Frequency Asked Question

So, I’m skimming my blogroll, and I see an interesting post over on Kink in Exile in which she asks:

I’m reading some of the blogs linked off Keyheld, “an aggregate for blogs in which male chastity and orgasm denial are the main focus.”  It seems like a lot of these male bloggers are married, many with families, most with otherwise uncomplicated-by-the-risque lives.  My question is, how does orgasm control get into such unexpected and otherwise normal-seeming unions?

Having been immersed in the chastity culture for so long, it’s sometimes surprising for me to hear other kinksters ask about it. Even more surprising is that KiE puts the cart before the horse in her assumption:

I’m curious if these guys (and gals) filtered for “kinky” in partner selection and if not, how they managed to find a match in what I’d expect to be a niche field.

So to help her out, I think it would be great to see comments (either here or over there), especially from some of more vanilla-ish guys as to how they settled on chastity or orgasm control as a personal kink. Naturally, anyone too shy to leave a comment is welcome to email me and I can post it anonymously if you’d like.

Kink in Exile is a great blog, by the way, especially for those of you who prefer intelligent insight with your kinkiness.

And just for some motivation, I’m posting a picture of a completely stereotypical fantasy.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in CB2000, CB3000, CB6000, chastity, Chastity & Orgasm Denial, Chastity Devices, Fetish & Kink, Metal Chastity, orgasm control, orgasm denial, Sexuality & Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to Frequency Asked Question

  1. Celtic Queen says:

    Now… you see CQ has an alter ego… Nurse Spanky, who looks just like this except she wear white has CQ has much better boobs… but to the main point. “standard” lives.. ‘vanilla’if you like. Well the big advantage is I am married to one woman CQ, but get to spend time with muliple different women, Officer Cane, Nurse Spanky, so in our real world I don’t have to think about other woment CQ just sends me of to see the ones she has ‘vetted’…. all is great!

  2. slave_nemo says:

    Not quite sure I qualify as a ‘not so kinky’ guy, but I am gonna pst a comment anyway.

    I was a Master deeply into BDSM when my wife and I met (almost 11 years ago). I was looking for a slave and she a Master. Everything clicked and worked very well for us. Then I began to want what was almost impossible to get as Master. I mean, how does male chastity work when the male is in charge?

    One thing lead to another and I decided that she needed to be in charge in order for me to get what I wanted (long sexual teasing and few orgasms). Being the male I am, I could not simply order her to tease me for hours and not allow me to orgasm. As a male, when I get close, I have no control… If I am gonna cum, I cum!

    So it was only logical for her to become Mistress and I became her slave. It works for us. But I suspect that more women would enjoy being in charge (at least in a limited way) than men know about. They simply have not heard of male chastity or, at least, have not discussed it with their spouse. Either that, or a lot of married women get tired of the typical role and jump at the chance to switch places…

  3. Mistress160 says:

    We are way too kinky to respond to this lol, but I look forward to other responses 🙂

  4. kinkinexile says:

    Wow, thank you so much for the signal boost and for the great comments! I think it’s interesting because there aren’t many kinks that are intimidatingly new to me anymore, and this is one of them. It’s nice to hear the stories behind the kink.

    • Tom Allen says:

      It’s funny that in one of your follow-up comments, you see denial as extreme and edgy. For many of the chastity players, it’s considered rather innocuous, or as I sometimes refer to it, a “gateway kink.”

      • kinkinexile says:

        Yeah, the more I read the more I realize that this can be used as an extension of a very normal relationship dynamic (i.e. playing hard to get). The piece I think is edgy though is the giving over of something extremely personal and intimate into someone else’s control. There’s a learning curve too…I had to learn to trust that the person I’m playing with doesn’t think I’m just a bitch, and it’s just plain lucky that I think watching him beg is hot beyond words, because otherwise I would be a) disappointed and b) feel kind of insecure and questioning of my ability as a lover if my partner didn’t have orgasms on a regular basis.

  5. Ayesha says:

    Having met with many so called kinksters in a variety of countries around the globe, i came to believe that “kinky” is a term used by vanillas to cover up their vanilla life. Which answers the question, “how does orgasm control get into such unexpected and otherwise normal-seeming unions”, beautifully and conclusively. Orgasm control simply is just another manifestation of the vanilla way of living.

