Time and Punishment: Some dynamics of male chastity in marriage

I often get emails from people asking whether or not Mrs. Edge and I have a chastity contract, or some kind of agreement as to how long I will be locked up. And often, they seem surprised when I explain that we don’t. That’s because we, um… we just don’t. We don’t have a contract, nor do we use games of chance, dice rolls, random numbers, or a dartboard, or even some kind of point system. Yes, I suppose this makes us boring and unimaginative, but that’s how we roll.

Partly, we can’t be bothered with rolling dice, or keeping track of days, or doing all the accounting with the points and demerits that some people like to use. Sure, if it makes denial fun for them, then that’s great. For us, it’s just a hassle. We’ve got enough things to keep track of. I mean, I can barely remember to get to the bank and the dry cleaner on the weekend.

But mainly, we don’t have a contract because Mrs. Edge thinks that if we’re going to play with this, then it should be totally up to her. Enforced chastity is a power exchange; Mrs. Edge thinks that a contract, or a dice toss, or a lotto pick takes the power away from her. Even a point system creates an obligation on her part, should I reach a particular goal. “Hey, I’ll have 100 points after I wash your car; that means you’ll have to let me out tonight!” My point is when we decided to explore this, the thing that made it hot for both of us was to give her 100% of the decision making power. I never know when she will allow me out, or allow an orgasm if she does. It might be a couple of weeks, a month, or several months. But it’s up to her, and that’s how we like it.

At first, we used to go for long periods between orgasms (i.e., mine) because she felt that once she let me out, then the game was over. But in the last year or so, she’s come to realize that it doesn’t have to be over, that she can allow me to orgasm, and then immediately lock me back up. Or let me out for a week, and then put me back in. Or let me out, but under the condition that I have to ask permission for an orgasm (which isn’t always granted). We’re just discovering a range of possibilities that make it interesting for her (and me), none of which involve removing her control.

A while back, I was having a conversation about this on a web group, and I had a difficult time getting the point across that “being nice” didn’t change how long I was going to be locked up. Since I already do a lot of cooking, errands, bathroom cleaning, and other household chores, I can’t really be much “nicer” without cutting into my sleep time (or blogging time). More importantly, though, since I never know how long it’s going to be, then there’s no way for me to “earn” an early release. As far as Mrs. Edge is concerned, I should be making her coffee every morning, orgasm or not; cooking dinner in hopes of getting a release is, in her mind, inappropriate begging. And too, during periods when I’m busy at work, then she cooks dinner more often. When it’s slow and I can get home earlier, then I cook more often. We split up the household chores according to whoever happens to be around to do them.

This raises an interesting dynamic in our relationship. If I can’t earn an early release, then I don’t have a lot of motivation to be extra nice. On the flip side, because I never know how long I’m going to be locked up, then she can’t threaten me with longer periods without orgasm. So essentially, our playing with orgasm control has little or no bearing on the rest of our relationship, at least, with regard to controlling my behavior in other aspects.

I hadn’t really thought about this much until recently when a question posted in another group brought this into a new perspective for me.

I’m just curious if what happens the the man in chasity [sic] if he has a fight with his wife (keyholder). […] How does the keyhold punish the man when this happens? Or does the chastize man actually never argue with his woman again?

And here the inherent paradox of enforced chastity or denial in relationships became clear to me. It also points out why it — mostly — works for us. In our relationship, orgasm denial is not punishment. A longer period of time is not a penalty, nor is an orgasm a special treat to be earned. When we play, we’re both doing something that we enjoy.

The paradox is familiar to those who enjoy some kind of masochistic sensation play. If you enjoy being flogged, the pain may be torture, but it’s not punishment. Yes, it may hurt while it’s happening, but a week later you’re remembering how it felt, and fantasizing about the next time. Likewise with chastity play — generally, men bring up the idea with their partners, often putting some kind of spin on it like “I masturbate too much” or “it will make me more agreeable” or the insidious “you can use it to get me to do more chores.” The idea presented is that by regulating his orgasms, you can change or modify his behavior through some kind of operant conditioning using rewards (orgasms) and punishments (more denial). But if the person who is being denied sort of enjoys the idea in the first place, is it really punishment?

