La cage au coq: The Birdlock Review

It was Friday night. The weather was warm, so I’d left work an hour early and gone for good bike sprint. I changed, made dinner, stopped to see the guys, and had just gotten home. Mrs. Edge was away for the week, and I was talking to her on the phone, telling her about my day, when as I stepped out of the car, I felt something wriggle down the inside of my pants leg.

“What the hell?” I exclaimed.

“What? What is it?” she asked.

I looked at the small, brass padlock on the driveway next to my shoe.

“The freakin’ locking pin just broke,” I told her, “and the stupid lock just went down my pants leg.”

“Cheap crap,” she complained. “Do you have a spare?”

“A spare? No, I don’t have a spare – it’s brand new!”

“Well, then you better get your old one on right away,” she commanded.

And thus ended my four week trial of the new Birdlocked device.

A few months ago, the chastity community – such as it is – was all atwitter over the introduction of a new device (a rarity in itself ) that promised to be secure, comfortable, and affordable; qualities that are sought after by chastity enthusiasts like some kind of kinky Holy Grail. Like the Grail, however, the ideal chastity device is still elusive.

The Birdlocked at first glance looks like a puffy CB3000, being molded as a one-piece unit out of clear (well, translucent) silicone, which the manufacturers are trumpeting as “medical grade silicone.” I’m having a hard time finding what differentiates this from normal silicone, but I should point out that some dildos and other sex toys also claim to be made from this.

Anyone thinking that such a device would be too flimsy for normal use would be surprised at how durable it is. The silicone is about 1/8″ thick (3 – 4mm), and at least twice that in the section that holds the locking band. Some early models have ripped, but that seems to be from air bubbles in the molding, creating weakened areas. While I have no doubts that the devices can be torn, it’s not going to happen while you are wearing one.

Once you get past the “Hey, it’s all squishy” reaction when you open the box, you will realize that it has some heft to it; it’s almost as heavy as a CB6000, but the snug cuff ring will keep it from sliding down.

The cuff ring is attached to the body of the device, and is about 3/4″ wide. Those of you accustomed to the one-piece cuff rings on the CBxxxx line of devices will understand how to put in one testicle, then the other, and then finally smoosh your penis through, but even experienced kinksters will have a difficult time at first, simply because the wide cuff means that you have to hold onto whatever it is that you’ve smooshed through with one hand, smoosh other things through with the other hand, while bending the cage body out of the way with a third hand. I suggest loosening things up with a long, hot shower or bath first, because you’re going to need all the stretchiness you can get. Those of you who have only used the hinged cuff rings or the sectioned cuff rings on the 6k are in for a test.

I put mine on in the shower, and smooshed the wabbly bits through the cuff ring. It was easy to smear a little soap into the cage and squeeze everything else into place. The CBx000 devices depend on the hard plastic and some guide pins to keep wearers from bending the cage away from the cuff ring. The flexible Birdlock has a tether molded to the bottom front of the cage section that tethers to the bottom of the cuff ring by attaching to the locking strap. I pulled it forward and threaded the locking strap through the tether, and wrapped the strap around the cuff ring.

The cuff is flexible, and subject to stretching and bending, so the locking strap has a couple of different holes through which a small locking pin fits. The pin is smaller than the ones found in the 3k, and much shorter. The Birdlock company includes a small brass luggage padlock, about a third smaller than those that come with the 3k or 6k. The pics on the website show an Abus lock – a European company equivalent to Masterlock here in the US. That’s definitely not what I received – my brass minipadlock had such sharp edges that I scratched myself by accident. Before I put it near the expensive piece of plastic, I brought it down to the workshop to file off and buff out the edges and corners.

I’m hesitant to use the word “cheap”, because you probably don’t really need anything more substantial than the small luggage-style padlocks. Unfortunately, that was really the first thought that crossed my mind when I matched the lock to the pin, especially since the pin itself seemed pretty flimsy. However, since the pin only needs to keep the strap on the cuff ring, it shouldn’t be subject to much pressure or torque. Sadly, this is one more instance of the inattention to detail that one often sees from many fetish and BDSM supply shops. The CBx000 models rely on the pin to keep the sections together, so they need to be stronger.

