Male Chastity – In real life

My little rant about the childish wankers who screw up adult forums initiated several responses, including one from my friend Aarkey who elaborates on why adults need time away from children chastity practitioners need someplace to discuss whys and hows, and perhaps more importantly, what one goes through. Aarkey brings up several issues in his post to which, in turn, I feel compelled to add my own thoughts.

The first thing that I want to address – which I touched on in my rant – pertains to the practicality of living in a chastity device.

The fantasy stories of “she forced me into a belt and I couldn’t get out no matter what, and she kept me locked for weeks…” well that’s pure fantasy stuff. The reality is getting the fit right and learning to live with it (and keep things moisturized and clean in there) are a different reality.

Anybody can do it for a few days or a week, mainly because you’ve got the arousal to keep you going. Even if you’re not getting an orgasm – or even sex – for a few days, most men can deal with the little inconveniences because they’re focused on the mind-blowing orgasm that they’re expecting on Saturday night.

When you don’t know when you’ll be allowed out of the device, or even if you’ll be allowed an orgasm when you are, you no longer have something to look forward to “at the end of the week;” that arousal is no longer enough to keep you going, or to distract you from the little inconveniences and annoyances of wearing a device that squashes your wabbly bits into a small, confined space. Ever have a cast on an arm or ankle? Remember how annoying it was, how you couldn’t scratch when it got itchy, how you had to remember to wear accommodating clothes? That’s the same concept here: once you get over the “Oooh, I’m in a device!” rush of arousal, you have to figure out how to live with it, all day, every day.

You will learn that you have to wear certain clothes, because the device will hang and make your testicles sore, or that you need looser clothes to keep the bulkiness from bothering you. Urinating stops becoming second nature as you need to think ahead to find toilet stalls so you can sit. Expect to have a few accidents when you accidentally spray your pants, the toilet, or innocent bystanders until you figure it out.

Do you work out at a gym? You may need to wear a jockstrap to keep it supported. Do you shower at the gym? Hope they don’t have open stalls, or you’ll be displaying your $200 worth of plastic to all and sundry. Even a dip in the pool becomes a potentially embarrassing situation unless you can find swim trunks that don’t show off the off bulge as the wet fabric clings to your body.

You learn that edges that feel smooth to your fingers will feel rough or pinchy on your testicle skin. Rings that feel comfortingly snug one day will be unbearably tight the next. . . or overly loose. You’ll need to learn how to keep it clean, which lubricants are better – you know you need lube, right? – and which not to use. And sometimes you’ll forget to lube, which means that a walk around the mall will be full of surreptitious jiggles and proddings until you can duck into a loo to make a more suitable adjustment.

The CB-2/3/6000 line are great products, but one really needs to be a bit handy in order to make some basic modifications to facilitate more serious use. It’s a bit like owning a computer in the 1980s and 90s – you needed to be a bit of a gearhead to get the best usage from them.

In real life, it takes weeks or months to experiment with getting the right fit and getting your body to adapt. In the chastity fiction, nobody ever mentions the care, cleaning, and hygiene involved.

Aarkey differentiates between people who are just using a device for a short term play, and those who wear one 24/7 for longer periods. Despite the fact that Mrs. Edge and I do play at this for weeks or months at a time, I hesitate to use the word “lifestyle” because, frankly, the term is so over-wrought that I want to plotz whenever somebody mentions it. He introduces the term “sincere play” for those who have a more committed approach, and later, with regard to the wankers who flood discussion forums with fantasy material, goes on to mention:

The thing is, wearing a chastity belt day and night is usually a very tough experience – both physically and emotionally. It is a massive roller coaster, and going beyond a couple hours or days of playing into the deeper levels of a D/s dynamic is pretty intense stuff. So please, I implore you – respect the real players enough to let them have their say. Don’t drown the truth in your fantasy.

