Following a new path

It’s hard to believe that The Edge of Vanilla as a blog is going on nine years, after my having spent several years on various online groups (most of which no longer even exist), and that Mrs. Edge and I started our chastity journey several years even before that. Fifteen years of “enforced” chastity and denial has been alternately a fun and frustrating ride, through some high and low points in our marriage, and into some areas of growth for the both of us.

I know that this blog has departed from the personal stories and insights into the odd bits of humor and interesting sex news, but that’s because I really haven’t quite been able to process the recent changes in our relationship. Not that things haven’t been good; for the most part, they have been. Rather, things are just… somehow different in a way that I hadn’t begun to appreciate until very recently.

A decade and a half is a lot of time for self discovery, and both Mrs. Edge and I have changed a bit during that time. We’ve gone from longer and longer term lockups for me, to abandoning the devices in favor of self-control (or more correctly, my giving over to her control); after which she experimented a few times with ruined orgasms, but eventually preferred to just deny me, in essence, permanently; a situation which I’ve accepted because it’s really what I’d asked for — not specifically, of course, but rather as a circumstance extending from asking for her control over me in the first place.

But it’s the way that our lives outside of the bedroom have come to merge with our play inside the bedroom that has now had the greatest impact on our marriage, and by extension, the future (if there is one) of this blog.

I’ve written about how Mrs. Edge has been very involved with the church, but usually from the volunteer aspects of running the various dinners and social functions that are the lifeblood of a large church in the suburbs. But in recent years she has become more religious-oriented, and in the course of attending a lot of women’s groups, women’s retreats, and assorted classes, she has developed a new conception of marriage and relationships — in part because of her accepting control of my sexuality — that has given her the mindset that she has a moral obligation to take control outside the bedroom as well.

There’s an irony in that her becoming more deeply involved in this aspect of Christianity has made her both less inclined to be sexual in general, let alone kinky, while at the same time her attitudes (and actions) have become more, well, femdommish — although I wouldn’t dare mention this to her because she has declared that she is moving away from such things. Indeed, Mrs. Edge has always claimed to be straight vanilla, and has never wavered from her position that our use of chastity devices or orgasm control has been anything but “normal” sex. That attitude hasn’t changed much, except that she now thinks that devices are unnecessary because a well-trained husband (meaning me) should no longer need them, and that any accidents or loss of control on my part (intentionally or otherwise) should be dealt with swiftly so they don’t become a habit. Consequently, over the last few months she has asked me to discard the small handful of toys that we’ve acquired over the years.

Because I’ve already been accustomed to long-term denial, I’m not overly concerned about her continuing to expect control over my orgasms; after a decade and a half of this lifestyle, it’s become second nature to me, and it’s rare that I even expect to come during our lovemaking — which of late has become more typically my performing oral on her until she’s satisfied and sleepy. It’s funny, but for most of our marriage, she didn’t particularly care about my going down on her. I mean, she enjoyed it when I did, but it wasn’t something she ever requested. This past year, though, it’s become a requirement several nights a week, usually at bedtime, after which I spoon her until she falls asleep.

For a while now she has been referring to this as “worshipping at her temple,” a euphemism that she picked up in one of her women’s groups. Occasionally, I’ll be working on something in the office and she’ll just walk into the room and announce that “It’s time for worship services,” and I’m expected to drop everything and attend her needs. Once satisfied, she thanks me lovingly and sends me back to whatever I happened to be doing.

There’s no expectation of intercourse; that’s reserved for the evening, and only before bedtime. I enjoy it just as much as ever, even without coming, which, as you can imagine, can be sometimes difficult. I’ve learned to hold back because I’m now required to “clean up after any accidents.” Yeah, the idea sounds pretty hot in all the chastity erotica, but trust me: the reality is very different, and even after a few months I’m no happier about doing it. Worse, I’m beginning to suspect that Mrs. Edge sometimes, well, intentionally provokes those accidents, for reasons I still can’t understand.

The biggest change in our relationship, though, is that her readings and women’s group sessions have led to her insistence that she, as the spiritual head of the household, has an obligation to set a course for us as a couple — and that obligation carries the requirement that she needs to  “continually correct the course” (as she has put it several times) when it deviates. Not that it deviates often, but when it does, for some reason it always seems to end up back on me.

Credit card is overspent? That’s on me for not calling her attention to beforehand. Cautioning her on her spending? I’m overstepping my boundaries and not giving her enough credit for being financially savvy. If I come home a little late from work? I should have called to let her know I was working late. If I call to let her know I’m working a bit late? I shouldn’t have woken her from her afternoon nap. I cleaned the bathroom on Sunday? I should have done it Saturday when she was out shopping so she wouldn’t have to smell the cleaning products. Clean it when she’s out shopping? I should have been… you know, I still haven’t figured out what made her upset that time.

Interestingly, she hasn’t insisted that I go to church more often.  In fact, she often skips Sunday services, herself, although she rarely misses the several Christian women’s group meetings each week — after which she usually comes home affectionate, if pensive. Dinner the next day is when she generally talks to me about things, including the need for the occasional “course correction.”

