Two Experiments

Those of you familiar with the happenings of the northeastern US probably know that we had an unseasonal Nor’easter – a storm that dumped a foot or more of snow around southern New England, and knocked out power in 2/3 of Connecticut for days – in some cases, for over a week. The Edge household was without power, phone, or even cell service for most of that time, which led to a case of cabin fever. Naturally, when we got power back, we tackled the important things: making sure the internet connection was back up and running. Oh yeah, and something about the furnace and hot water might have figured in there, too.

Anyway, having developed a Tumblr addiction, it was nice to see what had been being reposted in the kinky sectors. I spent a few  hours  couple of minutes browsing around and found this captioned picture on the Locked in Chastity Tumblog. I was struck by the rather profound insight that often gets overlooked when one reads chastity related fiction, or indeed, even the chastity related blogs that spring up. Most of the time we’re hearing about how the denial affects the man who asks to be denied, but we rarely hear about how it affects his partner.

Let me qualify that. We often hear about how the Missus loves it because she gets backrubs, pedicures, and the the laundry done. Yeah, no duh; I mean, I’d love to get daily massages, myself, and if somebody would wash and iron my socks every week then that would be one less thing for me to worry about.

But I’m talking about the more intimate and emotional aspects of chastity and denial. I’d venture that most married people are having a pretty decent (fsv of)  amount of sex every week, so men who ask to play out some kind of long-term chastity fantasy are also denying their partners something to some degree. Is PIV sex important to all women? Of course not, but at the same time it’s presumptuous for men to simply assume that they can replace intercourse with oral sex and backrubs – which seems to be the (ahem) dominant theme behind much of the “enforced” chastity paradigm (Paradigm? Did I really use that word outside of a graduate class?).

Some years ago when Mrs. Edge and I started messing with chastity and denial, we would go week to week. That is, she kept me locked up for a week, would let me out for some intercourse (no orgasm for me, of course), and then lock me back up. And that’s how it went for some time, until we got the strapon harness and a really lifelike dildo. We tried it out a few times, but at the end of the week, she unlocked me. And again, the next week. And the next.

But there came a time when she skipped the weekly unlocking, and asked me to use the new toy, instead. I ended up being locked up for two straight weeks. And the next time it was three weeks. And the next time it was a month. And then it was six or seven weeks.

While this was happening, I suspected that she was testing the waters, but was hesitant to ask her directly because I didn’t want to spoil the mood. Our agreement was that she could play as long as she wanted, and if I were uncomfortable, I would mention it to her. But that was okay, because I was experimenting myself — for a while I was looking forward to the weekly unlocking, even though I wasn’t coming. How well would I handle going without even that little bit of pleasure for longer periods? Would I eventually get jealous of the silicone? Would I give in and beg?

When it hit seven weeks without allowing me out, I finally asked her what she had in mind. “I’m just experimenting,” she told me.  She enjoys — actually, prefers — intercourse to oral, so she wondered how long she could “make do” with the dildo, which we began to call “her” cock. She, herself, had been enjoying the weekly unlockings, but after seeing how lifelike the new toy was, and how well I could position it, it began to seem less challenging to her. After going for a two or three weeks, she realized something else: I didn’t have to pace myself for her pleasure the way I had to do when she unlocked me. If she wanted something a little more vigorous, or to extend it a bit longer, she could do so without my asking to take a breather.  She found the idea that she could replace my cock with “her” own to be an unexpected turn on.

By the time that she made me go for a month straight, she began to feel comfortable with using it frequently, and comfortable that I wasn’t being somehow damaged, anxious, or upset. By that point, it didn’t feel so much as a second-best replacement; the couple of extra minutes for me to put on the harness and adjust “her” cock was now simply a natural part of our lovemaking.

Once she stopped worrying about how I was holding up, she found that she wanted to try something else: she wanted to go for longer periods simply to see if I would get frustrated enough to quit. Not in a cruel or mean way, rather that she was discovering her own limits, and in so doing, wondered where my limits (or lack of them) might be. Eventually, she wondered if she would feel comfortable enough not unlocking me at all, and indeed, she even began leaving her key at work so she wouldn’t be tempted to use it. After several years of this, she stopped experimenting with limits, and we simply played for random time periods, always set by her.

