Every once in a while… okay, more often than I’d admit, I run across a news article that leaves me a bit perplexed. This week, it was the 19 year old man who had spent the previous year charting and graphing every time he masturbated.
Now, maybe it’s because the lack of technology at the time simply wasn’t available, but when I was a teenager, if I had to chart every time I rubbed one out, jerked off, played with myself, dated Rosie Palm, took matters into my own hands, mastered my domain, flogged the dolphin, spanked the monkey, choked the chicken, peeled the banana, beat the meat, played pocket pool, petted the trouser snake, bopped the bologna, slammed the salami, primed the pump, buttered the corn, painted the pole, or shook the sausage, well, I’d have spent more time with a pad and pencil than scratching my own itch.
But certainly kudos go to this intrepid lad who leaves this legacy for science. Some highlights:
- On the average, he masturbated once every 30 hours.
- His longest session was 150 minutes (that’s 2-1/2 hours)
- His shortest session was 5 minutes.
- Overall, he averaged about 45 minutes per session.
- The math works out to his having spent about 3% of his free time in cleaning the pipes.
I’m sure a lot of my readers are smiling (or smirking) over the thought of what my own graph would look like. Well, as it happens, Mrs. Edge has been visiting family this past week, and we’re on a bit of a chastity device break. Well, not so much of a break, as she suggested that I should wear it, but she forgot to remind me before she left. Not having so much unfettered time to myself in a while, my data points look like this:
- Saturday: Cleaned up the snow on the roof all afternoon, was so exhausted that I went to bed and fell asleep without wanking.
- Sunday: Went back up to the roof to finish clearing the ice dam, did some home maintenance, and fell asleep without wanking.
- Monday: Discovered an ice dam on the roof at work, spent the afternoon shoveling snow. Went home exhausted and fell asleep.
- Tuesday: Worked late, came home and exercised late, had some leftovers, and went to bed. Thought about lubing the tube, but dozed off while looking at Tumblr porn on my phone.
- Wednesday: Actually managed to yank the crank to completion when I went to bed, and fell immediately asleep.
- Thursday: Thought about repeating previous night’s episode, looked at some Tumblr porn on my phone, fell asleep in bed.
- Friday: Stayed up late watching a movie, dozed off on the couch.
- Saturday: Spent the day cleaning the house so Mrs. Edge wouldn’t freak when she got home, went to be late, fell asleep looking at Tumblr porn on my phone.
- Sunday: Spent the day looking at Tumblr porn so I’d have something to fantasize about. Realized that I’d wasted too much time to be able to ruin my eyesight before I’d have to leave for the airport.
I’m sure that there’s a lesson in all this, but damned if I can figure it out.
While we’re thinking about wanking the crank…
I have to confess that I thought quite a bit about how displeased Mrs. Edge was going to be with me when she got home.