I could not agree more. Again, once you get past the “Woot! This is so hot!” phase, few sexual kinks will affect your psyche so much as the fundamental loss of control of your most personal pleasure. Having your lover look into your eyes and click the lock shut gives you a rush of emotions. Yeah, sure, it’s a little, teeny lock that you can remove with a small bolt cutter, and the devices are just plastic and can be cut (carefully!) with a hacksaw, but still, while the device it on, for the first time in your life you can not touch your penis. You can’t stroke it, you can’t feel your underwear, you can’t rub it while taking a leak, and you can’t idly stroke it while lying in bed. Never mind masturbating, you can’t even feel it.

You no longer have control over something that you’ve been playing with for years.

And while I’m on the subject, let me address the “subbier than thou” types who loftily sneer “A real sub doesn’t need a device, he should just not touch it when his Mistress tells him so.”

Get over yourselves, okay?

I never hear anybody say “He’s not a good slave because you have to tie him to the St. Andrew’s Cross when you flog him,” or “If she were a good subbie, her master wouldn’t need restraints when he taps her with the TENS.”

There is no One True Way® to practice D/s (yes, that includes those of you living on Planet Gor). For some people, it’s not about the device, it’s about the control – who gives it and who has it, and believe me, it’s not all just the man’s fantasy. Mrs. Edge probably kinks a little harder for the device than I do; to her, the device does more than just represent her control, it embodies it. She doesn’t need to negotiate with me (after the initial agreement), nor does she concern herself with my self control, or lack thereof. She likes, no, she wants that security. And when I’m under her control, she doesn’t deny herself; I wear a strap-on because she prefers intercourse, and she loves the feel of the cage bumping against her. Even better, when that cage is filled and the device is stretched out from my body, she knows that I’m aroused, hot, wanting. . . and most importantly, frustrated.

Some of us just happen to kink on the physical restraint. It’s okay. Really.

And I want to touch a bit on the emotional roller coaster that orgasm denial can become. When Mrs. Edge looks into my eyes and clicks the lock shut, it’s an incredible sexual rush – for the both of us. By turning over the control of my orgasms, indeed, of my cock itself, I’m assured that she is paying attention to it, and more importantly, to me. I like attention from Mrs. Edge, especially the nice, sexual kind. The feelings of arousal will build for several days afterward, and by the end of a week I’m beside myself with all that good, wholesome horniness that’s just flooding over. Then, it gradually subsides to a low-level arousal until about the third week when I somehow sublimate my sexual desires into a need for raw sensuality. I can’t orgasm, but I still seek the touching, the closeness; and paradoxically, her sexual satisfaction becomes almost a substitute for my own. I say “paradoxically” because despite my own cock being locked up, I actively work to seduce her, even though I know I’ll be using our strap-on, my “other cock.” I want to see her, taste her, feel her body quivering, feel her nails digging into my back and my ass, her legs squeezing around my own; I need to have that, in order to have satiety by association, as it were.

But in real life, we have jobs, children, household chores, jobs, family events, community service, jobs, and the other stresses typical to any other couple. While I need more closeness and intimacy in order to assuage my orgasmic continence, she’s doing just fine. And when those life situations keep us from being intimate, I sometimes find myself becoming withdrawn and (perhaps overly-) sensitive.

From what I’ve read / seen / experienced, far more often then not the issue is that the dominant simply enjoys keeping the sub in chastity without dramatically paying more attention to the aspect of control, simply accepting it as it is. So there becomes an almost greater feeling of neglect by the sub, since they are being dominated so personally and so intimately, but the actual interaction of it is really very minimal. It almost becomes an absent domination, and can feel very empty and very lonely. Which makes it a much rockier experience than most subs expect.

And here is the point that you miss by believing the “tease and denial” wank fodder: The denial only remains fun because of the tease. Constant denial without any intimacy simply feels like neglect. This point completely escaped Mrs. Edge and I in our early days, and we experienced some bad times because of it. As it happens, Mrs. Edge has had some issues with intimacy which we really didn’t understand until a particularly bad point in our marriage. When we experimented with some long term “sincere play,” I learned from experience that hanging $200 worth of plastic on my tonker did nothing whatsoever to improve our relationship. Oh, things were a lot of fun at first, but because we had not addressed the underlying issues of intimacy and trust, things eventually went back to being bad. In fact, for a while things might even have been worse, because after over 8 months of orgasm denial, I was feeling more neglected than ever. And while we eventually were able to pick it back up again, it required some serious discussions about the nature of our relationship over a long period of time.

