Device or Denial? Apples or Oranges?

Anyone who has the desire to poke a hornet’s nest, but doesn’t want the risk the actual bee stings can drop into a chastity forum and tell the members that devices are stupid, and that *real* subs don’t need a device because they would simply do what their mistress commands. Then he can follow up by dropping into a submale forum and asserting that any of the men who claim not to masturbate because their domme won’t allow it are liars; everybody knows that men wank several times a week, if not daily.

Next: sit back and watch the howling.

This is because many of the guys in the chastity and OD groups are stoopid don’t understand that despite the end result; i.e., a lack of orgasm, the use of a device is actually a completely different kink than following the command of a partner. As I’ve written in the past, Mrs. Edge actually enjoys the idea of a device *because* it removes my control entirely. On the other hand, the people on the device-less side often don’t understand that one’s Domme isn’t controlling them; all of the control is actually self-control. The kink is really more about discipline and following orders.

In essence, one deals with the idea of *can’t*, while the other is the idea of *won’t*.

Most of you know that I’ve been writing for :mumblety mumble: years about the device side of denial, but for the last year or more, we haven’t really used it. I had some surgery that made it rather painful to use a device for some months, and then over the winter we only used it for a few weeks here and there when Mrs. Edge was on trips, and then in the spring it was bike season again, and since I’ve gone to a more aggressive road bike, the devices simply won’t work for me.

I haven’t been mentioning this, but it was bound to come up sooner or later. At the time of this writing, my last orgasm was when I was on vacation at the end of July. In 2012. No, that’s not a typo.

Like a lot of our longer-term chastity play, Mrs. Edge and I don’t plan on anything in advance, we just sort of… end up there. At some point around Thanksgiving she ruined an orgasm, and then wondered about how long it had been for me since she had allowed me to come.  I told her that it was on our previous vacation, and she just got it into her head that waiting until the next vacation might be a neat thing to do. And as the weeks turned into months, it appeared that it would, indeed be the case.

At about the 10 or 11 month mark, we talked about it. I told her that in some ways it wasn’t as much fun as using the CB3000 had been. I found that there were several periods in which I found myself deliberately not thinking about sex because my libido was fluctuating like crazy and it was becoming difficult to maintain my self-control. While wearing a device, I had been able to get myself worked up and become frustratingly horny; but this past year becoming exceptionally aroused had become a challenge — especially after having sex. I had a lot of healthy exercise and Graham crackers over the last six months. Mrs. Edge promised that if I stuck it out, that she would have special time planned for me.

As it happened, the anniversary date was during another family vacation. Last year, our bedroom was in a remote part of the house. Unfortunately, this year there was no privacy, so we both agreed to wait until afterward. Naturally, we have had all sorts of family things going on, including a number of unexpected visitors, so lack of private time is still an issue at the moment, which is part — but not all — of the reason that the clock is still ticking calendar is still counting.

But somewhere around the 11 to 12 month mark, something changed for me. I can’t really describe it, but in some respects, it’s like I’ve been bicycling up a long hill, and now I’m coasting down the other side. The denial has now become a matter of self-discipline, but for reasons I can’t really explain, the self-discipline has become easier. In fact, we’re having more intimate time lately than we’ve had all this past year, and instead of making me crazed over having to wait, it’s like… not that I don’t care, but like I don’t even need it. In fact, the other night, I told Mrs. Edge that we’ve been having such a good time that I’m totally okay with whenever she decides that it’s time. Next month, Christmas, next year, whenever.

Crazy, I know. I’m just not sure what else to say about it.


Speaking of denial, this is pretty much what Mrs. Edge told me the other day…

12 thoughts on “Device or Denial? Apples or Oranges?

  1. I love the distinction between ‘loss of control’ with the device and ‘discipline and following orders’ without. It makes sense to me because obedience is my kink, so having him *obey* me by not orgasming sans device (when he obviously can any time he wants) is a big turn on for me.

    I’m not anti-device in a ‘that’s cheating’ sort of way, but the idea of equipment and ‘stuff in my way’ is frustrating to me. The hassle I then have to go to to get to him if he’s wearing a device seems like I’m putting obstacles in my *own* way when I want access to his cock. I mean, I never say never, and wouldn’t mind giving it a go, but I do wonder if the device isn’t its own kink for some: Like ‘boys with their toys’.

    Also, in case you didn’t know, that’s a picture of Sophie Monk, Australian winner of Popstars with her girl group, Bardot (trivia nerd). They were complete rubbish, by the way.

