Weirded out

Okay, so here’s the deal: I have a new friend, a cute 27 year old woman who has been emailing me and being generally pleasant and chatty. She’s a professional in the local entertainment media, and we chat – via email – about just how things are in life. She has wondered about how to act around guys, and I’ve offered up advice. We’ve touched briefly on the nature of sexuality in relationships, but I’ve drawn a line in the sand beyond which it just feels too weird to cross. This may sound weird, coming from somebody who freely discusses how to navigate the kink/vanilla relationship, but there’s an added factor here. This woman knows me in real life. No, that’s not the part that’s weirding me out. The part that’s really weirding me out is this:

She’s a friend of my son.

Let me stress that this is not his girlfriend, it’s just someone that he met as an area entertainer; he has a girlfriend. And let me also stress that I don’t get the vibe that she’s hitting on me. She’s been to the house several times, we’ve run into each other socially, and she knows I’m married. And she’s quite attractive and is in a business where she gets a lot of public exposure and does not need to hit on married guys twice her age. Mrs. Edge knows that she emails me. We don’t do anything beyond friendly banter. Are we clear on this?

I do, however, get the impression that she doesn’t have anyone with whom she can talk about relationships. Her parents are from “the old country” and seem to be rather strict and conservative, and her conversations with them on the subject tend to run toward them accusing her of being a tramp or about to get pregnant. Not very sex positive, in other words. I sort of think that she may be adopting our family because Mrs. Edge and I are generally pretty laid back and non-judgmental with our younger friends. We try very hard not to act like know-it-alls (which is very difficult when you’re me, of course). We’ve had a number of younger people over the years that seem to adopt us for periods of time, coming over for dinner, helping, hanging out, stuff like that.

So what’s weirding me out? I’m not quite sure. I think it’s because she’s been friends with the son for a while, which makes her quasi-family. I don’t discuss sexuality with family members – much to the relief of several of them, I’m sure. But why don’t I discuss it with family members? Frankly, I don’t know. I think that I have some kind of idea that I’m supposed to be setting an example, although the idea that I’m some paragon of virtue is laughable for people that know me.

On one hand, I feel badly, because I suspect that she’s reaching out in some way, and I’m not being as helpful as I could be. On the other, I don’t want to get overly intimate with someone who might happen to mention something to my son. Is this just me being weird, or what? I don’t often find myself questioning whether or not I should do something or be in a situation, but this one just sort of snuck up on me.

Any ideas or comments?

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Communication, Disclosure, intimacy, relationships, Resources & Discussion, sensuality, Sexuality & Relationships, vanilla and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Weirded out

  1. em says:

    Interesting. On the one hand, what’s the big deal about discussing sexuality with her or anyone, right? But on the other hand, I completely understand why you’d hesitate… and in the end that’s probably the safer option.

    Also, you say she isn’t hitting on you but… I’m not sure you can say that with total certainty. Women are weird.

    Also, just out of curiosity, would she sit with you and your wife and ask the same questions? How would your son feel, do you think, if he knew the nature of your conversations with her?


  2. Tom Allen says:

    Good questions, Em. I think that she might ask the same questions if Mrs. Edge and I were together – she hasn’t asked anything really intimate or specific, they are more along the lines of “why do guys do this” or “how do I know this guy is worth the trouble of getting to know him”.

    I think that my son might be a little weirded out, but then, he’s used to some of his friends hanging out with us so maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal.


  3. havingmycake says:

    I dont think our kids really want to know about our sex lives so I think you’re wise not to enter into more personal revelations just in case she accidentally says something to your son.


  4. Patty says:

    As a 27 (well, I just turned 28) year old woman who asks you all kinds of questions about sexual relationships, I can understand why she talks to you. You are very open and give sound advice, and I think it would be a blast to talk to Mrs. Edge as well to get keyholding advice. And while I do not see a problem with communication between the generations, it makes a difference when it is your parents.

    I know that my parents had sex, myself and my siblings being the obvious reason. I do not think, even now, I would be comfortable knowing the details. I have 2 children and I don’t think that they should know about our sex life. Why? There needs to be a separation between me as a parent and me as a sexual being. Think back to your breastfeeding blog. That separation is what makes breastfeeding so late in life acceptable to some, the children do not see their parents as sexual.

    Thanks for this post, it is good to be able to sort these opinions out before the infamous “where do babies come from” question comes up!


  5. Fuse says:

    It’s a fine line to be sure. My daughter and I were very open about what was, and was not happening in each others lives sexually for a short while, but it got weird on us as well, and now we rarely mention anything. I think Patty makes a good point about it, that there needs to be a seperation. I don’t plan on sharing anymore, but if my kids choose to read about it on my blog though, well that’s their choice.


