Okay, fasten your seat belts, because I feel a rant coming on.
The Edge of Vanilla gets a lot of hits from people searching on male chastity and orgasm denial. Those kinks overlap with others, among which are: BDSM, transvestism, tease & denial, female domination, D/s, and cuckolding.
Personally, I don’t understand the attraction of wanting to be considered useless and impotent as a lover, much less the desire to have your wife/partner seek out sex with other men while you wait for the details (or not). Swinging, I understand. Cuckolding? I don’t get it. One of Bitchy’s bestest posts ever covered that quite well:
“you only have to look at the number of toppish women in this thread saying, hell, yeah, what’s in it for me, to see that cuckolding really isn’t about pleasuring your partner. Most women would rather have sex with their partners.”
But so what? I know that we’re all supposed to be understanding and accepting of each other’s kinks and fetishes and all that; and certainly I have some kinks that other people would consider to be odd. There’s no doubt in my mind that consenting adults should be free to do whatever they want.
But what is it that we call “consent”? Most of the people stumbling across this blog are familiar with the term SSC – Safe, Sane and Consensual. Alternately, some other people use the term RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
Note that there’s “consent” in both terms, isn’t there?
I started off this blog blasting some of the people in the Chastity & OD community who probably don’t even have partners, but will be the first to explain to women how things are supposed to be in a Male Chastity relationship. It’s not that what Mrs. Edge and I do is the “right” way, but at least we communicate about it and negotiate. Mutual understanding and agreement (or compromise) is an essential part of “consent.” Telling your partner “Here’s the key to my device, and here’s a list of how you’ve got to handle this,” doesn’t strike me as being very consensual, or indeed, much fun. Unless you happen to like following a list, I guess.
During the week, I often read blogs that are not listed on my blogroll, but that I have listed in my Google reader for one reason or another. Because I have a lot of overlap with the Femdom and FLR (Female Led Relationship) communities, I try to stay current with the blogs in those communities. Recently, I ran across one, on which the latest post left me astounded.
It started off typical to many blogs and forum posts in which men in extant or erstwhile FLRs wax about whatever enjoyment they’re getting, and then pine because their wife isn’t moving along quickly enough – often with the complaint that they’re not being cuckolded.
When my Wife decided that i was going to be put on a strict chastity schedule, She also struggled with the fact that i wasn’t going to be able to last long enough to please Her in bed. i was ok with the fact that i was going to be denied something that i didn’t feel worthy of doing anyway, but i also sympathized with Her and wanted to give Her what She wanted as well. About two years ago, i begged with Her to let me have more orgasms so i could give Her what She needed, and She caved. i was back to being able to give Her the good fucking that She loved. i wasn’t sure if She would ever cuckold me, but i knew that She wasn’t going to cuckold me if i was giving Her what She needed.These small periods of me getting ample release and having good sex with Her happened off and on up until the middle of last year. Don’t get me wrong, for the majority of the time i was denied and kept very frustrated. But these periods did take place and therefore my Wife was satisfied every so often.
Admittedly, I do enjoy reading about how people adjust to using chastity and OD in their relationships. So far, it seemed that this couple was doing just fine. Notice the “proper” use of C/capitalization, even. But read on…
So since the middle of last year, i have been kept on a strict chastity schedule with no added releases. i have offered no penile sexual pleasure to my Wife because on average i am lasting ten seconds during intercourse. i have told myself that i will not beg for extra orgasms to lengthen my stamina. Perhaps this is selfish on my part, but i think She will be more likely to cuckold me if i’m no good in bed. (italics mine)
“Selfish” on his part? Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! Somebody is getting a Very Bad Idea.
However, the unintended consequence of this is that my Wife has wanted less sex of any type. She has been in the mood far less, maybe because She knows i’m not going to please Her. She hasn’t even wanted much oral compared to years past. It’s like She’s telling me ‘Fine, you want to be inadequate in bed, i don’t need sex anyway.’
Okay, so far we’ve got a guy who’s been locked up for a couple of years, but who’s wife enjoys letting the tiger out of the cage and taking a ride (can I possibly mis any more metaphors here?) We’ve got a couple in a relationship that so far seems mostly consensual, but who are experiencing some issues right now. Lack of intimacy, disagreement on desires, perhaps mismatched libidos all come to mind.
It struck me as odd that he would mention the cuckolding, until I read the last paragraph.
i still think that if i can hold out and not give into the temptations of breaking my chastity vows, She may eventually take Her casual flirting with cute guys even further. But at this point, it seems like we have got one hell of a game of chicken going on.
This is where I lost it. I had my own bitchyjones moment in the comment section on his blog, and apparently it wasn’t enough because I’m still carrying around the aggravation. Or maybe I’m just stunned.
Here is a person who is intentionally trying to be bad at lovemaking in order to manipulate his wife into having sex with other men, thereby fulfilling his own fantasies.
Did I entirely misunderstand this? Could somebody be that self-centered and juvenile?
This is wrong on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. This isn’t just non-consent, this is wrong on an ethical level. And more, this is a person who claims to be a proponent of Female Led Relationships. Do you see the “Female Led” part in any of this? Hell, at this point, I fail to even see the “Relationship.”
As I read through that blog, I got the sense that his wife was doing fairly well for a vanilla woman who was being asked to change her lifestyle, and seemed happy to engage in a little kinky sex play. I did not, though, get the impression that she would seriously consider cuckolding him, which is why this “game of chicken” smacks of the worst kind of manipulation. Unfortunately, this is just one more example of how far some men will go in pursuit of their own sexual kinks, and frankly, I’m amazed that more men don’t get called out on this kind of manipulation.
I really don’t think much of a “community” which finds this kind of behavior acceptable.