The Case of the Freed Penis

I’ll bet that the chastity enthusiasts saw this post title and are expecting a tale of frustrated please, or perhaps a description of a device gone wrong.

No, this post is about the sad, and perhaps pathetic Mr. Albert Freed.

Allow me to quote from the Sexuality & Gender Law Blog:

Albert Freed sued the Hanes underwear company for damages when “his dream trip to Hawaii was ruined as a result of a manufacturing defect in the new underpants his wife had bought him for the trip. It seems that Freed, an admittedly heavy-set fellow, could not fit his entire manly estate into the undies, and the briefs “gaped open and acted like a sandbelt on his privates,” causing him actionable discomfort.

And all this time I’d been concerned about not spilling hot coffee in my lap. Who knew that there were more likely possibilities of injury?

If you can bring yourself to read the S&GL commentary without becoming disgusted at our legal system, click on over to Above the Law, which has a slightly drier account, and a few questions:

A question for the guys out there: How long would it take you to correct a problem involving sandpaper and your penis? Don’t you think penis chafing is something that requires immediate attention and decisive action?

And while we’re here, how long does it take for you to notice your stuff hanging out where it is not supposed to be?

And if you’re so inclined to read a PDF of the court’s final judgment in this case, here it is.

This is the part that gave me pause:

Freed vs HanesJust how out of touch do you have to be in order to not take any steps to check out your manly bits when something is amiss? I mean, two weeks of painful chafing?

More sad is that he felt that he couldn’t ask his wife to take a look, either. I’m totally aware that some people become extremely embarrassed about their genitals and their sexuality, but come on. In two weeks of a vacation to a tropical island, she didn’t have the opportunity or inclination to notice, nor he to ask?

On a side note – as somebody who often goes commando in the warm weather, I found it, well, weird that Mr. Freed has such a non-standard method of donning his undergarments.

Plaintiff testifies that he dresses by placing the underwear inside the pants that he plans to wear that day and pulls both on together.

Guys? Any of you ever hear of this?

This case is sure to generate a lot of head shaking, all the way around.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Head Shaking, Humor, Sex news. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to The Case of the Freed Penis

  1. mosthandysub says:

    Well…in his defense…imagine if he’d gone commando and then spilled coffee in his lap! What then??


  2. Jz says:

    OK, you’ve almost rendered me speechless again. But I will rally this far:
    Even if you can’t see and won’t look- what’s to keep you from purchasing new underwear? I lived in Hawaii for a while. They sell it there, I promise!

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go look for a nice rock I can live under in the future…


  3. Tom Allen says:

    And here’s the thing – the guy is too embarrassed to look at himself in a mirror, or to ask his wife to look for him. But now thousands of people are going to hear about this. Guaranteed that people will be asking him about it at the grocery store.

    I’m still marveling at the weird way to don his underwear.


  4. Billus says:

    “This case is sure to generate a lot of head shaking, all the way around.”

    Maybe if Mr. Freed *had* shaken his head, none of this would have happened…


  5. gillette says:

    I swear the first time I read the title I thought it said “Fried Penis.”



  6. Fusion says:

    Nothing I read about court cases surprises me anymore…. Crazy.


  7. Elle says:

    Ugh. I actually read the whole judgment. People will sue for just about ANYTHING just to get money, it’s disgusting.


  8. susan's pet says:

    I don’t want to get too deeply involved in crap like this. I want to comment in any case.

    If a judge is to make a decision, he should boot the fucker and maybe charge him for frivolous complaint. If there is a jury, I would wish to be on it: I would have him hang by his balls.

    Whew, that felt good!


  9. ptathuk says:

    I’ve not read the case, admittedly. Maybe I am being over generous? Is this guy ‘special’ in some way? Consider a police dog or grizzly bear. They have an IQ of 70 (approx.), and they would not do this, if they wore clothes. I think I’d nominate the guy for a Darwin award.

    On an even more sour note: Here in the UK there appears to be an awful trend to leap into court, even by the police! The press are littered with sillyness:

    A guy went to the aid of someone being set upon by a small group of youths. The guy was the one to end up in court.

    Another: An elderly lady clipped a youth round the ear for unsocial behaviour. Yes, you guessed it; she was the one in court on an assult charge.

    A teacher physically removed a disruptive pupil from his class, as the boy refused to go. He had brought the lesson to a halt. Again yes, the teacher was the one in court.

    Apart from the smaller awards in the UK, I still see the same trend as you have in the US. – Abandon all hope ye who enter here!



  10. I believe that we all have the same entitlement to basic rights, which also means that we cannot have double standards in which some are entitled to those basic rights and others are not. So if violence is against the law, then it is against the law for everybody without exception. I think it is absolutely right for all perpetrators of violence to be sanctioned, no matter who the perpetrators or their targets are. Everybody has absolute rights over their own bodies and I consider any unconsensual transgression of that to be an offense no matter who perpetrates it. The second we start believing that others have more rights over our bodies than we do, that is the moment when wrongnesses such as Mr Freed’s mishap with his underwear are nurtured and encouraged.

    Even aside from all that, non-violence lessons can never be learnt if they are taught using violence. That method can only perpetrate the cycle forever, so it must be stopped somewhere.

    And furthermore, if more of us had less shame and felt more pride and ownership over our bodies, then chances are Mr Freed would have been less likely to have ignored his problem in the hope it went away by itself, instead of confidently facing and caring for his body, checking his penis regularly, and making positive changes when something wasn’t quite right.


  11. Oh, and for those of you who are so eager to characterise court cases as frivolous, you might find some of the less publicised facts about the McDonald’s coffee case of interest.


  12. susan's pet says:

    I think that all has been said of the Mc Donald’s itiotic jury awards. But here I am, another idotic comment on the idiots involved: the so-called victim, her perpetrators, the jury, and the judge.

    An eighthy-some-year old person has shown either smarts living that long, or had been extremely lucky.

    I am not that old, neither that lucky, but I have never had the urge to put coffee between my thighs. It is no different from having a stack of dynamite with a glowing fuse up one’s ass. McDonald is not the the bad guy here, just as in the case of the asshole with the ill-fitting underwear. Stupidity wins on the short run. The problem is when we all have to pay for it.

    I am a promoter of the “Darwin awards” given to the recently departed. This person was a prime candidate, too bad the coffee was not terminal.


  13. Jenifer says:

    Great advice, i’m glad you’re enjoying it. Are there any forums that you recommend I join ?


  14. nursemyra says:

    Too weird. But hilarious


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