The Fifty-five Year Old Virgins

So, Mrs Edge and a bunch of her friends were going out to some local production of “Le Wicked Miz Cats” or something that I didn’t have much interest in seeing. She invited them over for dinner and drinks beforehand, with the suggestion that if I cleaned the kitchen afterwards, then it might bode well for me getting some kind of treat later on. And it worked out pretty well for both of us, actually.

But I’m sure that nobody is really interested in that kind of thing. Besides, that’s not the point of this post.

So, I joined them for dinner; partly because I was hungry, and partly because it was actually in the dining room. Yes, the dining room. When the aliens land and start looking at middle-class American homes, they are going to wonder about the shrine that many people have which only is used for religious feasts several times a year. “The inhabitants of this house must have been particularly devout practitioners; several of the younger inhabitants appeared to have shared a room, although there was plenty of space at the other end of the house which appeared to be reserved for the household temple of feasts.”

Anyway, her friends — all 50+ year old women who are no longer married — were talking about dating, and several of them complained that “It’s like men are only after one thing.” I tried to just smile and nod, hoping to get out of this alive, when one of them started talking about her plan to make any potential suitor wait at least 3 months before she’d get into bed with him. To my surprise, several other women agreed enthusiastically with her.

This caused an involuntary reaction, and I began coughing up some linguini. Eyes turned toward me. Too late, I was going to have to join the conversation.

“So, Tom; you’re a sensible kind of guy. What do you think of that idea?”

I started saying that I had known several of these women since we were in our twenties, and there’s no way in hell that any of them would have waited three weeks, let alone three months. I added, “Besides, you’re all fifty-plus years old, and the guys that you’re going to meet are other fifty year old guys who are most likely starved for affection. What do you think that you have to offer that’s worth waiting for?”

The sudden sharp connection between my shin and Mrs Edge’s pump reminded me that I was now crossing out of “sensible” into “too blunt” territory, so I quickly got up to fetch more wine.  When I got back, they were complaining that they were tired of the men who only seemed to be after one thing, and how they were going to be much more careful in who they dated.

It’s worth noting that out of these women, all of them were recently divorced, and have had at least two marriages in the previous fifteen years – except for one who was newly into her third, or possibly fourth marriage.  Interestingly, all of them agreed that making the guy wait some (in my opinion) inordinately long amount of time was the appropriate strategy.

I’ve since asked several other older friends about this, and I have to admit that I’m a bit startled to find that most of them agreed with this approach. Maybe I’m just thinking about it wrong, but I can’t help but imagine that if I were 50+ and single, I wouldn’t want to waste a quarter of a year just to see if a potential partner was sexually compatible with me; although to be fair, I’m pretty certain that most of the women in my social circle would not make the rankings (and wouldn’t come close to Mrs Edge, anyway).

So, since we have a number of more mature readers here, can any of you give me some insight as to this mindset? I mean, I can understand waiting when you’re 20. But after two or three children and a couple of husbands, what the heck are you holding out for? And guys? What do you think of this approach?

 


And thinking about something wicked …

Danica Collins. So hot right now...

… allows the incomparable Danica Collins to once again grace our pages.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Culture, Dating, intimacy, Sexuality & Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to The Fifty-five Year Old Virgins

  1. thumper says:

    “…if I were 50+ and single, I wouldn’t want to waste a quarter of a year just to see if a potential partner was sexually compatible with me…”

    Damned fucking straight. That’s crazy talk.

    • thumper says:

      And really, 50+, 60+, 20+…doesn’t matter.

      • Tom Allen says:

        I mean, okay, when you’re 25 and you’re looking for good husband material and if you believe that a similarly aged guy waiting a few months is a sign of commitment, yeah, I can sort of understand. I don’t agree, but I see the logic.

        At 50, you’re not looking for a father for your children, you’re looking for companionship. And possibly someone to help around the house. Or go out to dinner with – or not. But playing the coquette after a couple of marriages just seems rather pointless.

  2. Ferns says:

    If their complaint is ‘they are only after one thing’ and their solution is ‘make him wait’ and your (correct) conclusion is that the man is going to go ‘fuck that/you/this’, then I assume they have achieved their goal of weeding out men interested in sex. So I guess it makes sense.

