Yeah, around the holidays the Edge household always seems to have visitors, making my access to the naughtier better parts of the internet a bit more sketchy. I manage to get time to read a little here and there, but not enough time to think and write seriously. My work PC is still messed up, and despite a couple of trips to the office, I have to spend more time cleaning up the pile of papers that seems to amass over the year.
But I had an hour or two to myself this morning, and stumbled across one of those humorous internet time-wasters that end up blowing your entire free time. No, it’s not Farmville, or one of those other annoying Facebook games that your friends try to get you to play. No, it’s not the latest political parodies on Youtube. No, it’s not even the Best/Worst List of something-or-other for the month/year/decade.
It’s apparently a viral marketing ad for a British friend finder website, which has little 20 second “instructional videos” on various Kama Sutra positions. I’m not sure how accurate they are supposed to be; I don’t have my copy handy, but I’m pretty sure that the Sutras did not actually have a position called “The Prison Guard,” not that the name doesn’t conjure up some interesting fantasies.
Anyway, if you’re looking to waste some time for the next few hours, check out My Karma Sutra Buddy. It’s not exactly work safe, but the actors are dressed in bikinis, so there’s no wabbly bits to offend anyone.You can pair off the male and female models to demonstrate the various listed (16) positions. That means there are 3 x 3 x 16 = 144 possible combinations.
That said, anyone looking to be offended will note that there are six actors, three men and three women. One pair is “normal”, i.e., young and athletic looking. However, to play it for laughs the other buddies are a huge man, a large woman, and a pair of dwarfs. Presumably, the humor comes from the odd pairings, and indeed, the actors themselves engage in some laughter when trying positions that simply are not going to work, or would likely result in injury.
I’m not going to rant about how it’s okay to poke fun at short or fat people, though. I mean, hell, as most of us know, sex is — should be — fun, but some things simply don’t work, no matter how energetic or inventive you are. The Kama Sutra itself cautions against certain parings:
Kind of Union
MAN is divided into three classes, viz. the hare man, the bull man, and the horse man, according to the size of his lingam.
Woman also, according to the depth of her yoni, is either a female deer, a mare, or a female elephant.
There are thus three equal unions between persons of corresponding dimensions, and there are six unequal unions, when the dimensions do not correspond, or nine in all, as the following table shows:
EQUAL UNEQUAL MEN WOMEN MEN WOMEN Hare Deer Hare Mare Bull Mare Hare Elephant Horse Elephant Bull Deer Bull Elephant Horse Deer Horse Mare
Now, it’s been a long snce since I’ve actually read the sutras (as opposed to simply looking at the pictrues), so it was with interest that I read the following notes on arousal and satisfaction:
Auddalika says, ‘Females do not emit as males do. The males simply remove their desire, while the females, from their consciousness of desire, feel a certain kind of pleasure, which gives them satisfaction, but it is impossible for them to tell you what kind of pleasure they feel. The fact from which this becomes evident is, that males, when engaged in coition, cease of themselves after emission, and are satisfied, but it is not so with females.’
This opinion is however objected to on the grounds that, if a male be a long-timed, the female loves him the more, but if he be short-timed, she is dissatisfied with him. And this circumstance, some say, would prove that the female emits also.
But this opinion does not hold good, for if it takes a long time to allay a woman’s desire, and during this time she is enjoying great pleasure, it is quite natural then that she should wish for its continuation. And on this subject there is a verse as follows:
‘By union with men the lust, desire, or passion of women is satisfied, and the pleasure derived from the consciousness of it is called their satisfaction.’
The followers of Babhravya, however, say that the semen of women continues to fall from the beginning of the sexual union to its end, and it is right that it should be so, for if they had no semen there would be no embryo.
To this there is an objection. In the beginning of coition the passion of the woman is middling, and she cannot bear the vigorous thrusts of her lover, but by degrees her passion increases until she ceases to think about her body, and then finally she wishes to stop from further coition.
This objection, however, does not hold good, for even in ordinary things that revolve with great force, such as a potter’s wheel, or a top, we find that the motion at first is slow, but by degrees it becomes very rapid. In the same way the passion of the woman having gradually increased, she has a desire to discontinue coition, when all the semen has fallen away. And there is a verse with regard to this as follows:
‘The fall of the semen of the man takes place only at the end of coition, while the semen of the woman falls continually, and after the semen of both has all fallen away then they wish for the discontinuance of coition.’ 2
It’s worth noting that despite the reputation as a sex guide, sexual positions are really a small part; the majority of the texts are actually writings and observations on seduction and courtship. I recommend it as a fun and interesting read for a wintry evening. You can find it on the Sacred Texts website.
Anyway, this was supposed to be a fun post.
And Happy New Year from the Edge of Vanilla Laboratories.