The activity on the internet can be amusing if you’ve been around long enough. I’ve noticed a spike in my blog traffic from an old (2012, a long time in blog years) blog post by dormant blogger Gwen in Love that has recently been rediscovered, and has been making the rounds on Tumblr.
Gwen’s blog, a friendly, vanilla-ish woman’s lifestyle place, hasn’t been updated since 2013. But back in 2011, she wrote a post about women discussing fantasies with their husbands. That post generated a comment from a woman whose husband wanted to be locked in a chastity device, and that comment generated further discussion.
The woman followed up with Gwen in 2012, which led to 100+ comments over the next several years – long after Gwen had abandoned her blog. People alerted me to what was happening at the time, and I left a few of my own comments. Now that the post is on the Tumblr rotation, I imagine that a lot of people are reading the comments and clicking some of the links – resulting in a visitor spike over here.
Because the article is written by a woman from the perspective of a vanilla, non-BDSM, non-Femdom perspective, and because it’s very well written, I’m going to copy and paste it here; the blog seems to be abandoned, it would be a shame to have that nice bit of information disappear. I think it’s a good resource for all those guys who ask “How can I get my wife to…” But by all means, pop on over and read some of the comments. It would be interesting to see this discussion now that you can get inexpensive devices on Amazon.
Fulfilled Fantasy- Male Chastity Device
A while ago, we wrote about fulfilling fantasies and had a reader write in with her scenario. Time has passed and I asked them to share their experience so far…
“My husband and I have been married for a few years now. We got married rather young. He’s 28 and I’m 26. We like to think of ourselves as a fun, good humored, active couple. We love biking together, watching documentaries on Netflix and cooking together. We’re conservative and religious and we’re both very supportive of science, education, the arts and positive community projects.
I consider myself to have a healthy sex drive but, unsurprisingly, my husband’s sex drive has always been higher than mine. In college I was sort of proud of how well I flirted with guys. I thought that skill would come in handy in marriage but I realized that once married, flirting with my husband would quickly get him turned on and he would want to have sex. I like sex, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not always in the mood or ready for it. From my perspective, sometimes kissing can just be kissing, but not for my husband. Once he gets turned on it’s a beeline drive for the finish line. He wants penetration right away and then finishes disappointingly (or sometimes mercifully) quickly. I soon trained myself to stifle my flirtatious nature with my husband out of fear that it would trigger his libido. The cycle we found ourselves in wasn’t healthy and it was killing the romantic aspect of our relationship. Of course, at the time I had no idea of the damage it was doing. I just thought that marriage was going to be one big sacrifice in the romance/sex department.
After reading posts on GwenInLove about sharing fantasies, I thought it would be good for us to try exchanging our own fantasies. We set up our little fantasy exchange night and I went first. I told him how I liked kissing just for kissing’s sake, going on road trips, taking walks up in the hills by our house and other romantic desires I had. I thought I had done pretty well. Then it was his turn and… wham! He laid his fantasy on me. He wanted me to lock up his manhood in a small cage. I was stunned. On the one hand we have my angelic little romance fantasies and on the other his dark, medieval kinky fantasy. At least that’s how I saw it at the time. I was already frustrated with our sex life so when I heard the inner desires of his heart, I freaked out. I know I should have listened, heard him through, and tried to understand but I wasn’t thinking clearly and, to be honest, I was really only thinking of myself.
That night was a long one as my imagination about the man I married went wild. The next day while he was at work I hit the net. I posted a plea for help here on GwenInLove and another site I follow. Half of me was hoping to commiserate with women who had felt betrayed by their men, the other half was hoping that somehow I would find out that my husband wasn’t all that weird. An amazing response followed that you can see on the GwenInLove posts. I was relieved to discover that, although not extremely prevalent, male chastity is a somewhat common fantasy practiced by many “normal” and well-adjusted adults around the world. I felt pretty silly at freaking out and I decided to give an earnest attempt at understanding my man.
I reconvened the fantasy exchange meeting. It took some convincing because he was hurt by how I reacted the last time. I apologized and told him how bad I felt and that I wanted him to feel emotionally safe to share anything that was in his heart. He was still kind of hesitant and I just told him, “The cat is out of the bag now. There’s no hiding your desires anymore so let’s just go forward.” I told him about my online conversations and read him all the comments I had received. He was surprised that I went to such lengths and he started to open up. We talked and talked and he did his best to try to explain it. One of the commenters linked us to other sites and material which we read from together.