The tether felt a little weird because I’m not used to wearing a ball splitter (it bisects the testicles), but being soft and squooshy, it wasn’t too uncomfortable. I put a little lotion around the potential chafing points after I dried off. Then I went off to a meeting, and was so comfortable that I forgot that I had it on.

Until it was time to pee.

I had counted on the inherent “stickiness” of the silicone to keep my penis in place, with the head positioned into the tapered end, and my urethra lined up with the small hole. However, after driving, walking, sitting, standing, climbing stairs, etc., somehow things got moved out of place, and the aforementioned inherent stickiness kept me from easily moving things back into place. Fortuantely, the bathroom was empty; I managed to grab a wad of toilet tissue in order to keep things from dripping all over my pants.

Lesson: smear some lube inside the cage in order to reposition yourself.

Mrs. Edge discovered it when we went to bed, and she spent a while feeling and fondling the new device, and decided that she had some small reservations, but overall we agreed it was worth keeping on for a while, so we decided to keep testing.

One of the difficulties in reviewing a product is trying to keep personal preferences from coloring the actual pros and cons, but in the case of something with such intimate use, it’s difficult to separate the opinions from the practicalities. For example, Mrs. Edge and I prefer to sleep in the nude, and she enjoys the feel of the device against her ass when we spoon. The Birdlock was a bit squishy, and to her, it didn’t feel substantial enough. In the past, I’ve heard the CBx000 devices referred to as “toys” by people who use the heavier steel devices, and I can now make a similar analogy. The squishiness certainly adds to the comfort, but the tradeoff is that if you are used to hard devices, it feels a bit… off.

The next morning I got up early to exercise, and discovered that some of my skin had swelled through the side vent holes. The holes are larger than those in the 3k, so it wasn’t painful, but it certainly looked odd. I reapplied some cream and exercised on the weight bench without a problem. I should point out that I don’t have a problem in the 3k, either, although the 3k does require some adjusting once in a while. I made coffee for Mrs. Edge and hopped into the shower.

The Birdlock is easy to clean, and the vent holes are just large enough to allow your pinkie finger to poke in and smear some soap around. I use a squeeze bottle to squirt warm water inside my 3k, and this trick worked just fine with the Birdlock. I was a little concerned about how well I would dry off inside the silicone tube, but as I discovered, it wasn’t an issue. Remembering my lesson, I smeared some lube inside the cage and got dressed for work.

Putting on my snug jeans is another test, and I was surprised to see that the Birdlocked actually had a little more of a bulge than my 3k. It wasn’t a weird looking bulge, like with the older 2k, but it was definitely noticeable, especially the round bulge made by the tip of the cage just past the seam of my crotch. You would think that the squishy cage tip would have conformed to the jeans, but what I discovered was that the much wider cuff was pulling everything further away from my body. The solid cuff rings are about 5/16″ wide, and the 6k ring is about 3/8″ wide, but the Birdlock is more than twice that width. The bulge was even more noticeable wearing my sweatpants, which meant that I had to remember to wear underwear under my sweats or gym shorts around the house; not only do we like to sleep in the nude, I prefer to go “commando” when possible. Other than the bulge, the Birdlock was comfortable under my jeans, and I wore them to work. During the next few days, I did find myself being aware of not leaning back in my chair when people were watching for fear that the bulge would show.

Again, though, peeing was a problem.

I’ve written how I modified the front slot of my 3k and my 6k to make it easier to line up my urethra in order to use the urinal. The Birdlock’s tapered head forced everything into place, and the little bit of lotion inside made it easy to just move things over a tad. But the tether kept me from pulling just the cage out of my pants; unlike in my loose dress pants the night before, I needed to maneuver my entire package out of my pants in order to pee. I eventually figured out the trick (part of which was to not wear the snug jeans).

