Blog Swap – 2008

Some bloggers like to change things up to keep it interesting. Memes and blog quizzes can only go so far, though. Eventually you actually need to post some content for people to read.

FTN (Fade to Numb) is one of those people who probably thinks up games for people to play at family picnics; he’s been the mastermind behind several other “reality show” take-offs with various bloggers. His latest brainstorm is to have randomly selected bloggers (yes, we volunteered) put up a guest post on each other’s blogs. I volunteered with some trepidation because while I read FTN, I don’t comment often, feeling a little bit out of place because I’m such a pervert I tend to have racier content than most of his readers, and I don’t want to scare anyone.

So today’s post has been written by Cocotte from Suburban Musings. She did an admirable job of trying to pick a topic to fit in on Edge of Vanilla. My own guest post has been sent to Bunny from Down the Rabbit Hole. I hope that my readers will take a few moments to visit both of my fellow bloggers.

Adventures in Suburban Sex Shopping

by Cocotte

Thanks to Fade To Numb, I’ve been chosen to be a guest blogger on this site. I don’t normally write about my love life, but seeing that this blog is basically “Talk Sex With Tom,” I feel compelled to write something of a sexual nature. I guess my one and only trip to a sex shop might qualify as good reading, so here goes:

I decided to venture into unknown territory about four years ago. Valentine’s Day was drawing near, and I wanted to surprise my husband with something sexy, other than my normal Victoria’s Secret gear. After perusing their website, I decided to go the distance (both physically and mentally), and step foot into a sex shop. My first mistake was going at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday, when no one else was in the store. Not that I was concerned with running into any acquaintances. I guess I just thought I’d be more comfortable shopping in private. I didn’t take into account a gungho sales staff. Upon entering, I was blinded by the wall of dildos to my left, all in assorted sizes and colors, ranging from your average-looking-penis to ones of ghastly proportions. Ok, now I’m working up a sweat. But nothing scared me more than Mrs. Middle Aged Saleslady who pounced on me during my first ten seconds in the store. Her first question, “Are you looking for something special today?” to which I meekly replied, “Something for Valentine’s Day” was followed by, “Are you going out of town?” HUH? I didn’t know I had to take a trip to have sex with my husband. I almost felt like I was letting her down when I said, “No, we’re just staying home for the holiday!” I had high hopes that my short answers and red face would give her the hint that I might like to shop in complete privacy, but that was not in the cards.

For the next 10 minutes, she followed me around the store like a lost submissive in a maze of sexual wonders. Every toy, lube, paddle, or vibe I picked up, she had to give me either a lengthy description of its use, or god help me, a demonstration on my hand! I didn’t know how to respond – “oh yeah, that Doc Johnson massaging my palm is really satisfying?”

A sense of relief overwhelmed me when another customer entered the store. Saleslady ran over to her and questioned her on her intentions. This poor woman was looking for wedding candles. Um, sorry lady, but unless you want your wedding candles to be penis or booby shaped, you’re in the wrong place! After a quick look around, that lady hightailed it out of there and I was once again alone with Saleslady from hell.

I decided this was no time to comparison shop price per ounce on Happy Penis Massage Cream, so I made my selection and attempted to make a speedy exit. I picked up one of their valentine specials – a red Chinese takeout box filled with lubes, candles, an egg vibrator and two fortune cookies (yes, we were afraid to eat them). I had wisely brought cash so that I could remain anonymous. However, Saleslady decided to then hound me about e-mails with special birthday and holiday coupons, etc., etc. I said no once or twice but then finally gave in and put down my actual name and e-mail address. I figured I’d never see Saleslady again, and it would just go to my spam folder anyway, so what the hell?

Valentine’s Day came and went and hubby enjoyed the surprise box, though it was really more tame than I had hoped the experience to be. He enjoyed my embarrassment more than anything else and told me that’s why he only shops for sex products on-line. I thought my short stint into the den of inequity was now a distant memory, but I was mistaken…….