The conversation continued for the next couple days until I started to understand a little bit of his fetish. Let me just try to explain it here as succinctly as possibly. When he was in his early teens, my husband started to feel that normal attraction to girls. He developed crushes like we all do, but was too shy, scared or introverted to do anything about them. It sounds like the girls he associated with were probably confident, loud and pretty intimidating. As he got older and his crushes turned more sexual in nature, he realized that girls basically held him hostage by his own infatuation. We’ve all experienced it to some degree at some point in our lives. When the person we are infatuated with walks in the room, we freeze up, we can’t think or talk, we start to sweat and blush and it’s intensely pleasurable and painful at the same time. It’s pretty common when we’re young, but for some reason those feelings sunk deep into his psyche. He came to crave the submissive and erotic feelings he got when a girl exerted that sexual power over him. He has since grown out of his quiet awkward phase and by the time I met him in college he was a smooth, confident man. He is now a manager over many people at a high-stakes company. Yet, that deep yearning to be sexually and romantically overwhelmed by a woman is still lurking under his tough facade. When we incorporated some tame tie-up games in our lovemaking it rekindled that passion in him to submit some part of himself to a woman, to me. I was oblivious to it all, I just thought we were playing a kinky little game. At some point he read about the recent rise in the use of male chastity devices among couples and he was hooked before he even knew it.
Now back to our story. After all this talk and study I started to feel more confident that I understood my husband and I understood his fantasy and I had the guts to follow through on it if he did. I told him I was willing to give it a go. He seemed relieved and nervous at the same time and produced a chastity cage that he had bought earlier. I realized that he must have been serious about this fantasy for some time but had hid it from me because he knew I wouldn’t understand. That made me sad and I promised myself that I would be a more accepting person. He handed me the cage and I examined it. It was smooth, clear plastic and didn’t seem overly scary. He showed me how it worked and how it fit together to trap the man’s equipment without causing injury or any real pain. He showed me the little brass lock that kept it all securely fastened together. It was a very sensual experience as I knew I held a powerful tool in my hands and I could see the effect it was having on my husband as he watched. We put it on him then. I practiced putting it on and taking it off several times until I felt like I could do it without pinching him.
That night we held our own little lock-up ceremony that we had heard others do. We lit some candles, turned the lights down and made it as romantic as we know how. We set a couple of ground rules and a safe work. We decided on a trial run of a couple of days first, just to make sure that it didn’t cause any problems. Then it was time to lock him up. We got it all fastened on him. He wanted me to actually click the lock shut. I thought it would be more romantic he locked it and handed me the key, sort of like a token of his devotion to me. But hey, it’s his fantasy, right? I had prepared a line to say at that moment. Right before clicking the lock shut I told him, “Now that you surrendered your sex to me, I will take the honored place in your life that your orgasm once occupied.” It was cheesy but I guess it doesn’t sound cheesy to a man who has just been locked in a chastity cage. He face was priceless and hugged me tightly. I thought he might cry for minute. Then we kissed. Boy did we kiss. Since we’ve been married he has never been able to kiss for more than a minute or two before his clothes start coming off. Now with the device preventing an erection, he was brought right to the edge of desire for me without being permitted to go over. There he stayed for hours as we made out, cuddled, talked and made out some more. Much to my amazement we shattered all of our records for time spent kissing, even from when we were dating.
The next day would be his first day at work wearing the device. He was nervous that it would show through his pants but we did some modeling and as far as I could tell it was imperceptible. I thought about him throughout the day and wondered what he must be feeling and thinking. When he got home (right on time) he told me that he had been constantly reminded of me every time he moved, stood up, walked. He could feel the weight of the device like a gentle but firm hand holding him throughout the day, keeping me always just beneath the surface of his thoughts. He said he felt like an infatuated schoolboy again. He felt those same butterflies in his stomach as thoughts and desires for me arose up spontaneously throughout the day.
