Watch out, punks…

. . . Here comes . . .

The Geezer!

“Get off my lawn, you damn kids!”

Yeah, how many gray-haired superheros do you see lately, huh? Not many. You know why? Because they retired and moved to Florida, that’s why. They’re living in a high-rise condo by the Gulf of Mexico (although a few of them are living in a retirement community off of Key West). That means that there are only a few of us left up here in New England.

Unfortunately, we get a little busy, what with the leaf raking and lawn re-seeding, and the trips to the dump on the weekends, so we don’t have much time for that crime-fighting stuff anymore. But that’s okay, most of the crime here in the ‘burbs are petty things anyway, like the neighbor who doesn’t leash his freakin’ dogs, or the guy at the end of the block who burns leaves without a permit. Oh, and the damn teenager who just got his license and who keeps driving up and down the street at all hours, his amped stereo blasting, ba-doompa, ba-doompa, ba-doompa so you can hear him coming a mile away. And none of that good music, like we used to have back in my day, mind you. No, nowadays it’s all that new stuff that doesn’t have any words to it, just guys wearing mascara, screaming into the damn microphone.

And never mind that, how the hell do these spoiled kids afford to drive around all day with gas prices so high? I’ll tell you how: their damn parents just give’em the gas credit card and off they go. No appreciation these kids, let me tell you. When I was that age, we had to borrow a car from Dad or an older brother and he’d make us wash it and fill the tank before we returned it. We’d drive down to the local malt shop and the waitresses would skate out to the car and. . . hey, do they even have skating drive ups anymore? No. Godammed fast food joints put’em outta business, that’s why. All that greasy food gives me heartburn now, not like those burgers we had back in my day. I could eat two of them with a side of onion rings and wash it down with a chocolate malt. . . and that’s another thing: those damned fast food joints don’t even have freakin’ milkshakes anymore, now they sell you this frozen edible plastic in a cup. You know why? Because the dairy all goes to making those damned protein bars and liquid diet shakes that everybody drinks now. Pretty soon we’re not even gonna need teeth, we’ll just drink our steak dinner out of the foil carton.

And don’t even get me started on why you can’t get a good steak anymore. . .

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Humor, satire and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Watch out, punks…

  1. sexywhispers says:

    Tom–In my eyes, you are a super hero!

  2. Elizavetta says:

    OMG. This was fucking hilarious! And yeah, back in MY day, we didn’t have them fancy cell phones. We had to talk into rocks and pretend our friends could hear us… and we LIKED it!

    New England superheros are the best… not at all like them namby pamby ones who went all tail-between-their-legs down to F-L-A as soon as the kids went to college.

    Tom Allen, you’re my hero…

  3. RC says:

    Pretty soon, you’re going to walk out your front door and yell,

    “Hey, you kids! Get off my damn lawn!”

    As you feel the tension in your fists grow, you’ll smack your teeth, scratch your ass, then turn back inside to Ms. Edge and mutter,

    “Goddam punks, no respect anymore.”

    Then you’ll realize you almost missed the opening of The Price Is Right, and forget all about those damn kids for a few minutes. But as you sit down in your Lay-Z-Boy, you’ll remember you forgot to lube up your CB that morning, and its gettting a bit grabby, and so you get down on your knees and beg Ms. Edge for the Baby Oil Gel.

    Which she’ll give you only if you slide the custom made butt plug shaped like Drew Carey (ouch!) up your bum while you watch the show.

    Good times await…

  4. em says:

    hahaha… the Geezer is my hero.

  5. Fusion says:

    funny stuff Tom…

    Just stop at Sonic for the skate delivered malt, then head over to Costco for them steaks…

    but then you’ll start to worry because you forgot to put on your depends, while waiting in line behind the 4 overstuff carts full of food for the families of those pucks that are driving you crazy music wise…

    ah, so much to look forward to as an old geezer 😉

  6. Mr Manic Depressive says:

    FINALLY! A superhero I can relate to!

    Faster than a dose of laxative, more powerful than super absorbent Depends, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no, it’s THE GEEZER!

    Great post, I’m sitting at work laughing my ass off. Thanks.

  7. darklily says:

    I love it. I am stealing this and making my own Darklily superhero.

  8. Tom Allen says:

    I’ve already made myself a new blog avatar: The Gray Geezer.

    You better let me know when you post your avatar, ‘cos I know it will be hawt.

  9. darklily says:

    I have no idea why it took me so long to remember this: http://www.toonopedia.com/warlord.htm

    One hot grey haired super hero. : )

  10. Tom Allen says:

    DL – interesting character, but I’d say that his hair isn’t gray because of his age. I was gonna say it was light blond, but after looking at the various cover issues, I’m not so sure.

    And what’s the deal with that helmet with the feathers on the side? A bird head?

    BTW, Toonpedia is an excellent resource!

  11. darklily says:

    Nope…he absolutely has grey/white hair. I think he may have even been teased about being an old man at one point in the comic (been a long time since I read it).

    I can’t quite remember wher he got the helmet from. I think I recall it was part of the uniform ; ). In the frst issue he saves Tara, Queen of Skartaris and become her concubine.

    I was a big comic book geek growing up.

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