About two weeks later, I was sitting in the parking lot of my child’s school, biding my time until it was time to go in and sign her out. A van pulls up next to me, and who should emerge from the passenger’s side, but ambitious Saleslady?? I immediately ducked down, grabbed my cell phone, and called hubby to report that it seemed sex shop lady was the mom of one of my daughter’s classmates!! How did I know this? I recognized the man Saleslady was with as one of the dads in my daughter’s class. What dumb luck on my part. If that lady had ever read a class list, she would have immediately recognized my last name when I signed up for sex-o-grams from her little shop of horrors.

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the year avoiding any parental involvement in that classroom and praying that my child never befriended Saleslady’s spawn. And I also pondered what happened the next year when it was “Take Your Daughter to Work Day.”

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Sexuality & Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Blog Swap – 2008

  1. FTN says:

    Considering two of those links are blocked here at work, they MUST be interesting.

    A group of friends I was with went to a sex shop my freshman year of college. I was too scared to go inside. I sat outside in the parking lot. I was 18, what did I know.

    Now, of course, sex shops seem more “mainstream.” They practically advertise themselves as lingerie stores. I’ve still never been in one — the tiny bit of shopping I’ve done has been online as well — but I’ve been strongly curious. I don’t think I’ll ever get my wife in one, though…

  2. Tom Allen says:

    FTN, I often hate going into sex shops because most of them sell the most gawd-awful crap. I do tend to buy most of our products online, after a bit of research.

    There are a couple of places in the area that cater to the BDSM crowd, and have a better selection. They still sell the gawd-awful crap, but at least they have a section where you can see some decent restraints.

    Hmmm. You mean my whole blog is not blocked at work? Is that a good or a bad thing?

  3. Lil Bit says:

    Funny story, Cocette, & nice to meet ya! 😉

    You were quite brave to go in there alone. I’ve been in sex shops on an occasion (or 5, lol)… but always with hubby in tow. The lone ‘gunmen’ roaming the dvd aisles give me the eebie-jeebies & I’d rather not shop without my 6’3″ hubby by my side (I’m only 5’2″).

    Nice post! =)

  4. Dave says:

    I’ve managed to venture in a few times now; twice, to the local “hole in the wall seedy dark rather ugh place”, and twice to babeland, in NYC.

    If you ever get the chance, get to babeland- it’s clean, bright, no salespeople from hell, and we saw many more couples there, than guys in trench-coats sneaking to the back room.

    Great post Cocette, glad to meet you!

  5. Dave P. says:

    This begs the question: just how would you retail smut, lingerie, and “marital aids” in a tasteful, upscale manner? Can it be done? What would a “sex shop” look like in, say, Grosse Pointe?

  6. Tom Allen says:

    Oh, hell yeah! Babeland is a great example of how it could be approached. Bright lights, flashy displays, wide variety of selections, upbeat music. They have a book section, a lingerie section, a video section, and a toy section. They have a lot of women clerks sales assistants to make a safer connection with the women who wander in. There’s a couple in NYC and some out on the Left Coast. Hmm. Probably none in fly-over country, though.

    Even the BDSM oriented place I mentioned has a nice layout and does not look at all like the typical grungy “erotic” adult place. I went in one day to ask about suspension cuffs, and a sales associate came over to demonstrate several for me.

    Good thing Too bad I wasn’t looking for riding crops.

  7. cocotte says:

    The store I was in really does attempt to present itself in an upscale manner. Their theme is “Monogamy shouldn’t be monotonous.” And their ads always feature hetero couples of various ages and sizes.

    That being said, there is just no way I can’t feel like a dirty ho shopping for marital aids!

  8. Dave P., on June 27th, 2008 at 9:40 pm Said:

    This begs the question: just how would you retail smut, lingerie, and “marital aids” in a tasteful, upscale manner? Can it be done? What would a “sex shop” look like in, say, Grosse Pointe?

