I’m in chastity, not in-capacitated

People are funny.

I socialize in some online forums in which my profile page links to this blog. Some people check it out, but as far as I can tell, most don’t. We’re all so busy with our own lives that we rarely have time to investigate the interests and writings of others, and that’s fine. I don’t check out all the other profiles, either.

Anyway, it may or may not surprise you to learn that I flirt a little with my online friends. Harmless banter, since a) I have no intention (or desire) of carrying on an online affair, b) I’m not going to do so in public, and c) I’m certainly not going to do it with somebody who lives 2,500 miles away (and in case Mrs. Edge is reading, it’s really just “a” — the other two are invalid).

Apparently, though, somebody checked my profile, perused this blog, and remarked upon some of my virtual eyelid batting with something to the effect of  “How can you flirt like that? Aren’t you locked up?”

Wow. I didn’t realize that slapping a hunk of plastic on my junk made me a non-sexual being. It’s only my cock that’s under control, not my sexuality.

Well, maybe that’s not entirely correct. Apparently, the idea of enforced (i.e., using a device) chastity evokes feelings of humiliation and emasculation, as I learned last year. And along similar lines, there was some discussion over at Thumper’s and Maymay’s about the idea that chastity — or more specifically, orgasm denial — enhances one’s submission (i.e., feelings thereof).

Personally, I’ve been reading so much about what people consider to be “submission” and “submissiveness” that I have decided to disassociate myself from the term altogether; virtually nothing of what I’ve been reading seems to apply to me, so instead of trying to defend my own submissiveness, or more correctly, those certain feelings that I get that I used to associate with submissiveness, I’m just going to move on to some other scale and call it something else. Or maybe I won’t call it anything; I’ll just feel them and describe what I can.

Above case in point — being locked up does not make me feel less manly, less assertive, less randy, or less anything. It makes me feel … more. When I’m locked up for long periods, I still desire to have sex — penetrative sex –and so I still try to ply my manly charms with Mrs. Edge, even though I know I will have to use her strap-on. Why? Because, hearing her moan, feeling her scratch my back, listening to her satisfied sighs — you know, fucking her — makes me feel hot, randy, manly, almost animalistically lustful. And again, that’s what Mrs. Edge enjoys. I’m not being punished, and she doesn’t see me as emasculated. She sees a sexual being — a man — over which she has some control. That makes her hot. And seeing her hot makes me hot. It’s not the denial, it’s the mutual satisfaction.

It’s amusing to see that the selling points for male chastity devices tend to focus on either making your man more “romantic”, or on making him do more household chores. Thumper’s reprint of the old xkcd comic shows that stereotype holds even in the vanilla world — women seem to want manly housemaids. But is this actually true, or is it a stereotype that plays on the idea that sex is something that men want, and  women parcel out according to whim?

Look, Mrs. Edge and I both work full time — more than full time, actually. We’d love to have more maid service around here because by the end of the week we just want to collapse on the sofa. But seriously? She can go to the Korean salon down the street to get her nails done anytime, and since our work, child care, and social schedules dictate who will cook or clean, having “maid service”  from me isn’t a particularly big turn on for her. And frankly, it’s not an especially big turn on for me, either. I mean, I do those things, but they don’t give me any sense of sexual satisfaction — I’m just happy to do them (usually, when it’s not interfering with anything else I happen to be doing) because it seems to increase the overall level of happiness in the relationship. But I don’t sit around daydreaming of her ordering me to pick up her dry cleaning, nor do I get aroused when I see her “expressing her dominance by masterfully directing me” and a handful of others in preparing a dinner for a charity event. I mean, to me, those are just chores. I do them because those are the kinds of things that you do when you have a relationship. Seriously, I’m not even aroused as I write this.

So, obviously there’s something wrong with me, at least with regard to my submissive kink for being controlled. I get up early to make coffee, and bring her a cup when it’s done. But that doesn’t give me a hard-on, nor do I drip with sexual excitement; I do it because I get up earlier to work out, and I like my coffee when I’m done. I run the vacuum around the house once in a while — but I don’t do it in her panties, nor with any hope that doing a nice job will reward me with even more chores; I do it because it needs to get done. I clean the bathrooms, but that’s because she’s doing the laundry. On weeks when I’m not working late, I cook more often. During the warm weather, I clean less often — but that’s because I’m usually outside cutting brush, taking trash to the dump, and doing other yard work.

The other day we were bickering about doing some kitchen chore at the church, when, frustrated, I said “You’re not the boss of me!

And that sound you suddenly hear is the click-clacking of keyboards as a dozen writers of FLR blogs remove my name from their blogroll.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in CB2000, CB3000, CB6000, chastity, male chastity, Sexuality & Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to I’m in chastity, not in-capacitated

  1. Sulpicia says:

    AH. Tom. You made me laugh today. And I needed that. There are so many quotables in this post… But I’ll just say: Labels. Meh. Who needs ’em? Love your Mrs, fall on the sofa dead tired, flirt your internet guts out, do whatever you want with your junk, etc. And seriously, I’m not even aroused as I write this!
    XS

  2. Billus says:

    Thank you Tom. Once again you’ve succinctly expressed what I’ve been groping to find words for on more than one blog. I’m fed up with so-called “experts” speaking for the “community” devoting too much space to what submission is, what we should feel, why we should feel it, and if you don’t feel it the way I’m describing, you’re messed up! Puh-leeze!