Even now that we are aware of the pitfalls, things still sometimes can feel “off” between us. For example, it has happened that we’ll spend a few days groping each other, feeling frisky and intimate. And one of us will have a heavy work week, at the end of which the other comes down with a flu, and by the time that’s over, then there is some family or community event that one or both of us are working on, after which the other one gets sick. Next thing you know, we haven’t been intimate in three weeks. These are issues that all couples contend with. Now, I know that she’s not intentionally neglecting me, but during that time I’m also working to suppress my own sexual urges so as not to feel more frustrated than I already would be. The inability to masturbate in order to simply relieve some internal pressure is no longer an option, and I sometimes find that I’m drifting into feeling a bit sorry for myself, if not downright neglected.

The point here is that, just as in any relationship, it takes a lot of work to communicate your needs and desires, and to control your own impulses so that you don’t blow something out of proportion. Unlike in the wanker fiction, in real life some things can be more difficult because the whole concept of chastity and orgasm control creates a situation in which the control is more passive and often times unseen. From Mrs. Edge’s perspective, her own life hasn’t changed at all, so it would be easy for her to forget that mine has changed in a fundamental way. And I have to be careful about reminding her, so as not to sound like I’m whining; but I do have to remind her of how I’m feeling, or else she might not realize. Sometimes all it takes is just acknowledging that there’s no time right now. . . which sounds exactly like the same issue that non-chastity couples have.

Going back over this, all the chastity stuff almost appears to be more trouble than it’s worth, doesn’t it? It’s not, really, certainly no more than any other interest or hobby or fetish can be. I really just wanted to elaborate on why discussion boards can be helpful for people starting out, or who are interested in taking their part-time play to a deeper level, and to point out that actually practicing this sincerely is nothing at all like the fiction one reads.

And on a personal level, while chastity and orgasm control might not have been my top pick for a kink, in our relationship it was one that we could agree on; Mrs. Edge – despite what you read on this blog – still considers herself to be rather “vanilla.” That is one of the reasons that I work at understanding this subject – the better to have a common kink that is enjoyable to the both of us. You know, just like in real life.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in CB2000, CB3000, CB6000, chastity, Chastity & Orgasm Denial, Chastity Devices, male chastity, orgasm control, orgasm denial, Real Life, Sexuality & Relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to Male Chastity – In real life

  1. roo-roo says:

    UR NOT A REAL SUB TRUE SLAVES DONT NEED CHASITITIY DEVICES IT S ALL ABOUT HER DESIRES NOT ABOUT U U SHOUD BE DOING HOUSEWORK WHILE SHE BANGS BIG BLACK MEN ITS UR PLACE AS A INFERIOR MALE SAFEWORDS R 4 LOZERS

    Okay, I’m better now.

    I’ve felt that lack of intimacy, that sort of “hands-off” style of t&d. It can definitely be detrimental to a relationship. Some people don’t seem to understand that just because your hardware is locked up, that doesn’t mean there has to be a lack of intimacy. There are still lots of other ways to maintain it.

    And I very much agree that it’s alright to be into bondage; it’s not a sign of weakness. It’s just another fun, sexy thing to do. A chastity device is a portable form of bondage, as well as a reminder of the one who put it there. There are so many reasons cock cages appeal to me (as opposed to deviceless chastity) that there’s just no comparison.

  2. Tom Allen says:

    Roo, I neglected to mention that your above linked post was excellent and right on target as far as Mrs. Edge and I are concerned. And something that I neglected to mention here is that “intercourse” is not the same as “sex.” It’s possible to have a lot of sex without having intercourse. The same is true about “intimacy.”

  3. GreyOwl says:

    Another great post… with just the insight and reality that confirms where I think I’ve tried to get my head around for a long time. Somewhere in the middle of the night I was thinking that the intimacy is still the real goal. Tease and denial is fun, but only if it involves both, as you mention. I can only hope to try that experience again some day…

    I’m thinking play for the short term, on an occasional basis, would suit me fine… but then again, wishful thinking. Time to go read Roo’s post.

