(S+C) x (B + F)/(T – V)

Edit: If you’d like to score your own bottom, but don’t want to figure out the tables, I’ve created an Excel spreadsheet that you can download: The Ass-timator
Let me know how you do.

From The Toronto (Canada) Sun:

In search of the perfect bottom

By THANE BURNETT

In the end, Dr. David Holmes has finally found it.

A mathematical equation so defining — so important to the past and future of humanity — it may rival whatever that whole E=MC-squared was all about.

He’s discovered a formula for the perfect bum. A way to quantify our greatest assets.

No more will any man stumble when asked by their wife if a pair of jeans make their butt seem big. Smart women need never to feel stupid after getting caught in the depth of a plumber’s crack.

Bootyliciousness is now simply logical.

Holmes — who spoke to me last night from his UK home — is a psychology lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University. He developed his bum data — one for men and another for women — as part of his work on evolutionary signals and roadsigns. A good part cheeky stunt, the work, he stressed, actually uses firm science to explain how men and women become dazed under a perfect full moon.

“The litmus test is we most often pick a healthy bum; that’s what we find attractive,” he explained. “So in that way (historically), the bum was often used to find a healthy mate.”

Our backends make us unique among our primate brothers and sisters, he points out. Strutting on a catwalk, most other apes would lose their pants for a lack of significant derriere.

“We developed our rounded rears in order to survive on the African savannah terrain, by being able to run long distances, beating … rivals to scarce food,” he’s concluded. “Thus, part of human success has (come) down to our bums.”

The twin-peaks of a good bum are a signal for possible sex. The sight of female breasts are simply a substitute for bouncing buttocks, he’s sure.

“Firmness, pertness and the ability to defy gravity indicated a potential mate that was healthy, fertile and good at childbearing and caring,” he’s written in his theory.

Down through time, the perfect female butt has varied — oscillating between a “pear” and the more rounded offering.

And while cultures may quibble — Western society sides with small bums, while some African tribes give cat-calls to a large triangular affair — the basic math still largely works.

“The perfect male rear has varied far less from the days of Michelangelo’s David to the celluloid outings of Brad Pitt,” the doctor of derrieres said.

He noted, the offset nature of the male bum runs counter to the normal aesthetic assumption that nature has to have perfect symmetry to be beautiful.

There is a slight difference in the way men and women judge the perfect bottom. Women put J.Lo’s caboose at the front of the train, while most men would say singer Kylie Minogue’s bottom is tops, Holmes concludes.

“The perfect female derriere has firmness to the touch and a resilience that prevents undue wobble or bounce, yet looks soft with flawless skin,” Dr. Holmes wrote in his conclusions, which I’ve kept reading, over and over again.

High marks go to bums that are dimple-free, slightly larger at their upper third, rather than their lower half. If you’re backing up to a mirror now, yours should be longer than it is wide.

Holmes also outlined a long and involved theory on the male butt — something about Jean Claude Van Damme and how it has to be hairless and in proportion to the rest of the body. But I wasn’t listening to that part, and as he talked, instead kept leafing through his research to find more of his descriptions of Kylie Minogue’s bottom.

In his “Bum factor” calculation, the perfect specimen would rate a tally of 80 points (though my interpretation of his math has a top score pegged at 81).

Holmes is not married, but has a girlfriend. He’s told her he’s calculated her at 78 or higher.

“She seems happy with that,” he said, noting she’s never asked him to flesh-out his reasoning on the high marks.

While the 56-year-old scientist has never been to Canada, he imagined our collective Bum Factor may be quite high.

“At least higher than those found in the U.S.,” he assumed.

We are a country, I boasted, full of many perfect asses.

Now, after putting form in formula, Holmes said he’s not finished with his ground shaking work. He’s investigating the mathematical equivalent of the ultimate kiss — though male researchers now urge him to uncover perfect breasts.

It’s all fine work. But given the figures he’s put in our minds, I would think he would be content to sit on his laurels.

And the formula is …

(S+C) x (B + F)
—————
(T-V)

The factors are: S = overall shape; C = circularity or spherical buttocks; B = bounce factor; F = touch firmness; V = vertical ratio: Aim towards being slightly “pert.” (Reverse scale); T = skin texture. (Reverse scale)

Scoring the factors

OVERALL SHAPE: Which best decribes your bum?

A trodden-on doughnut – 1

A pear dropped from a great height – 2

Rounded but dimpled, making it look square – 3

Big but more narrow than high – 4

A small peach shape – 5

CIRCULARITY: Which of these represents your bum?

Square as a cheese slice – 1

Like an egg is round – 2

More pear shaped – 3

Pair of pink grapefruits – 4

BOUNCE: How resilient is your bum?

Nothing can stop this badly contained jelly – 1

Wobbles for 30 seconds after one flick – 2

Cheeks don’t meet when I walk – 3

Only bounce during sex – 4

During aerobics, doesn’t even quiver – 5

TOUCH FIRMNESS: Which best describes your bum firmness to the touch?

Could lose a hand in here – 1

Makes a dimple if pressed – 2

Can’t press in a centimetre – 3

Latex-coated cricket ball – 4

VERTICAL RATIO: Select nearest to your ratio.

Like a traffic cone – 4

Bigger at the bottom – 3

Symmetrical both ways – 2

Like a pert pair of breasts – 1

SKIN TEXTURE: How is you bum complexion?

Cellulite, spots, orange peel — you name it! – 4

Dimpling on underside – 3

Spotty but no dimpling – 2

Like a baby’s – 1

HOW DID MY BUM SCORE?

