Following a new path


It’s hard to believe that The Edge of Vanilla as a blog is going on nine years, after my having spent several years on various online groups (most of which no longer even exist), and that Mrs. Edge and I started our chastity journey several years even before that. Fifteen years of “enforced” chastity and denial has been alternately a fun and frustrating ride, through some high and low points in our marriage, and into some areas of growth for the both of us.

I know that this blog has departed from the personal stories and insights into the odd bits of humor and interesting sex news, but that’s because I really haven’t quite been able to process the recent changes in our relationship. Not that things haven’t been good; for the most part, they have been. Rather, things are just… somehow different in a way that I hadn’t begun to appreciate until very recently.

A decade and a half is a lot of time for self discovery, and both Mrs. Edge and I have changed a bit during that time. We’ve gone from longer and longer term lockups for me, to abandoning the devices in favor of self-control (or more correctly, my giving over to her control); after which she experimented a few times with ruined orgasms, but eventually preferred to just deny me, in essence, permanently; a situation which I’ve accepted because it’s really what I’d asked for — not specifically, of course, but rather as a circumstance extending from asking for her control over me in the first place.

But it’s the way that our lives outside of the bedroom have come to merge with our play inside the bedroom that has now had the greatest impact on our marriage, and by extension, the future (if there is one) of this blog.

I’ve written about how Mrs. Edge has been very involved with the church, but usually from the volunteer aspects of running the various dinners and social functions that are the lifeblood of a large church in the suburbs. But in recent years she has become more religious-oriented, and in the course of attending a lot of women’s groups, women’s retreats, and assorted classes, she has developed a new conception of marriage and relationships — in part because of her accepting control of my sexuality — that has given her the mindset that she has a moral obligation to take control outside the bedroom as well.

There’s an irony in that her becoming more deeply involved in this aspect of Christianity has made her both less inclined to be sexual in general, let alone kinky, while at the same time her attitudes (and actions) have become more, well, femdommish — although I wouldn’t dare mention this to her because she has declared that she is moving away from such things. Indeed, Mrs. Edge has always claimed to be straight vanilla, and has never wavered from her position that our use of chastity devices or orgasm control has been anything but “normal” sex. That attitude hasn’t changed much, except that she now thinks that devices are unnecessary because a well-trained husband (meaning me) should no longer need them, and that any accidents or loss of control on my part (intentionally or otherwise) should be dealt with swiftly so they don’t become a habit. Consequently, over the last few months she has asked me to discard the small handful of toys that we’ve acquired over the years.

Because I’ve already been accustomed to long-term denial, I’m not overly concerned about her continuing to expect control over my orgasms; after a decade and a half of this lifestyle, it’s become second nature to me, and it’s rare that I even expect to come during our lovemaking — which of late has become more typically my performing oral on her until she’s satisfied and sleepy. It’s funny, but for most of our marriage, she didn’t particularly care about my going down on her. I mean, she enjoyed it when I did, but it wasn’t something she ever requested. This past year, though, it’s become a requirement several nights a week, usually at bedtime, after which I spoon her until she falls asleep.

For a while now she has been referring to this as “worshipping at her temple,” a euphemism that she picked up in one of her women’s groups. Occasionally, I’ll be working on something in the office and she’ll just walk into the room and announce that “It’s time for worship services,” and I’m expected to drop everything and attend her needs. Once satisfied, she thanks me lovingly and sends me back to whatever I happened to be doing.

There’s no expectation of intercourse; that’s reserved for the evening, and only before bedtime. I enjoy it just as much as ever, even without coming, which, as you can imagine, can be sometimes difficult. I’ve learned to hold back because I’m now required to “clean up after any accidents.” Yeah, the idea sounds pretty hot in all the chastity erotica, but trust me: the reality is very different, and even after a few months I’m no happier about doing it. Worse, I’m beginning to suspect that Mrs. Edge sometimes, well, intentionally provokes those accidents, for reasons I still can’t understand.

The biggest change in our relationship, though, is that her readings and women’s group sessions have led to her insistence that she, as the spiritual head of the household, has an obligation to set a course for us as a couple — and that obligation carries the requirement that she needs to  “continually correct the course” (as she has put it several times) when it deviates. Not that it deviates often, but when it does, for some reason it always seems to end up back on me.