  3. nursemyra says:

    I love this post Tom. Your wife is a lucky woman.

  4. lissy says:

    Brilliant post Tom!

  5. roo-roo says:

    Most people in relationships (even d/s relationships) share the housework and live somewhat vanilla lives. This fact is lost on lots of the FLR people. It’s not all d/s all the time. You do nice things for each other because you love each other. That’s success in my book.

  6. Tom Allen says:

    This post sort of wandered off what I really wanted to write about, which was that orgasm denial does not make me more submissive. Rather, it makes me more aroused. So, instead of arguing over what denial really does, or if I’m actually feeling submissive, or whatever, I’m just going to jettison the entire freaking concept — at least with regard to me.

    I don’t get aroused by taking orders for mundane things like cleaning or folding the laundry. Know what I get aroused by? Sex, or the possibility thereof. Silly, isn’t it?

  7. Jz says:

    I’m not sure if it’s cuz I’m too literal or what, but I never considered that your enjoying orgasm denial made you submissive. To me, that’s like a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.
    You two have a sex life you both really enjoy. What else matters?

  8. JackStrap says:

    I’m so glad I found your site. It’s such a pleasure to read experiences and thoughts of an intelligent and open-minded person.
    From time to time I believe that it’s possible to learn what other people have done.
    I have yet to experience FLR (Female Led Relationship?) to full capacity, as my situation is not as smooth as I would like it to be, but yet I recognize myself from the blog entry here.
    I guess I would use word “devotion” instead or in addition to “submission” regarding my relationship.

  9. Ranai says:

    Because, hearing her moan, feeling her scratch my back, listening to her satisfied sighs — you know, fucking her — makes me feel hot, randy, manly, almost animalistically lustful. And again, that’s what Mrs. Edge enjoys. (…) She sees a sexual being — a man — over which she has some control. That makes her hot. And seeing her hot makes me hot.

    Heeee.

    Yum.

    I’m in love with someone who’s like that when we fuck too.

  10. Ranai says:

    Btw, maybe this overview essay speaks more to you than ‘You may only call yourself submissive/dominant inclined if you specifically eroticise housework’ statements.

    I find it much more realistic. It’s descriptive rather than prescriptive, and describes human diversity.

  11. giles says:

    LOL. I always think there’s something a bit sexist about eroticising housework. And I do most of the things you do, not because I have a kink, but because I love my other half.

    In slave mode, I *do* do all the work, but that’s because being a slave is erotic.

  12. Pingback: Meat this! « Denying Thumper

  13. The Reader says:

    I found you via Thumper, and I gotta say I love this post.

    You describe your dynamic with Mrs Edge very clearly and I could really understand your point about labels like “submissive”. Your account of the sharing of domestic tasks sounds to me like what most modern, busy, more-than-fulltime couples do.

    Your description of how much you enjoy non orgasmic sex made me think. I (woman) can have satsifying, enjoyable sex with A Bloke without having an orgasm – I enjoy the closeness, the intimacy, the sensuality, just as you describe – I feel hot, randy, womanly and lustful! But when A Bloke didn’t have an orgasm from having sex with me, I worried that I had done something wrong or failed to do something. I thought I was a “dud root” (as we say in my country)! Then A Bloke had the guts to explain that he felt the same as me. Of course he liked orgasms and together we both had lots of them, but for him, as for me, they weren’t the “be all and end all” of the activity. Much “perfomance-anxiety free” pleasure ensued.

    So here’s a sweeping generalisation. Are men and women of our generation still highly focussed on men’s orgasm as being the object of sex? In spite of all the advances in women’s lives and sexuality, do we still feel that if a man doesn’t come we haven’t done our jobs? Obviously, we can move beyond that, as you and Mrs Edge have done, but is that where we start from? And is that why orgasm denial is such a powerful dynamic for some couples?

    Of course, in these liberated days we women are meant to be orgasming at the drop of a pair of pants and in 27 different positions. It’s a lot of pressure!

    Just some thoughts. Thanks for posting – you are a great read.

  14. This has long been something that baffles me.

    People will spend hours, years even on forums debating the proper code/mantra or titles (sub versus slave) or rules, and spend little time actually enjoying whatever their kink is.

    I mean no matter how intense someones fantasy is, or how rough they play, this is supposed to be about fun and enjoying your partner and mutual fantasy. 🙂

  15. Aarkey says:

    Wait, are you saying that Cinderella’s shoe didn’t fit on her sisters feet too? 😉

    Whatever you do, and however you do it.. I’m glad you and the Mrs. enjoy it.

  16. maymay says:

    Personally, I’ve been reading so much about what people consider to be “submission” and “submissiveness” that I have decided to disassociate myself from the term altogether;

    I did exactly that for a long time. To find what I wanted, I had to completely reject everything I had seen, learned, and heard about what it would be first. I’m pretty bitter that I didn’t have more help.