    Note that I said ‘interested in sex’, not ‘JUST interested in sex’. So they will find a nice companionable man who isn’t interested in sex with them (or possibly anyone), so yeah. Yay? I guess. Because that SOUNDS AWESOME!😛

    Ferns

    • Tom Allen says:

      My god, i went back to re-read this, and it sounds like all of our friends are from an Arkansas trailer park. But these are college-educated, middle-class suburban women. With that mindset.

      I literally can’t even.

  3. Ferns says:

    I’d add that my comment there is about some mandatory 3 month period that they have arbitrarily decided on.

    I don’t have sex with a man until I feel like it, and that takes as long as it takes and has nothing to do with ‘making him wait’ and more to do with ‘me wanting to’, BUT if *I* can resist *him* for three months, then it’s pretty clear that I’m really not all that into him.

    Ferns

    • Tom Allen says:

      I totally understand the “wait until I feel like it” mindset, because it implies that you’re waiting until that you see he’s passed some kind of fitness test. Or something. But yeah, if you just aren’t getting the tingles after three months, then it probably isn’t going to after another three.

      But I did want to mention that I have known several of them for 30+ years, and believe me, I don’t think that some of them waited three *days* a few times. That said, however, maybe there’s a reason that all of them have been married twice in the time that Mrs Edge and I have been together…

  4. Jz says:

    I’m mid-fifties and get annoyed at men who “only want one thing” myself…
    and still I think that’s one of the dumbest plans I’ve ever heard.

    Of course, I’m not big on rules at the best of times, but this arbitrary deadline nonsense is just silly. As Ferns says, when you’re ready is the only rule that need apply.

    Yes, there are a lot of men out there who are offensively pushy about sex. But frankly, a person should have figured out how to deal with that by this point in life. (Of course, I do have a highly-effective emasculating snort — others may may not be so lucky…)

    The reality here is that a mandatory three month denial is every bit as sexually manipulative as the aggressiveness that is triggering this response. The behavior is no better or more admirable, the only difference is in who holds the upper hand — something that may be more attractive to these women, but is still no less demeaning to everyone involved.

    (just one woman’s opinion…)

    • Tom Allen says:

      Of course, I do have a highly-effective emasculating snort

      And I hope that you only use your powers for good.

      In brightest day,
      In darkest night,
      No evil shall escape her sight.
      Let those who worship Evil’s might
      Beware the power of Jz’s slight!

  5. Diane Jones says:

    When I feel like fucking a new man almost always happens sooner than later. It can be as simple as meet for coffee and go straight home to fuck. If he’s only interested in getting laid that’s fine. I was interested in sex, so was he. Why wait? Life is getting really short and sex is good and good for us.

    So he moves on and has done me a favor by voting with his feet. It eliminates wasted time. I have been surprised by the number of men who circle back a month or several years later. They tell me what they thought I was (their projections) and that, after consideration, I really wasn’t that.

    I’m not sure if the men who appear to be only interested in sex are actually more interested in not getting caught in another relationship that may not work. So he tries to get sex as soon as he can in case he can’t get it three months or a year later. He may stick around if he doesn’t feel threatened that the woman is trying to nail him down or, on the other side of the equation, if he digs her and wants to stick around.

    I’ve previously been concerned about what a man would think of me having sex with him not too long after we meet. Does he think I’m a slut, that I walk around everyday looking for another piece of quick meat? Another conquest on my part? These days I think that if he does think that, it’s his psychopathology. My sexual choices don’t mean that I’m the girl his mother said to stay away from. If we fuck, he takes his leave, and thinks I’m a slut, he just goes home with more evidence for his misunderstandings about women.

    Then there are the men who know that because I’m willing to admit my sexual desire and act on it, doesn’t mean I’m a slut.

    And can we do something about the word, “slut?”

    • Tom Allen says:

      Heh – I pointed out that Mrs Edge and I waited for the first or second date (depending upon how you count a date). I explained how we had both been previously married; she had a fairly recent breakup, and I had been recently divorced from my starter marriage. We decided that we were both adults, and if we felt like getting a piece of ass, that was nobody’s effing business but our own. The girls responded by saying “Yeah, but it was obvious that the two of you were meant for each other, blah blah.”

