He Said, She Said: Losing Control in Chastity (w/Guest Blogger Tom Allen)

Tom Allen:

For as long as I’ve been reading about chastity play, I’ve run across the complaints from women who don’t know what to do with their partners once they are finally wearing a device. In the past, I’ve written a lot about how it’s important for men to give your body time to adapt to wearing a chastity device. Now I see that it’s just as important for men to give yourself time to adjust emotionally.

Here’s a conversation about this with Lady M.  If you’re new to chastity, or still having some issues dealing with denial, take a few minutes to read through the post, and maybe you’ll gain some insights on how to cope – whether you’re the keyholder or the holdee.

Originally posted on Monkey in a Cage:

[The following is a He Said, She Said featuring, one of my favorite bloggers, Tom Allen. Please take time (after you read my blog! Haha) to visit Tom's blog. He's a very experienced man with plenty to say on sexual intimacy and relationships, as well as some of the kinky stuff. Thanks Tom for taking time to write with me! ]

Lady M: Every so often, on my favorite Male Chastity forums, a specific subject comes up. Those guys that are relatively new to chastity and have managed to get their gf, wife or partner into it, run into a road block. It goes a little something like this: A guy wants his woman to take control, he finally gets his otherwise vanilla girl to agree to chastity & gives her the key. He then starts to freak out because he can’t get a hold of his…

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Reluctantly Cuckoo

I don’t particularly care for the cuckold and humiliation kink, and I usually avoid discussing those aspects in the context of chastity and OD. I mean, if that’s your kink, fine — I just really do not like the idea of humiliation.

Stabbity, however, has an interesting perspective, one that I don’t recall seeing around the handful of web boards that I frequent.  If it’s not your kink, either, or if you’d like to join the discussion, then it’s worth the reading time.

Cuckolding » Not Just Bitchy.

And if the idea of “be careful what you wish for” is appealing to you…

Cuckolding » Not Just Bitchy

Masturbation calms restless leg syndrome

Masturbation calms restless leg syndrome – health – 01 April 2011 – New Scientist.


Well, here’s another article on the benefits of masturbation. It’s old – 2011 – but I just ran across it today while looking for something else.

Personally, I don’t have RLS, but once in a while I do get jumpy legs at night, which drives Mrs. Edge crazy. I found that exercising in the evening helps, although hard exercise too late sometimes seems to trigger it.

The above mentioned report (go read it, it’s just a few paragraphs) talks briefly about the dopamine rush from ejaculation, but I wonder if there’s a similar benefit to simply being sexually aroused with no release?


For some people, though, the benefits of masturbation do not outweigh the benefits of, well, not being allowed to do so.

Sex education: Brainiacs have fewer notches on their bedposts than those without degrees | Love & Sex | Life & Style | Daily Star. Simply The Best 7 Days A Week

As a matter of fact, this idea has been kicked around since the 1970s, but apparently there’s a survey that once again shows that kink and intelligence seem to be correlated.

Sex education: Brainiacs have fewer notches on their bedposts than those without degrees.



And while we’re thinking about brainiacs, Danica Collins as a strict schoolmarm will certainly make you smart.


Sex education: Brainiacs have fewer notches on their bedposts than those without degrees | Love & Sex | Life & Style | Daily Star. Simply The Best 7 Days A Week

What Is Sexually “Normal?” Rethinking Pain and Pleasure

Although I’ve long since given up on anything serious from Psychology Today, it having become the Cosmo of the social sciences, once in a while I run across a good article. This one is obviously of interest to some of the readers:

What Is Sexually “Normal?” Rethinking Pain and Pleasure | Psychology Today.

The part that struck me was the discussion around BDSM in the DSM-V. First, a definition:

You meet criteria for a diagnosis of sexual masochism disorder or sexual sadism disorder if you

Feel personal distress about your interest, not merely distress resulting from society’s disapproval;


Have a sexual desire or behavior that involves another person’s psychological distress, injury, or death, or a desire for sexual behaviors involving unwilling persons or persons unable to give legal consent.


And here’s where author Todd Kashdan tackles the more basic questions.

How do you parse out the distress of being viewed as deviant by society from the internal generation of distress? After all, part of our identity is the internalization of cultural standards of acceptable behavior. As with all psychiatric diagnoses, we must grapple with the notion of whether a person experiences clinically significant distress and/or impairment. But defining distress/impairment is tricky in the context of sex (with consenting adults); sex is usually regarded as an indicator of healthy psychological functioning that contributes to relationship satisfaction and well-being.

He goes on to list various ways in which distress might be perceived, and touches on the idea that not being — or feeling able to be — “out” about one’s sexual desires is also a form of distress.

As a result, 60% of the 3,000 respondents are not ‘‘out’’ about their BDSM interests; the stress of being closeted and/or coming out promotes distress and impairment in these individuals, similar to that experienced by homosexuals.

I don’t see any TV shows in production which feature a quirky sister-in-law, uncle, or neighbor who is an acknowledged kinkster, and people indulging in masochistic or bottoming activities are still played for laughs. So, don’t look forward to a “Will & Grace” type show that helps to make kinksters look just like the people next door.

Kashdan acknowledges that the lack of societal acceptance can have some grave consequences:

The confusion of variant sexual interests with psychopathology has led to discrimination against all ‘‘paraphiliacs.’’ Individuals have lost jobs, custody of their children, security clearances, become victims of assault, etc., at least partially due to the association of their sexual behavior with psychopathology.

I like how how points out something that many kinksters have been saying for years; you can “punish” your body with exercise or sports, and not only do people not look askance, many times they congratulate you on your determination. But once you associate a sexual component, then you’re a pervert.

He sums up a well-written article on the subject:

From the vantage point of recent research, people who practice BDSM are highly stigmatized by therapists as well as mainstream society. For the majority, it appears as though BDSM serves as a personalized sexual pastime as opposed to a manifestation of psychopathology, and their life problems are likely to be as common as the average single man  who has sex 1.7 times per month in a missionary position, is rather quiet and awkward, and lasts for 178 seconds before gasping for air.

While we could have done without the parting shot at the vanillas, Kashdan acknowledges the (too little) research that has gone into trying to understand those with an interest in BDSM, and decries the tendency for the medical profession to associate it with sociopathic behaviors. This is mirrored in the Comments section, which should not come as a surprise to anyone.

I’d recommend anyone interested in both the psychology and the sociology of BDSM to hit the link and read the article.



Wait, was that DSM or BDSM? I get them mixed up…