Large Hardon Collider

Large Hardon Collider

From the appropriately named website


Currently under construction, the LHC is scheduled to begin operation in May 2008.

The LHC is expected to become the world’s largest and highest energy penile accelerator ever assembled. Expected to penetrate new areas, the LHC will produce high speed, head-on collisions between beams of yonic and phallic particles.

When switched on, it is hoped that colliding the hard-on will produce the elusive Higgs Climactic Particle — often dubbed the ‘Oh God! Part’ — the observation of which could confirm the ‘missing contacts’ for my human intercourse, and explain how other elementary parts acquire properties such as [m]ass, attraction, hotness, chemistry, etc.

Safety Concerns:

Black Holes: Should any Black Holes or odoriferous radiation discharged thereof be encountered during operation, I plan to simply ignore its presence and continue on with the matter at hand, colliding my hard-on.

Strange Matter: Hey, I’ll try anything once.

Some of you may know that two men are suing to keep the new Large Hadron Collider from being used for atom smashing experiments because they are worried that it will create a miniature black hole which will suck the Earth into it. I will leave the double entendres up to my gentle readers.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in Beyond the Edge, Culture, Fetish & Kink, Humor, News and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Large Hardon Collider

  1. That’s a great post. I’ve been following the Large Hadron Collider with great interest, but I should have known it was a matter of time before the “Large Hardon” site was created.


  2. Elizavetta says:

    Alas, I am all entendre-ed out. But never having heard of the LHC, I can now consider myself enlightened. Beyond belief. And I have you to thank, Tom.

    I love this series of tubes we live on!


  3. Fuse says:

    Never had heard about it before, but now, at least according to these two men, we may not have long to worry about our future, eh?

    I have a vision of a group of aliens out in space watching earth, and when we suddenly are sucked into a black hole of our own creation, one turns to the other and hands it a credit, while the other smugly says “see, I told you”…


  4. Fuse says:

    oh, and we end up on their version of the Darwin Awards…


  5. Patty says:

    Tom this is hysterical! I worked at Fermilab for a while and my experiment will be up at the LHC in the next few years. This is fabulous. I can’t wait to send it on to my physics friends.


  6. Tom Allen says:

    Okay, I asked a bunch of people and hardly anyone knew about the LHC – or even about some of the other atom smashers. I’m obviously too geeky for my friends.

    Patty – A physics babe on my blog? Smart chicks are very hot!


  7. metaspyder says:

    A standing ovation from myself.


  8. roo-roo says:

    This had me cracking up. I love it!


  9. says:

    As Marci (I hope I am right about this) in the “Peanuts” cartoon said “You are truly weird, Sir.” But I mean it in a good way.


  10. Dave P. says:

    Now this thing is on Yahoo’s front page.

    Would one of you geeks care to explain how this one compares to that aborted money suck in Waxahatchee, TX? What ever came of that thing, anyway…underground feedlot?


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