The Puerile Cuckoo

Okay, fasten your seat belts, because I feel a rant coming on.

The Edge of Vanilla gets a lot of hits from people searching on male chastity and orgasm denial. Those kinks overlap with others, among which are: BDSM, transvestism, tease & denial, female domination, D/s, and cuckolding.

Personally, I don’t understand the attraction of wanting to be considered useless and impotent as a lover, much less the desire to have your wife/partner seek out sex with other men while you wait for the details (or not). Swinging, I understand. Cuckolding? I don’t get it. One of Bitchy’s bestest posts ever covered that quite well:

you only have to look at the number of toppish women in this thread saying, hell, yeah, what’s in it for me, to see that cuckolding really isn’t about pleasuring your partner. Most women would rather have sex with their partners.”

But so what? I know that we’re all supposed to be understanding and accepting of each other’s kinks and fetishes and all that; and certainly I have some kinks that other people would consider to be odd. There’s no doubt in my mind that consenting adults should be free to do whatever they want.

But what is it that we call “consent”? Most of the people stumbling across this blog are familiar with the term SSC – Safe, Sane and Consensual. Alternately, some other people use the term RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Note that there’s “consent” in both terms, isn’t there?

I started off this blog blasting some of the people in the Chastity & OD community who probably don’t even have partners, but will be the first to explain to women how things are supposed to be in a Male Chastity relationship. It’s not that what Mrs. Edge and I do is the “right” way, but at least we communicate about it and negotiate. Mutual understanding and agreement (or compromise) is an essential part of “consent.” Telling your partner “Here’s the key to my device, and here’s a list of how you’ve got to handle this,” doesn’t strike me as being very consensual, or indeed, much fun. Unless you happen to like following a list, I guess.

During the week, I often read blogs that are not listed on my blogroll, but that I have listed in my Google reader for one reason or another. Because I have a lot of overlap with the Femdom and FLR (Female Led Relationship) communities, I try to stay current with the blogs in those communities. Recently, I ran across one, on which the latest post left me astounded.

It started off typical to many blogs and forum posts in which men in extant or erstwhile FLRs wax about whatever enjoyment they’re getting, and then pine because their wife isn’t moving along quickly enough – often with the complaint that they’re not being cuckolded.

When my Wife decided that i was going to be put on a strict chastity schedule, She also struggled with the fact that i wasn’t going to be able to last long enough to please Her in bed. i was ok with the fact that i was going to be denied something that i didn’t feel worthy of doing anyway, but i also sympathized with Her and wanted to give Her what She wanted as well. About two years ago, i begged with Her to let me have more orgasms so i could give Her what She needed, and She caved. i was back to being able to give Her the good fucking that She loved. i wasn’t sure if She would ever cuckold me, but i knew that She wasn’t going to cuckold me if i was giving Her what She needed.These small periods of me getting ample release and having good sex with Her happened off and on up until the middle of last year. Don’t get me wrong, for the majority of the time i was denied and kept very frustrated. But these periods did take place and therefore my Wife was satisfied every so often.

Admittedly, I do enjoy reading about how people adjust to using chastity and OD in their relationships. So far, it seemed that this couple was doing just fine. Notice the “proper” use of C/capitalization, even. But read on…

So since the middle of last year, i have been kept on a strict chastity schedule with no added releases. i have offered no penile sexual pleasure to my Wife because on average i am lasting ten seconds during intercourse. i have told myself that i will not beg for extra orgasms to lengthen my stamina. Perhaps this is selfish on my part, but i think She will be more likely to cuckold me if i’m no good in bed. (italics mine)

Selfish” on his part? Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! Somebody is getting a Very Bad Idea.

However, the unintended consequence of this is that my Wife has wanted less sex of any type. She has been in the mood far less, maybe because She knows i’m not going to please Her. She hasn’t even wanted much oral compared to years past. It’s like She’s telling me ‘Fine, you want to be inadequate in bed, i don’t need sex anyway.’