  4. Pingback: Talking a bit about Chastity Devices « Reality & Redemption

  5. J says:

    “Constant denial without any intimacy simply feels like neglect. This point completely escaped Mrs. Edge and I in our early days, and we experienced some bad times because of it.”

    Very true, but one thing I noticed when my wife and I began playing with chastity is that when “things” (otherwise known as life) got in the way of intimacy, that $200 piece of plastic on my tonker was a great reminder for me to make an effort to carve out some space for the two of us.

    Before we started playing with chastity, if our schedules were hectic and she was busy or tired, I’d go take care of myself and not worry about it, figuring we’d catch up with each other when things calmed down. Which left us negelcting each other for longer periods, because things don’t calm down very much raising three kids and running a business.

    But with my tonker all locked up and the key dangling around her neck, I can’t just go take care of myself. I need to find a way to inject some intimacy into our busy schedule.

    If that means doing more housework so she’s not as tired at the end of the day, or planning more “date nights” with the kids foisted off on, I mean being watched by, someone else for a few hours, then I’d better do it!

    Of course it’s all just a game and not therapy-by-chasitty-device. But the game encourages me to make intimacy with my wife a bigger priority, and I find that, a lot of days, that little extra incentive makes all the difference. Life still gets in the way, but I fight back more than I used to.

  6. Dave P says:

    Thanks, Tom.

  7. Tom Allen says:

    J, I think that you and I are in agreement on most points, and I’m glad that wearing your device was able to help you focus on your relationship.

    Our own relationship was lacking in certain areas that really should have been addressed before we started playing; we weren’t trying to make me a a better husband, nor trying to turn her into a dominatrix. Our essential problem was that we needed to both be on the same page with understanding what intimacy was, and the importance of making time for it. As I said, this was a recurring issue with us and it took several years before we really understood what was going on.

    But you show a rare – and welcome – example of somebody who manages to utilize the device to improve your relationship, and I thank you for posting about it.

    Dave – for what?

  8. J says:

    Tom,

    Well, we didn’t start using the CB6k to improve our relationship, we started using it cause the idea was really hot (or should I say HAWT!1!). That was just kind of a welcome side effect. We were already pretty good about communicating and were mostly on the same page already, but just really short of time and pulled in a thousand different directions (like most people, I imagine).

    I look at is as the two of us finding a hobby we both enjoy, so we spend time together on it!

  9. Dave P says:

    Sorry, didn’t mean to be cryptic. Thank you for speaking with honesty and clarity. Those are pretty rare things in the world of kink. I found it engrossing and refreshing.

  10. Maja says:

    Tom, this post is fantastic. Tyr often gets tetchy midway through a T&D session, and this gives me a great deal of insight as to why. It’s so intuitive that I’m kicking myself, and yet I’ve never had it make so much sense before.

    Now you get to go around with the glow of the man who probably just improved two people’s sex lives. Good on yer.

  11. Aarkey says:

    A great write up, as usual. I’m very happy to have played a small part in the continued the discussion. These kinds of exchanges and deeper understanding that gets lost in a deluge of wank posts.

    Understanding the emotional processes that become the “absent domination” and learning to communicate and work through them have been one of, if not *THE* toughest thing that I’ve found in my adult life. It’s a blessing to know that I don’t go through that alone.

  12. Barney says:

    Tom, The others have said it before, it takes two, to have a successful D/s relationship, and like “marriage” …………… Chastity is a journey, it doesn’t have a goal, its a continuing experience as we tread life’s road,…and in this case, one less traveled by most couples.

  13. Mykey says:

    Not sure why you are so sure of this to be honest. I know that I got drugged and locked away 15 years ago now, and I havent been able to get out ever. Its made out of some space age metal that cant be cut with anything apart from magic. She still loves me though.

