Chastity Therapy

Okay, can we stop now?

Really, before y’all even get started, let’s just take ten minutes to gather our senses before you start with the silly “I wonder if…” speculation.

Yes, you know who you are.

This month’s celebrity-who-got-caught is, of course, golf great Tiger Woods, who, despite being married to a hot looking woman, is now linked to a dozen or so mistresses, waitresses, porn actresses, and others. I will leave it to the media pundits to argue about whether Tiger is simply a good guy who got caught up in the celebrity life. I’m not even going to remark on the real sin of hypocrisy. (For those of you not following, golf is generally a game with few such scandals, and Tiger has been heralded as a good, clean-living young man, and a good role model in the sports world.) When I feel like offering my opinions on such matters that don’t concern me, I’ll start submitting articles to Gawker, Jezebel, or one of the other gossip blogs.

But I am going to beg you to please, please stop your idle chatter on the type of chastity belt that Tiger should wear. Or if he would have been a better husband if he had been wearing one. Or if his wife will make it part of the re-negotiated pre-nuptial agreement. Or if wearing one would screw up his swing.

I ask this of you because – as you’ve no doubt heard me say in the past – anyone who thinks a $200 hunk of plastic (or even a $2,000 hunk of stainless steel, for that matter) is going to cure their relationship problems would be much better off spending the money on some therapy.

Chastity devices are, ironically enough, sex toys.

There, I’ve said it.

I don’t care if it’s a ribbon around your cock, a CB3000, a Lori’s Tube, a Steelwerks custom job, or a solid stainless steel Latowski. They are, pure and simple, toys to enhance your sexual play.

Yes, you’ve heard me about modifying my devices to make them more comfortable or secure, but the simple fact is that with enough resources and inclination, any chastity device can be circumvented. It can be by brute force (by breaking or cutting sections) or by stealth means (lock picking, or practicing yoga to slip it off your body), but given enough resources (i.e., time and/or money) the wearer can get around any device. No, don’t even argue – just take that to the bank. Inescapable chastity devices are fantasy. Let’s no inject your fantasy onto the pain of somebody’s private life.

Mrs. Edge knows that I can Macguyver just about anything, which is why we went through some brainstorming before she left for a month in Bangalore this past summer. Our arrangement wasn’t fool-proof, but it did present some challenges that would have been time consuming for me, and if they failed, would have presented some relationship problems. I leave the idea of resources up to the individual. The more important factor is the inclination.

That’s why I cringe whenever I read about some dumb sop who tells his wife “Honey, you should make me wear a chastity device, so you won’t have to worry about me on business trips or when you’re not around.” Look bro — if she wasn’t worried about you cheating before you mentioned it, then she’s sure as hell going to be thinking about it afterward. That’s because your partner is smarter than you are. She’s not placing all of her trust in the technology, she’s placing her trust in the human resources. Know why? Because that’s how it works in a relationship. That’s part of the relating thing.

You say that your partner has an insecure streak and doesn’t trust you anyway. Chastity device? No, therapy is the better answer. Because as she realizes that you can have fantastic sex with your cock locked up, she’ll begin to wonder if you’re doing the same with your co-workers or cocktail waitresses on those business trips.

You say that you’ve already been caught shagging your neighbor, and you think that chastity will help your wife to trust you again? No, therapy is the better answer, of only to discover what is the problem in your marriage that makes you seek solace elsewhere, instead of trying to talk things out.

You say that your wife married you and now won’t put out, and is demanding that you wear a device, or else she’ll divorce you and ask for a bazillion dollars a month in alimony? Chastity, right? No, you need therapy to help you figure out why you seek attention by posting those ridiculous stories in every friggin’ web group.

But we’re getting away from the main point, which is that Tiger Woods does not need a chastity belt; he needs therapy, and he needs to understand how not to allow the fame go to his head. In other words, he needs to stop thinking with his putter. Just like the rest of you who are making those jokes, and thinking you’re so funny. Because, you know, it’s not like those same jokes haven’t been made a dozen times in the last year… and the year before, and the year before that.

So seriously, guys — have fun with your sex toys. And go ahead and fantasize a little bit. But please put the the idea out of your head that your toys will substitute for honest desire or some serious ethical considerations. This is real life, after all, and not a game.