Sorry, I was just feeling lonely, so I picked a title that I thought would get some traffic. Hey, it brought you, didn’t it?
Anyhow, Ms. Ferns is having a bit of a challenge. A fitness challenge.
Ferns has decided that as the umpteenth anniversary of her 29th birthday looms, she wants to stop being the soft, little thing we’ve come to know, and to become the hardbody goddess that we all imagine her to be. And since she gets lonely, all the way over in that little island, she was hoping that some of you could join in with her.
Ferns is doing a “Body for Life” workout routine, which is an upper/lower body split 3 days a week, with cardio thrown in the intervening days. It’s tough – Mrs. Edge and I did that together a few years ago, and while it worked very well, each day we’d walk out of the gym exhausted. More than once our arms or legs would still be trembling too much to drive home.
Most of my long-suffering readers know that I’ve maintained my own exercising since then. Unfortunately, I’ve had to give up some of the lifting because of some stupid physical injuries I sustained, probably from lifting things that were too heavy pushing a busload of children off some railroad tracks. But I’ve continued to diet and have been bicycling longer and longer distances, so I’ve decided to take Ms. Ferns up on her challenge. I’ve been looking for an easy to use exercise tracker that allows me to share my progress, but I haven’t run across anything that really looks like it will do exactly what I want; I may just have to post weekly updates on this blog.
ETA: It looks like I can work with http://endomondo.com, except that I’ll probably need to manually copy the statistics graph and paste it into the Fitness Porn page, where you can view my progress.
With that in mind, here are some starting pictures: This is me at 175 pounds (79.5 kg, or 12.5 stone for you Brits). My goal is to get down to 165 by the end of the summer or early fall. That’s going to be tough with several family vacations planned, but with your support and encouragement, I think we can do it.
The stupid spandex squeezes up a little bit of love handles.
BTW, for those of you unfamiliar with cycling, the shorts are meant to be worn commando, i.e., with nothing underneath. I plan to be wearing them a lot over the summer.
Edit:
Raposo’s comment leads me to ask the question: Is my hair too long? Do I need a close-cropped cut now? Or can I get away with the boyish look for a few more years?
The Edge of Vanilla 
@Tom Allen: You’re my hero, saving little children and all.
I am behind you 100%! *wink, wink*
What can I do to keep you motivated?
-H
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You look good for an office worker, Tommy. Why don’t you stop the cake-eating and other soft family-stuff, and work out like a beast for three months! And… psst: That (lack of) haircut makes you look too much like Peroxide, isn’t it time for a closer crop?
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Unfortunately for me, I rarely eat cake or other baked goods anyway, and I suspect that working out like at beast for a few months last year is what gave me some of the injuries that have sidelined me now.
And pssst: I had just gotten a trim the week before this picture was taken. Maybe we should put that to a vote?
Hey! Maybe I’m Peroxide’s father.
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No vote, I’m guaranteed to lose that. But my eye for style never fails! Peroxide’s father? Hmm…. Hallowed be your name.
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Good god that’s a frightening thought.
On the other hand enforced chastity might explain why my father was always so uptight.
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I rarely say this, but I think “ROFLMAO” applies here. Peroxides Dad… tee hee. 🙂
BTW, Tom, I think the boyish looks works. 🙂
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About TIME you brought back the gratuitous flesh!!!!
;-D
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Are you going to complain about my muffintop, mufffin?
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heck no.
I’m thinking you’re the only one who sees that “muffintop”…
The rest of us just see the inevitability of spandex. 😉
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“The Inevitability of Spandex.” Oh yes, one of Dali’s last commercial paintings, wasn’t it?
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Are you REALLY not supposed to wear anything under bike shorts? I might have to start taking a closer look at all the cyclists around town. And by the way, I think you look good just the way you are.
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The padding in the shorts – “chamois”, although it’s not actual leather anymore – provides a padding, plus wicks away moisture to prevent chafing.
When I used to go out on shorter rides it wasn’t a big deal, but this year I’ve really seen the difference. My nether regions is very pleased.
So yes, next time you see those guys zipping by, look more closely.