Having been accustomed to the hard cuff rings, the flexy cuff of the Birdlock was a pleasure. I wasn’t as bothered by the extra pulling that some men have reported, although I did make the mistake of shaving right before I put it on; the wide cuff pressed on the hairs as they grew, making me itch fiercely for most of the week – even lubing up a few times a day wasn’t enough to relieve the itching. The second weekend had pleasant weather, and I found that I could easily work outside, bending, stretching, and doing yardwork with no appreciable loss of mobility, or need to adjust the device. I even dusted off the bike and went for a quick ride. And this is where the Birdlock shines: I didn’t have to adjust myself, nothing chafed, and my testicles didn’t get caught in any unforgotten corners of the cage. I rode several miles at a good clip on my road bike, the one with the shifters on the frame, so I was constantly bending over and pressing against the saddle (something which I have to be careful about in my 3k) and barely noticed that I was wearing a device.

And so it went for a couple of weeks. I didn’t have any real complaints except for the slightly more prominent bulge, and by the end of the week, even the itching was better as the hair grew back in under the ring. I found cleaning to be easy, especially if I used a squirt bottle to flush out the inside. I’ve long since learned to use lotion instead of baby oil on these devices because it’s much easier to clean. In two straight weeks locked up I didn’t have any hygiene issues, not did I develop any chafing or sore spots.

Two weeks, and then it was time for some play.

Blowing the chastity stereotype out of the water, Mrs. Edge prefers intercourse to oral, so we use a strap-on when I’m locked up. We have a nice leather one from Stormy Leather, and we have acquired a couple of very lifelike dildos from Blowfish – a little bit too lifelike at times, I think. I slipped on the harness, and tried it out. It fit well, and I think I was able to wear the dlido slightly lower on my hips than with the 3k, but I did not measure it or compare them side-by-side. Lower on the hips, of course, means more natural movements for me., which translates into a more natural feel for her.

As much as we like to test things out objectively here at Edge of Vanilla Labs, we haven’t figured out a statistically valid test for Mrs. Edge’s orgasms. Essentially, she lies there as I whisper dirty things in her ear and hold her closely, all the while using my hips for slow, deep thrusts. Mrs. Edge has the orgasmic capacity of a Chicago voter: she comes early and often. When she starts breathing heavily and digging her nails into my ass, though, I know it’s particularly good. Oddly enough, though, there was no fingernail digging.

Later, when discussing how it felt, she complained that she did not feel the cage press against her ass as it does when I’m wearing the 3k. Again, this is one of those very subjective issues – Mrs. Edge gets very turned on by the feel of the hard plastic cage against her; it lets her know that I’m still locked up. The Birdlocked flexed just a little too much for her tastes, which she found to be less arousing. Yes, she knows I’m wearing the cage, but the lack of tactile feedback cut things back a notch for her. It’s not a deal-breaker for her, and if we hadn’t already been used to the 3k and 6k, then it might not have even been noticeable, but it’s one of those variables that we need to factor in.

On impulse, she decided that she wanted to compare the “other cock” to the one in the cage. She opened the lock and we undid the locking band and tether, and I wriggled the silicone cage off. The smell was minimal (I rinse it at least twice a day), and as I washed off, I spun the cuff around so that the cage was dangling underneath, as Mrs. Edge wanted me to leave it on. While it was snug, it was uncomfortable as a cock ring, probably because it was too wide. But we managed to make do, and the cuff was just snug enough to keep me hard, even though I could feel it flexing a bit. After a few minutes, Mrs Edge was satisfied, and we (after a few more minutes, a cold washcloth, and a lot of lube) were able to wrangle the cage back on.

