Okay, here’s a little quiz. Don’t worry, it’s just two questions.
She is an attractive, middle-aged woman who has a controlling streak. She keeps her husband frequently locked in a chastity device, and often does not allow him to orgasm even when he’s out. This goes on for weeks or months at a time. He keeps her pampered by massages and footrubs, brings her coffee in the morning, and usually cooks dinner. In turn, she compels him to wear a strap-on when they have sex, so that she, herself, does not need to forgo sex the way that she likes it.
Is this woman:
A) A Dominatrix?
B) The head of a Female Led Relationship?
C) A kinky superfreak?
D) A vanilla soccer mom?
He is an attractive, middle-aged man who frequently wears a chastity device, and is denied orgasms for long periods of time by his wife. He gets up early in the morning to make coffee for her, and works hard to keep himself in shape so she can have appropriate arm candy for her frequent social functions. He massages her back and feet, and often wears a strap-on to have sex with her, so that she can be satisfied the way that she prefers. Naturally, he doesn’t complain about not being allowed to orgasm, and will often tell her that he is willing to go as long as she wants him to, that it’s entirely her decision.
Is this man:
A) A submissive?
B) A bottom?
C) A guy in a Female Led Relationship?
D) A vanilla guy with a kinky streak?
What did you answer? More importantly, how do you think those people would describe themselves?
The people above describe themselves as D in each case. Surprised?
This was inspired by a discussion with Ranat — the details of which are best left to another day — and in the comments I wrote:
I’ve been told a few times that Mrs. Edge and I have a good femdom relationship, and I get categoriezed (for those people who tend to do that kind of thing) in the malesub lists. Yet, Mrs. Edge would never characterize herself as a Domme, and the only real kink that we have is chastity and OD play. I end up with quite a few non-kinky readers who are simply reading my blog for a little tittilation and a little bit about our relationship.
And frankly, I dont’ *feel* like a kinkster, so I don’t particularly classify myself as one. Not that I wouldn’t mind, it’s just that in the context of our current relationship I don’t feel particularly kinky.
Yeah, I know, right?
Based on your writing, I’ve honestly really never thought of you as submissive, but rather as into chastity and involved in kinky/BDSM/submissive man/dominant woman discussions. I’m still actually a little unclear about if you identify as submissive or not (if I went rummaging through your archives long enough I could probably find the answer). Your case also highlights the fact that not everyone who is into A is necessarily into B, C, D, K, and T. Sometimes people are just into A and it doesn’t imply a label or category unless they choose to identify as that.
I finished up with this reply:
I don’t self-identify as submissive. Over the years I’ve topped and bottomed and switched around, and at one point I probably did self-identify as submissive, but now I just tend to see myself as being generally kinky.
Mrs. Edge had a much wilder streak when we were dating, and interestingly does not see herself as kinky at all, let alone dommish. She has, though, made it clear that she prefers to be in control and has never expressed any desire to be restrained.
I mention this because MyKey commented on an article in which I wrote about some particularly kinky dreams that I typically have after several weeks of orgasm denial. He had read my above comment elsewhere, and after reading my post, he couldn’t resist ribbing me a bit:
OMG, that was very very hot!
But… I seem to recall a recent thread somewhere where you said you wouldnt call yoursef submissive. That sure as hell is one submissive dream my friend
See, I no longer know what to make of this. I know that in the right context, i.e., should Mrs. Edge be more overtly dominatrixy (that is, within the context of my perception of what that means), I probably would be more submissive (within the context of my perceptions, etc.). But from my thinking about this over the last couple of years, I’m really not sure that I could define any way of being dommishy or submissivy without resorting to the cultural stereotypes of leather fetish gear and Gorean protocols.
Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit — but only a bit.
Mrs. Edge actually does seem to think of herself as a very ordinary, conservative, religious, middle-class, vanilla woman. So, how does she reconcile her kink for orgasm denial? Simple: she doesn’t. She doesn’t label it. She doesn’t think it’s kinky, so therefore, she isn’t kinky. My CB3000, the strap-on harness, the several dildos… none of them really register. Granted, she does realize it’s not quite in the center of the bell curve, but not far enough out to cause her to give it much thought.
I used to think that my wife was in some kind of denial (the psychological kind), or was perhaps sexuality-challenged, but now in thinking about how much some of us roil in anguish over our kinks, I’m beginning to see the wisdom in this. Like many of the people reading this, I have spent untold hours wondering what makes me kinky, why I like “unnatural” things, why I can’t just be happy having vanilla sex all the time. I wonder — often ruefully — why I can’t get some of those images out of my head. They aren’t all necessarily things that I want to do, but sometimes even having the ideas makes me wonder what might be wrong with me.
Not so, Mrs. Edge, though. On days when I’m feeling insecure (and yes, it still happens), I might ask her what she thinks of me wearing the device. It’s almost like I’m trying to elicit some negative reaction.
“I really enjoy it when you keep me locked up. Doesn’t that worry you?” I’ll ask.
“No, why should it? I like it, too.”
“Well, doesn’t it bother you that you enjoy keeping me locked up?”
“No, why should it? I mean, if you like it, too, then why would I even worry about it?”
Is it because she believes herself to be so solidly vanilla that she never gives it a second thought? Or is it because she simply sees it as “controlling” something (which she tends to do) but ignores the sexual component, so it seems like just one more item on her list? Or is it because she’s not the one who’s actually wearing the device or being denied, so she doesn’t see her life as being any different. I don’t know; Mrs. Edge is one of those E types, and is simply not given to introspection. Any conversation I’ve had with her ends up with her frustratingly simple pronouncement that she simply “enjoys having the control” over me.
Can it all really be just that simple?