So, again,  I just want to take a moment to point out to the men who are interested in “enforced” chastity (or really, any other similar activity), that your partner needs time to experiment, to find her own limits of comfort — both with the relationship and with herself. Try to take s step back from your own excitement to give her what she needs.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Birdlock, Bon4, CB2000, CB3000, CB6000, chastity, Chastity & Orgasm Denial, Chastity Captions, Chastity Devices, intimacy, male chastity, orgasm control, orgasm denial, Sexuality & Relationships, True Tales and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to Two Experiments

  1. thumper says:

    You iron your socks?

  2. Ayesha says:

    That’s really good fatherly advice Tom. I mean for the sons that, like u told me, r only here for “just having some fun”.

    To distinguish from that tho, i would hate my “partner” to give me anything. I take what i want, and he/she should try to do the same thing. Quite exciting within d/s areas, i tell u 🙂

    • Aren’t they (implicitly) giving you permission to ‘take what you want’ and vice versa or are you forcing them against their will?

      • Ayesha says:

        Once with me, ur addiction to be with me and ur hunger to stay that way, will be so strong, that ur will will evaporated in no time, leaving u only with an inescapable drive and scorching lust for getting from me what u want, which very soon, will be what i want from u.

      • Tom Allen says:

        Ayesha, that’s exactly what I used to tell *my* lovers.

        Somtimes it even worked 😉

      • Ayesha says:

        Oh Tom, is that really true baby? Just imagine what could have happened had we met during our teens or early twenties.

      • Tom Allen says:

        Well, if I had met you in *my* twenties, then I’d probably have been accused of child molesting…
        🙂

      • Ayesha says:

        Huh? That old u r?

      • Tom Allen says:

        Ayesha, I’m 53. Sometimes I feel older than pretty much anybody else I know on teh intertubez.

        • Ayesha says:

          Let’s take this back a quarter of a century. Do u think ur script from that time would have matched mine. Hint: Mine hasn’t changed that much. Only fine tuned a bit.

        • Tom Allen says:

          First – how old are you? You can email me if you’re too shy to mention it.

        • Ayesha says:

          Lmao. Teasing Tom is at it again. As if u didn’t know already. My age is all over the place. For instance on my Yahoo profile. Which is easy to find via my Blogger site. Besides, a quarter of a century is 25 years eh? U would be …….now let me get them gray cells in gear….um…uh..uh…..that’s…….er…..ah……got it…….28, and i would be 19. But what has ur knowledge of my age to do with ur script from that time? Anyway, if u really didn’t know, now u know. No excuses anymore! Answer my question. You can email me if you’re too shy to tell me publicly, hehehe.

        • Tom Allen says:

          Hmm. When I was 28, I was divorced from my starter marriage, had gone back to school at night, worked full time during the day, and partied all weekend. And I was ready — overdue, actually — to make up for lost time for all the wild, kinky stuff that I missed out on during the previous several years.

          Yes, the scripts might have meshed, at least until one of us burned out.

  3. scott Kelly says:

    Hi Tom,

    A really great and insightful (Dare I say, sensitive?) post. I think Em would be perfectly happy not letting me out for extended periods of time. She’s usually quite happy with oral but feels that it’s necessary to have me penetrate her very occasionally in order to maintain conjugal intimacy.

    Having a 1st grader running around has put a damper on long term chastity for us at the present time. I miss it. It’s still a hot button turn on for me.

    I’m looking into something smaller that can be worn with a little less effort that still at least discourages tumescence. Something more symbolic than functional, I guess.

    Best,

    scott

    • Tom Allen says:

      Scott, what I should have added is that some women *don’t* become more comfortable with longer term denial, and often feel guilty. Or sometimes they simply miss the feeling of their partner having an orgasm inside them. For a lot of people – both men andwomen – it’s not simply the orgasm, it’s also how it happens.

      • scott Kelly says:

        Hi again Tom,

        With Em, it’s just the occasional feeling of my penis inside her. I am never allowed to cum inside her and, recently, the rate of me being allowed to penetrate her has diminished.

        I am locked again, this time in the CB6000, which suggests a very long lockup. You know how that is… so erotic and yet so frustrating. We started this lockup as she began her work cycle this week which means that I will hardly see her at al until Saturday.

        Your right about the “how” of my orgasms. Em prefers that I cum on her body and then lick her clean. She’s usually masturbating while I lick her and, by her own admission, not often thinking about me.

        Best,

        scott
        Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse

  4. Gregarious says:

    Yes, very much agree! The game was impacting my girlfriend much more than I thought it would. She is growing to love it, but had to get past her own barriers in terms of understanding and accepting her desire for me to be locked up. And because she loves PIV release, it will be a big part of how we play, but we are open to see it grow.

    • Tom Allen says:

      Hi Greg, and welcome to EoV.

