Edit: If you’d like to score your own bottom, but don’t want to figure out the tables, I’ve created an Excel spreadsheet that you can download: The Ass-timator
Let me know how you do.
From The Toronto (Canada) Sun:
By THANE BURNETT
In the end, Dr. David Holmes has finally found it.
A mathematical equation so defining — so important to the past and future of humanity — it may rival whatever that whole E=MC-squared was all about.
He’s discovered a formula for the perfect bum. A way to quantify our greatest assets.
No more will any man stumble when asked by their wife if a pair of jeans make their butt seem big. Smart women need never to feel stupid after getting caught in the depth of a plumber’s crack.
Bootyliciousness is now simply logical.
Holmes — who spoke to me last night from his UK home — is a psychology lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University. He developed his bum data — one for men and another for women — as part of his work on evolutionary signals and roadsigns. A good part cheeky stunt, the work, he stressed, actually uses firm science to explain how men and women become dazed under a perfect full moon.
“The litmus test is we most often pick a healthy bum; that’s what we find attractive,” he explained. “So in that way (historically), the bum was often used to find a healthy mate.”
Our backends make us unique among our primate brothers and sisters, he points out. Strutting on a catwalk, most other apes would lose their pants for a lack of significant derriere.
“We developed our rounded rears in order to survive on the African savannah terrain, by being able to run long distances, beating … rivals to scarce food,” he’s concluded. “Thus, part of human success has (come) down to our bums.”
The twin-peaks of a good bum are a signal for possible sex. The sight of female breasts are simply a substitute for bouncing buttocks, he’s sure.
“Firmness, pertness and the ability to defy gravity indicated a potential mate that was healthy, fertile and good at childbearing and caring,” he’s written in his theory.
Down through time, the perfect female butt has varied — oscillating between a “pear” and the more rounded offering.
And while cultures may quibble — Western society sides with small bums, while some African tribes give cat-calls to a large triangular affair — the basic math still largely works.
“The perfect male rear has varied far less from the days of Michelangelo’s David to the celluloid outings of Brad Pitt,” the doctor of derrieres said.
He noted, the offset nature of the male bum runs counter to the normal aesthetic assumption that nature has to have perfect symmetry to be beautiful.
There is a slight difference in the way men and women judge the perfect bottom. Women put J.Lo’s caboose at the front of the train, while most men would say singer Kylie Minogue’s bottom is tops, Holmes concludes.
“The perfect female derriere has firmness to the touch and a resilience that prevents undue wobble or bounce, yet looks soft with flawless skin,” Dr. Holmes wrote in his conclusions, which I’ve kept reading, over and over again.
High marks go to bums that are dimple-free, slightly larger at their upper third, rather than their lower half. If you’re backing up to a mirror now, yours should be longer than it is wide.
Holmes also outlined a long and involved theory on the male butt — something about Jean Claude Van Damme and how it has to be hairless and in proportion to the rest of the body. But I wasn’t listening to that part, and as he talked, instead kept leafing through his research to find more of his descriptions of Kylie Minogue’s bottom.
In his “Bum factor” calculation, the perfect specimen would rate a tally of 80 points (though my interpretation of his math has a top score pegged at 81).
Holmes is not married, but has a girlfriend. He’s told her he’s calculated her at 78 or higher.
“She seems happy with that,” he said, noting she’s never asked him to flesh-out his reasoning on the high marks.
While the 56-year-old scientist has never been to Canada, he imagined our collective Bum Factor may be quite high.
“At least higher than those found in the U.S.,” he assumed.
We are a country, I boasted, full of many perfect asses.
Now, after putting form in formula, Holmes said he’s not finished with his ground shaking work. He’s investigating the mathematical equivalent of the ultimate kiss — though male researchers now urge him to uncover perfect breasts.
It’s all fine work. But given the figures he’s put in our minds, I would think he would be content to sit on his laurels.
And the formula is …
(S+C) x (B + F)
The factors are: S = overall shape; C = circularity or spherical buttocks; B = bounce factor; F = touch firmness; V = vertical ratio: Aim towards being slightly “pert.” (Reverse scale); T = skin texture. (Reverse scale)
Scoring the factors
OVERALL SHAPE: Which best decribes your bum?
A trodden-on doughnut – 1
A pear dropped from a great height – 2
Rounded but dimpled, making it look square – 3
Big but more narrow than high – 4
A small peach shape – 5
CIRCULARITY: Which of these represents your bum?
Square as a cheese slice – 1
Like an egg is round – 2
More pear shaped – 3
Pair of pink grapefruits – 4
BOUNCE: How resilient is your bum?
Nothing can stop this badly contained jelly – 1
Wobbles for 30 seconds after one flick – 2
Cheeks don’t meet when I walk – 3
Only bounce during sex – 4
During aerobics, doesn’t even quiver – 5
TOUCH FIRMNESS: Which best describes your bum firmness to the touch?
Could lose a hand in here – 1
Makes a dimple if pressed – 2
Can’t press in a centimetre – 3
Latex-coated cricket ball – 4
VERTICAL RATIO: Select nearest to your ratio.
Like a traffic cone – 4
Bigger at the bottom – 3
Symmetrical both ways – 2
Like a pert pair of breasts – 1
SKIN TEXTURE: How is you bum complexion?
Cellulite, spots, orange peel — you name it! – 4
Dimpling on underside – 3
Spotty but no dimpling – 2
Like a baby’s – 1
HOW DID MY BUM SCORE?
Perfection! – 80
Reach for the beach! – 60
Exercise! Diet! Hope! – 40
Keep your clothes on! – 20
Stay indoors! – 0
So, let me understand this – some university prof was paid to study women’s tushies? Not only that, but to study them long and hard, and to come up with a ranking system?And he did so with the blessings of his girlfriend?I feel very sorry for Dr. Holmes right now. Know why? Because for the next week, all of his married male friends are going to drive by his house to throw rocks at his windows; and at work, his colleagues are going to key his car in the parking lot.And then the week after that, all the women who don’t have “the perfect derriere” are going to come around to throw rocks at his car.