“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.
From: “Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp” by Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan
More examples to be found here:
Extravagant metaphors are indecently exposed in the shortlist for the Literary Review’s annual showcase of ‘outstandingly bad’ erotic writing
Source: Bad sex award 2018: the contenders in quotes | Books | The Guardian
Speaking of which, Mrs Edge tells me that I won’t be emptying my tanks for a very long time.
Mrs Edge used to tell me this a lot. Now she just assumes that I already know it.
The Edge of Vanilla 
Holy cow, that’s bad!
Not to mention the peculiarly-mixed metaphors…
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“Vaginal ratchet.”
OMG…
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While there are some entertainingly bad examples in the article that made me smile/grimace (the Kismet one for example), I think the scoundrels excerpt is rather badly chosen by the awards committee. If you look at the book its from, its deliberately ridiculous, over the top and packed with stupid metaphors. So yes, it’s terrible, but I kind of think that was what the writers intended. It’s a parody.
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We need a MST3K group for this kind of bad writing.
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