When Someone You Love is Kinky – 3

I’ve been writing on the period in our marriage when I finally explained to my wife that I could no longer keep some of my desires for kink and other sexual intimacy buried. At the time I was writing extensively in various web groups, and I was surprised at the amount of email that I received not merely from fellow group members, but from people I didn’t even know. The messages were both supportive and questioning, with a number of men (and some women) asking me how I managed to work up the courage to tell her, and if I had any tips to pass along. When you think about it, this is both funny and sad – how many people consider a person with only a single experience to be an expert?

This is from a conversation a few weeks after I made the post that I quoted in my last article:

“I read your “Kinky – Part Two” message today. I’m happy for you. Can you provide specifics that finally led you to giving the book to your wife? Before and after scenarios I guess. I’ve been married for 12 years and I just can’t get my wife to understand some of my needs sexually. I’d really like to know more detail about what you communicated and what she has delivered and how you made it all happen.”

My response:

I’m not sure how much info I can give that will be useful. That is, I don’t know what your marital situation is, but my wife and I were separated for almost a year, and she knew that I might not come back. It’s not just a kink thing that caused the rift, either, but sexuality issues were certainly in there.

On my part, I explained that there were several “pillars” that supported my life, and that I was in a position in which none of them were working. In no particular order, I counted Sexuality, Intimacy, Finances, Career, and Lifestyle. You can see how they’d all be related somewhat, and I pointed out that if two or three of them were in working condition, then I might have been able to get by; but in the latter part of our marriage I felt as if none of them were okay. We hadn’t had any intimacy in so long that she’d actually forgotten what I was talking about when I told her that it was missing. Sexuality was a big issue for me, and because we didn’t have the intimacy with which to discuss it, that made it loom much larger than it needed to be. The lack of intimacy also led to poor communication about our lifestyle and the spending that seemed to go along with it, which impacted my career choice.

Are you with me so far?

All that being said, I think that you’re really asking for some tips on how to get your wife to understand your needs. How intimate are you already? Can you talk frankly and openly about what turns you on? Do you go out of your way to do things that you know that she likes? Do you even know what she likes? Sometimes it’s so sad to realize that after a dozen years, a couple of kids, and a whole bunch of things in between that we are still living with a stranger.

FWIW, I told my wife that I’ve had these desires since I was a preteen, and that I’ve always had some mental component that I’ve added to sex. Not necessarily a fantasy, more like mentally setting a tone or a mood or atmosphere. I asked her to read this particular book. There are others, of course, depending on what your ideas are. Since my kinks tend mostly toward female domination, I pointed her to websites that I thought were good and basic, not wanting to scare the hell out of her. http://www.akashaweb.com is very good; a little cluttered, but I cribbed her “Good Girl’s Guide to Female Domination”, and printed it out along with pages from several other sites. She read those after she read “Someone… Kinky”, but in the middle of reading, she and I were already talking.

On her end, she decided that if it was that big a part of my life, she would at least invest some time in trying to understand it. To her credit, she didn’t “turn off” or dismiss the web images and readings as sick, perverted, or try to impose some kind of moral judgment on the activities (which she had done in the past). That being said, I also didn’t make any demands on her to do anything more than listen. I told her several times that I wasn’t even sure what I expected from her at this point, I only wanted to tell her what I was feeling and then we’d take it from there.

Now, understand that if you believe, as I do, that our sexuality is “wired” into us, some women are just going to have a more difficulty than others in understanding, let alone accepting this. Wiring, cultural mores, public opinion, religious upbringing, attitudes of friends and family, etc., will all have an impact on how your wife (and you, yourself) are going to both perceive things, and to integrate them. My wife didn’t rush out to get that leather catsuit, but she was able to integrate certain aspects into her general persona.

Here’s something that came out in conversation with her: She often felt “pressured” to have sex, even though I don’t ever remember having done so. She used to get upset if I’d snuggle her or kiss her neck while she was cooking or reading or something. For some reason, she interpreted any affection as a signal for sex, so the more (gently) affectionate I tried to be, the more she felt pressured. She’s trying to get over that feeling now, and she’s using some of what she now knows about me to help. Would she like a warm oil massage a half hour before bed, without feeling pressured to have sex? No problem. Foot rub? Shoulder rub? A glass of wine? Coming right up, dear. See, we’re “playing” with the idea that I’ll do things for her with a guarantee that she’ll never have to feel pressured, that she is, in fact, now in complete control of that situation. So for her, this works because it takes the sense of pressure out of the equation, for me, it works because I can add components that mesh with my kinks. For example, I used to say that foreplay could be a 24/7 arrangement. Now it is, because I never know when she’ll want to have sex, but that doesn’t stop me from being affectionate and intimate, and for her, it’s a thrill to keep me guessing as to when she’ll want it, but she’s certainly enjoying the attention.

I’m not sure if this is any help to you; there wasn’t any one thing that I remember saying that made it come together for her, I suspect that she herself has a few kinks and what we’re doing just seemed to mesh well. If you remember some of my previous writings, there were any number of times that I’ve tried to get her to understand where I was on sexuality, and she just didn’t seem to “get it”. So why now? I don’t know. Neither does she. I’m not going to spend much time trying to analyze that though, instead, we’re going to focus on how to keep our new model of communication open and functioning so that it doesn’t happen again.

The only thing that I can add is that you’ll need to talk more intimately with your wife, perhaps for a few months. Consider therapy, if need be. And keep in mind that you’ve got some kind of ideas that you’ve been carrying around in your head for years, but she doesn’t, so you’ve got to find some way to present them as something that will push her buttons.