Last night, as Mrs. Edge and I were snuggling after an evening quickie, I asked her if she thought she was punishing me when she locked me up for long periods. She immediately denied thinking along those terms, and during a quick discussion she decided that it was mutual pleasure — although she was hard pressed to decide who was getting more enjoyment out of it.

Then she told me to shut up and spoon her until she fell asleep.

So, for those of you wondering why we don’t have a contract, the answer is that we don’t consider what we do to be punishment or reward. We simply enjoy the exchange of power and what it brings for each of us. I enjoy the heady rush of hormonal frustration, and the heightened level of sexual arousal. Mrs. Edge enjoys the attention that I give her during those periods. True, this won’t work for everybody, but by stripping away the idea that orgasm (as opposed to the intimacy itself) is a reward, we’ve discovered a way to make what some people consider a punishment become extremely pleasurable.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Birdlock, CB2000, CB3000, CB6000, chastity, Chastity & Orgasm Denial, Chastity Devices, male chastity, orgasm control, orgasm denial, Sexuality & Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

41 Responses to Time and Punishment: Some dynamics of male chastity in marriage

  1. >The paradox is familiar to those who enjoy some kind of masochistic sensation play. If you enjoy being flogged, the pain may be torture, but it’s not punishment.

    This drove my wife crazy. She loves to punish me, but I enjoy just about everything she could throw at me. It took a lot of talking to convince her that it still hurts and that it’s okay if the punishment is fun. That’s why we are doing it, after all.

    But she’s a sneaky one. She learned how to push my buttons. Yes, I like being forced to kneel, so she makes me kneel on rice if I’ve been bad.

    You really can’t think about the paradox too much. Luckily, it seems to go away when you become comfortable with each other.

  2. roo-roo says:

    Abso-freakin’-lutely. So many people try to justify being into t&d, or to put some sort of reason behind it. Isn’t the fact that you both find it hot reason enough?

  3. Jz says:

    Fun is romping in a big open field with no fences and no obstacles.
    Regiment it with rules and expectations and you’ve just created a chore.
    I’m more a field kind of gal, myself.

    • Tom Allen says:

      Jz, while I’m the same way, I would argue that the existence of the Goreans, the dozens of various protocols that you find in the BDSM world, and the frequent stereotyping of roles seems to point to the fact that a lot of people *do* enjoy those fences. I often wonder if some of them get off on the rules, rather than on the relationships.

    • Jz says:

      Yes, I forgot to post the “This Is Just One Woman’s Opinion” sign.
      And, you’re right, the rules are too prevalent for us to ignore that they must be meaningful for a lot of people.
      Along that line, because I was speaking of the big picture at the time, I neglected to mention that rules within any one play session are fine, too. I was referring to the “It Is Always Done Like THIS!!” type of rule.
      Just to be clear…

  4. Billus says:

    I think this is another example of how a stereotypical aspect of this sort of interaction becomes yet another millstone around the neck of couples who feel they’re ‘doing it wrong’ if it’s not punishment. Just like women not wearing the whole leather/corset/whip ensemble or men who dare to still think of themselves as equal partners when they’re dressed are obviously ‘not doing it right’. Can somebody tell me where the ‘official rules’ are posted?

  5. Gypsi says:

    Your level-headedness is refreshing. I’m now a fan.

  6. Shadow Lady says:

    I totally agree with this post. I so get it, because the power dynamic is similar in my relationship
    Chastity and other play for us about power exchange not about anything else. Control is given to me and I decide what and where and how.
    He can ask anything, I decide if it is granted. Will being nicer help? Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t. Depends on my mood.

