Quick on the trigger

There are a lot of jokes and remarks about men who can’t last long enough to satisfy their women partners, not to mention a slew of snide names. Quick-draw. Two Minute Wonder.  The Minute Man. And most of us have probably deleted thousands of spam emails for various herbs, supplements, and other snake oils that can cure us of “that” problem (Premature ejaculation is rarely mentioned in the ad headlines).

So, it may be a surprise to some (as it was to me) that women also suffer from premature, well, not ejaculation as such, but still…

From the Live Science blog:

Premature Orgasm Affects Women, Too.

Men aren’t the only ones who might find themselves peaking too early in the sack. According to a new study, a small percentage of women also experience premature orgasm.

The research, a survey of Portuguese women, found that 40 percent occasionally came to orgasm faster than they intended during sex. For about 3 percent of women, the problem was chronic.

Right now, I imagine that a lot of men are hoping to find out just which women in this study might be single.

Oh, and the graphic for the article couldn’t possibly be any less sensitive.

But seriously, folks:

“At one extreme are women who have a complete control over their orgasm,” he and his colleagues write in a report to be published in the journal Sexologies. “[At] the other extreme is a group of women who report having a lack of control over the moment of orgasm, which occurs very early during intercourse, leading to personal or couple discomfort.”

And why is this a problem?

“I feel the same way men must feel about premature ejaculation and don’t completely see the difference — I finish very quickly, whereas my boyfriend doesn’t get a chance to, and it’s really starting to bother me,” she said. “Once I orgasm, I find it uncomfortable to continue, the mood changes and he ends up missing out, which I feel bad about.”

Okay, it’s easy to make jokes about this because it’s one of those role-reversal situations that seems unlikely. But I can imagine some women – just like men – who, once having orgasmed, perhaps losing interest or not wanting to continue.  I’ve never run across this situation – that I know of. Anyone else?

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
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27 Responses to Quick on the trigger

  1. Roger says:

    I had an ex-girlfriend who came very quickly (and, I might add, very quietly), and then was too sensitive to continue.

    Fortunately, she compensated for that by becoming exceptionally good at oral. 🙂

  2. Anais_pf says:

    A and I tend to tease each other with our hands etc. for a long time before we actually have intercourse, so I sometimes come pretty quickly. I don’t see that as a problem. After I come, I still feel like continuing, but some of the urgency I was feeling and communicating to him through my movements dissipates, so he sometimes loses a bit of momentum himself and once in a while that means he doesn’t manage to come himself. All that being said, neither of us is particularly unhappy about any of this. We have a fabulous sex life and each of us gets to come at least once about 95% of the times we’re together, and we are thrilled with how things are going.

  3. Ayesha says:

    Ah….the perils of vanilla sex.

  4. atone44 says:

    My wife doesn’t orgasm too quickly but once she does, she is done. Now it also means that I am done 🙂

    -A

    • Tom Allen says:

      So, how did you deal with it in the past?

    • atone44 says:

      Tom asked – “So, how did you deal with it in the past?”

      We did a lot of different things as we figured it out.

      Early on I would finish her using my hands. I think this was usually rather unsatisfying for us both though.

      Then we got to where I would take care of her orally first (which she usually prefers over PIV anyway) and then she would take care of me either orally (not my favorite or hers) or manually or I would take care of myself. This was pretty good for both of us as I like to perform oral more than any other sexual activity. Looking back on this it looks like a bit of a reversal of what you usually read about in most couple dynamics.

      Much later I started playing with the idea that I wanted to eat her after I came inside her. She wasn’t too fond of the idea and of course like most guys once I came I didn’t want to do it anymore. Eventually after talking about it enough and her being particularly frustrated (horny) one night she decided to follow through on it. She was on top and let me know that if I came before she did that I would be finishing the job. That in itself was probably enough to make me come and I did, she just lifted herself up enough that I could move a little and told me to slide down and finish. I did (reluctantly at first) and it was great for both of us. She still doesn’t like to talk about it but she discovered how much she enjoyed that feeling and informs me almost every time that we do have PIV that I will be finishing the job. Sounds a little like wank fodder except for the 15 years or so it took to get to that point. Now that I am not allowed to orgasm this is the one thing I miss the most. The plus side is that it is also what I get to look forward to the most. We use this in our “teasing” a lot.

      -A

  5. dishevelleddomina says:

    I prefer to come early and come often.

  6. Michelle says:

    In my youth, I was not multi-orgasmic and often lost interest in sex after I would orgasm. We are not so vanilla and so I handled it by informing my husband he had a brief count down to get to orgasm. Usually to the count of five. If he wasn’t able to climax in that amount of time, sex was over. He never failed to climax 🙂

  7. Ayesha says:

    Hey Tom. I took some time off to read the comments. And u asked me if mine was “really necessary”? Rofl!

    • Tom Allen says:

      Hey Ayesha –

      I really enjoy your perspectives, and I’m always happy to see your comments. But keep in mind that this blog is called “The Edge of Vanilla” for a number of reasons, one of them being that I do not purport to indulge in the more cliched BDSM stereotypes. Well, unless it’s pictures of women in tight, shiny fetish gear.

      Mmmmmm…

      Anyway, my point is that most of my readers and I are just having some fun, and are not trying to prove a point, nor trying to live up to anybody else’s ideals.

  8. I’ve actually written about this before … and it actually really annoys me, because it’s one of those things that gets totally elided due to the fact that women’s sexuality is “supposed” to be about pleasing men. Lots of men seem to have no problem coming and then rolling over and being like, “Sorry baby, can’t continue, I’m just soooo tired … shame we didn’t get you there!”