    Ferns

    • Admittedly, while I could tell that there was a distinction, I never really analyzed it until recently – probably because I found myself in the middle of needing to understand what was going on. I do think that most people don’t understand that the kinks are really separate and distinct form each other. Yes, they can overlap, and some people enjoy both, but the way some of the guys in those groups argue about it is really stupid.

      And like you, while she likes the idea of a device, Mrs. Edge also occasionally finds that it gets in the way of what she wants to do. It’s interesting how it’s progressed for us in that respect.

      I sometimes think that devices appeal more to men because we have that little section of our brain that loves gadgets. I’m generalizing here, but a lot of years discussing this with both women and men lead me to believe that women, left to their own (heh) devices, would probably not have invented chastity devices; at least, not as a sex toy.

      And I’ve just been looking at pictures of Sophie Monk. She’s quite the cutie, although a little young for my taste.

    • To Ferns and Tom-

      I have thoughts that align with both of your opinions and perspectives.
      Miss Jessica denies me orgasm by simply telling me that I am not to orgasm.
      All she needs to do is say the word. She likely gets off on the obedience side of things such as fern described. I would not dare try to sneak a pleasure behind her back, it is simply not worth it, it would negate so much of what we have worked toward in strengthening our relationship through WLM. She is aware of devices, mostly because I have shown some interest in them, but she did not jump on line and order one, because she knows she does not need a device to keep me obedient and honest.
      So this brings me to the other side of things. Since you know that Miss Jessica does not need a device to keep me obedient, and I do not need one to remain obedient, I do like the idea of wearing one simply as a symbol, a reminder, and of course the added element of denial. So yes I agree,there is two different kinks, and even though I currently only take part in one and don’t need the other kink, I would surely enjoy and participate.

      On a side note, despite how ridiculous this may sound, sometimes Miss Jessica will make me wear my 4 band cock ring as a symbol of ownership. When I am soft, this thing covers like 80% of my cock and I will admit there is something about having this thing wrapped around my cock under my clothes while we are at a family function or such. I thinks its just the fact that I know and she knows. So I can only imagine what a device would feel like.

  2. @Ferns:
    > I do wonder if the device isn’t its own kink for some.
    I guess that was Toms point. Just like (actual, physical) bondage is its own kink and quite a different thing than being told not to move. There are people who kink on either of those two things (or on both, or on neither), and that’s totally ok.

    • No, I meant it as a third, separate thing. There are the two ‘with device/without device’ forms of chastity that Tom talked about, and then there is kinking on the device itself as a sexy-hot thing almost all on its own (I mean, some men lock themselves up, so there’s no-one controlling anything there).

      I’m thinking more of the glee and joy in *having the device* and *having it on*, feeling it against the skin, getting used to the weight of it, obsessing over it as an object, playing with it, getting a better, shinier, more complicated one, getting all into the technical details etc etc.

      Ferns

      • LOL – I might have to agree with you, if only because you described it so well. Again, I really suspect that this is a guy/gadget kind of thing.

        It occurs to me that in some respects it’s not much different than having an affinity for latex, PVC, leather, fuzzy sweaters, nylons, lingerie, etc. I mean, I enjoy looking at new and different devices, even though I don’t have any intention of getting one. They’re just so… so… so shiny and cool and everything.

      • Hm. While I wouldn’t deny that such a thing exists (we’re talking about kink, every possibility exists somewhere out there), I think that the point “some men lock themselves up” is not a good one to prove it. I did that myself, but it had nothing to do with kinking on the device – it was a more or less desperate measure to get at least some chastity in the absence of a partner. And AFAIK, that goes for most of those men who lock themselves up.

  3. Tom: I love your writing; it is one of the few refuges on the web that is based in reality not fantasy. Many of us are trying to deal with our feelings and real issues involving chastity. For years, I have experimented with chastity devices. I have not told my wife but am contemplating doing so. My thoughts are revolving around the question of “why” do I like it? I definitely prefer the device. buy Why? is it a castration fantasy? Yes, I prefer her to be “in control” of sex, even if I am on top. After I cum, I feel “limp” which I don’t like. Paradoxically, I like the feeling of unfulfilled desire. I can push her more (which I love–so does she). Again, paradoxically, I feel more like a “man” when i can push her to 3 or 4 orgasms. The intimacy of that is overwhelming for me. My release gets in the way. I know we are all different but I get more satisfaction from her than from my release. The device makes it more about her than about me. My wife likes penetration. What is your experience with strap ons? Which ones have you found most effective.? Thanks for your blog. JP

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