We wouldn’t be Edge of Vanilla Labs if we didn’t make some kind of modification to a device. Later in the week, I removed the cage for a few days and covered up the two round vent holes at either side in the center of the device. My skin was constantly swelling out of the sides, and while it was never as painful as it had been with the 3k or 6k, it was still a bit irritating. I cleaned the cage thoroughly with soap and then again with alcohol, and placed tape along the inside of the cage (no small feat – the silicone seems resistant to the stickum ), then smeared clear silicone caulking into the hole and around the outside. After giving it a few days to set, the cage wen t back on. I was concerned that closing the vent holes might affect the cage because the silicone tends to cling to me, but I couldn’t tell any difference – except, of course, that my skin didn’t swell out of the sides anymore.

I swapped back and forth between the Birdlock and the 6k for a few days until I was sure that the silicone would hold, and wouldn’t harm the cage, and by the time Mrs. Edge left for a week to visit family, I had been back in the Birdlock for another week. The rest of the week was uneventful; I exercised a lot, rode my bike, mowed the lawn, went to meetings, and tried to wear pants that wouldn’t show up the bulge too much. By the end of the fourth week (a few nights before she was to come home) I thought that things were holding up just fine, so I was rather surprised – and irritated – to have been derailed by crack in the locking pin. I think it might have happened during a bike sprint, but I have no way of knowing. It’s possible that the lock simply got caught wrong in my underwear and bent the pin back when I was lifting something. So, later that night, I was back in my 6k in which I spent the next few days waiting for Mrs. Edge. Of course, I split the seam on that a few days after she got back, but that’s another story.

At this point in any other review, I’d be giving the product a “Thumbs up” or something equally inane. Unfortunately, it’s not quite so easy with the Birdlock. I tend to rate chastity devices on three main points: Comfort, Convenience, and Security. Overall, we liked the device: it’s comfortable – I barely knew that I had it on most of the time, and I didn’t have to keep adjusting it while biking and exercising. I found it to be fairly easy to clean and maintain, and in four weeks I wasn’t able to pull out of it.

But . . .

I didn’t care for the itchiness from having my hair grow back under the wide cuff ring. I have no idea what it would be like otherwise, since I generally shave or trim regularly. The bulge was larger than I would have expected; we had hoped for a device that would be convenient to wear under swim trunks or snug bicycle shorts; the 3k and 6k show up a bit more than I’d like, and the Birdlock disappointingly more so. And just the fact that it shows up a bit more in regular pants makes this a second choice for our own regular usage. I don’t have any complaints about the security, either, except that by the middle of the fourth week, I was able to give myself some stimulation by continually squeezing the soft cage. It took a while, and it wasn’t worth moaning over, but I was able to bring myself to a reasonably satisfying orgasm (Ssssh! This is just between you and me, okay? Don’t tell Mrs. Edge.). That’s minus quite a few points on the Security scale.

As to the more subjective points, both Mrs. Edge and I had some misgivings about the flexy silicone. We decided that we both like the hard plastic of the CB3000 and CB6000; compared to them, the Birdlocked felt a bit more like a toy, or not for “serious” play. As mentioned earlier, for years I’ve been hearing that owners of the expensive steel belts dislike the plastic devices for much the same reason. The Birdlock had too much give for us when spooning in bed at night, and as mentioned before she couldn’t feel it enough during sex. And as to the construction of the device, while I’m convinced that it will not fall apart under normal use, I was disappointed by the rather cheap feel and flimsiness of the plastic locking pin. Even the plastic strap that goes around the cuff ring was stretching by the time I had to remove it. And again, the sharp corners on the cheap luggage lock were inexcusable. I’m fortunate to be handy with tools in order to repair and modify what I need; most people, though, are not, and should not have to do so in order to use a device for the purpose which it is sold. The CBx000 devices ship with a full set of rings and a decent Masterlock. There’s no reason that the Birdlock can’t ship with an extra locking pin and locking strap.

All in all, I would recommend the Birdlock for newbie wearers and for people just experimenting with chastity and orgasm denial, but for those who already own a 3k or 6k, I’d suggest that unless your device gives you some serious comfort issues, then you probably don’t have anything to gain by adding the Birdlock to your collection. It’s a great concept, but it needs some re-thinking and fine tuning before it replaces the more widely known devices already on the market.