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Yay you young fitster you!! I love that you are joining me *happy dance*. Looking good, by the way, Tom. Though I still want the boxer-briefs… sorry, but spandex is so eighties…
“she wants to stop being the soft, little thing we’ve come to know, and to become the hardbody goddess that we all imagine her to be”
*laugh* I WANT to be insulted, however those who have seen my nudes already know what ‘soft little me’ looks like, and ‘hardbody goddess’ does just about cover the objective…
I am off to add your porn link to my workout page *before I head to the gym*, on a Saturday morning, no less… *raaawwwrrrr!!*
And count one vote for shorter hair. I actually love hair that I can grab, but since Mrs Edge has the monopoly on hair-grabbing here, I’d go for a military type cut. You can totally get away with it with those fabulous silver locks.
Ferns
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This Ferns character wrote: “be warned, it’s a brutal regime and more than a little confusing.” I’m impressed that she decided to take on such an arduous task. Good for her! One day I hope to emulate her example and get my own house in order.
As for u? U definitely need to dye the grey mass on ur chest, because I hate to think of myself as wanting to run my hands across that grey fur of urs. I’ve been trying to imagine you as a younger, dark haired sexy beast, and now you’ve ruined that fantasy.
Best way to lose weight? Diet and exercise. I wish I had the willpower that you display, but maybe by the end of the summer you will have set a good example for me.
And thanks for sharing. 🙂
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Changing my comment shows me how much I’ve missed our little tete a tetes. I’m almost – almost, mind you – willing to overlook your grey hair.
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I know u meant well Uncle Tom, but i know u wouldn’t want to violate the truth, but only r suffering from ur addiction wanting to be the wittiest patient on the block. But while I do appreciate your efforts to keep me from making an ass of myself over you, I’m strangely compelled to profess my devotion. So here’s my comment (that’s the one u were forced to mutilate eh?) in it’s pure form again:
“This Ferns character, I don’t like her admiring you, nor asking forr pictures of u in ur underwear. I thought we had something special, and here u are, flaunting ur manly charms. I feel somehow violated.
As for u? U definitely need to dye the grey mass on ur chest. And stop looking so damn hot! Ur haunting my dreams.
Best way to lose weight? And mind u, on schedule? Get ur sexy ass down to my beach house, and spend the summer relaxing, eating fresh, local food, and riding around the area, and having daily lovemaking under the stars. Ha ha, no, wait, that would be the best way for me to lose weight. When can you visit?”
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Wow Ayesha,
Way to go, you really make me want to do evil things, like brain washing, come to Michael Ayesha, your brain needs a good scrubbing with carbloic soap.
Michael
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Well do it!
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I wish you all the luck in the world. I, too, need to lose some weight, but I am waiting until they come up with an exercise program that works while sitting on the couch in front the television.
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Atkins.
No, seriously. In fitness circles, there’s a maxim that “you can’t out-train a bad diet,” and it’s true. An hour on the bike gives me 15 miles and uses about 700 calories. I could wipe that out having a big piece of chocolate cake, or even a couple of hot dogs at a picnic.
That said, eating exceptionally low-carb for several months, even with no increase in exercise, can cause you to burn up stored body fat.
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I regret having tried to help and support you here, Tom. You’re changing people’s comments, and that is an awful thing to do. You must have lost your compass somewhere, and now you’re dragging your name through the dirt in a bad way.
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Help and support what, exactly, Raposo?
Wait, are you suggesting that I should have been taking Ayesha’s comments like this seriously?
Oh for fuck’s sake, to the both of you.
Poor Ayesha. She’s a double agent for the KGB, was a high ranking colonel in the Israeli army, was a sniper in three South American revolutions, has several homes with multiple adoring slaves of various genders, is 6’2″ and became a registered UFC champion after she quit modeling for a major fashion company.
Yet for some reason she has nothing better to do than to sit in her corner of the internet and crow about her own accomplishments… except when she decides to heckle people who try to engage her in conversation. And when some people block her from commenting on their blogs, she writes a five page rant on her own blog about the inauthenticity and easily hurt feelings of other people.
I’m not sure why you feel the need to come to her defense, nor why you follow her around the internet like a puppy. Furthermore, I suspect that you scout out negative comments and point them out to her, although again, I don’t understand why. Surely a woman who has faced death a hundred times and has strangled a pterodactyl with her bare hands can take some criticism.
So, really, I’m not sure what you think you were helping with. Brokering a peace treaty, perhaps? Or are you truly concerned with my reputation, and that I don’t drag my name further through the dirt?