Credit card is overspent? That’s on me for not calling her attention to beforehand. Cautioning her on her spending? I’m overstepping my boundaries and not giving her enough credit for being financially savvy. If I come home a little late from work? I should have called to let her know I was working late. If I call to let her know I’m working a bit late? I shouldn’t have woken her from her afternoon nap. I cleaned the bathroom on Sunday? I should have done it Saturday when she was out shopping so she wouldn’t have to smell the cleaning products. Clean it when she’s out shopping? I should have been… you know, I still haven’t figured out what made her upset that time.

Interestingly, she hasn’t insisted that I go to church more often.  In fact, she often skips Sunday services, herself, although she rarely misses the several Christian women’s group meetings each week — after which she usually comes home affectionate, if pensive. Dinner the next day is when she generally talks to me about things, including the need for the occasional “course correction.”

Those “corrections” originally felt like a bit of kinky play; you know, like “funishment.” Not that Mrs. Edge considered any of it be kinky, mind you, because she simply does not identify that way, and would be a little offended if you suggested it. Over the last few months, however, they have taken on a more serious edge; we no longer seem to “play” with it, but rather, she has become more determined to “correct” those little issues. What I mean is that she has taken it on as a serious duty because (as she insists) it will only serve to strengthen our marriage. Just before Christmas, she told me to go online shopping in order to replace our “toy” riding crop (an anniversary gag gift from a friend of hers) with a more “professional” model that would hold up better under actual use.

In fact, Mrs. Edge has recently taken to insisting that I need regular “reminders,” as she calls them, because there’s little to “correct” anymore.  Those reminder sessions seem to be shortly after those Christian women’s group meetings, too. And what with the Women’s Spiritual Reflection group, the Christian Women’s Reading group, the Women’s Godly Journey group, the Christianity and the Modern Woman group, the Women’s Christian Leadership group, and the Discover Your Goddess Inside group, she’s out at least a couple of nights a week. I’m being “reminded” quite a bit lately.

The “course correction” and “reminder” sessions are, as I mentioned, usually the day after one of her many Christian women’s group meetings, typically right after I get home from work. She greets me, always affectionately, and gives me a few minutes to unwind. Then she kisses me lovingly, and gives me a rundown of the things that she believes need some correction or (more typically) a “gentle reminder.” She then directs me to the bedroom where I’m to strip down, bend over grasping the footboard, and to “think about things” while I wait for her. After a few minutes, she comes in, reassures me that she loves me, and that this is all for the good of our marriage. And then she begins “correcting” or “reminding” me. There’s no rhyme or reason as to how long she corrects me; she prays out loud as she does this, and finishes when the prayer ends. Once finished, she kisses me, and tells me to take a shower while she finishes cooking dinner. After dinner, we snuggle on the couch watching some TV, during which she’s always very affectionate. Interestingly, correction and reminder nights are usually when she requests that I “worship at her temple” before bedtime.

And that brings me back around to what I mentioned earlier, about the future of this blog.

Easter is coming, and that represents a spiritual rebirth for Christians. Mrs. Edge has stepped up the corrections and the reminders this past week, and over the weekend we had a few long talk about what she sees for the future of our marriage. I can’t say that I’m completely surprised, nor can I say that it’s unwelcome. Yes, there are some aspects that have me a little apprehensive, but she explained that it’s to be expected. She has been reassuring me that she loves me more than ever, of course, even as her demeanor has become more firm. I have no doubt of this, for some reason; in fact, in many respects it feels as if our relationship has become stronger, and more intimate. The closeness has made the corrections and reminders worth it.

So, I guess I have to give some thanks to the Church for helping us to strengthen our marriage, even though it’s not what I would have imagined fifteen years ago. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to continue writing, as Mrs. Edge has become a little hesitant about me writing online, and hanging out in the various online sex forums. She no longer considers it to be proper behavior for a Christian husband, and is concerned that those “weird sex perverts” might give me improper ideas.

I certainly don’t want it to be a point of “correction” in the future, if you know what I mean.

 


 

 

 

Can we talk about fantasies?


Mrs. Edge and I have been re-evaluating our relationship lately. Nothing major or earth-shattering; we’ve just been spending more time talking about what kinds of things work or don’t work for us, and more importantly, why they do or don’t work.

Over the course of the last few months, I found myself trying to get her to understand what actually turns me on about some of my fantasies, and why I don’t need to act them out verbatim, as a script – something that she used to think I was asking for. And in talking about fantasies, I realized that there is a very common trope in femdomme related fantasy-land:  the woman who goes from Vanilla to Cruella overnight, and discovers that it’s her preference.