      I like your attitude that if a guy moves on early, that’s less time that you need to waste on him.🙂

    • J N says:

      I’m very like you in this way! I (a 45-year-old woman) seek sex and don’t postpone it when someone and I both want it. And yes, the slut question comes up, but I frame it differently. I say that the fact that I’m willing to admit my sexual desire and act on it does make me a slut, and that that is an excellent thing to be; I bring more joy to the world following my desires than I would suppressing them. I define a slut as a person who embraces their desires and makes good (reasonably appropriate!) use of them. I’ve told my lovers, with admiration, how much I enjoy their sluttiness.

      Some years ago I had a thing with a man who not just enjoys but actively appreciates slutty women, which added further pleasure to our five-month relationship. We were talking about it once and I mentioned men who have contempt for women who love sex and don’t hide that. “There are a lot of men,” I said, “who hate women who will fuck them.” He collapsed a bit, I think wishing he could disagree with me, and finally said sadly, “I’ve never understood why they do that.”

  6. I dunno here. I didn’t get my first date until I was twenty-five.

    Then after my first wife tossed me, I went eleven more years.

    I met Miss Plains Chastity on an Internet Dating site, and we chatted five or six months before I flew out to meet her.

    The drive home was about three hours from the airport. The wait after that was about three minutes.

    We’re still married after seven years; my first marriage lasted eleven. I don’t foresee us breaking up.

  7. For me, the idea is to not get caught up in being sexually “addicted” to the guy if the sex is great before deciding on a hopefully more objective basis if this one is really relationship material. It’s much harder to break away from a toxic person when that whole thing gets stirred up.

    I also want to know that we’ve got enough in common, and a good enough rapport, outside the bedroom to ensure that he *is* also companion material for the parts of life outside the bedroom. Yes, I’m past childbearing age, but I would still like to find someone compatible on all levels to spend the rest of my life with. I’m old enough to know that that foundation isn’t built on sex – or at least not unless there is *also* a lot of compatibility apart from that.

    • Diane Jones says:

      Guys, can you help me out here? Are there guys who want a relationship with sex as the foundation? Everything else is chicken or fish and who gets the remote control?

  8. Stabbity says:

    The three month thing is kind of puzzling. It really hurts to find out you like someone a whole lot more than they like you back, but I don’t think an arbitrary (and probably excessive) waiting period is going to keep you safe from that. Like Ferns said, that’s just going to weed out men who are interested in sex *at all*. It’s kind of mean, but I’d have to laugh if one of them actually found a guy who was willing to stick it out for three months, then when she’s finally ready to have sex he just says “Meh, I’d rather watch a movie.”

    Oh! Wait, I think I know what’s really going on. Maybe these women are just scared of going through another divorce/big painful breakup and subconsciously don’t want to get too attached. So they come up with this impossible standard so that they can disqualify everyone without openly admitting they don’t want to date anymore and having to deal with all of the gross stereotypes about women who like being single.

  9. Roberto says:

    Tom, that’s an interesting posting. I find most of my thoughts already expressed, but I wondered why Mrs. Edge came so close to your shin? Asking yourself what you could offer a potential partner is one of the most important question to answer yourself honestly, and the answer will change with age. Couldn’t that have been a real discussion?

  10. SexwAnnie says:

    What’s crazy is the women of today, the twenty, thirty and even some forty something year old’s have sex with whom they want and when they want. To them the word slut is more or less worn like a badge of honor. So as fifty year old women why do we still think if we have sex with someone too soon that we will be considered a slut?

    So I asked my husband of thirty years what he would do in this scenario. And he said when it’s right it’s right. What the hell would we be waiting for? He also said if she told him she wanted to wait he would make sure she knew she was missing out some of the best sex of her life. And then he would bid her farewell.

    As for me if the mood is right, the man is right, and it just feels right, what the hell do I have to lose? At fifty we’re no longer kids. We don’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves.
    And I’m so confident in my sexuality that there’s no way a man would call me a slut and mean it in a bad way, lol. Great post Tom!!!

