Because you can’t look under the mattress anymore

… to find your partner’s porn, that is.

Well, not that anybody has kept porn under the mattress in the last decade, anyhow. Computer-savvy partners now keep it in sub-sub-sub folders like “D:\windows\system_64\applications\manager\binaries\antivirus\infected\deleted\asian-t-girl-boobies\” or similarly buried directories.

Which is why snoopy wives and girlfriends now have to resort to spyware to find their partner’s fap stash.According to the marketing information on the “Find His Porn” website:

“Technology has advanced to the point where traditional ways for women to keep track of their guys just don’t work anymore.”

You get an RFID device to “keep track” of your pets. You get a cell phone and a Facebook account to “keep track” of your kids. But if you feel a need to “keep track” of your guy, then you need a good, long discussion about your relationship — and ladies? I’m talking to you here — and you’d better be prepared for hearing some things that you may not like.

“Porn has gone virtual – which means no more adult DVD’s or dirty magazines that you will find lying around. Everything he looks at is right there on your computer, only problem is it’s not easy to find. Aren’t you curious what he’s up to? You are not alone. Most women are curious and until now there was little that could be done. Now all you have to do is try Find His Porn today and see exactly what he’s watching.”

Yeah, aren’t you curious as to what he’s looking at? Well, aren’t you?

Okay, okay, I get it. Yes, some guys actually do have a problem with porn; they are addicted to looking at pictures, and some of them masturbate so much that they barely have enough energy for you later on. That’s why you need to lock them up in a chastity device, so they will only be able to…

Hold on, wait,  sorry — That’s the current motto of the chastity nuts on the internet, and is not in any way reflective of real life. Or, at least, real mature, adult life.

And yes, some women become very insecure about the porn that their partners might be looking at because they are constantly comparing themselves, and I think that there is some merit to discussing this. If you are a size 4 woman with B-cup boobs, and your partner is ogling a copy of Big’Uns in the basement behind the furnace, then it’s natural for you to wonder if your partner is thinking about someone else, someone you can’t possibly emulate. 

But these are issues that mature adults should be able to discuss, and come to some kind of agreement or compromise. I’ve heard from real-life woman friends who have bemoaned their husband’s “porn addiction,” only to discover later that hubby’s “porn” was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar, or a Playboy Playmate poster; the latter is especially ironic considering that the tv show “The Girls Next Door”(about “Playmates” living in the various Playboy mansions) is watched mainly by women.

Look, sometimes relationships turn weird simply because people fail to treat each other like adults. I once had a partner that used to think it was her job to “catch” me doing things wrong, whether is was cleaning the bathroom, tracking dirt on the floor, or replacing the toilet paper the wrong way on the roll. Each time she “caught” me doing something that was perfectly normal for me (which wasn’t porn, by the way), but that she didn’t like, we had a huge argument. I spent a couple of miserable years learning to hide things, until one day I suddenly realized what I was doing (i.e., acting like a teenager), and just stopped hiding, and began insisting  that if she had a problem, she was welcome to talk to me like an adult, but until then, I’d continue to do things my way.

The relationship lasted about a month after that, which taught me that some people actually do want to play out their child/parent models, or at least, can’t seem to think in other ways. So, if this is you, then by all means buy the porn sniffers. But don’t be surprised when he starts password protecting his accounts, and finds other ways to hide things from you.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in relationships, Sex news, Sexuality & Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Because you can’t look under the mattress anymore

  1. Jz says:

    Although I can completely understand the feelings of insecurity that arise when you find your guy ogling women that look NOTHING like you, I also wonder why it would actually be any of my business what he looks at or what he fantasizes.

    Personally, I don’t think being in a relationship automatically dictates full disclosure. There’s certainly a lot going on in my head that doesn’t affect my relationship and I assume the same is true for him. Does he actually need to know all those bits? I don’t think so. I won’t lie if he asks (that’s a different discussion) but I don’t think every little thing needs to be out there, cluttering up the table, either.