The stories usually go something like this: A guy is getting bored in his relationship, and spends more time masturbating to porn, and less time romancing his partner. She notices his lack of interest and becomes upset (alternately, she thinks he’s having an affair), and then begins to snoop. She then finds his secret porn stash, or browser history that he forgot to erase, or his links to FetBook, or whatever, and thinks to herself “If he wants a cruel bitch to dominate him, that’s exactly what he’s going to get, the bastard!”

The unsuspecting guy then comes home to find his partner dressed in a leather jumpsuit, dangling cuffs from one hand and swinging a crop with the other. Or Ms. Vanilla suggests a little light bondage one evening, and after he’s securely tied down, she changes into her newly bought Dominatrix outfit and then…

The stories usually end with the couple enjoying their new life, generally with the woman totally comfortable with her new role, and the guy expressing some kind of “Be careful what you wish for” ending.

Now, I know you’ve seen those stories out there. Chastity oriented tales end with the guy in longer lockups than he ever anticipated. BDSM fantasies end up with the guy being whipped, pegged, kept as a slave, whatever.

So, I was trying to explain to Mrs. Edge both these are such common tropes, and what men found so appealing about those sudden transformation stories. The only thing I could come up with is that they are in some ways a tale not so much about her gaining power as about his loss of it. But still, I’m at a loss to explain why it’s such a common theme, so I’m asking you, the kink brain trust, for some help in understanding this.

Anybody?


And while I’m thinking about dominant wives…

 

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t mind too much if I came home to find Mrs. Edge dressed like this…

Exercising Restraint


When you read the groups and message boards, it becomes apparent that guys who are into (heh heh) chastity devices are essentially looking for The Holy Grail. A device has to be secure, but it has to be comfortable. It has to be inescapable, but it can’t show up in clothing. It has to be capable of being worn 24/7 for weeks or months, but it has to be hygienic and easily cleaned. It has to be It has to be impossible to open, but needs to allow the Keyholder easy access. It has to be lightweight, but solid stainless steel. Or titanium. And easily modified in case one loses or gains weight. And it needs to provide absolutely free range of unhindered movement.

This last point becomes apparent over the summer, when the message boards (including our Chastity Forums) see an influx of members asking questions like “What kind of chastity device is good for wearing while I’m running/ jogging/ bicycling/ rock climbing/ swimming, etc.?”  And then we have another thread discussing the relative merits of this or that device, usually followed up with at least one person talking about how it was horrible for that activity, and to later be countered by someone saying that he had no problem, and hell, he actually forgot that he was wearing one.

After a dozen or more years of reading chastity oriented groups, it occurred to me that I don’t remember anyone saying something like “It’s not a life-support system, it’s only a sex toy. Just take the damn thing off for an hour, why don’t you?”

I mean, seriously?

When I took up serious exercising a few years ago, I went through a lot of time and trouble to find things that were compatible with my device. I modified the hell out of several different devices, and managed to lift weights, do a little running, and take up bicycling. And it worked — for a year or so.

But the more healthy improvements I saw from lifting weights and riding bikes, the more I was motivated to lift heavier and ride more. Eventually I got to the point where I simply no longer felt safe, let alone comfortable, with a device on. Oh sure, Thumper manages to throw some iron around, but frankly, he’s a masochist. After a few times catching the end of my device on a deadlift, I decided that wasn’t going to risk injury. So I gave up… deadlifting.

But over the course of several years, I went from riding 5 miles on an upright hybrid bike, to riding 50 miles on a sleek alloy road machine. You know, the kind with the long, narrow saddle, and the handlebars dropped low, and all that. After several experiments with saddles (expensive) and more device modding, I said “Screw it,” and just went out the way nature intended: with nothing but tight, padded lycra shorts between me and my saddle (for those of you unaware, cyclists in shorts are always going “commando.” The more you know.).

Yeah, I know. Blasphemy. Heresy. Traitor.

Whatevs. The point is that I decided not to let sex play (because again, chastity devices are sex toys) get in the way of maintaining and improving my health.

Giving the devices a rest for a while has enabled me to re-focus, or at least, to take a different perspective. For example, the other day I hopped onto the bike for a quick ride, and forgot that I still was wearing a cock ring. I made it to the end of the street and realized it was simply not going to work. I circled the block, ran into the garage to remove the ring, and then set off again. There was no way that I was going to be 15 miles out and finding myself too chafed to continue.