  14. This is very interesting. Are there really three different male chastity fantasies?

    #1 Chastity as extended T&D
    #2 Chastity as control for its own sake
    #3 Chastity as neutering-lite (wearer continues to have urges, but neither exposes himself in orgasm, nor risks any possibility of being sexually selfish)

    Regarding the “Real subs don’t need chains” tosh, I think that entering any sort of D&S relationship of any length is like visiting a country with a different culture. Once you’re there, you have to respect the rules, but you do get to choose select the destination with your partner. (Or select your partner according to destination.)

  15. Pingback: The most effective chastity device « Denying Thumper

  16. I approximating this web situate self-same a good deal thus much safe information.

  17. You have made some good points there. I checked on the internet to find out more about the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this website.

  18. Thomas Richert says:

    I couldn´t agree more, especially on the ups and downs in longer chastity. The mind and the body adapt to it very differently. Somebody has called it a mind bondage, and that is certainly fitting. In the first week you are still horny most of the time, but then you try to evade too many erotic thoughts, as they are of no avail. Then things calm don, until you are provoked by your mistress into new erotic actions without gettin rid of that clamp on your sexuality. So in time you resign, and I would say that there is a feeling of emasculation. On the other hand your whole body becomes one erogenous zone, your niples take over some functions of your penis, at least as sensitivity is concerned. And your mind? It changes, too, becomes more pliable, softer.

  19. Pingback: Male Chastity » Divorce Darling

  20. Rocky says:

    I just quite a chastity forum for good. There were three women (or so they claim) that were upset with me because I was advising the younger men (I am in my mid sixties) that it is OK to top from the bottom if you wife is willing to try chastity but has no idea of what to do. They also did not like that I suggested that you work out the general framework of your chastity period with your keyholder ahead of time. In their world, there was no place for a non submissive man to practice chastity. Then again, many in that forum are into feminiaation, cross dressing and D/s. I have been at this for a very long time with both pros and amateurs. I know the reality but it seems that many want to live in the fantasy online.

    It amazes me how readily accepted, stories that follow, line by line, the fantasy, are accepted as fact. Wives lock husbands against their will, etc.. Then their is the inevitable, at least in their minds, path to cuckolding where their wife naturally wants to have sex with a big black man with a huge cock without using a condom so that her husband can eat the cream pie. These kind of posts are accepted as fact. When I post things about how it really goes down, the women attack me. What is worse, of the three that attacked me recently, one has a commercial website where she offers to be a keyholder long distance and has links to allow you to buy things for her. The other two have boyfriends that they see maybe once a week that are locked in chastity and all of a sudden they think they are Mistresses and know it all.

    I have tried most of the popular and even unpopular fetishes in my long life. None played out like my fantasy and in reality no one goes to a Dominatrix or keyhold and just let them decide what to do without any feedback from the guy as to what he wants. That never ends well because when the needs of both people are not being met, it is not enjoyable to one or both. But it seems that many of the sex forums are places for guys and some women, to live out their fantasy online. There does not seem to be much of a place for truth as it spoils the fantasy.

    In my day, pre-internet, we had to make up our own fantasies. Now you can go to a few websites and find the same exact fantasy down to the details. What is surprising is that most “true” stories follow that same scripted fantasy down to every detail and that is what makes them so believable in a lot of people’s eyes. 🙂

    My career was dealing with information and its validity. I took several college courses about the information on the internet. Two main facts were taught to us. The first is that about 60%, at least 8 years ago, of the information on the internet is either completely or partially incorrect. The last point made was that for every person saying that they did something, more did not. In other words, less than half the posters about their true sexual adventures are making it up and god help the person who calls them out on it.

    It is refreshing to come across a person like you that knows the difference between reality and fantasy and talks about fetishes with all the warts and other things that happen in real life.