    But I’ve almost never heard of a woman doing this. Not because most women are less tired after orgasm than men; but because stereotypical conceptions of sex are so blatantly centered on men’s experience that it wouldn’t even occur to most women to say that. In my opinion, the phenomenon cheats both women and men — women because they’re less likely to feel satisfied after an encounter, and men because they’re less likely to explore how sex might feel with delayed orgasms, or absent orgasms, or even post-orgasm.

    • Tom Allen says:

      Okay, first, let me get this out of the way:

      [fangirl] OMG! Clarisse Thorn! On my little blog! OMG! [/fangirl]

      :ahem:

      Okay, I need to address something: I’m 53 years old, and I’ve seen some degree of progress since the 70s vis a vis men’s (and women’s) attitudes toward sexuality. Yes, in the 70s there were distinctly attitudes that men *got* the pleasure, and women *gave* it up – and if they had an orgasm in the process, well great. If not, well, then it wasn’t really the man’s fault.

      From the (admittedly) little bit of TV that I watch, and the (probably too much) web surfing that I do, especially on sexuality-related forums, I can’t say that I see anywhere near the prevalence of the “shame we didn’t get you there” attitudes that I used to see. In fact, the younger crowd that I see on the various message boards (and again, not necessarily a good statistical population) seem rather dedicated to the idea of making things as pleasurable for their partners as possible, and often are looking for new or better ideas.

      Is it possible that those old “I got mine, now you get yours” attitudes are fading away with the old generation? To me, that’s certainly how it seems, and if this is true, then I think that we need to revise our paradigm that suggests that men are still insensitive in that respect.

      Now, that said…
      and men because they’re less likely to explore how sex might feel with delayed orgasms, or absent orgasms, or even post-orgasm.

      In the ten or so years that I’ve been active on various web boards dealing with orgasm denial, I’ve noticed that the men most interested in this from a relationship perspective; i.e., not necessarily from a BDSMish perspective, tend to be older, and long term married or partnered. It seems to me that men need to spend a few decades burning off those hormones before they can begin to appreciate alternative sexual avenues, ones that don’t specifically involve their own orgasm.

      • Haha. Thanks for the props 🙂

        I’m 27, and I speak often from personal experience. So while it may not be as bad as it was in the 1970s, I’d say it’s still a problem, though maybe a subtler one. I don’t doubt that it’s better than it was in the 70s …

        I have also noticed that older men often seem more interested in “slower” or more deliberate sexual experiences … (and some of the older guys I know will talk about how they were “testosterone-driven assholes” in their 20s). I guess in some ways this is good news, since I’m getting older? 😛 But I’ve hooked up with plenty of guys my own age who weren’t bad about it, and I also don’t want it to be seen as something that younger guys can sort of get out of.

  9. Ayesha says:

    Oh my! Did i make that awful impression, that i would “purport to indulge in the more cliched BDSM stereotypes.”? And that i was here to prove a point? Tsss, tskkk!

    • Tom Allen says:

      Err, no. I was suggesting that perhaps you thought that this blog was not unlike some of the others that you visit, and on which you leave remarks about the way that the authors perceive a D/s dynamic. I only mention this because you have a habit of poking fun at those that you consider to be practicing “vanilla pudding” femdom.

      I’m sure that nobody with any sense would accuse you of indulging in those stereotypes, yourself.

    • Ayesha says:

      Oh that. Pfffffffff. Nah, i would never do such thing to u Tom.

  10. Elle says:

    I am one of those women!

    Well, ok, it doesn’t mean an end to sex after I’ve orgasmed, so usually it’s just fine. And I can come more than once. Yet I have to admit to not really liking men who can go on and on and on. I get bored.

    The funny part is that if I am really, really aroused, I can have an orgasm from just, hurm, you know, both of us rubbing against each other? Sometimes fully clothed? This usually happens with a new partner (more exciting, right?) and when it does, I’m too embarrassed to let him know. lol… (happened just last weekend, shhhh)

  11. fusion77 says:

    My late wife was a premature orgasmer (new word?), and she never had more than one orgasm. But I don’t know if it was from a physiological response or psychological one. Being sexually abused as a child may have left her wanting to just get over with it quickly. The one and only time I performed oral on her she came in less than a minute.

  12. ptathuk says:

    It takes me a while (e-hem), but I think I need to add my 2c.

    I had enormous trouble communicating with my ex, in the bedroom. (Probably a major reason why she’s my ex.) When we were first bf+gf, there were times when we were at it all day. (With suitable rests. – Neither of us wore a big ‘S’ on our T-shirts.) But after we were married it seemed like she worked towards her one orgasm making the end. Once she had her’s, it seemed like a race to finish me off. She knew me quite well, and so could achieve this in seconds. It was then like she expected some sign of a job well done.

    Now, anyone who has seen my blog knows that I’m quite into tease and denial. I was in the early ‘exploring’ stages when I was still married. Being finished off in double quick time was really unsatisfying, emotionally. It was almost like being dismissed. It never dawned on me, until now, how her orgasm could’ve affected her mood. We’re all geniuses in hindsight, aren’t we?

    What I wouldn’t give for a working ESP hat! Alternatively, perhaps ladies, you shouldn’t be so embarrassed with someone that has seen you from every angle, has heard you break wind at the most inopportune moments, or has seen little pieces of string dangling from you at certain times of the month? Talk to us! We understand English, for the most part.

    I’ve just proofread what I’ve written. I think I come across as someone that is placing all of the blame on my ex. This is obviously not the case. The break-up was a team effort. I asked questions, but maybe not the right ones? Like I said, we’re all geniuses in hindsight.

    ptathuk

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