Time and Punishment: Some dynamics of male chastity in marriage

I often get emails from people asking whether or not Mrs. Edge and I have a chastity contract, or some kind of agreement as to how long I will be locked up. And often, they seem surprised when I explain that we don’t. That’s because we, um… we just don’t. We don’t have a contract, nor do we use games of chance, dice rolls, random numbers, or a dartboard, or even some kind of point system. Yes, I suppose this makes us boring and unimaginative, but that’s how we roll.

Partly, we can’t be bothered with rolling dice, or keeping track of days, or doing all the accounting with the points and demerits that some people like to use. Sure, if it makes denial fun for them, then that’s great. For us, it’s just a hassle. We’ve got enough things to keep track of. I mean, I can barely remember to get to the bank and the dry cleaner on the weekend.

But mainly, we don’t have a contract because Mrs. Edge thinks that if we’re going to play with this, then it should be totally up to her. Enforced chastity is a power exchange; Mrs. Edge thinks that a contract, or a dice toss, or a lotto pick takes the power away from her. Even a point system creates an obligation on her part, should I reach a particular goal. “Hey, I’ll have 100 points after I wash your car; that means you’ll have to let me out tonight!” My point is when we decided to explore this, the thing that made it hot for both of us was to give her 100% of the decision making power. I never know when she will allow me out, or allow an orgasm if she does. It might be a couple of weeks, a month, or several months. But it’s up to her, and that’s how we like it.

At first, we used to go for long periods between orgasms (i.e., mine) because she felt that once she let me out, then the game was over. But in the last year or so, she’s come to realize that it doesn’t have to be over, that she can allow me to orgasm, and then immediately lock me back up. Or let me out for a week, and then put me back in. Or let me out, but under the condition that I have to ask permission for an orgasm (which isn’t always granted). We’re just discovering a range of possibilities that make it interesting for her (and me), none of which involve removing her control.

A while back, I was having a conversation about this on a web group, and I had a difficult time getting the point across that “being nice” didn’t change how long I was going to be locked up. Since I already do a lot of cooking, errands, bathroom cleaning, and other household chores, I can’t really be much “nicer” without cutting into my sleep time (or blogging time). More importantly, though, since I never know how long it’s going to be, then there’s no way for me to “earn” an early release. As far as Mrs. Edge is concerned, I should be making her coffee every morning, orgasm or not; cooking dinner in hopes of getting a release is, in her mind, inappropriate begging. And too, during periods when I’m busy at work, then she cooks dinner more often. When it’s slow and I can get home earlier, then I cook more often. We split up the household chores according to whoever happens to be around to do them.

This raises an interesting dynamic in our relationship. If I can’t earn an early release, then I don’t have a lot of motivation to be extra nice. On the flip side, because I never know how long I’m going to be locked up, then she can’t threaten me with longer periods without orgasm. So essentially, our playing with orgasm control has little or no bearing on the rest of our relationship, at least, with regard to controlling my behavior in other aspects.

I hadn’t really thought about this much until recently when a question posted in another group brought this into a new perspective for me.

I’m just curious if what happens the the man in chasity [sic] if he has a fight with his wife (keyholder). […] How does the keyhold punish the man when this happens? Or does the chastize man actually never argue with his woman again?

And here the inherent paradox of enforced chastity or denial in relationships became clear to me. It also points out why it — mostly — works for us. In our relationship, orgasm denial is not punishment. A longer period of time is not a penalty, nor is an orgasm a special treat to be earned. When we play, we’re both doing something that we enjoy.

The paradox is familiar to those who enjoy some kind of masochistic sensation play. If you enjoy being flogged, the pain may be torture, but it’s not punishment. Yes, it may hurt while it’s happening, but a week later you’re remembering how it felt, and fantasizing about the next time. Likewise with chastity play — generally, men bring up the idea with their partners, often putting some kind of spin on it like “I masturbate too much” or “it will make me more agreeable” or the insidious “you can use it to get me to do more chores.” The idea presented is that by regulating his orgasms, you can change or modify his behavior through some kind of operant conditioning using rewards (orgasms) and punishments (more denial). But if the person who is being denied sort of enjoys the idea in the first place, is it really punishment?

Last night, as Mrs. Edge and I were snuggling after an evening quickie, I asked her if she thought she was punishing me when she locked me up for long periods. She immediately denied thinking along those terms, and during a quick discussion she decided that it was mutual pleasure — although she was hard pressed to decide who was getting more enjoyment out of it.

Then she told me to shut up and spoon her until she fell asleep.

So, for those of you wondering why we don’t have a contract, the answer is that we don’t consider what we do to be punishment or reward. We simply enjoy the exchange of power and what it brings for each of us. I enjoy the heady rush of hormonal frustration, and the heightened level of sexual arousal. Mrs. Edge enjoys the attention that I give her during those periods. True, this won’t work for everybody, but by stripping away the idea that orgasm (as opposed to the intimacy itself) is a reward, we’ve discovered a way to make what some people consider a punishment become extremely pleasurable.