When orgasms are not the best part of sex

I suspect that most of my readers are men who are interested in “enforced” male chastity and orgasm denial and/or control. The more mature readers, that is, the  fanatics  aficionados of orgasm denial have often been pleasantly surprised to discover that when they take their own orgasm out of the sexual play, that they learn to become more appreciative of the sensual side of their play. Indeed, chastity and OD web boards are rife with men waxing poetic about their love and appreciation for their partner, and how they no longer focus on their own climax.  In fact, forum and blog posts of that nature are so common that it’s rapidly becoming a sexual trope.

That’s why I think that some of you may be interested in reading about this from the perspective of somebody who is about as far from being a mature man as you can get.

In her post “Orgasms aren’t my favorite part of sex,” well-known kink educatress Clarisse Thorn writes:

[It may help some people] not to prioritize orgasms. I am not saying orgasms aren’t important; I just don’t want the importance of orgasms to wound you, the way it wounded me. For me, it is helpful to imagine sex as a journey. For me, it helps to focus on having fun throughout, instead of doing what it takes to reach the “goal” of orgasm. If you’re not taking pleasure in the journey — or at least indulging some curiosity — then why keep going? Why not stop and try something else?

Experimenting sexually in an open-ended way has been, for me, the most productive possible attitude. And in fact, once I knew how to make myself come, I discovered that — though it’s helpful to be able to attain that release if I really want to — orgasms aren’t actually my favorite part of sex! There are lots of other things I like better.

It’s also worth noting that our definitions of “orgasm” are fairly narrow. Some research indicates that there may be other ways to conceptualize orgasms than the stereotypical genital-focused approach.

And as that weren’t enough food for thought, she goes on to mention:

It may be ironic that I spent so much time feeling terrible and broken and depressed because I couldn’t figure out how to have orgasms … whereas now I prefer not to focus on them. In fact, I estimate that most of my current sexual encounters don’t include my orgasm, and very few of my most pleasurable sexual encounters have included my orgasm.


And …. (Oh no, I can already tell this is going to get complicated … but hey, sex is complicated, so I’ll give it a shot.) …. Especially when I’m doing BDSM, it can actually be hot sometimes if I don’t have an orgasm. For example: if I go to sleep so turned on that I can’t dream about anything but my partner, and then I wake up in a damp mess, and then my partner makes my life difficult all morning, it’s pretty awesome. (Although it’s very nice that I know how to give myself orgasms now, because that means that if I’m really feeling overwhelmed by my own sexual energy, I know how to give myself release if I have to. You know, like … if I need to get some work done.)

Clarisse Thorn is one of the most insightful kink bloggers I know. If you find yourself becoming a bit bored with the usual web board and sex blogging fare, then I urge you to add Clarisse to your regular reading.


And for those of you following American football, here’s a picture of Madonna to get you into the mood for her performance at the half-time show in the upcoming Superbowl.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Chastity & Orgasm Denial, orgasm control, orgasm denial, Sexuality & Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to When orgasms are not the best part of sex

  1. Jz says:

    I am going to buy that woman a cup of coffee!
    (Clarisse, that is. Madonna makes me far too uncomfortable…)


  2. slave_nemo says:

    I can’t speak for the women of the world, but as for my wife and me…
    A few years back (when I was her Master) I would spend hours (sometimes in BDSM mode) teasing and tantalizing her body. But my favorite thing was when I denied her an orgasm. She, on the other hand took NO delight in that. She would get angry because I denied her release.

    But now that she took charge, she has seen the world of tease and denial in a whole new light. I think if I were to tease and then deny her again, she wouldn’t mind at all. She understands that it’s the journey and not the destination that is most important.


  3. Thanks for the lovely compliments : )


  4. Tom Allen says:

    Dammit, I swear that I’ve been trying to link these pictures back to the Tumblr posts so people can get the credit for posting them, but WordPress seems to hijack my efforts. Anybody out there know what I’m doing wrong? Do I have to hand edit each picture instead of using the WordPress linking tool?


  5. Ric C says:

    …when they take their own orgasm out of the sexual play, that they learn to become more appreciative of the sensual side of their play.

    In a serious relationship sex is a way of connecting. As men are more sex driven they kind of loose a bit that connection part in the heat of the moment… say at the first kiss? So true that ejaculation is NOT orgasm. Makes me better understand women when they seem satisfied from relaxed sensual play: I used to try harder caressing her thinking that maybe I lacked something that night… Not any more. Finaly OD is good for self-esteem!


  6. Faile says:

    Recently I’ve been very aware that a lot of the time sex doesn’t need to end with orgasm (for me or him) to feel completely satisfying.
    On the other hand, for me, there’s sometimes a level of tension where that release becomes necessary.
    Interestingly though, taking orgasm as a non-compulsory activity means I actually enjoy them a lot more.

    Faile x


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