Okay, so far we’ve got a guy who’s been locked up for a couple of years, but who’s wife enjoys letting the tiger out of the cage and taking a ride (can I possibly mis any more metaphors here?) We’ve got a couple in a relationship that so far seems mostly consensual, but who are experiencing some issues right now. Lack of intimacy, disagreement on desires, perhaps mismatched libidos all come to mind.

It struck me as odd that he would mention the cuckolding, until I read the last paragraph.

i still think that if i can hold out and not give into the temptations of breaking my chastity vows, She may eventually take Her casual flirting with cute guys even further. But at this point, it seems like we have got one hell of a game of chicken going on.

This is where I lost it. I had my own bitchyjones moment in the comment section on his blog, and apparently it wasn’t enough because I’m still carrying around the aggravation. Or maybe I’m just stunned.

Here is a person who is intentionally trying to be bad at lovemaking in order to manipulate his wife into having sex with other men, thereby fulfilling his own fantasies.

Did I entirely misunderstand this? Could somebody be that self-centered and juvenile?

This is wrong on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. This isn’t just non-consent, this is wrong on an ethical level. And more, this is a person who claims to be a proponent of Female Led Relationships. Do you see the “Female Led” part in any of this? Hell, at this point, I fail to even see the “Relationship.”

As I read through that blog, I got the sense that his wife was doing fairly well for a vanilla woman who was being asked to change her lifestyle, and seemed happy to engage in a little kinky sex play. I did not, though, get the impression that she would seriously consider cuckolding him, which is why this “game of chicken” smacks of the worst kind of manipulation. Unfortunately, this is just one more example of how far some men will go in pursuit of their own sexual kinks, and frankly, I’m amazed that more men don’t get called out on this kind of manipulation.

I really don’t think much of a “community” which finds this kind of behavior acceptable.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in CB2000, CB3000, CB6000, chastity, Chastity & Orgasm Denial, Communication, Female Led Relationships, intimacy, kink, male chastity, Marriage & Relationships, orgasm denial, relationships, Sexuality & Relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to The Puerile Cuckoo

  1. Fuse says:

    I agree with you here Tom, this guy is nuts, and will probably end up destroying his marriage, And then blame it on her to boot. Idiot…


  2. Tom Allen says:

    Fuse – He just commented back, and didn’t appreciate my “holier than thou” attitude – as if I had criticized his blog color scheme instead of his manipulative behavior.

    He’s insisting that he needs to be kept chaste in order to be more attentive to his wife. See, it’s not his fault that he needs his wife to cuckold him – he simply can’t be attentive unless he’s denied orgasm. You know how guys are, right?

    This is why I keep insisting – if you think you need a $180 hunk of plastic locked to your cock to make you a better partner, then maybe you’re better off spending that money on counseling.


  3. Songs says:

    Just to clarify, I saw you in Undertheboot, which is how *I* found you. No male orgasm denial here ;]
    Butyeah. That’s just craziness, and sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I mean, whats the point in it? (Though others might judge MY relationship as totally unhealthy, so who am I to throw stones :P)
    10 Seconds..*Shudder*


  4. Kate says:

    The sad thing is, he’s not the only one…wading through a morass of these creatures trying to find an honest to god human being to have a relationship with is very disheartening. They are all about the kinks, ‘their kinks’ and the very idea of a relationship is foreign to them…and yet they wail”there are no Dom women”…



  5. Patty says:

    We had talked about this before when someone on the Yahoo group suggested I cuckhold my husband. Cuckholding is not a kink of ours and not something I understand. Shame on this wife for wanting to uphold her marriage vows.

    Being bad in bed to get you wife to look elsewhere? I have never heard of that one. And I didn’t catch him saying that he had told his wife about his desires. I can’t stand it when people aren’t upfront about things. I need to go find this blog.


