. . . Here comes . . .
“Get off my lawn, you damn kids!”
Yeah, how many gray-haired superheros do you see lately, huh? Not many. You know why? Because they retired and moved to Florida, that’s why. They’re living in a high-rise condo by the Gulf of Mexico (although a few of them are living in a retirement community off of Key West). That means that there are only a few of us left up here in New England.
Unfortunately, we get a little busy, what with the leaf raking and lawn re-seeding, and the trips to the dump on the weekends, so we don’t have much time for that crime-fighting stuff anymore. But that’s okay, most of the crime here in the ‘burbs are petty things anyway, like the neighbor who doesn’t leash his freakin’ dogs, or the guy at the end of the block who burns leaves without a permit. Oh, and the damn teenager who just got his license and who keeps driving up and down the street at all hours, his amped stereo blasting, ba-doompa, ba-doompa, ba-doompa so you can hear him coming a mile away. And none of that good music, like we used to have back in my day, mind you. No, nowadays it’s all that new stuff that doesn’t have any words to it, just guys wearing mascara, screaming into the damn microphone.
And never mind that, how the hell do these spoiled kids afford to drive around all day with gas prices so high? I’ll tell you how: their damn parents just give’em the gas credit card and off they go. No appreciation these kids, let me tell you. When I was that age, we had to borrow a car from Dad or an older brother and he’d make us wash it and fill the tank before we returned it. We’d drive down to the local malt shop and the waitresses would skate out to the car and. . . hey, do they even have skating drive ups anymore? No. Godammed fast food joints put’em outta business, that’s why. All that greasy food gives me heartburn now, not like those burgers we had back in my day. I could eat two of them with a side of onion rings and wash it down with a chocolate malt. . . and that’s another thing: those damned fast food joints don’t even have freakin’ milkshakes anymore, now they sell you this frozen edible plastic in a cup. You know why? Because the dairy all goes to making those damned protein bars and liquid diet shakes that everybody drinks now. Pretty soon we’re not even gonna need teeth, we’ll just drink our steak dinner out of the foil carton.
And don’t even get me started on why you can’t get a good steak anymore. . .