Okay, can we stop now?
Really, before y’all even get started, let’s just take ten minutes to gather our senses before you start with the silly “I wonder if…” speculation.
Yes, you know who you are.
This month’s celebrity-who-got-caught is, of course, golf great Tiger Woods, who, despite being married to a hot looking woman, is now linked to a dozen or so mistresses, waitresses, porn actresses, and others. I will leave it to the media pundits to argue about whether Tiger is simply a good guy who got caught up in the celebrity life. I’m not even going to remark on the real sin of hypocrisy. (For those of you not following, golf is generally a game with few such scandals, and Tiger has been heralded as a good, clean-living young man, and a good role model in the sports world.) When I feel like offering my opinions on such matters that don’t concern me, I’ll start submitting articles to Gawker, Jezebel, or one of the other gossip blogs.
But I am going to beg you to please, please stop your idle chatter on the type of chastity belt that Tiger should wear. Or if he would have been a better husband if he had been wearing one. Or if his wife will make it part of the re-negotiated pre-nuptial agreement. Or if wearing one would screw up his swing.
I ask this of you because – as you’ve no doubt heard me say in the past – anyone who thinks a $200 hunk of plastic (or even a $2,000 hunk of stainless steel, for that matter) is going to cure their relationship problems would be much better off spending the money on some therapy.
Chastity devices are, ironically enough, sex toys.
There, I’ve said it.
I don’t care if it’s a ribbon around your cock, a CB3000, a Lori’s Tube, a Steelwerks custom job, or a solid stainless steel Latowski. They are, pure and simple, toys to enhance your sexual play.
Yes, you’ve heard me about modifying my devices to make them more comfortable or secure, but the simple fact is that with enough resources and inclination, any chastity device can be circumvented. It can be by brute force (by breaking or cutting sections) or by stealth means (lock picking, or practicing yoga to slip it off your body), but given enough resources (i.e., time and/or money) the wearer can get around any device. No, don’t even argue – just take that to the bank. Inescapable chastity devices are fantasy. Let’s no inject your fantasy onto the pain of somebody’s private life.
Mrs. Edge knows that I can Macguyver just about anything, which is why we went through some brainstorming before she left for a month in Bangalore this past summer. Our arrangement wasn’t fool-proof, but it did present some challenges that would have been time consuming for me, and if they failed, would have presented some relationship problems. I leave the idea of resources up to the individual. The more important factor is the inclination.
That’s why I cringe whenever I read about some dumb sop who tells his wife “Honey, you should make me wear a chastity device, so you won’t have to worry about me on business trips or when you’re not around.” Look bro — if she wasn’t worried about you cheating before you mentioned it, then she’s sure as hell going to be thinking about it afterward. That’s because your partner is smarter than you are. She’s not placing all of her trust in the technology, she’s placing her trust in the human resources. Know why? Because that’s how it works in a relationship. That’s part of the relating thing.
You say that your partner has an insecure streak and doesn’t trust you anyway. Chastity device? No, therapy is the better answer. Because as she realizes that you can have fantastic sex with your cock locked up, she’ll begin to wonder if you’re doing the same with your co-workers or cocktail waitresses on those business trips.
You say that you’ve already been caught shagging your neighbor, and you think that chastity will help your wife to trust you again? No, therapy is the better answer, of only to discover what is the problem in your marriage that makes you seek solace elsewhere, instead of trying to talk things out.
You say that your wife married you and now won’t put out, and is demanding that you wear a device, or else she’ll divorce you and ask for a bazillion dollars a month in alimony? Chastity, right? No, you need therapy to help you figure out why you seek attention by posting those ridiculous stories in every friggin’ web group.
But we’re getting away from the main point, which is that Tiger Woods does not need a chastity belt; he needs therapy, and he needs to understand how not to allow the fame go to his head. In other words, he needs to stop thinking with his putter. Just like the rest of you who are making those jokes, and thinking you’re so funny. Because, you know, it’s not like those same jokes haven’t been made a dozen times in the last year… and the year before, and the year before that.
So seriously, guys — have fun with your sex toys. And go ahead and fantasize a little bit. But please put the the idea out of your head that your toys will substitute for honest desire or some serious ethical considerations. This is real life, after all, and not a game.