      I have this theory that we all have scripts running in our heads, and how well those scripts mesh with real life determines how realistic our kinks can be, which affects our satisfaction.

      For us, finding a really good dildo/harness combination turned our play into longer term denial because it simply worked well for the both of us; that is, it meshed with the scripts that we had both developed in our heads. With other scripts, it might not have been the same.

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  6. Dev says:

    Hey Tom,

    This reminded me of this post of mine: http://delvingintodeviance.wordpress.com/2011/01/09/hello-world/ and makes me think that perhaps I should write a follow-up as I’ve been getting more into orgasm denial of late. However, I still really love PIV sex, so at the moment we don’t use a device, there’s just very little orgasming for him. The strap-on is an interesting idea that I’ve contemplated before though. Could be fun, though I feel like I’d probably still want the ‘real thing’ sometimes. But yes, it’s certainly a journey of experimentation for the keyholder too!

    • Tom Allen says:

      But that’s the point, Dev – nobody should *have* to feel like long-term is the only way to go, or that using a device is the only True Way®, or that a strapon (or oral, or whatever) is best. What we do works for *us,* and we know this because we experimented for a while, with both – yes, both – of us having input.

      We’ve had discussions on chastityforums.com about using games of chance or picking release dates, etc. As it happens, some women are uncomfortable being an “active” denier, so they prefer to use dice rolls in order to set a time limit; that way, they don’t feel as responsible when their partner starts whining. That what makes it work for them. But they had to play around with it for a while before they discovered this.

  7. Pingback: the absence of intercourse | wicked inamorata

  8. Mistress160 says:

    Nice useful post to link too, thank you muchly!

  9. juniorhubby says:

    I often played this out with my wife, but she got to the point where she wanted something real. We have two lifelike dildos, but she said they still felt like toys rather than cocks. Do you think it was because of the positioning (a technique thing) or do you think some women really need that real man first and foremost?

    • Tom Allen says:

      I think that it doesn’t matter what I think. The main point is that it matters what your wife thinks.

      While Mrs. Edge enjoys our play, she (almost) always claims to prefer my own equipment. Why? Because. Just because. We all are entitled to our own likes and dislikes, no matter how much/little sense they make to others.

      • Ayesha says:

        Hmmmm………..i challenge any heterosexual woman who claims to prefer a cold (or warmed up, hehe), lifeless piece of rubber, plastic, leather, titanium or whatever, even with the little bear attached to it, to of a full of life, throbbing, hard, and proud cock, to to fill up her moist cave and take her to the next level of ecstasy. Well ok, maybe she who never managed to get a cock into that position (grin).

        • Tom Allen says:

          Ayesha, while that is probably true in most cases, I can imagine that there are some women who simply don’t care for, or who get little or nothing out of intercourse anyway. In such cases, perhaps forcing their men to use a dildo isn’t so much for their own pleasure as it is to tease and frustrate their men.

          Earlier this year, Mrs. Edge and I took on the 30 day challenge, in which we had sex every day for a month. Can you imagine what I must have felt like by the end of that time?

          Well, actually it wasn’t as frustrating as it might have been. But for the first couple of weeks it was pretty intense.

  10. Faile says:

    This has really made me think about how I feel about chastity. Although I don’t keep my boy locked up I do have orgasm control over him but I do feel guilty about denying him pleasure, so find it hard to say ‘no’.
    Because of that it’s something we’ve not really explored properly together yet. I think I need to work on this.

    • Tom Allen says:

      This is a generalization, but women can’t win. If you frustrate a guy too much, then you’re a cock tease, but if you give in right away, then you’re too easy.

      However, in this case, the denial “works” because it’s not a constant fever pitch day in and day out. It becomes a low-level, simmering feeling of arousal, that in and of itself becomes very pleasurable. It does requite constant attention, though. If you are reminding your boy every day of his denial, that you are aware of it, and how it feels to you that he has given this over to you, then it becomes motivating and easier to bear.

      Yes, it’s easy to give in because you know how pleasurable it will be, and you want to give pleasure to your partner. But try to remember that the arousal itself is the pleasure, and imagine the orgasm is simply a rarely enjoyed reward. That might make it easier for you to manage.

  11. Liras says:

    Tom. A very revealing and thoughtful post. It comes across clearly that you do wish to please your Mrs., not just gain pleasure from your acts. (or non-acts, if you prefer.)

  12. Prt says:

    “I’d venture that most married people are having a pretty decent (fsv of) amount of sex every week…”

    You assume wrong. So there.

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