    It seems to me that the bottom line is that it’s up to you to decide whether you trust your partner or not.
    If you do, it doesn’t matter what he looks at.
    If you don’t, it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t look at.

    Do you sense my conclusion here…?


    • Tom Allen says:

      Although I can completely understand the feelings of insecurity that arise when you find your guy ogling women that look NOTHING like you, I also wonder why it would actually be any of my business what he looks at or what he fantasizes.

      Because, in general, we want to be the focus of our partner’s affections, and we think it will be easier if we live up to certain ideals – physical or otherwise. I can imagine women wondering if their partner’s collection of Asian t-girl porn, or stack of Ebony Hooters DVDs means that they (the partners) find them less desirable, or will do so in the future after the 2.5 children and the inevitable 40 pound gain, the short haircut, and the mom jeans.

      Or, flip this around: If a man discovered that his partner had a collection of books centered around men with certain specific features, would they feel threatened? Hey Twilight moms – I’m talking to you, here.


  2. slave_nemo says:

    So… What you are saying is that married folks should engage in conversations about things that are important to them without accusing each other of being childish. Hmm… Adults actually talking about things that matter (to them, at least)… Isn’t that what Mistress Ivey and I (amonge others) have been telling people for over a year now?

    I agree, Tom. People just need to grow up.


  3. atone44 says:

    I checked it out, I’m safe, it only works on Microsoft Windows. I don’t look at much porn anyway, just The Edgier Vanilla.



    • Tom Allen says:

      I’m running Linux – if she can figure out how to log in, then she can look at my porn all she wants.


      • atone44 says:

        easier to just put the little spy cam on the bookshelf behind you.

        My wife has all my passwords, well access to them at least, I keep them recorded and locked in a safe in case something happens to me. Of course if she asked I would show her anyway.


  4. Robert Anthony says:

    I have always thought that a lot of guys make a rod for their own backs by not being open about liking porn from the start. When I first met Mistress R it wasn’t long before she asked me if I had any porn and yeah it was a little embarrassing fetching out my slightly dog eared copies of ‘Shaven Ravers’ or whatever (guess my appreciation for the shaved pussy goes waaaay back) and showing them to her, but I believe that set me in good stead for the future. I would say don’t make a big thing of it, don’t expect all women to want to watch porn with you but I think the big thing with most women when it comes to porn isn’t necessarily insecurity about what you’re looking at but the fact that you are hiding something from them, so I would say be honest from the start (actually that’s a pretty good place to start most aspects of a relationship) because if that first time she asks you ‘have you got porn / do you look at porn / do you like porn’ if you lie about it there’s never going to be a good time to go back and say ‘you know what, I lied’. Also, if a woman is that uptight about about porn I wonder how great she’s going to be in bed.


  5. Stabbity says:

    Augh! The stupid, it burns! Even if you are just insecure and scared that your partner fantasizes about women who look nothing like you, what good can spying on him possibly do? If you don’t trust your own boyfriend/husband/SO, you’re not going to stop worrying just because some program told you it didn’t find any porn.

    The idea that men aren’t entitled to any privacy whatsoever because they might be looking at porn is just creepy. If these women’s boyfriends demanded all of their bank statements and credit card bills to prove they weren’t spending too much on makeup or something, practically everyone would agree that’s abusive, but somehow it’s fine to spy on men to keep their filthy evil sexuality in check.

    Not to mention the fact that it’s just mean to take money from frightened (and probably not very bright) women to not fix entirely the wrong problem. Like you said, Tom, if you feel the need to ‘keep track” of your boyfriend, what you really need is a good long talk about your relationship, not $20 worth of junk software.

    P.S. Does anyone else think it’s ironic that a site dedicated to pissing all over people’s privacy even has a privacy policy of their own?


    • Tom Allen says:

      but somehow it’s fine to spy on men to keep their filthy evil sexuality in check.