Admittedly, it’s easier for me to say this since Mrs Edge and I decided to take a little break from the devices. When I was wearing them all the time, I was naturally focused on what would work and what wouldn’t in various situations: which pants were better for concealing the bulge, which underwear was more supportive, which activities were easier to manage, how to discretely adjust myself during a pinch or twist. All of that became second nature. Now, whenever I see the questions about how to wear a device while running, or how does it affect road cycling, I have to admit that instead of reviewing the design specs, the first thing that pops into my head is “Just take the damned thing off for a couple of hours, and go running!”

Is it the fear that you won’t be able to avoid the temptation to manhandle yourself? I can tell you that before I go out for a ride in the hilly New England terrain, the last thing I want to do is make myself more relaxed by rubbing one out. Likewise, when I’m huffing and puffing up the local hills, the last thing I’m thinking about is my dick. I’m thinking “My lungs are on fire!” or “Why the fuck did I take this route?” or sometimes “Shut up, legs!” And when I’m finally on a descent, I’m not thinking about my balls, I’m thinking “I hope the ruts and potholes don’t get any worse, because I don’t want to get thrown off at 30 mph,” or “This is a pretty windy road; I hope the cars coming up aren’t crossing over the center into my lane.” Believe me, by the time I get home, my adrenaline and testosterone have been fighting with each other, and the rest of my body is too sore to even think about wanking.

To be fair, I also see guys on chastity groups try to convince some newb why he could — or even should — wear his device 24/7; often going pretty far in their attempts to overrule objections or concerns.

“Well, I work in security, so there might be metal detectors…”

“No problem! Just get the Holy Bone 3 in silicone and the plastic locks, and you won’t set off any alarms.”

Such responses probably induce a mindset in new guys which makes them think that 24/7 is the only acceptable way. I mean, why bother if you’re not going to do it the “right” way?

Look, I’m not trying to denigrate anyone who is legitimately trying to make their chastity device a 24/7 adventure. If you only run for a few minutes on a treadmill, or if you only bike 5 miles down the local trail, then maybe things will work out for you. This was really just a public service reminder that it’s perfectly okay to allow yourself a little break for the important things. Setting a record for non-stop cage time is fun, but don’t let it overshadow other things in your life which are just as fun, and possibly even more important.

Edit: The will-be-venerable-before-he-knows-it Thumper has a responsible opposing viewpoint  over here.

 

 


Denial?

I can’t explain it, but this picture of a younger Lady Sonia really does something for me.

“Now Tom, you’ve been thinking too much about having an orgasm. Way too much. That’s why I’m going to help take your mind off of those kinds of thoughts, so you can be more focused on me.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He Said, She Said: Losing Control in Chastity (w/Guest Blogger Tom Allen)


Tom Allen:

For as long as I’ve been reading about chastity play, I’ve run across the complaints from women who don’t know what to do with their partners once they are finally wearing a device. In the past, I’ve written a lot about how it’s important for men to give your body time to adapt to wearing a chastity device. Now I see that it’s just as important for men to give yourself time to adjust emotionally.

Here’s a conversation about this with Lady M.  If you’re new to chastity, or still having some issues dealing with denial, take a few minutes to read through the post, and maybe you’ll gain some insights on how to cope – whether you’re the keyholder or the holdee.

Originally posted on Monkey in a Cage:

[The following is a He Said, She Said featuring, one of my favorite bloggers, Tom Allen. Please take time (after you read my blog! Haha) to visit Tom’s blog. He’s a very experienced man with plenty to say on sexual intimacy and relationships, as well as some of the kinky stuff. Thanks Tom for taking time to write with me! ]

Lady M: Every so often, on my favorite Male Chastity forums, a specific subject comes up. Those guys that are relatively new to chastity and have managed to get their gf, wife or partner into it, run into a road block. It goes a little something like this: A guy wants his woman to take control, he finally gets his otherwise vanilla girl to agree to chastity & gives her the key. He then starts to freak out because he can’t get a hold of his…

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Reluctantly Cuckoo


I don’t particularly care for the cuckold and humiliation kink, and I usually avoid discussing those aspects in the context of chastity and OD. I mean, if that’s your kink, fine — I just really do not like the idea of humiliation.

Stabbity, however, has an interesting perspective, one that I don’t recall seeing around the handful of web boards that I frequent.  If it’s not your kink, either, or if you’d like to join the discussion, then it’s worth the reading time.

Cuckolding » Not Just Bitchy.


And if the idea of “be careful what you wish for” is appealing to you…

Cuckolding » Not Just Bitchy