  7. nursemyra says:

    Power play in a committed relationship is extremely hot however you choose to play it out

  8. Aarkey says:

    Brilliantly put Tom. I’ll add that in my marriage, any sort of point system or scale or whatever becomes a responsibility and burden for my wife to be mindful of and have to track.

    And ideally for us, my chastity isn’t a burden for her. That’s the ideal… and we’re working for it. I’m still a whole lot needier than you are – and I do know quite well that both ruined orgasms or prostate manipulation after a long period of chastity is a punishment… but the whole point isn’t about that for us. At least, ideally. 😉

    BTW – one of the best ways to punish a masochist is to deny them punishment.

    • Tom Allen says:

      Hmm. She doesn’t ruin my orgasms, but she has teased me about keeping me in the cage and using the Hitachi on me to give me a very fast – and unsatisfying – release. And then she can use that as an excuse to keep me locked up for a few more months.

  9. cricketed says:

    I hear you. However, from a legal perspective, the ironic essence of a chastity contract is that it is unconscionable, i.e., that it is extremely favorable to the party with the superior bargaining power, and therefore not a contract at all. There is no spoon.

  10. aphrael says:

    I think this is right on, from my experience. I mean … sure, I find the idea of being punished hot, and it can get me all excited. But it’s not related to orgasm denial; orgasm denial as a form of behavior modification wouldn’t work for me because … i’m turned on by being denied, and so it’s not like denying me would encourage me in any way to change my behavior.

  11. scott Kelly says:

    Hi Tom,

    This was a great post. Em and I thought it hit the bullseye. We’ve never had a contract. If the whole fetish is about the keyholder controlling the chaste male’s pleasure, orgasms, access to sex, etc. then She/He makes the rules. Of course, in reality, there’s give and take in all things shared like this. Pleasure is at the bottom of it. Without pleasure no one would be doing it.

    I thought that a long period chastity, until Em’s finished with her career change mid-2011 was an aesthetically pleasing goal. We’d never gone that long before and my chastity ordeal would mirror her retraining ordeal. But, when all is said and done, it’s Em’s choice to make. We like it that way!

    Best,

    scott
    Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse

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  36. Lenny says:

    Now I understand why I do not get the things that I read about chastity. Guys begging their wives to lock them up and then trying to escape or figuring out how to masturbate. I never understood the dice and other games for the reasons you stated. My wife does not want dice telling her when she has to give me an orgasm. I tell people that I am. Ot at odds with my wife where she is trying to deny me and I am trying to pick the lock to escape. We both want to prevent my orgasms until she is ready. I do not call her Mistress but will do some extra nice things for her during our chastity play. Like you there are no threats or rewards. It simply happens when it happens. Thanks for giving my thoughts a cohesive voice.

  37. Gaias Pet says:

    My mistress and I do not have a contract either. She has determined that I will only be (relatively) sure of being allowed to ejaculate inside her just four times per year. She may allow me to be inside her for her pleasure more often but those times I am not allowed to ejaculate inside her. Sometimes she may allow me to cum, either on her feet or by humping her thigh. Mostly by making love to her feet: we call it doing “Cummy Toes”. I must lick her feet or thigh clean of all ejaculate. I am only allowed to cum with her permission and it is entirely up to her when that may happen. It is mid June and I have not been allowed inside her since January, our anniversary, which time I was allowed to cum inside her too. I only see her undressed when we have sex. And I may touch her intimately (breasts, butt, vulva, by asking and obtaining her permission.

    So all forms of sex, sexual contact and my sexuality are entirely under her absolute control. What and when sexual contact happens is entirely at her sole discretion. Not points, dice, reward system, or succombing to even tearful begging.

    I may not always enjoy hearing her say no to sex or my pleas to cum when I am sporting a raging erection and suffering from full balls, but I can tell you that it is breathtaking to be under the control of a strong powerful woman who also enjoys her dominance and my submission to her.

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