    • Tom Allen says:

      Hello, Ayesha – I’m trying to figure out if you’re being intentionally disdainful of “vanillas” here.

      The point that you raise, though, is a good one. As I’ve mentioned in the past, Mrs. Edge doesn’t consider herself to be kinky; she just enjoys what she enjoys and doesn’t do much in the way of introspection.

      Of course, it’s quite possible that a lot of people are mostly content and satisfied with their sex lives, and are simply looking for some way to make it a little more interesting.

      Vanilla is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle, Ayesha. 🙂

      • Ayesha says:

        If u had read the entries on my site a bit more attentive, u would never have had the need to figure out anything regarding my views on the vanilla way of living.

        It’s true vanilla is not for me, but if people want to be vanilla, it’s not only acceptable for me, i even would encourage them to go on with it, and on, and on, and enjoy it to the fullest of their abilities.

        What i can’t stand, r people who r trying to come across like something they r not, i.e. making a fuzz about them playing on an edge which actually is miles away from the abyss, or consider orgasm control way outside the vanilla repertoire. Same counts for all these FLR/FLH/WLH aficionados, claiming they’re in a femdom relationship. The list is endless. Stretching ur vanilla comfort zone doesn’t mean u left it!

        I say to people, just do ur thing. Do whatever makes u tick, horny, or a spiritual powerhouse. But refrain from trying to convince urself and others u r dwelling in areas u r actually too afraid of to come even close to.

        • Tom Allen says:

          When I was a young guy, I briefly – *very* briefly – dated a girl who told me “I’m really kinky!” Turned out that her idea of kinky was having sex with some clothes on, and maybe a little oral. Bondage? Fetish? Sensation play? That wasn’t kinky, that was “sick.”

          People have a range of experiences and ideas, and they have an idea of where they fit into the mix. Anything on the fringes they consider to be “kinky.” Are they wrong? Well, to you and I, they may seem tame. But I don’t think it’s fair to say that they are intentionally mis-representing themselves as something that they are not. I prefer to think of them as novices who don’t know what they do not know.

        • Ayesha says:

          Yes Tom, u r very kind and lenient. And maybe there r some of these novices. But still, even after having grown up, even when having entered the ranks of the seasoned ones, tofu will never be meat, no matter people trying to explain how it almost tastes like it, looks like it, how healthy it is, etc etc. (Silly ssc comes to mind, lol). And i wouldn’t want to have on my payroll all those who keep insisting their tofu IS meat! Novice or not.

        • Tom Allen says:

          You should come to my house for a barbecue in the summer. People always say that they can’t beat my meat!

        • Ayesha says:

          I consider this an irrevocable invitation. Just send me ur address, time and date, and i’ll be there. I’ll bring the wine, and a few slaves, i mean life time ones, and not some “novice try out and run ones”. And maybe i could provide Mrs. Edge with a few tricks how to let u climb the wall of delicious frustration a bit higher. Beware tho, i could take u with me as a new staff member, never to be seen or heard of again.

          Now would that be living on the edge a bit, or what?

        • Tom Allen says:

          Beware tho, i could take u with me as a new staff member, never to be seen or heard of again.

          Now would that be living on the edge a bit, or what?

          Believe me, after the week I’m having at work, I’m sorely tempted to come now!

        • Ayesha says:

          That’s my dare devil Tom! And as an extra bonus, i’ll let u use ur sled high up in the snowy mountains of Merida. Later we’ll spend some time in my cabin there, showing u some of the more edgy part of MyEgo.

        • Tom Allen says:

          I had better brush up on my Espanol skills, then. I haven’t had to use it in years. Why, I can’t even remember what the naughty words are, anymore.

        • Ayesha says:

          Well, if that would give u some peace and distraction of what’s going to happen, go ahead darling. Remember tho, that cabin is in the middle of nowhere, only reachable by foot or heli, with nobody there but u and me. And when on the slopes of those mountains with ur sled? I don’t think u would need much conversation then 🙂

  6. Despite impressions to the contrary I wouldn’t consider my life particularly kinky… although I concede that it’s certainly going that way. How do we get into orgasm control? For me it came largely from reading stories on Literotica about teasing, then chastity devices… this festered as fantasy a while before I became more intrigued and then reading Sarah’s blog convinced me that this was something I wanted to try. After some initial, er, difficulties convincing Mistress R, it has exceeded my expectations and we really haven’t looked back.