      Yeah, I think you nailed it here.

      Seriously, I’ve been on discussion boards in which women – grown, legal-aged, out-of-high school women – equate “looking at porn” with “cheating on me.”

      And again – yes, *some* men will have a problem with porn, just like *some* men will have a problem with drinking, drugs, gambling, etc. But we’ve got to get over this cultural mindset that looking at pictures of attractive women (or men) is a shameful activity.


      • Stabbity says:

        *some* men will have a problem with porn

        That reminds me of the other thing I wanted to rant about. Some people really do have problems with porn. If someone has a serious problem with porn, though, by definition it’s fairly obvious. Not that problems can’t be subtle, but if your ‘problem’ is a vague suspicion that your otherwise sweet and attentive boyfriend might sometimes watch porn, you do not in fact have a problem.

        No-one needs some stupid piece of software to tell her there’s a problem when her boyfriend spends so much time on the computer that she feels abandoned, or spends all day masturbating and doesn’t show any interest in her sexual needs, or blows his share of the rent on cam girls. In a situation like that, proof that he’s looking at porn is completely beside the point. If saying ‘I feel abandoned’, ‘I feel rejected’, or ‘What the fuck do you mean you can’t make your share of the rent?!’ doesn’t get through to someone, I don’t see how ‘I know you’ve been watching porn’ would make any difference.

        Okay, I feel better now 🙂


        • Tom Allen says:

          No-one needs some stupid piece of software to tell her there’s a problem when her boyfriend spends so much time on the computer that she feels abandoned, or spends all day masturbating and doesn’t show any interest in her sexual needs

          And this mirrors what I’ve been telling people for years: no chastity device will replace maturity, trust, and good communication between partners.

          There seems to be a pattern here…


  6. Ayesha says:

    Raising hand (again). May i ask something? Growing up? What does that mean? Increasing ur height, till ur head is dwelling in the clouds perhaps?

    And what the heck r mature adults? Is that bound till u’ve reached a certain age and r adjusted to mutual agreed upon rites how to address each other without screaming, yelling, accusing, pointing fingers, and slapping the other person, while the only thing u want to do is just that? And is it also a sign of being a mature adult when u r leaving for work wearing a cb, r occasionally spanked with a hairbrush on ur bare bottom, or long for being humiliated by a woman, even if she would be reluctant to do so? Maybe it’s discussing all these things to avoid having sex, or going out and fuck that US$ 1500.00 an hour whore from that porn site ur wife is secretly visiting?


  7. Tom Allen says:

    Ayesha, my dove, this is a difficult question, because, quite frankly, there *have* been a few times that I’ve been driving along and suddenly considered my situation and thought to myself “Jeez, I’ve got a chastity device locked onto my cock. How freakin’ weird is that?” And for a few minutes I’ll feel pretty silly. Definitely do not feel like “mature” or “adult.”

    But then, I’ll remember how aroused Mrs. Edge gets at times, and how she rakes her nails across my back while she’s whispering disjointed sentences in my ear about keeping me locked for months, for years, for ever, and somehow, the part about feeling silly fades away.

    And what the heck r mature adults?

    I would imagine that they are people who confront their issues in their own head, first, and then discuss them with their partners.

    Here’s a little story. In my early 20s, a lot of my friends got married or partnered up with women that they had met in college. Most of them hooked up with women who were more like mothers than partners. I’m thinking of one friend who enjoyed an occasional cigarette and a beer — which he had to keep in the garage, so his wife wouldn’t discover it. Another liked to stop by a local bar to have a drink with his buddies after work – but he always explained to his wife that he had to “work late.” We used to commiserate about our lives until one day I just “woke up,” and realized that I didn’t want to be with my mother.