     
    Easy.

    You know those mobile phone ads in glossy magazines?   How they’ve got all these pretty people enjoying their lives and relationships by talking on their mobile handsets to the people in their lives?

    Well, all you need is attractive pictures of people enjoying holding hands with their partners, enjoying time together, sharing moments, and you’ve got a great premise for marketing all the products which help all those people enjoy their time together just that little bit more.

    You could mix in some images of people enjoying solitary time, such as a person reading a book in pleasant, comfortable surroundings, or enjoying a takeaway meal and a film at home, something like that, to convey the message of self love and self play.

    As Fun Factory say on their packaging – “Love yourself!”   And even though “love” isn’t necessary to enjoy these products, certainly “like” and “enjoyment” and “fun” should be sufficient?

    Tom has mentioned before:

    Amazing. The media is so intent on displaying sex in ads, TV shows, movies, magazines, etc., because we all know that sex sells. Unfortunately, we’re only supposed to look at it, as if it were some kind of display piece. We’re not actually supposed to do it, much less enjoy it.”

    It seems incredibly interesting to me that after using sex to sell so very many products, when it comes to sex toys and related paraphernalia, all the toy companies and advertising agencies run out of ideas all of a sudden?

    People can’t use sex to sell, well, sex??.   This does not seem like a difficult concept to grasp.

    Oh well.   There goes the faith in human nature that I almost had.

  9. This was a great post! There’s a shop tucked into a suburban housing development near where I live. It can be just behind the privacy fences of the nearby houses because, under city ordinance, it is a ‘lingerie store.’

    My husband and I went in last year and dropped a ton of cash on a short lived vibrator. Those sales people do swoop down on you. When we tried to leave empty handed, we got turned around and marched back toward the giant wall of various treasures.

    Now I shop online and get a much bigger bang for my buck!

  10. Manager Mom says:

    Oh. My. God. I am laughing my ass off here about you bumping into the sex shop lady. See, this is why I wait to go on vacation. We go to the same place in maine every year, and there are two sex shops in Portland that I hit for my annual stock-up. NO danger of that happening to me!

  11. Dave P. says:

    Don’t y’all imagine the “sex shop lady” lives in constant fear of being outed at a bake sale. or some such?

    The door swings both ways. 🙂

  12. L says:

    Awww that post is so cute!

    Nobody should be ashamed of going into sex stores, though. I understand the feeling, I feel kinda shy about it as well, but that’s just wrong, it shouldn’t be something to be mortified about!

    I’ve had a funny experience in a sex store too. I wanted a sexy costume to surprise my boyfriend, and my friend wanted something sexy for halloween as well, so we did a few stores. In one store, she was trying a costume on, and wanted to show me, but didn’t want the whole store to see so I got into the cabin with her.

    Imagine our embarrassment when an employee came knocking and said “are you two in there? you can’t do that…” So I step out and he says “sorry but we have a policy about that, we’ve had… situations before.” Ah, ok. So he was afraid we were having sex in there, us two girls… 😀

  13. cocotte says:

    L,
    Now THAT would be embarrassing. I hope you found a hot, sexy Halloween costume. I shop for mine on-line and hope for the best as far as fit!

  14. L says:

    Yup, it was embarassing, but I don’t know any of the people that were there, who cares what they think 😉

    I did end up buying a costume off of ebay. It wasn’t for halloween, it was a sexy police outfit to surprise and “arrest” my boyfriend. As for fit, it could have been better, but that’s what you get for shopping online. None of the stores we went to had anything that was nice and reasonably priced.

  15. Tom Allen says:

    it was a sexy police outfit to surprise and “arrest” my boyfriend.

    Pics! We want the pics!

  16. L says:

    LOL

    I don’t actually have pics of that.

    Besides, I don’t know how to post pics here 😛

  17. Tom Allen says:

    >:-Þ
    Pppffffttt!

  18. L says:

    It’s true!

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