That night we made sure the device was still fitting OK. He made a small adjustment to it and we decided to go two more days. Those two days flew by and upon further inspection we found that the device was fitting well and causing him no problems. He is lucky. We have heard that many men require considerable trial and error to get the right fit or even the right device. My husband seemed to be made for the CB-6000 which is one of the most popular devices on the market.
Now it was time to actually start playing the game for real. I say game because in many ways it is a game. It’s fun and We are both playing it voluntarily. However, neither of us wanted to take it lightly. This is a game that must be taken seriously for it to be fun, so maybe that makes it more of a sport. I asked him how long he wanted to stay locked up. He responded that it was up to me to make that decision. He reminded me that it wasn’t his goal to stay locked up for any specific period of time, or to even be locked up at all. It was his desire to hand that power over to me and let me make those choices. I felt a rush of confidence as I responded, “Very well. I accept. You will stay locked up for no less than one week. I reserve the right to extend that if I see fit.” It was a little hard not to giggle as I said it but what followed was another marathon make-out session while his member stayed firmly locked in its place.
The next week was like being engaged again. Flowers appeared on our kitchen table. Chores seemed to magically get done around the house. I was treated to spontaneous back massages and foot massages (my favorite). I think my favorite effect was the little smiles and glances we started giving each other. We were meeting each other’s eyes and connecting in a way we hadn’t done since we were first married.
As the week went on I kept reading and learning about the chastity experience. I learned that you can’t just lock up a guy and expect him to magically turn into a prince. If he feels abandoned or that being locked up is nothing more than a tool to manipulate him then he will lose that erotic excitement and it will become a chore. These devices are only so secure and he may get out the power tools and cut himself free. (My husband is very white-collar and doesn’t have tools so for him it would be a trip to the local locksmith, which he would dread.) The key to keeping the game fun and erotic, and therefore keeping it going perpetually, is to continue to stoke his passions while he is unable to fulfill them. It’s not difficult to do. It comes down to the three T’s: Teasing, Touching and Thongs (i.e. dressing sexy). Of course wearing revealing clothing around him (when there is no one else around) or doing things like bending over or flashing some cleavage will get him going. Brushing against him as you pass one another, or running a toe along his foot while sitting together takes almost no effort and adds to his smoldering file. The most effective, however, is innocently dropping little teasing comments here and there. Some are very straightforward like, “How is my little prisoner today?” or, “It’s been so long, I wonder if I can still remember where I hid that key” or, “Are you sure we should see this movie? I hear [insert attractive move star] appears in a bikini and that might get kind of painful for you…”. Other teasings are more subtle like pondering aloud what it might be like for me to kiss another girl (one of his run-of-the-mill male fantasies) or even another guy. That second one really gets him going. I also get a rise out of him by using words like “lock”, “key”, “device”, “trapped”, “cage”, etc. in casual public conversation. He always blushes when I say them and I know I’ve just given him a little jolt. The key to keeping him locked up and on his toes isn’t the little brass key I have hidden in my kitchen, it’s the constant teasing that keeps his arousal and his emotions high.
Another thing I have learned is that male chastity is a long-standing kink in the BDSM community and much of the resources out there will also point you towards other BDSM practices. You don’t have to go there! Chastity has transcended that community and if you don’t want to include whips, cross-dressing, or any other activity in your play then you are under no obligation to do so. Never let someone tell you how you should be playing the chastity game. That is up to you and your spouse and you can make it anything you like…
How has all of this changed him? Well, contrary to some of my initial fears it has not made him into a sissy or a freak. He is the same macho confident guy I have always loved. He is still the boss at work and he is still very outspoken and influential among our friends and in our church. He has changed, though. He now knows how to show his love for me. Perhaps it’s not so much a matter of knowing how, but a matter of feeling the urge to do so. I think that is the biggest change in his character. He has always treated me excellently, but he now puts my romantic and sexual needs above his own sexual needs. Let me rephrase that: his sexual needs now include putting my romantic needs first, if that makes sense. It’s not just a mental thing either. It’s not just, “Well, I want sex so I better do what she wants so she will unlock me.” He knows it doesn’t work like that and he wouldn’t want it to. He seems to have submitted something to me on a deeper level and he gets pleasure from giving me pleasure on my terms.