  6. Wendy says:

    I think it really depends on your personal comfort level. I’ve ‘adopted’ parents over the years, and we’ve all had different relationships, based on mutual comfort. If you don’t feel ok talking about a certain topic, or aspect of your life, or answering questions specifically, you shouldn’t. Just let her know nicely that it isn’t something you feel comfortable discussing, for your own reasons.

    I adopted my best friend’s parents, because I could talk to them about things I couldn’t with mine – specifically, her mother and I were both dealing with severe depression, and my parents didn’t see it as a problem to deal with or talk about. But we never talked about sex. It would have been uncomfortable for everyone involved. We talked about boys and dating and stuff, but we skipped the sex.

    However, when I adopted my Aunt by marriage as a parent, we did talk about sex (and puberty). We had a different relationship. She was a nurse. She wasn’t a blood relative. She was also real cool about those questions, and non-judgmental. She also knew my mother, and knew she would never answer those things for me, at least not correctly.
    (Now, her kids ask *me* those things. Ah, the circle of life…I guess no one wants to talk to mom about puberty.)


  7. Milliscent says:

    I think that I would probably open up, talk to her.

    Some women can have a very hard time finding someone they are comfortable discussing sex and relationships with, someone whom they feel safe with, someone they perceive to be more experienced.

    You might be of more help to her than she can imagine.

    That said, the concerns you mention are certainly valid. Before having the conversations she seeks perhaps you should outline your concern to her, make sure that she understands your need for privacy as far as your son is concerned.


  8. Elizabeth says:

    My gut says trust you should trust your gut.

    As far as her hitting on you or not, that you can’t know. I agree with Em completely, women are weird. She could have intentions and attractions she’s not even aware of…..but I don’t think it matters.

    If she wasn’t your son’s friend and Mrs. Edge was cool with it, what’s the harm? You give people good advice and a shoulder to lean on all the time.

    But mix the son’s friendship in there, I think your warning bells are ringing for a good reason.

    Good luck you compassionate sexy bastard you. 🙂

    hugs, E


  9. kimba says:

    My gut is telling me to get her to come over for dinner and have Mrs. Edge there as well if she wants to talk. Share a bit of the load as far as the answers to her questions go. I reckon that you and Mrs Edge together will find a line that you are comfortable with.. and also it may give you the recourse in the future to say to the young woman “Think you’d better talk to Mrs Edge about that..”
    I think it would become less..
    man + woman + intimate discussion = weirding out
    and more – I don’t know – out in the open?


  10. Dave says:

    I’m with Elizabeth…trust your gut.

    If it feels “wrong”, it probably is.


  11. Kate says:

    I would express your doubts and concerns to her…women can be weird, but she might surprise you and you might be able to reach a compromise that you both can live with.


  12. Tom Allen says:

    women are weird. She could have intentions and attractions she’s not even aware of…

    Well, it’s me… who could blame her?


  13. -P says:

    I agree with the thought to trust your gut, for if the alarm is buzzing it is for a good reason.

    Kimba has made an excellent suggestion on how to navigate the waters.

    Nice header, by the way! 😉


  14. gillette says:

    I’ll chime in on the trusting your gut thingie. Sometimes we can’t know why we have the gut stuff, but I’m sure you’ve noticed that we are always happy when we listen to it and really pissy with ourselves when we don’t. Kimba had a great solution…that’s cuz she’s smart.


  15. kimba says:

    .. unless Thomas.. this is the kind of weirding out you want to keep to yourself..
    There is some sort of power/kudos being the one she shares this stuff with..

    Be vewwy vewwy careful now that you are all spunky and hot looking.. Young vulnerable gals can be young and vulnerable.


  16. Tom Allen says:

    I didn’t say anything was wrong, just weird. Now that I’ve had a few days to think about it, and have had the benefits of some excellent input from you, I think that I have a better handle on this.

    If I were having these conversations with a male friend of the young’un, I think that I would still be somewhat reserved. That’s because of the firewall that I have between my sexuality and the rest of the family. Nobody needs to know that I’m kinky, nor do they need to know the details of my sordid rather interesting past.

    She hangs out with my son just about every day, so she’s not just a friend, she now has the “family” taint.

    While I have given out some details to my other younger friends, they have no connection to my family, so there’s no need for that firewall. I’m more clear on that now.

    The other concern is that she’s one of those women creatures, and frankly, as E pointed out, some of y’all can be a bit weird. I make a point not to flirt (well, not much) with women that I know in real life because despite my stoic and reserved exterior (shut up!), inside there’s a typical guy who would secretly love the attention; I don’t want to put myself in a position where somebody misinterpreted the signals, and I don’t need to put myself in a position where I might be, er, overly flattered by someone misinterpreting those signals. When you get to be my age, it’s easy to be overly flattered.

    I may have been over-thinking the sitch. I don’t mind trusting my gut, but I do like to understand what my gut is thinking at the time.


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