THANK YOU! Of course chastity belts are sex toys…if anyone thinks they are anything else, they need to stop and re-evaluate. Seriously. Thank you for this post!
Fantastic post, Mr. Allen. Thank you once again.
I hate to sound whiny but I have to say I wouldn’t even know where to begin with the rant if I were to vent my anger and sadness caused by too many *beep* posters on so many forums and blogs and websites and so on. It is like these guys are trying to put as many people as posible off this kind of play.
So reading a post that ackowledges that chastity belts are sex toys and orgasm denial is a kind of a kinky game… And seeing again that there are other people out there, trying to convey the message that this kink is best used to *enhance* one’s sex life… is a welcome change 🙂
I can only hope that such posts will help more people understand that these kinks should be used to spice up the relationshiop, not be a substitute for one.
well look at Mr. Allen ranting…well put btw.
Yeah, I’ve been holding it in for a while. I needed a break form blogging, so I’ve been off exploring other web groups. But as usual, the web groups end up ticking me off because I see the same stuff all the time.
Great post. I have not given it thought before but i think you hit the nail on the head,. If someone was thinking of trying to remove a chastity device, that in of itself is cheating also. Basically breaking the bond of trust between the two people.
Some good marriage counseling would good use of his money.
And what is therapy ? Nothing more than “communication”
that is talking.
Hope Tiger still can with his broken tooth, he has the right girl, just needs to hold onto his “putter” ha ha
Good post Tom
Nice perspective Tom
Brilliantly put! I am so 100% in agreement with you A CB is a great sex toy and I love using it on my boy, but it is not going to solve any issues.
In fact I think if used other than as a sex toy it will only highlight and magnify the issues.
Furthermore anybody that thinks that a CB will stop infidelity may need to reconsider their concept of infidelity. That entails sooooo much more than ‘just’ sexual intercourse.
Amen! Tiger Woods is a sex addict, pure and simple. No chastity device will stop him if he’s determined to cheat, and, in fact, could even contribute to the adrenaline rush/ritual cycle of acting out in the process.
Tiger needs serious rehab, not sex toys.
Use of chastity/orgasm denial is a trust issue. You HAVE to have trust in your partner on both sides of the dynamic to engage in it. The keyholder trusts the one being denied won’t try to get out of it. The one being held trusts that at some point, if they play by the rules, they’ll be allowed to get out. How that dynamic plays out depends on the parties and their relationship needs.
Ahhh… so good to hear from you Tom, and your stimulating and rationale wit. Love it….
I am so freakin’ overwhelmingly joyful that you seem to be around for the long haul and are able to say these things with such clarity. Sometime in the future, orgasm control kinks are going to be far better understood and make a lot of people far happier and feel more satisfied with their sex life instead of having the depressing tales you touch on here be so frustratingly common. God fucking bless you, Tom. Seriously. Thank you in advance for making my reincarnation (who’s no doubt also going to have an orgasm control fetish) much happier. 😀
May, I think that I have to blog, because I become such a wet blanket on some of the web groups. I really don’t mean to step on anyone’s fantasy life, but sometimes I think all I do is remind people to *think* before they write.
Ok – I am going to have to write a story using orgasm denial as the erotic content … really great post.
As I wander through the internet (and dinner table talk, and NPR for godsakes) the Tiger Woods issue keeps coming up. I could of course point my pretty little fingers at every other celebrity who’s been forced to act as paragon of virtue, and how well all of those have gone, but I must admit I missed all the chastity stuff. You’re right, of course – this is just silly. I wonder what other fetishes get held up as ways of fixing relationship problems? Woman Getting Uppity? Humiliation Play Will Save! Man’s A Slob? Feminize Him For Your Marriage! Yeesh. Thanks again, Papa Bear, for putting us all back on track.
Helio, did you just call me “Papa Bear”? Have you been peeking at my HNTs?
If someone is a worthless piece of crap, or if he’s not treating his partner right, bdsm in any form is not going to fix it.
I haven’t even read those Tiger-related posts that prompted this rant, but geez, good on you!
The idea that a chastity device is a form of infidelity insurance seems to be touted by both dominants and submissives and it makes me want to smack them both. Seriously, if someone thinks that they need to lock his cock away to stop him from sticking it where it doesn’t belong, and they think that’s actually a valid strategy for dealing with a lack of trust, they have some serious issues!