How have I changed? Well, first I am far more confident in my own sexuality. I now have the freedom to express myself without fear of having to submit sexually as a consequence. I can flirt (with my husband) and tease and be as a sexually liberated as I desire and I know I am enhancing the experience for my husband without giving anything up. I think that confidence is spilling into other areas of my life as well. I never would have had the courage to share this story only a few months ago.
The truly ironic thing about all of this is that as we pursued his seemingly stone-age fantasy, the result has been a fulfillment of all of my romantic yearnings. All of our kissing is now done solely for kissing’s sake because for him that is the end of the line. We take those romantic walks in the hills. We do all those things I’ve wanted and we do them because it pleases him too. I don’t know how well I’ve described it, and frankly I’m still learning about it all myself. I don’t know where it will lead us, how it will all end or even if it will end. But I know we’re having a lot of fun, we’re sexually fulfilled and we’re closer than ever. If any couples share this fantasy, give it a go! It has the amazing potential to change your relationship for the better.”
This seemed like a fitting picture for the topic. Besides, I happen to like this one.
• As you mention, this has nothing to do with submission. As the poster says, “But hey, it’s his fantasy, right?” There’s nothing wrong with this. But it’s important that Chastity aficionados understand that their kink isn’t submissive per se. In this case she is a service top. I’ve seen numerous men attempt to sell Chastity as a big favor to the woman. Um, no. Not necessarily.
• I find it sad that the wife in this scenario had to go to all this trouble to get some non-sexual intimacy once in awhile. I hear this from women frequently: They’re afraid to initiate romantic touch because they feel pressured to follow-through with sex, Every. Single. Time. Maybe if he’d been more sensual to begin with, she’d have been more sexual.
• You wrote, “Because the article is written by a woman …” I think you’re taking too much on faith here. My belief is that most Chastity porn is written by men.
• The husband here became all lovey-dovey once he was locked up. Yes, that’s a possible scenario. Other possible scenarios include that he becomes irritable or depressed. So it’s not always all unicorns and buttercups.
Hey Dorothy –
First off, I also tend to think that most chastity related material is written by men. However, given the circumstances, I’m giving this exchange the benefit of the doubt.
That said, the idea that men get irritable or depressed without orgasms depends on a lot of factors, not the least of which how engaged their partner is. A lot of men have complained that their wives “set and forget,” which leaves them feeling neglected. An engaged partner can do a lot toward keeping the spark alive.
Which leads back to the idea that a keyholder is a service top. I won’t disagree that in some (maybe a lot of) cases this is true. Some women just don’t seem to click with it, while others find their groove.
And I’ve been saying for years that men should stop trying to sell it as a way to get them to be more romantic or to do more chores. That’s just… no.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“… the idea that men get irritable or depressed without orgasms depends on a lot of factors, not the least of which how engaged their partner is. A lot of men have complained that their wives “set and forget,” which leaves them feeling neglected. An engaged partner can do a lot toward keeping the spark alive.“
You seem to imply that if the woman just “does the fetish right” the man will be made more submissive by chastity. In my observation of my own partners and the partners of friends this just isn’t so. Some men will and others will not.
My issue is this: Men tend to enter submission practice and what’s becoming known as submission fetish* practice via porn and fantasy. Few seem to do much research in the realm of non-fiction. So they have an image of what they want, who they want and how it will be. And the experienced among us know fantasy and reality are often quite different. So a man enters a relationship with a firm, fixed, longstanding image in his mind. And if the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy on day one he panics and aborts the mission. This is as true of Chastity as it is of any other kinks.
* “Submissin fetish” is where a bottom imagines and erotic Ines what submission is/feels like, and wants those sensations without actually submitting, without giving up control.
Hey Dorothy –
I think that maybe we are not communicating. In the context of this story/article (and as with a lot of more vanilla couples), chastity is not about a submissive mindset; it’s more about creating a level of sexual excitement. This is why it takes a certain amount of engagement to maintain; if “Kate” fails to engage her husband with a little teasing once in a while, it could easily lead to some disappointment (which, in turn, I’m sure would lead to grumpiness, etc.).
Then there’s the whole concept around “enforced chastity” being a submissive act, which brings up an entirely new discussion – about which we’ve certainly seen some disagreement over the years. 😉
well, it was a hot read!!!!!!!!