    My friends thought I was losing my mind, and tried to convince me that how they lived was simply “normal,” and that I needed to “grow up.” To them, being “grown up” meant living lives of quiet desperation, and of being afraid of their wives and girlfriends. What I saw was and endless charade of cat and mouse, or more correctly, little imps and mommy. When I stopped playing that game, my girlfriend freaked, because she had no other way to relate to me; the idea of simply communicating an honest thought, want, or need, without subterfuge or hidden agenda, was beyond her.

    She would have been just the type to snoop out the porn on my computer, if we’d had one back then.


    • Ayesha says:

      Oh i c. Mrs. Edge is the mature adult one here.

      U know what these fabulous Grown Ups and Mature Adults also do?

      – They blame their kids for having bad grades in school.
      – They have a panic button ready on their computer at work.
      – They try to get elected for office duty by lying to their voters.
      – They ignore people which rip their convictions apart.
      – They hide when a kid is molested if front of their eyes.
      – They brag about being a femdom while they’re not.
      – They complain about having to pay for higher gas prices.
      – They embrace indifference as a virtue.
      – They pretend that porn is a serious subject.
      – They create rules for others, but violate them themselves.
      – ……………..yes go on.

      But u know? I don’t care, cos i don’t think in terms like that, nor am i led by them. I found them silly, stupid, arbitrary, patronizing, belittling, ridiculous, and objectionable. Why is that? Well, firstly cos they r used only to make that “middle-of-the-road vision of life” ( i stole this from Raposo’s great comment in DD’s blog) look worthy to pursue, and secondly,

      – I saw a 12 year old soldier kill a woman.
      – I saw a 45 year old man play in a sandbox.
      – I saw a president of the USA lie his ass off
      – I saw a 14 year old lad rescuing an old lady from drowning
      – I saw a mother selling her 10 year old daughter for prostitution.
      – I saw teachers knowing less than their students.
      – I saw devoted Christians violating the words of their Lord
      – I saw 15 year old boys working 18 hours a day without pay.
      – I saw prison guards torturing children
      – I saw a 16 year old girl providing for her ailing parents.
      – …………u saw this too? Yes?

      Then i’m sure u’ll agree with me that if i am “being helpful, supportive, or otherwise adding to the conversation” of males and females entertaining themselves and others with confessions and stories about their perils and successes in KinkySexLand, is of minor importance, and certainly not a tool to measure “maturity”. And if not? Well, grow up!


      • Tom Allen says:

        U know what these fabulous Grown Ups and Mature Adults also do?

        It seems to me that what you have done is single out many immature behaviors. I’m not sure why you would have done that, given the subject matter.

        I found them silly, stupid, arbitrary, patronizing, belittling, ridiculous, and objectionable.

        Really? How interesting.

        Then i’m sure u’ll agree with me that if i am “being helpful, supportive, or otherwise adding to the conversation” […] is of minor importance, and certainly not a tool to measure “maturity.

        Ayesha, my sweet. Come, sit over here, next to me on the sofa. You can snuggle up against me if you want, since it’s cold up here now. There, comfortable? Good.

        Listen. There are a lot of bad things in the world, and there are a lot of good things. Often, people, themselves, cause the bad things because they fail to think *of* other people, and they fail to think *like* other people. And maybe it is silly to just discuss kinky sex play on this blog, when there are so many bad, immature things happening in the world.

        But I’m like that little boy in that story about the starfish on the beach. You know that story, my pumpkin? A man is walking along a beach after a storm, and sees thousands, maybe millions of starfish washed up on the sand. He then notices a little boy up ahead, tossing starfish back into the water. The man tells the boy that he can’t possibly save all the starfish, that there’s too many. The boy shrugs, tosses another one back into the water, and says “Well, it made a difference to *that* one.”

        You can’t be angry all the time, my sweet, because it takes too much energy. Me, I’d rather try to learn from my mistakes, and when possible, maybe point to them so that others, if they are so disposed, can take a little bit away with them.