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I already knew that there are several things you don’t understand. But nothing of what you say has got anything to do with you falsifying Ayesha’s comments, whether you take them seriously or not. As it is now, you have written three comments under her name.
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Are you suggesting that I should take Ayesha’s comments seriously enough so as not to parody them? Here, let’s look at them again:
For some reason, I do not feel any loss of personal integrity by altering those particular comments into something just as ridiculous. And I doubt if any of my readers will unsubscribe in disgust at my lack of integrity. You know, like you’re going to do.
Which reminds me, just why are you keeping score?
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I also doubt that any of your readers will unsubscribe in disgust at your lack of integrity. Keeping score? Do you mean why do I react to your behaviour, unlike your readers?
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Do you mean why do I react to your behaviour, unlike your readers?
a) Most of my readers have fruitful lives, and are not surfing the internet on a Saturday night, so they missed this exchange.
b) Some of my readers actually saw the original comments, and expressed both disbelief that I continue to allow her to comment, and amusement at my antics.
c) Many of my readers no longer take her seriously because of the reasons alluded to above.
So, that leaves you: Just why are you keeping score?
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I have all the time in the world to do what I like on the internet, whenever I like. I had no idea it was a Saturday, and that being on the Internet is such an unfruitful thing to do. Those readers must have found their tao, don’t you think? Like you have: So you have no choice but to go on and guide yourself by what your readers think, and enjoy the applause they give you.
So that leaves me:
I am right about this, and you are wrong. And there’s nothing that can change that. Not which day of the week it is, and not the opinion you and your readers have about Ayesha. Not how justified you feel in your actions, and not how amusing you all find your falsifications.
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I’m sorry, did I miss the part where you described why this concerned you and why you are taking a personal interest in keeping score of how many times I changed her comments?
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Yes you did.
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Maybe you could reiterate for me why you believe that this concerns you?
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Why I “believe” that this concerns me?! What a macho phrase! You sound more and more like a big patriarchal dick, the more we go on here. But you are a comment falsifyer, and I am only telling the truth.
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So, how does any of this concern you? That is, why do you feel the need to get involved?
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Tom the taoist? You falsify what people write, you publish comments under other people’s names.
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Let me help you, since you see to be losing focus.
It’s pretty obvious that I actually *do not* publish comments under other people’s names, nor do I change anyone’s comments, nor do I even delete comments (except for spam).
However, She-Who-Must-Be-A-Pain, months after storming off in a huff, left a ridiculous and inappropriate comment, which I changed to something just as ridiculous for my own amusement. She responded, and tried reposting her comment for others to see, which I also changed. It’s all pretty obvious, and I freely admitted as much.
For some reason, instead of blocking her, I (unlike a number of other bloggers) decided to allow her to comment as long as she proves capable of proper behavior at the grown-up table.
None of this is your concern of course, which brings around the question: why are you getting involved?
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Deleting comments and blocking commenters is one thing, that’s just irritating. What you did here “for your own amusement” is very much my concern, and I can’t let you wallow freely in your crooked ways.
So you didn’t have the capacity to deal with Ayesha’s “inappropriate” comment in a straight manner. Then maybe you should have deleted it, instead of falsifying three comments. And now you’re trying to pass off as being better than those who delete and block comments.
It’s not “pretty obvious” what you did. Not to your readers (as you have pointed out yourself!), and not to the random internet surfer. And you keep asking why I get involved!
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And you keep asking why I get involved!
And you haven’t answered, which is why I’m still asking.
Why are you involved in this?
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LOL! You don’t even read what I’m saying before you hurry to reply. I have answered your question several times already. Somebody has to say that you are a crook, don’t you understand? Why don’t you try doing what you did here, in what’s called reality, and then come asking why people get involved, hahaha!
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No, Raposo, you’re the one who is not comprehending.
Why are *you* getting involved in what is obviously a disagreement between Ayesha and me? I have not poked fun at *you*, have not changed *your* comments, have not blocked *you*, and until this exchange, have not had any real complaints about *you*.
I can speculate all I want, but the bottom line here, in this thread, is that you have no reason to involve yourself, and if you *think* that you have a reason, you have yet to explain it except to post some drivel about to “help and support” me, and to follow that up with some vague concern that stray internet readers will totally take Ayesha’s comments (which, thanks to you, are now a minority of the discussion itself) literally.