    That’s probably why, when I say “submission,” traditionally-minded submissive men get pissed at me. 🙂 But that’s really okay, too.

    Anyway, keep on rocking it, Tom. I loved this post and I’m glad you chose to join the conversation.

  17. Milliscent says:

    “And that sound you suddenly hear is the click-clacking of keyboards as a dozen writers of FLR blogs remove my name from their blogroll.”

    I think that anyone who does not understand that kink is intensely personal and different for every person and relationship is at best confused about the very nature of kink.

    If you loose some of those, it’ll be no big loss in my never humble opinion.

    M

  18. ChasteBoy4sure says:

    Thanks Tom for this article! I am fairly new to the chastity scene and I was beginning to wonder if I was an oddball for not wanting to parade around in pink panties and red high heels. I am a man and I love being a real man, but I also have found out I love being in a chastity belt and for me that is a CB6000. Like you, I like to be able to see my cock and in others you can’t tell what is going on. I love the new CB6000 Camouflage that looks really manly and looks like your cock is a soldier, but I went with the clear because I want to be able to see how my cock is doing.

    Like you, I love the denial and it doesn’t make me feel less of a man, but more of a man. Until your article about you in a chastity belt and how you feel more manly, I felt from the sites I read, men wanted to be sissies. I now know there are other real men who wear chastity belts and still feel like real men and aren’t looking to lick a toilet seat, or lay naked in panty hose in front of a group of women. I understand completely what you are saying and how being locked up really is satisfying because it keeps you on that sexual edge and horny without ever going over the cliff! All that testosterone swirling around in my body without a release makes me high! And to know you are satisfying your mate is like icing on the cake.

    I just wanted to add I made a chastity and masturbation-sex journal just using a notebook and I have half for chastity and half for masturbation-sex. I put the time and date when I go into the belt and log in. If I log out, I write the time and date too. This lets me know exactly how long I have been in it.

    Also I put the time and date, where and why I came in the masturbation and sex section and I then know when I came and why I came and I add comments to why I went over the edge, so next time I can stop doing that and it helps me to edge longer without coming – when I am not in the belt. So when you are out of the belt, it doesn’t mean you have to cum. You can learn to stay on that edge and have sex and masturbate. I have gone over 6 months having sex and masturbating without cumming and not be in the belt. You can also add how the orgasms were and what you did to cum. If it was satisfying or not, etc. It is nice to go over later and read it and your mate can have a journal too and write how their orgasms were and even write what makes you hot and your fantasies are and they can write what makes them hot too. I also like to write my fantasies when I am in the belt. It is then fun to read each others journals.
    Thanks again!

  19. Some people take things WAY to seriously. Some people apply their ‘own’ rules to what ever everyone else does, or does not do. I do not enforce chastity much on my submissive cuckold husband, but if I did, I certainly would never worry if he was ‘flirting’ online, chatting, watching porn, reading blogs or whatever. 🙂

  20. ChasteBoy4sure says:

    I don’t think anyone should get their panties, or should I say their husband’s panties in a wad. Some people do take things WAY to serious by telling others they are way to serious. I don’t think anyone was saying you have to live by any rules, but it seems to be a “rule” by some to make men act like women if they want to wear a chastity belt, when some men like being men. I think that is what Tom and others like me are saying.

  21. @ChasteBoy4sure, my comment was not directed towards you. Nor anyone in particular, just my opinion in general.

  22. ChasteBoy4sure says:

    Vaness Chaland, I understand. So many chastity sites are geared toward having men be girls (if they wear chastity belts) and women forcing men to be women, and nothing is wrong with that if the men want that, but not all do. I do see your point though that people can get overly emotional on sex and instead should just enjoy whatever sex turns them on. I think I have been put on too high of an alert because some women on other sites just seem to flame men and think all men should be under their heels and be maids. I don’t think you did that at all. I see you are just stating your view. So no offense to you and none taken.

  23. ChasteBoy4sure,

    No problem. I am glad that you undestood that I was not talking about your previous post, but just a general observation. I too, grow weary of the “rules” that so many apply to this fetish world and hate when I am told I am not ‘playing right’. To each her/his own and live and let live.

    Having said that, and now that you know I am not one that wants every submissive guy to be under my heels,,,,,
    on your knees, lol. 🙂 🙂

  24. ranat says:

    “Above case in point — being locked up does not make me feel less manly, less assertive, less randy, or less anything. It makes me feel … more. When I’m locked up for long periods, I still desire to have sex — penetrative sex –and so I still try to ply my manly charms with Mrs. Edge, even though I know I will have to use her strap-on. Why? Because, hearing her moan, feeling her scratch my back, listening to her satisfied sighs — you know, fucking her — makes me feel hot, randy, manly, almost animalistically lustful. And again, that’s what Mrs. Edge enjoys. I’m not being punished, and she doesn’t see me as emasculated. She sees a sexual being — a man — over which she has some control. That makes her hot. And seeing her hot makes me hot. It’s not the denial, it’s the mutual satisfaction.”

    You’ve said it before, but thank you for saying it again.

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