Indeed. I couldn’t believe it when I came across those sorts of posts in other forums! Thanks for writing the perfect response, as clearly and forcefully as needed.
You’re on fire with a dead on analysis of Tiger and his infidelities. The problem is the mass media fixates on something, and forgets what else is going on around us. I for one am disappointed that the media gets sidetracked so easily. Does anyone know that 4 Navy Seals are being tried for Courts Martial because they captured a Al Quida operative, and bloodied his lip??? The old joke used to be “All the news thats fit to print”. This should be changed to All the news that fits the mantra of the corrupt obama nation.
Leave it to you to be a voice of reason and sanity. I think Tiger’s problems are his own but maybe they shine a light on our own darker natures. Americans tend to need their heros to be unidimensional. Especially their sports heros. I hope that the light caste on Tiger’s private life teaches us that we all have skeletons in our closet. But I doubt if that’s a lesson we will learn. If we didn’t learn it with O.J. Simpson why should we learn it now?
Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse
Love your post. I have to admit, I’ve only heard the barest of “facts” regarding the Tiger Woods incident. Since I first heard that it had something to do with an affair, I’ve been avoiding it. There have been so many stories this year about prominent figures having affairs…and I’m pretty much sick of it. I don’t understand why everyone is so interested. It’s very unlikely that the public will actually hear all the facts, and why should they?
I suppose it’s because of my poly leanings that it gets on my nerves. It bugs me that relationships outside of a marriage always constitute cheating (to the public and media).
I’d like to expand on the sex toy aspect of this wonderful, insightful posting by positing the notion that not only are chastity belts sex toys, but the vast majority of them are more akin to cheap kinky party favors than to celibacy control devices. Take the vaunted & mythologized CB-2000 (and all its variant models). Despite the collective suspension of disbelief required to continue to sing its praises, the device’s purpose can be handily defeated simply by gently pulling one’s flaccid genitalia out of the tube. Unless one attaches the tube to the penis with a lock through a frenum or PA piercing, the CB-2000, like most “chastity belts,” is more likely fodder for masturbation than a product to foil it. wm
You are funny. “Chastity devices are, ironically enough, sex toys.” I have maintainted that thought all along. All that stuff about male chastity is fantasy. Any bolt cutter will do the undoing if necessary. It’s fun though, while it lasts. It’s not the device that does the thrill, but the person behind it. And I don’t mean you. You know, the female.
I really don’t give a shit about Tiger. I just don’t have any use for jocks in general, be it football or such. The sooner the subject is dropped, the less irritated I will be with the so-called news.
I’m with ya brother Tom. Though I do believe that deep down within the spirit of “put him in chastity” is a message that taking an interest in each other’s sexuality and interest is a positive and unifying step in a relationship.
Unfortunately most everyone in our world thinks that there has to be a quick and simple fix. A magic pill. A newer shiny whatsit. A magical cure to the ills of their life.
Well, at least that’s what the ads tell us 😉
Hey, tom, could I ask I favor? Could you correct the link to my blog on your list? The link is actually http://cricketedlover.wordpress.com
Ever wonder why we care?? I mean seriously? why do we care what Tiger may or may not do?
Like one reader said – if there are problems … this aint gona fix it!
Tom, I must agree with you 100%, chastity devices are sex toys, not cure-alls for a troubled relationship.
As for Tiger, I must admit that I’ve not been following the story, rather thinking that no one’s sex life should be aired on the nightly news.
I do wonder though if the deeper problem is not an impossible expectation that the vast majority of people seem to share. The expectation that people should be, or need to be, monogamous.
Certainly the vast majority of American’s do not practice monogamy. Hidden infidelity is rampant in our society, as are divorces and remarriages that cannot be called monogamy but at best are a ‘serial monogamy.’
I wonder, why if we have shown ourselves incapable of traditional monogamy do we continue to insist upon it or view it as something that must be striven for? Why do we as a society not recognize that the vast majority are incapable of achieving it and embrace polyamory? Better yet, given how little monogamy is actually practiced, why do we believe it to be a good thing? If it was good, would not more people actually do it?
