But nobody doesn’t like…

I haven’t checked my LiveJournal account in so long that I’d forgotten that I had one. I’ve been busy lately, and over the last few years have had to narrow down my online activities so as not to interfere with work, exercise, family, sleep, and the various other little hobbies and projects that I get  sucked into doing  involved with. And for that matter, I would have thought that anybody who knows me would have tried to contact me on this blog instead of the LJ account, which hasn’t had a post in a couple of years.

So I was surprised to see a message notification the other day, and after half a dozen tries to remember my password, I logged in to read this message:

I am Miss Sarahleigh. I saw your profile, and I thought that you might need some goddess worship in your life. I AM perfect. In every way, shape, and form. I am smarter than you, and more successful. You, are just a pathetic loser. If you are interested in this, message me. We will make arrangements.
Miss Sarahleigh

Wow! This is exactly what I’ve been looking for in my life. I mean, how could I possibly pass up such an opportunity?

Oh, wait – it’s because I’m not interested in being  scammed  suckered  financially dommed.

Well, because I’m a gentleman, I certainly wasn’t going to leave her hanging, so I sent off a response as quickly as I could.

Dear Ms. Saraleigh –

Thank you for taking the time to submit your application to be my personal Goddess. While I have many such offers, I try to respond personally so as to make sure that each applicant understands what is involved in the process.

I am sorry to say that your application, although brief, suggests that you may not be considered for the position. However, in the interest of assisting a first-time applicant, allow me to offer up some constructive criticism in case you decide to apply in the future.

First of all, insisting that you are perfect in the second sentence is coming on a bit strong. While we appreciate assertiveness, there is a fine line between a bold applicant and a rash one. This impression was borne out by the somewhat imperfect use of punctuation (specifically, periods and commas) in the next several sentences. This made for an amusing coincidence because in those next few sentences, you assert that my intelligence might be in question, at least, with regard to your own. While I’m sometimes embarrassed that I did not opt for the tougher business classes in graduate school, the fact that I’m still the “go to” guy when my friends and family have questions on a variety of subjects would suggest that I am of at least average intelligence.

As to the matter of being successful, I can’t imagine in what context you mean. I am a fit, healthy, attractive man with a moderate income from his own business; I have a loving family, respectful children, appreciative friends, a fairly well-respected blog, and can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue. I can’t imagine what more “success” would be like.

Again, thank you for your interest. We wish you every success in your future endeavors.

Best regards,

Tom Allen

I’m hoping that she learns from this experience, but judging from the two entries on her own LiveJournal, I suspect that she won’t appreciate my feedback.

Do you suppose I could have worded it better?

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Blogging, Femdommery, Humor. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to But nobody doesn’t like…

  1. Sarah says:

    Well, Mr Tom…

    I think it serves you right, since you laugh so much at all the crap *I* get in my mailbox from men who want to be locked in the basement while their wives find well-hung lovers, yadda, yadda, yadda.



  2. Sarah says:

    No idea.

    When was the message sent to you?

  3. I couldn’t have worded it better myself.

  4. Ferns says:

    Look, Tom, I so AM perfect and I am insulted by you’re (see what I did there?! ha!) attempt to belittle and make fun of my perfectitude with your petty little grievances and silly attempts at humourous one-up-manship.

    You obviously want me so badly that you simply cannot admit it to yourself, however I shall still accept worshiposity in its entirety from your lowliness in the form of many rubles inserted into my va-jay-jay.

    NOW, worm, NOW!!


  5. Ferns says:

    Damn my many aliases!!

    Miss Saraleigh

    • Tom Allen says:

      Ah, Ms. Ferns, if it only *had* been you! You know that I’d drop all and do anything, you of the cute boots and painted toenails.

      However, since I read your blog regularly, I happen to know that your writing skillz (and personal character, not to mention your intellect) are beyond question.

  6. thumper says:

    You’re such a liar. No way you can tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue.

    • Tom Allen says:

      I learned to do that when I was 17, because I’d heard it was the best way to impress the ladies.

      Unfortunately, it didn’t really work until I hit my 20s.

  7. slave_nemo says:

    Like the title says, “Nobody Doesn’t like…” So, what is your problem? Why haven’t you dropped everything in your life and thrown yourself at her feet?

    Could it be? There are actually “Mistresses” and “Goddesses” (or is it Goddessi?) out there who think that every man who acts a little bit submissive with one woman, that that man will drop everything and fall at her feet just because she tell him to?

    Good luck with that, Sarah. Let us know how it works out for you.

  8. RogueBambi says:

    Nothing else to say except for the little information that my husband made an impression on me, because he could wiggle his piggie toes individually. *That’s* perfection, if you ask me.

  9. Celtic queen says:

    Given that the spammer is probably a large, hirsute Romanian gentlemen with a limited grasp of English I fear you may have confused him and that’s why you’ve heard nothing back.

  10. dishevelleddomina says:

    After the spate of somewhat less than ideal messages I’ve been receiving from sub men lately it actually pleases me to see that there is at least a bit of idiocy flowing the other way.

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