So, back to you: What is your actual intention here? Why do you think that you belong in a disagreement between SWMBAP and I?
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“The bottom line” is that you have falsified three comments by Ayesha.
And I comment here, saying that it is wrong of you. You know I don’t have to ask your permission to comment on internet blogs. You have seen me do it a lot of times, even on Saturdays(!), and you are constantly trying to change the subject.
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I don’t think you understand what “the bottom line” means.
I changed some of her comments. That was never in question.
SWMBAP has not emailed me to complain, nor to offer up an explanation as to why she wrote what she did. What passed is between her and I. The question is why *you* are involving yourself, especially under the guise of helping and supporting me.
What help and support were you offering? To what end? Did SWMBAP ask for your assistance?
I have a hard time understanding why, with all of the bullshit happening all over the internet, you feel compelled to address this one particular issue. So, maybe you can explain why you have involved yourself in a disagreement between Ayesha and I?
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See how you don’t read and understand, not even on lazy Sundays. I was helping and supporting you with your extra kilos and haircut 😐
So maybe you should concentrate on what you’re doing. I’m tired of repeating myself here, as if I was talking to a child. What kind of circus is this, here at your “grown-up table”?
I have nothing to explain to you, are you living in a fantasy? Or is it the constant switch from “online” to “family” that leaves you so confused that you maybe think I’m one of your children.
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IOW, you are not going to directly answer the question, much in the same way that you generally tend to sidestep direct questions. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult for you to explain why you need to insert yourself into a disagreement that has nothing to do with you.
Since you refuse, maybe I should speculate. Jealousy? Naw.
Maybeyou see yourself as Don Quixote, tilting at windmills for your beloved Ayesha? That is why you invariably turn up when she does.
Or maybe it’s because she is actually your sock puppet, and any disagreemnt with her becomes a personal affront. This makes more sense, and explains why she often turns up after you, as if you tipped her off.
I’m going with that one for a while.
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It’s good to see you stop repeating yourself, Big Papa. As long as you do it under your own name, you can go with whatever entertainment that pleases you, for as long as you like.
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Sorry, Rapunzel, but *you* don’t get to set the conditions for what I do on this blog.
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Nah, that wasn’t how I meant my comment, it was “do I bother with your speculations about me. No, it’s not important.” I haven’t got any interest in directing and ordering peeople what to do. I like to read what comes from people, without me tampering with it.
Ferns seems to have blocked me from commenting on her blog, so when you posted a comment there under the name “Tom ‘I am not a crook’ Allen”, I was unable to comment on that. But in this forum, there is no such unpenetratable walls, eh? So here is my comment that Ferns didn’t want to hear:
“Tommy, your nickname reminds me of the Elephant Man: “I am not an animal! I am a human being!” Then he takes off his hood to show the mob his face.
And he has a human face, it’s only a little bit deformed, deviant from the norm.”
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“Most of my readers have fruitful lives, and are not surfing the internet on a Saturday night, so they missed this exchange.”
Fuck. Not fruitful… but amused. 🙂
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You’ll notice that my own life is so fruitful that I’m actually *writing* this stuff on a Saturday night 🙂
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I am not fruitful either (though it is a lazy Sunday afternoon for me), unless you want to count my loins because they are full of fruit, it’s a veritable fruit salad in there. Also my stomach will be full of fermented fruit soon enough.
I choose option b and c, Tom. Also door number 4.
Ferns
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Shave your head and come over to the dark side…we have cookies!
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Begone, foul temptress!
Low carb, heavy on the protein, and simple cooking for me.
Until Christmas, when the cookies and cakes simply can’t be avoided.
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Temptress? Hmmmmm….never been called that before.
But these cookies are made from soy flour (high protein) plus they have walnuts and chocolate chips…dipped in Hershey’s syrup…just sayin’
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Raposo Neves. Apparently Agotaras lives:)
Looking great Tom. How about facing away from the camera next time:)
Hope you are well and glad you are still blogging.
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Yeah, the spirit of Agotaras lives on, in the shape of Mot Nella. It seems to be two sides of the same coin, and I remember Tuco’s immortal words: “What the hell is this?! One bastard goes in and another one comes out.”
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Hi Susan! I’ve missed you and your blog. Hope you’ve been well.
I’ll try to position some mirrors to catch the all-important butt shot for you.
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