  6. roo-roo says:

    This guy is a manipulative ass. How about, you know, actually *talking* with her? And maybe get a strap-on if he can’t last that long.

    I agree as well that if he can’t bring himself to be a decent human being without being locked up, then he’s got major problems.


  7. Luka says:

    This kind of thing makes me so sad, not least because it is not as uncommon as one would hope. This is not the only blogger to use passive aggression to push his wife into a situation not of her choosing.


  8. bitchyjones says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…

    A selfish submissive man? You know, I think I may have dated him once…

    But really, yeah, it’s a jungle out there. A jungle of dumb idiocy and the dumbest idiots are the ones who think that being dominant is something a woman can be tricked into.


  9. Ms. Rika says:

    “Could somebody be that self-centered and juvenile?

    Tom, this is the ‘do me when I’m helpless’ submissive at his best. This is the same self-centered sub-centric attitude I sound off about all the time – just with the cuckold twist.

    The relationship aspect is lacking…the foundation is sorely cracked. No amount of fantasy play (especially the way he is going at it) is going to compensate for that.

    If her libido is dropping it’s because she’s unhappy. Most likely unhappy with the way THEIR sex life is going…and I wouldn’t doubt it if she blames herself quietly.

    All in all, this is a sad commentary.

    – Rika.


  10. Tom Allen says:

    Patty – That incident still rankles me. I dont’ know why.

    Roo – The strap-on and lasting longer isn’t the issue – the real issue is that he wants his wife to take other lovers. There is a lot of overlap in the chastity community with cuckolding, and this is one of those examples.

    Beej – This is that “stealth” submission again, ain’t it?

    Luka & Ms R – The other sad thing is that some husband is going to suggest this to his wife, and she’ll look stuff up on the net, stumble over this (or one of the blogs like it) and be horrified. Result: a woman who won’t want to even make an effort, and a disappointed man who will end up writing bad chastity porn on his blog…



  11. allforher says:

    Even in a “best case” scenario, from his perspective, at least, there can’t be a happy ending here. If his wife were to go outside the marriage to find sex she would most likely end up feeling horribly guilty about cheating on her husband. So, the self-centered low life gets what he wants while destroying the person he claims to love selflessly.

    Of course, she could always find that the person she has sought comfort in is a better match for her than her husband, in which case he is no longer being cuckolded, he’s just being divorced.

    I have to say that I agree with Tom about a wife finding this type of thing after her husband suggests a wlm or chastity. Thank you Ms. Rika for explaining things in a way my wife appreciated!


  12. Tom Allen says:

    If his wife were to go outside the marriage to find sex she would most likely end up feeling horribly guilty about cheating on her husband.

    Afh – That went through my mind a few times as I read not only that blog but several others. I think that to many people, “I want you to have sex with someone else” really comes across as “I don’t care about you that much anymore.” Whether it’s true or not, the real issue is how it’s received.

    The person in question has told me that his wife “is okay” with this, but what I get from the blog says otherwise. What I get is that the idea of having sex with other men might be hot, in the same way that any fantasy is hot. I mean, both Mrs. Edge and I both enjoy the fantasy of a year or more in chastity, but we both know that the reality would be disappointing.


  13. Em says:

    Interesting, Tom. I think you’ve got the right idea here. And I didn’t find you because I was searching for info about orgasm denial and all that either (but you know that). . .you’re pretty much how I know that people are even into it in the first place!


  14. therambler says:

    eh she’ll find someone else and then he’ll get pissy because she doesn’t follow the script


  15. Since M.A. and i are starting our journey fresh, this subject has come up between us. i showed Her a video from a popular website and i am not going to give the shameless plug here, but it is a Cuckolding Video. i often thought the fantasy was hot, but never would desire this in real life. Maybe the threat of it is good for humiliation, but i had to evaluate cuckolding again with Mistress Amanda and subtract the erotic aspect and think about it with my big head and not my little one.