Perfection! – 80

Reach for the beach! – 60

Exercise! Diet! Hope! – 40

Keep your clothes on! – 20

Stay indoors! – 0


So, let me understand this – some university prof was paid to study women’s tushies? Not only that, but to study them long and hard, and to come up with a ranking system?And he did so with the blessings of his girlfriend?I feel very sorry for Dr. Holmes right now. Know why? Because for the next week, all of his married male friends are going to drive by his house to throw rocks at his windows; and at work, his colleagues are going to key his car in the parking lot.And then the week after that, all the women who don’t have “the perfect derriere” are going to come around to throw rocks at his car.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Culture, Eye Candy, Interesting Oddities, Media, News, Sex news and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to (S+C) x (B + F)/(T – V)

  1. thisgirl says:

    i only got 32! 😦 well…i hate my arse!

  2. Tom Allen says:

    Oh, and thanks to Nigel for spotting this.

  3. Cat says:

    Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder…so Tom rank my butt, I dare you 😉

  4. Tom Allen says:

    Cat – have I seen a picture of it? I can’t quite remember…
    And how can I judge the firmness without feeling it? Oh, and the jiggleosity? Maybe I need… video!

  5. Ms. Rika says:

    What a great article…forget the content…he gets kudos just for the pun-factor! Had me laughing my 90 point ass off! (My husband said mine was 90 points…could it be because I told him if he rated it lower than an 80, I wouldn’t hold it against him?)
    – Rika.

  6. Luka says:

    I can’t be arsed (sorry) to work through the formula to see how great my backside is. I prefer a more simple equation of size=points, in which case I rate rather highly!

  7. Susan says:

    What about a male study? Can we get funding?

  8. Tom Allen says:

    Edit: If you’d like to score your own bottom, but don’t want to figure out the tables, I’ve created an Excel spreadsheet that you can download: The Ass-timator
    Let me know how you do.

  9. Patty says:

    Mathematically I don’t like this formula. If your T and V scores are the same, you get zero which can’t work. And if your T is lower than V you have a negative number, does that mean your ass is super ugly?

    If we ignore the obvious mathematical problems, I think I scored a 42. Hmmm, I need to go running….

  10. Tom Allen says:

    Yeah, I just spent the last two hours trying to build a spreadsheet to handle some of the errors.

    For a “divide by zero” error, I gave the bottom (sorry!) formula a value of 1 instead. I then made it output an absolute value, so negative numbers don’t occur. Given the small range of choices, you really can’t get numbers that are too far out there, unless you’ve got a very oddly shaped ass interesting “buttopography”.

  11. Fuse says:

    Ok, if i did it right I scored a 36, but is this even for guys?
    I’ve been told through the years I don’t even have a butt, which explains why a belt is mandatory for me… more recently it’s been called a hinge.

  12. Songs says:

    Gawd, just when I thought I couldn’t hate my arse MORE..
    -Songs

  13. Tom Allen says:

    Fuse the hinge – :::laughs::

    Songs – see, that’s what I meant. Why do we need one more way to quantify what “attractive” or “beautiful” is supposed to mean? All we’re doing is Gattaca-ing our culture

    Luka – So, you’re from the “bigger is better” school of design, eh? Actually, in your case, if definitely seems to work 😉

    Cat – based on the very few scanty pics that I’ve seen, I’ve calculated your score at 68.5.

    Naturally I’m up for more rigorous testing, should you so require.

  14. darklily says:

    I almost took the quiz…because I am apparently insanely competitive. Then I realized that since I know of at least 2 men that are fixated on my ass that I really didn’t need to bother with it.

    Plus, the image of myself trying to see my butt in a mirror and checking if it bounces, etc. started to crack me up…when you have the flu, that leads to coughing fits. I need my lungs. 😛

  15. em says:

    Hmm. . .I don’t have much of an ass so I’m not going to figure out my score and have mathematics confirm what I already know!

  16. MissBonnie says:

    I’ll pass on working out if my butt’s up to the norm LOL I have enough problems already

  17. Tom Allen says:

    DL – I’m sure if you wanted to post some pics of your ass, you’d have a lot more men who would be fixated.

    Em – I was under the impression that you had a rather cute tush.

    Ms B – I think that this is like having the “perfect” anything – it’s totally subjective.

    Zeph – your comment got spammed by accident and I was too late to retrieve it. Please post again so WordPress doesn’t blacklist you.

  18. Pingback: ZenFetish » Blog Archive

  19. havingmycake says:

    Tom, I tried valiantly yesterday to comment on this but your blog had decreed that my bottom was just too perfect to be taken into the equation…

  20. This is one formula I won’t be working with!
    As my buddy says, “at 20, it’s like feeling a peach, over 30, more like cottage cheese.”

  21. kimba says:

    TOM!
    I only got 14!!
    Grrrrrr how dare you tell me to stay indoors.. 😦

    You’ve seen my butt.. surely you’d give me a smokin’ score?

  22. Tom Allen says:

    Cake – I’m sure that your bottom is the tops.

    Girl – Are you kidding? 50 is the new 30!

    K – Sorry, hun, but the figures don’t lie. I mean, even Cat got a 68, and she’s got a bootyliscious bottom.

  23. maja says:

    Catching up on some overdue reading…

    I can’t figure out what half the rankings/categories even mean! Do I want my bum to look like breasts? Is it bad that it doesn’t jiggle? I think the formula is specifically to test for whether you carry your flab in your bum. Man, if my overall fitness were judged just by that, I’d be an Olympic champ. Just my luck to carry my weight in my belly and have nothing (okay, maybe not nothing) around the other side.

    At the very least, it makes spankings hurt A LOT!

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