  11. junior says:

    I am not yet in my 50s, but rest assured that if I became single at that time, I would be going after much more “compatible” types, if you know what I’m saying. I’ve already done the ‘love of my life’, ‘mother of my children’, ‘best friend’ thing and that kind of woman would be the last thing on my mind. It’s all about having fun at this point.

    I think a lot of 50-something single men would share my sentiment at least at its basic core, so these women are just narrowing down their options to make it nearly impossible to find someone who meets these silly standards.

  12. Mrs Fever says:

    I’ve heard that there are men out there who are “only interested in one thing” but, oddly, I’ve never encountered one of them. Most of the men I know, and ALL of the men I am sexually involved with, are much more multi-faceted. Which is *why* my relationships evolve to include sex. And each relationship progresses at its own pace, not on some arbitrary timeline.

    Hmmm… Maybe that’s just me?

    If the men these women are dating are so one-dimensional, perhaps they should examine the ‘why’ of that. Like attracts to like, after all.

    Oh, and… (said with a good-natured smile) I do find a certain irony in the fact that men who presumably kink on denial (your male readers/commenters) would complain about being told “no”, arbitrarily or otherwise. 😉

  13. Lened says:

    I’m 63 and have been single since I was 55. I have had numerous relationships with women age 50+ and have never gone more than 3 dates before we got intimate. One of the beautiful things about dating at this age is that, assuming two medically clean people, the sex can be guilt free. Several women have slept with me on the first date mostly because we were having a good time and it seems like a natural extension of the evening. If a woman can wait 3 months then she’ll never want to be intimate. Intimacy isn’t something you give, it’s something you share.

    • J N says:

      Sorry, I’m not understanding — why is there a change in guilt level about sex because people are over fifty, and how is cleanliness connected to guilt? And what is medical cleanliness? It sounds like something about infection protocol, maybe using gloves or handwashing? (I prefer to use gloves when I am touching my partner’s anus and rectum — probably prude of me, but I get a bit squeamish without the gloves and my partner loves it either way)

      (I’ve never felt guilty about sex except the time I did it with someone who was cheating on someone else, so I’m probably missing something big, and am curious to know what it is!)

  14. Letstryit says:

    Suppose you let him wait the arbitrary period before sharing some skin and it turns out sex was his only agenda: wouldn’t one consider those three months as a terrible waste of time?

  15. Caliandris says:

    I agree with everyone about the arbitrary deadline for sex, but I am pretty amazed that you don’t understand the reason why an older woman might want to wait. Women are pretty neurotic about their attractiveness when in their twenties; a woman who has had several children, may have baggy bits and stretchmarks etc, will be even more reluctant to get naked with a new man in the early hours of their relationship.

    Everyone wants different things from their relationships, and it seems pretty clear that your acquaintances don’t just want a bit of fun, they want a long-term relationship. A lot of women, and some men too, find themselves bonded to someone they’ve slept with in a way which makes parting much more painful. Of course everyone is different, of course, what they want may be different, but that’s why an older woman might want to wait and see how the rest of the relationship works out before she commits to sex.

    I’d have thought readers with an interest in BDSM would be even more likely to go in for negotiation and information exchange before they tried the squelchy stuff – being honest and open about needs in that area would be a tricky conversation to have on the first couple of dates. You’d need to know someone’s background and feel quite comfortable with them to announce that chastity and domination were important parts of your sex life, for example.

    I’m surprised that you in particular would react in this way and assume a relationship without sleeping together was a relationship without sex. It’s whatever you want it to be, but when two strangers get together there’s a whole lot more than whether you fit together in bed to work out. Unless you just want a fuck buddy, which is a different thing altogether.

    • Tom Allen says:

      Everyone wants different things from their relationships, and it seems pretty clear that your acquaintances don’t just want a bit of fun, they want a long-term relationship.

      I understand what you’re saying, but there’s a difference between waiting until you feel “comfortable” and waiting for three months of regular dating. Holding out that long would seem to be produce exactly the opposite of what you want; that is, if you’re looking for a guy who will stick around, then you also need to give him a *reason* to stick around.

      And as to the negotiation – I’m fine with that. It’s just that the conversation as it happened indicated that they wanted to set an (arbitrary, IMO) time period. If they are willing to negotiate around that with their partners, then that would obviously work out better for all concerned.

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