  7. Tom Allen says:

    @CQs, Nemo, Ms160: I knew the kinksters didn’t need any prodding to tell their stories. Hell, sometimes you can’t shut them up!

  8. nuts4belle says:

    I demand you take that picture of my wife down this instant!

    Not quite. 😉 Belle was as vanilla as they come and in many ways still is. I can’t really go over every detail as that is what over a year of blogging has been about but I will reiterate that male chastity came out of necessity due to missmatched sex drives. I brought MC up to her and we eased into it. At first it seemed extremely weird and kinky but it made sense and that is why we tried it. Now it doesn’t seem weird at all and is the norm for us.

  9. tcs says:

    Maybe the act of putting on a device seems out there to some, but the rest of the core of it—tease, denial, playfulness—who doesn’t want that, especially after being together for a long time.

    • Tom Allen says:

      Right. Back when you were dating, there was probably an element of uncertainty that made things a little exciting. Denial, while it doesn’t recreate that, gives a similar dynamic.

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  11. Ric C says:

    I posted my answer on my blog by taking excerpts from the comments of Tom Allen made on Kink in Exile that fitted quite well. (I hope that it doesn’t bother you?!) at http://mutualsubmission.blogspot.com/2011/12/orgasm-denial-for-uncomplicated-married.html
    I’ll answer on the Kink in Exile directly.
    Roughly it’s mismatched libido, getting older, wanting to bring some excitement in the routined daily life, renewing the romance, feeling more anamoured, refraining from touching myself in any given way (of course since I’m an adult I don’t masturbate. I was only refering to vanilla things like scratching or targeting something in the toilet while peeing…), being closer to my wife… You get the idea…

  12. Michael K says:

    Ayesha’s posts above have disturbed me so much that it has taken a day before I can write a response.

    When someone who resides at the top of the BDSM mountain range meets a vanilla who has taken their first step up the slope many would respond with “That’s great. Isn’t it exciting the first time you do that!” and they would then go on to perhaps give some safety tips and suggest a few possible next steps.

    People with this attitude are fairly common at BDSM functions and munches.

    Then there are those like Ayesha who put down anyone who does to live up to their ideal of how things are done properly. Unfortunately this attitude is fairly common on the Internet.

    Mount Chastity (and Mount Tantra and Mount FLR) are all very different from Mt BDSM. But because these are not BDSM Ayesha thinks they are mild and vanilla.

    One sign that Ayesha and I are on totally different wavelengths is that I call BDSM a mountain range, while to her it is the Abyss.

    Surely on a site called ‘The Edge of Vanilla’ any exploration just past the edge should be encouraged.

  13. Ayesha says:

    Apparently this Michael K’s disturbance was of a such an overwhelming magnitude that he (purposely) missed sentences like, “but if people want to be vanilla, it’s not only acceptable for me, i even would encourage them to go on with it, and on, and on, and enjoy it to the fullest of their abilities.”, and, “Do whatever makes u tick, horny, or a spiritual powerhouse.” And if he would have managed to bring down his disturbance to a more manageable level, he even could , b4 falling to pieces, losing a whole precious day, and start whining, have made an effort to look a bit further, that way maybe having found out on various other sites i occasionally even defended recreational femdom etc.

    I should be into BDSM? Even in some kind of abyss of it? Lmfao!

    Oh, and b4 i forget Michael K, to analogize BDSM with a mountain range is tremendously silly. Try flatland. Way more realistic.

    And to think all this came from a person who’s preaching devotional sex. Tssss, tskk!

    • Michael K says:

      No, I didn’t miss those comments, or anything else Ayesha said in this thread. And I think it reasonable to comment based on what she said in this thread without being expected to research elsewhere.

      I don’t think either Ayesha or I will change our minds, and as I’ve already made my point I’ll spare us all a flame-war.

  14. Ayesha says:

    Trust me Michael (hmmmm maybe u better refrain from that) i didn’t expect anything from u.

    Oh u go ahead, be rigid, sit in ur devotional sex box and close it hermetically. But don’t speak for me. I love changing my mind.

    U made ur point indeed. It was pointless tho.

    A flame-war? What’s that?

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