I know that I’ve gotten a bit off topic here, but those are the questions this media abuse of Tiger Woods raise in my own mind.
Loads of wisdom here – including yours!
I’d like to add my vote to:
1. Chastity devices are indeed sex toys
2. Tiger Woods is of no importance to me. I never understand the need to gossip about another person, as if the gossiper’s life depended on it.
3. Re other forums – anyone can add a comment. It is impossible to escape the full range of the human condition. I feel that for everything there is a first time. So, when someone comes out with something stupid, I’d like to think that with a little time, they could read enough to add to their views, and be a little more wise. I think IQ is given, but wisdom is earned. The earning takes a little longer for some!
Large soap box this time! Keep up the good work
“Better yet, given how little monogamy is actually practiced, why do we believe it to be a good thing?”
That would be kids.
They tend to get a bit confused if they have to learn the names of every new person mom or dad decides they want to fuck.
Hey great post…I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and we are all looking forward to more ‘wisdom” from you in 2010!
Question: Does Mrs. Edge keep you under control thru the holidays or do you get so time off?
Have a great Holiday!
Merry xmas Tom xx
And the irony is that Mr. Miller came up with the CB-2000 originally because he was disgusted with businessmen away from home thinking they had carte blanche to be unfaithful without the ‘little woman’ finding out about it.
My wife and I have been doing chastity play for about a year and a half now, and it’s always been “play.” In fact it was my kink that she lovingly indulged, but rarely initiated play of her own initiative.
We’ve never bothered with any of those tropes about chastity making me a “better husband” or “controlling my masterbation” (though I do find that doing household chores is more enjoyable – has an erotic edge to it – if it’s something I’m “required” to do in order to get unlocked someday). I’m digessing – most important, infidelity has never, ever, EVER been a problem in our marriage. I’ve never even come close to straying, and the thought of it is not the least bit erotic to me, and I’ve always made the effort to make sure my wife knows she means the world to me.
So I was a bit surprised that in the wake of this Tiger Woods deal, three or four times now she’s brought up the story and mentioned chastity devices. “He could hae used one of those…”, that sort of drift.
This story has really bugged her. It’s not like news stories about cheating celebrities are new, but for some reason (he seemed different is her best guess), Tiger Woods hit a nerve.
And I did notice that when she unlocked me for a Christmas present, when I got out of the shower afterwards, she was waiting with the CB in her hand and ordered me to put it back on ASAP. Which was a first.
We talked, there’s no problem. In fact, things are really good. She’s taken two mental notes from this story. One, seeng someone else’s marriage falling apart is a good reminder to work extra hard on yours – and playing more in the bedroom is one of the most fun was to do that. Two, she experienced a little third-hand sense of loss of control from Elin Nordgren, and the feeling of control from holding my key was extra good to her.
So, I guess I’m profiting from Tiger’s misery.
I know you’ve not been well via Nurse Myra’s blog. I hope you’re feeling better for your sake and also mine – I’m hanging out for a new post from you!
I just stumbled across this blog yesterday, while looking for info about male chastity stuff.
I am a relatively vanilla woman who is married to a kinky man with a porn addiction who is getting dangerously close to crossing the line between fantasizing and adultery. Polyamory is fine if that’s what you have signed up for, but I didn’t, and I’m not going to tolerate cheating.
Anyway, one of his favorite fantasies is chastity, and being made to submit to my (or, I suspect, any woman’s) whims if he wants to be allowed to orgasm. Now, I’m not stupid enough to think that if I indulge him in this fantasy and actually *do* lock him up, this will keep him loyal to me. I am wondering, however, if it could be used effectively as a tool to help him curb his addiction. Obviously that wouldn’t be the only thing we would do. I also wonder if it would help me enjoy being dominant more–it really doesn’t come naturally to me at all.
Any thoughts from men who have been locked up?
Sooooo well put, I TOTALLY AGREE!!! Plus, I can’t really be hypocritical here…I kinda have a weakness for married men as I’ve well documented on my blog SexiKimber.com 😛
My wife and I have an open relationship and would not want to use any chastity metheds but for some men or women I guess it would be a good idea lol.
I have never thought about the use of a chastity belt or other item but I would like to look into this more and maybe Wright a review.
thank you. Of course chastity belts are sex toys…
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