        • Ayesha says:

          “Me, I’d rather try to learn from my mistakes…….,” Very mature. I’m sure it will be applauded and received with great enthusiasm and admiration by people who r also proudly walking through life, praising themselves, and looking to be praised for it by others, for having been blessed with this priceless gift. What worries me tho a bit (no,no,no, not angered by it), is that it depends on the ability of these blessed ones to recognize their mistakes of which they want to learn so much. As for u Tom, this time u flunked big time. Or maybe u did recognize it, but were not man enough to really make that effort u r boasting about, and instead found, that “…..and when possible” wasn’t a possibility this time. So instead u attempted to simply play it down to something insignificant, something not worth to learn anything from it. What a waste of energy. Or is acting like this ur routine, not absorbing any energy whatsoever, and is actually always ur modus operandi when one of ur friends is angry and disagrees with ur behavior? Re-reading ur ill crafted replies to me, make me believe that must be the case.

          Now go back to ur beach, and tell that dying starfish that it was her own damn mistake to be a starfish in the first place, and that it’s time to learn from that mistake. But don’t be surprised if, after having told u all that, she will pick u up and toss u into the freezing waters to drown like a grown up and mature adult prick.

          But u won’t go out there eh? It’s way to cold and dangerous for that. And Lilith forbid u could meet an angry woman there. Oh no, not u. U rather sit on ur sofa, snuggling up with ur expert kinky friends, watching the latest porn flick, and discussing the pro and cons of living on the edge of vanilla while cleaning ur latest cb from left over sperm.


        • Tom Allen says:

          Ayesha – you are angry with me, ma cherie. I can tell; your eyes become drawn, and the corners of your mouth turn down even more than usual. But, me being a typical, stupid man, I’m having trouble understanding just *what* you are angry about.

          I suspect, my sweet (and you’ll correct me if I’m wrong, I’m sure), that this started with my assertion that you weren’t adding to the conversation. I’m sure this wounded you, because you always think of yourself as being helpful. Well, maybe not helpful so much as, well, instructive. No, not instructive, maybe, err… oh, yes, now I remember: angry. Yes, angry — for some reason, you seem to be driven by anger. Anger that is misplaced, and yes, not particularly helpful at times.

          I mean, really, my dove. Impugning my manhood? Questioning my motives and abilities? Insulting my writing?

          Hmmph! Ill-crafted, indeed! Why, I’m going to positively stamp my foot in aggravation!


          Now, I know that you can’t stay angry at me for long, so when you’ve had a nice cup of tea, and maybe one of those almond biscotti cookies, how about if you sit down with me and explain — simply, for my dense man-brain — just what is troubling you so much.


  8. Ayesha says:

    @ Zommo. a.k.a Don Honey de la Mancha. As usual, u r assuming too much. Something that windmill fighter was plagued with as well. But of one think u were right tho: Impugning ur manhood. and questioning ur motives and abilities. But insulting ur writing? Come on. U call that writing?


  9. nursemyra says:

    I have no problem with men looking at porn. i like to look at it myself sometimes.


  10. Ric C says:

    A mature man in a confident relationship should be able to talk about his porn ramblings. Not sure it’ll be of interest for his wife though. But it’s certainly the best way to avoid feeling like a kid if she happen to check on your computer thinking you’re enlightening yourself by reading a serious and profound blog like «Edge of vanilla» and all she sees on the screen is a big breasted woman like the one above. Sometimes it’s not a question of maturity it’s a question of having the feeling you’re not doing what she’s expecting you to do!


  11. Ric C says:

    By the way… I love to see pics on your site of any kind of women, nude or not!


  12. Milliscent says:

    I’ve always felt that porn was a positive thing. It allows us to explore fantasies that we are unable to explore in real life, to find joys that would otherwise elude us.

    To think that a man loves me less because he looks at or reads porn is absurd.



  13. The beautiful thing about kink, and FemDom porn in particular is that SHE CAN be the girl in the video. Buy her a crop and some bondage rope. She can easily be your dominatrix regardless of her body type.


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