    We talked about this logically, and She told me that She didn’t want any other men, and never would want another. She is in love with me. That made me melt, because i need Her love and i was flattered and stunned at the depth of Her love for me and me only. When we had this talk, the entertainment of the cuckolding fantasy lost its appeal. i am much happier having the security of Mistress Amanda locking me up, but still wanting my cock and mine only when She chooses to release me. i faced it head on and i learned that i would never have been happy adding cuckoldry to my life, and it took my Wife calling me out to think logically about it to wake me up.

    There is another blog that is in the genre and they guy is cuckolded, and he says he likes it, but the tone and inflection of his words says different. He strikes me as very sad. It seems like he keeps himself worked into a sexual frenzy to take his mind off the pain of being rejected. i feel very sad for this guy. i think he feels like he made a bad decision, and now he can’t go back.


  16. Tom Allen says:

    Em – glad to have given you some elucidation.

    Rambler – I’m not sure about that, although I’ve seen several blogs now in which the relationships seem to have gone downhill after the guy tried to get things switched over to FLR.

    AK – i am much happier having the security of Mistress Amanda locking me up, but still wanting my cock and mine only when She chooses to release me.

    That’s the point I was trying to make, summed up in one sentence. I think that you should write about this experience on your blog, if only to help give some perspective to others.


  17. Lotus says:

    I was on a dating sight for a while, Cuckold Connections, because when I found cuckolding it sounded perfect. I get all the sex with all the partners I want and I get to lock someone else’s penis up and get breakfast in bed, too? SWEET.

    The reality and the emotional underpinnings of it was enough to actually sicken me. I am not an object to be used. I am not an object to be used to jerk off about. I am sure as hell not a person to be manipulated. Pretending that your selfish behavior is for my own good is paternalistic manipulative crap and I hate that more than someone trying to outright use me.

    Manipulating me with paternalistic crap so that you can turn me into an object to jerk off about IS NOT OKAY. It’s not female domination. It’s not fun or happy for me.

    Telling me that you love me and just want me to be happy while sabatoging my sex life is the opposite of loving behavior. This kind of crap is EXACTLY why, while I was willing to look at it, I ran from the cuckolding stuff as far and as fast as I could (that and the weird racism fetish for black men- wtf??)

    Your porn is way hotter than that.


  18. Emma Kelly says:

    Hi Tom,

    Em and I, as you know, are a cuckold couple. I can’t explain why it turns us both on to play this edgy game but it does. The main thing for us is that it enhances our sexual pleasure. It’s about us.

    Part of the problem with all edge play, and cuckolding in particular, is that it tests the boundaries of SSC. That’s also part of the allure. We play at the edge because we are thrill seekers.

    Em and I are by today’s standards a long term couple (16+ years). We have identified many activities that keep our sex life hot and keep us focused on each other. Cuckolding functions this way for us. We evolved into it through chastity play and teasing and denial.

    Cuckolding can go awry-especially at the beginning- and there have been disagreements and difficult moments for us. But we have worked through a lot of the issues and identified for us the aspects that would make it unhealthy.

    I am not trying to suggest that we have it all sorted out. But we don’t fight about it anymore. We understand the pitfalls pretty well but still think it works for us and find the hot peaks of pleasure worth the dangers.

    It’s mostly a psychological game that utilizes betrayal and humiliation by the female to trigger intense jealousy and desire in her mate which in our case usually leads to heightened states of intimacy between us. She fucks other guys physically in order to fuck me emotionally… and that gets her off because she’s not only turning me on but turning the other guys on too and getting her own kicks in the bargain. These guys get off on using another man’s wife. So when it’s working, everyone gets what they want.

    We are enacting fantasies and trying to maintain the deep awareness that they are just that. While we’re doing it we work at making it feel real. But later we come back to this world. Husband and wife reunite, reaffirmed in their bond.

    It’s something of a paradox but I hope this helps explain it.


    Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse


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