  21. Pingback: He Said, She Said: Losing Control in Chastity (w/Guest Blogger Tom Allen) | Monkey in a Cage

  22. live2serve_her says:

    Male chastity motivates people differently. For some, they enjoy the feeling of being restricted and bound while their Dom cuckolds them, giving the sub a feeling of euphoria. This is usually the choice of the subbie or slave because they need it to satisfy their kink. For me, chastity is a tool to prevent me from masturbating so that my energy can be directed to satisfy my wife’s all wants and needs with enthusiasm. I consider myself a true submissive husband that enjoys catering to my wife’s every whim. However, as a man I am capable of giving into all the weaknesses that a man will give into when not being supervised (after all man is inferior to woman). I do live to serve her by making sure our house is clean, dinners are made, and rub her feet and body while she reads or watches TV. However, I can be very lazy when accomplishing these chores sometimes. As all men know, once we have our orgasm we become very docile, sluggish and non compliant. This behavior is not permitted by my Mistress and she expects me to complete her list of daily chores. However, because I am my own person and I am not a robot that follows every direction without thought, there are times that I act out and many times use masturbation as a passive aggressive disobedience. Also I sometimes feel the need to release to take the edge off. I’m sure if your reading this you’re thinking “he’s not a true submissive if he doesn’t follow every direction without thought” or “he’s not a submissive because he orgasms when told not to”. Not every decision my wife makes is one that I agree with. There are times when I feel I need to be heard. Although she does have the last word, it doesn’t mean that I’m not affected emotionally. These emotions sometimes provoke flip answers, snide remarks or secret masturbation. I realize that consequences will be given, but sometimes I just don’t care. I have received a belt on my bare ass for my consequences or additional time (not divulged to me) that is added to my orgasm release. The point is, if you are one that gets a kink out of not having an orgasm then chastity is irrelevant. But if you are an inferior man who loves to orgasm but understands the side effect of lethargic behavior, then chastity is a tool to correct or prevent that bad behavior.

    • Tom Allen says:

      I’m sure if your reading this you’re thinking “he’s not a true submissive if he doesn’t follow every direction without thought”

      No, what I’m thinking is more like ‘Oh, here’s another one of those guys who claims to know what True Submission® is supposed to be.” And right after that I was thinking “Here’s a guy that apparently hasn’t actually read this blog.”

      • live2serve_her says:

        My question really comes down to… who are we being submissive for? Ourselves or her? To me, true submissive works rather my Dom Wife participates in the lifestyle or not. Fantasy submissive/slave can’t work without a Dom’s constant role playing and mental stimulation that caters to the slaves needs. When I read some of these blogs, I’m thinking “here’s another one of those guys who want so bad to have his fantasy to be his lifestyle” When actually what he needs is his fantasy to be reconfirmed on a daily basis. Meaning, it’s about YOU! As for me reading this blog under the heading called “Edge of Vanilla”, I prefer to grasp the concept of being a submissive husband in a more reality lifestyle. I know that my Mistress wife would not be happy banging strange black men without regard to her self respect, and as a sub I would not want her to be looked down upon as a reckless self indulging whore. She is superior and should be on a pedestal to show her greatness and dignity. If you can’t understand this, then your desired lifestyle really is just a facade or an article out of Penthouse Forum.

        • Tom Allen says:

          I have no idea what Roo wants or does in his relationship, so I can’t comment on his sexual orientation or his partner — and frankly, I’m not sure why you chose this blog to address that, since he has one of his own.

          I can, however, address the idea of “True” submissiveness that you raise. It seems that you are giving a pretty hard definition to something that would seem to vary from relationship to relationship. For as long as I’ve been active in online groups, I’ve seen arguments and disagreements over what represents “True” submission, and the examples and counterexamples often give rise to factions that have an almost religious fervor. For men: Should you assume the driver’s seat in the car? a) Yes, because you’re acting as a chauffeur or b) No, because driving is a dominant activity. And it gets stupider from there.

          If you have a relationship with your wife, and you believe that you are submissive to her, that’s great. But it seems like you’re trying to instruct other people as to what “True” submission is, and I don’t understand what you hope to gain by doing so.

          EDIT: Ah. I think that you read Roo’s ALL CAPITAL LETTER section above and thought that he was being serious. I assure you, he was not – he was making a parody of some of the kinds of guys that you run across on these blogs and forums.

  23. live2serve_her says:

    I apologize. I’m just sensitive about disrespecting women. I do enjoy reading your blog!

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