else” aren’t particularly helpful, and some people are put off and move on – being left with the impression that kinksters are a bunch of jerks.

    BTW, thanks for stopping by – I hope you become a regular. Feel free to ask if you have any other questions.

    Dee & Steve – this is an example of “no accounting for tastes.” I don’t shave everything, just an inch or two above the base of my penis. But then, I’m a bit hairy, and it would look funny if I shaved much more. Guys who aren’t as hirsute might well look like youngsters, or they might look more sleek – depending on your preference.

    Interestingly, I don’t care for women who shave their entire pubes. A nice trim, yes, but completely shaved looks… odd or something. But that’s me.

    MOH – nice to see you. Sorry you had to see me ranting like that. I had to let off steam before I got really pissed off.

    Sierra – women with short hair? Why that would mean that 3/4 of the PTA in my town are dykes. I wonder if their husbands know?


  10. topfromthetop says:

    I’ve always found the whole shaved=submissive thing strange too. It’s ubiquitous in femdom lit though. Actually, it tends to appear whenever humiliation is a strong theme. I’ve never understood this link between shaved pubes and humiliation.
    The most macho-alpha guy I have ever been with was also the one most dedicated to shaving, and that had nothing to do with humiliation, and everything to do with him being rather proud of his cock and balls – it was a way for him to show off his package to its best advantage.


  11. Z says:

    Gah! Who ARE these people?? Shaving makes oral sex more fun. It feels good. Why the hell does there have to be all this discussion about it? If people don’t want to shave, then they shouldn’t, but they certainly should just shut up about it without having to label everyone who does.

    As for the pre-pubescent rubbish… look at the person you’re fucking, people! If they look prepubescent then maybe you have more problems than their shaving choices.

    Ahem. Apparently I needed to let that out, and not for the first time.


  12. Tom Allen says:

    Top – So much of this is simply ridiculous. Could it be that we equate “manliness” with “hairiness” and shaving your pubes robs a man of machismo? *shrug* If that is the game that you want to play with your partners, then fine. But why do so many people need to make such assumptions? As I said – I’ve been shaving or trimming since I was maybe 20, and I started because I happened to like the smoothness, and it made oral sex more pleasant for my gf at the time.

    Z – Who are are they? Apparently they’re the same people who made it so that submissive men must wear frilly clothes and act swishy, submissive women must wear french maid uniforms, dom men must wear harnesses and blak jeans, and dom women must wear strap-ons and leather corsets.

    Of course, that last one is just fine with me. Sorry, Beej.

    I have never really understood the shaving thing, even on the vanilla side. Some of my guy friends think that a woman who shaves her pubes is the best thing since microwave pizza. Personally, I think they’re juvenile, but we’re all allowed to have our opinions.


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  14. bitchyjones says:

    I am an adjective!

    I never noticed you shaved, Tom. I never notice if a guy has pubic hair or not – if my eyes are in that area I am too busy looking at his cock.

    Ask me if Pan or Jack shave, or any of my exes had pubic hair. I swear I have no idea.


  15. Tom Allen says:

    Beej, how could you not notice if a guy shaves? I mean, doesn’t the lack of hair sort of stand out? Or rather, make the rest of the equipment stand out?


  16. bitchyjones says:

    I don’t know. Just not something I pay attention to. I looked at your pics – I never noticed the shaving thing until this post.

    I’m all or nothing. With me it’s obsession or total uninterest. Pubic hair is something I’m not interested in.


  17. Tom Allen says:

    I looked at your pics

    You peeked?! I’m shocked!

    Actually, Mrs. Edge – who rarely reads my blog – just visited my pages yesterday. She didn’t say much, but I know that she spent some time looking at the pictures. Go figure.


  18. Alexis says:


    I can see you have plenty of support. But I’m going to bite anyway.

    I, too, shave. I do this because my Mistress likes it. I don’t, particularly. I shave the area every two weeks, like clockwork, and for the three or four days following (right at the moment, in fact), the area itches like sin. This itch distracts me in public (when I can’t scratch), and I am glad when it starts to slack off (which it will do tomorrow). And this is after shaving this area continually for four years. Maybe its just me, eh?

    I wouldn’t do it except that its a symbol of MY submission. And I suspect that for tens of thousands of other sensitive-skinned and briar-haired men, it is a symbol of their submission also.

    Perhaps this is the basis of a commonly held symbolism, however it might personally piss you off.

    I don’t really understand why these particular infatuations bother you people (you lovely, gentle-souled people). Why is it so important that they pay lip service to the exception that is you? I wouldn’t expect you to pay lip service to this comment.

    I would, in fact, request an absence of lip service. Make a real point if you want to.


  19. Tom Allen says:

    yalexis – I’m not sure why you don’t’ shave every day, or every other day. Personally, I find that three or four days after shaving is itchy, so I shave every other day. At least.

    That said, if shaving is a symbol of your submission, then that’s great. I’m glad it’s working for you, and I’d bet that all the other lovely people ’round these parts do as well.

    What you’re seeing, I suspect, is a reaction – call it a “backlash” – against “commonly held symbolisms”. There are an awful lot of cultural memes in the BDSM world, especially in the online world, which, for whatever reason, seems to have taken much of the Gorean ideals to heart. My complaint isn’t against shaving, per se, as I’m sure you’ve understood – it’s about the concept of shaving as a symbol of submissiveness.

    Bitchy Jojes has made a cottage industry in the last year of ranting against many of the stereotypes that she believes – rightly or not – actually turn people (mainly other women) off from the concept of femdommery. I’m sort of doing the same thing – not that anyone can match Beej for rantability – from the other end. I’m frustrated that some kink activities seem to be over-run by people who are assigning new cultural memes to those behaviors, and how it risks turning off many people who – living at the edge of vanilla – are likely to be turned off to those ideas.

    I know, I know – if they cant handle the heat, they should get out of the kinky kitchen, right? Sure, I sort of agree. But I would also like to see more acceptance of WIITWD among the vanilla crowd, and I don’t see that happening until we make more of an effort to remind people that certain things – shaving, for example – aren’t necessarily representative of the whole sub-culture.


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