Help a sister out

My new BFF Dishevelled Domina and I have been kicking around the idea that the terms “dominance” and “submission” in a sexual context might have too much cultural baggage to be useful, especially to new people looking for just a little play. That prompted her to ask to interview a number of “submissive” guys last year, the results of which she posted over the course of a few months.

In the interests of further research, she would love to hear from women who do not necessarily identify as dominant, but who do enjoy taking charge or running the show in the bedroom. Here is her actual invitation:

If you are a woman who likes to decide the how and when of sex, I have some questions for you. You needn’t consider yourself a dominatrix or even claim the title dominant woman. If you enjoy taking the lead in bed or setting the pace sexually, I’d like to know a little more about you. Female sexuality is incredibly diverse and if you are a woman who prefers to be more in control than your partner then you are the kind of gal I want!

Please email me at dishevelleddomina (at) gmail (dot) com.

I think that this is a great idea. Mrs. Edge definitely does not self-identify as a domme, but certainly enjoys directing traffic. If this sounds like you, please drop her a note or visit her blog. We’d love to hear your side of the story.

And for no good reason, I’m including a picture of Gillian Anderson not being a latex-clad dominatrix.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in BDSM, D/s, D/s & BDSM, Dominance. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Help a sister out

  1. Jz says:

    I dunno…
    That doll’s looking pretty splayed and submissive to me.
    Not to mention all tuckered out. ;-p


  2. Sybele says:

    It would be very interesting to hear all the different answers she receives. Hopefully she’ll share some of them. =)


  3. Edie Equal says:

    Interesting! I agree that a lot of people are probably uncomfortable with the terms ‘dominance’ and ‘submission’. When I came out as kinky I described myself as a top instead of dominant for some time, even though the latter is more accurate.

    The problem with “dominance” as a label is that people automatically picture the latex-clad dominatrix you chose not to depict in your post (btw, it’s completely plausible that Scully and Mulder had a d/s relationship while off duty. As if they didn’t! Scully could totally rock the med play with her awesome doctor skills, and it’s obvious Mulder had an abduction fetish. They should make a reunion special and explore these themes. Maybe I should contact the fox network and submit a script, ha.)


    • DD says:

      I would dom Mulder… oh yah, baby.

      I agree with you about the definition issues. The mental image a lot of people associate with certain words are so NOT who and what I am, or most of the dominant (toppish, in charge-preferring, etc.) women I know.

      Get on that script, btw. I would so watch that!


  4. DD says:

    He called me his BFF.

    I still so totally have a Tom Allen fangirl crush.

    Thanks for widening the audience, you teh bomb.


  5. Michael K says:

    It is interesting that (male) fantasy BDSM seems to have got so out of hand that some of those who do real-life BDSM no longer identify with the BDSM words.

    Certainly the dominant image of FemDom on the internet is of a cruel-bitch, dressed in fetish gear, providing a kinky service to a submissive (who sometimes is not consenting).

    Most real-life Dominance/submission is usually part of a relationship where both respect (and often love) each other, is always consensual, the woman rarely (or never) wears fetish gear, and though the sub may sometimes be rewarded by receiving a kinky activity the dynamic is more about him submitting to her and pleasing her.

    So are those who do real-life BDSM going to try to reclaim the words?

    Or is there a need to invent new words?


    • Michael K says:

      As Tom just pointed out to me – the very first line of his post suggested new words.

      This is what happens when there is over a day’s gap between reading the article and writing a reply – lesson learned, sorry all.

      But back to the topic ..

      Are women who like to be in charge and who don’t like the word dominant unhappy with just the internet fantasy dominant, or are they also unhappy with real-life BDSM dominants (people you would meet at a munch and as presented in the sensible BDSM books such as Sensuous Magic by Pat Califia?

      And though the book Sensuous Magic includes bondage, punishment, and pain, some on FetLife are using the term Sensual Domination to mean a Dom/sub dynamic that does NOT include humiliation, punishment, pain etc.

      So within the real-life BDSM world it might be useful to have a word which means Dom/sub but without the other BDSM activities.

      And if we do create a new word for a woman who likes to be in charge (bossy / dominant) but does not want that name associated with other BDSM kinks, which kinks can be associated with that new name.

      For example, for me, having a man locked in a chastity device for months is a full-on kink. So though a name for a women who has her man locked up would be useful, I don’t think that this name would be appropriate for a women who enjoyed Dom/sub without chastity and without other strong kinks.

      The more you think about all of this the harder it becomes.


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