Those “corrections” originally felt like a bit of kinky play; you know, like “funishment.” Not that Mrs. Edge considered any of it be kinky, mind you, because she simply does not identify that way, and would be a little offended if you suggested it. Over the last few months, however, they have taken on a more serious edge; we no longer seem to “play” with it, but rather, she has become more determined to “correct” those little issues. What I mean is that she has taken it on as a serious duty because (as she insists) it will only serve to strengthen our marriage. Just before Christmas, she told me to go online shopping in order to replace our “toy” riding crop (an anniversary gag gift from a friend of hers) with a more “professional” model that would hold up better under actual use.

In fact, Mrs. Edge has recently taken to insisting that I need regular “reminders,” as she calls them, because there’s little to “correct” anymore.  Those reminder sessions seem to be shortly after those Christian women’s group meetings, too. And what with the Women’s Spiritual Reflection group, the Christian Women’s Reading group, the Women’s Godly Journey group, the Christianity and the Modern Woman group, the Women’s Christian Leadership group, and the Discover Your Goddess Inside group, she’s out at least a couple of nights a week. I’m being “reminded” quite a bit lately.

The “course correction” and “reminder” sessions are, as I mentioned, usually the day after one of her many Christian women’s group meetings, typically right after I get home from work. She greets me, always affectionately, and gives me a few minutes to unwind. Then she kisses me lovingly, and gives me a rundown of the things that she believes need some correction or (more typically) a “gentle reminder.” She then directs me to the bedroom where I’m to strip down, bend over grasping the footboard, and to “think about things” while I wait for her. After a few minutes, she comes in, reassures me that she loves me, and that this is all for the good of our marriage. And then she begins “correcting” or “reminding” me. There’s no rhyme or reason as to how long she corrects me; she prays out loud as she does this, and finishes when the prayer ends. Once finished, she kisses me, and tells me to take a shower while she finishes cooking dinner. After dinner, we snuggle on the couch watching some TV, during which she’s always very affectionate. Interestingly, correction and reminder nights are usually when she requests that I “worship at her temple” before bedtime.

And that brings me back around to what I mentioned earlier, about the future of this blog.

Easter is coming, and that represents a spiritual rebirth for Christians. Mrs. Edge has stepped up the corrections and the reminders this past week, and over the weekend we had a few long talk about what she sees for the future of our marriage. I can’t say that I’m completely surprised, nor can I say that it’s unwelcome. Yes, there are some aspects that have me a little apprehensive, but she explained that it’s to be expected. She has been reassuring me that she loves me more than ever, of course, even as her demeanor has become more firm. I have no doubt of this, for some reason; in fact, in many respects it feels as if our relationship has become stronger, and more intimate. The closeness has made the corrections and reminders worth it.

So, I guess I have to give some thanks to the Church for helping us to strengthen our marriage, even though it’s not what I would have imagined fifteen years ago. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to continue writing, as Mrs. Edge has become a little hesitant about me writing online, and hanging out in the various online sex forums. She no longer considers it to be proper behavior for a Christian husband, and is concerned that those “weird sex perverts” might give me improper ideas.

I certainly don’t want it to be a point of “correction” in the future, if you know what I mean.

 


 

 

 

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in chastity, Chastity & Orgasm Denial, Christian Femdom, D/s & BDSM, Denial, Female Led Relationships, Femdom Marriage, FLR, orgasm control, orgasm denial, Sexuality & Aging, Sexuality & Relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Following a new path

  1. What I find most surprising is that though you have blogged for 15 years I get the feeling that your sex life has developed without you and your wife having fully open and honest communication which takes into account the feelings of you both.

    Clearly part of the problem is that your wife is so conservative that she can’t talk about sex – possibly even to herself, and so things have just developed.

    One of the problems of safe, sane, consensual kink is describing to vanilla’s the difference between domination which is abusive and kinky domination (which some have described as the submissive being the one really in charge). I got the feeling that where you are at now seem like your wife is dominating in an abusive way whilst you are trying to view this as consensual BDSM style domination and are thus trying to enjoy it.

    I hope you have not found anything I’ve said offensive or hurtful – that’s not my intention. I also hope that things work out well and if this blog goes quiet we now know why.

    I’m sure someone could write a PhD on all of this – it is that complicated.

    • PS – An easy way to get a fresh view of what is happening now is to swap the sexes, ie She started off being submissive, but HE is now going to a church group and HE has decided that his wife needs discipline after which he gets a blow job, etc.

  2. cagedlion1 says:

    It’s interesting that we both seem to be evolving into wife led marriage and domestic discipline. Your course has taken fifteen years. Mine only a year. The difference, I think, is that my wife is open to ideas I present. In my case, I introduced FLR. Mrs. Lion has taken it up much more quickly than I expected. I was “corrected” Monday night and I still show the results. I don’t have your self-control and try to escape while she is “teaching” me.

    What surprises me a bit is that your wife’s change came from Christian women’s groups. My understanding is that many Christian churches subscribe to a paternal model and recommend domestic discipline for wives, not husbands. I wonder if the other members of her group are taking on the same role as your wife.

    I am confronted with the same soul searching as you about continuing my blog. Is it appropriate to continue it since it is called “Male Chastity Journal”? Lately, Mrs. Lion and I have been writing more about our newest change than enforced chastity. After over 750 posts, there isn’t a lot of new stuff left to write about chastity.

    Almost all of the feedback we have received suggests that our readers are more interested in our life together than the actual topic of enforced chastity. I suspect your readers feel the same about you. My plan was to provide myself with an online journal. Happily, Mrs. Lion has adopted it as well. We both read and discuss each other’s posts. I can credit the blog with helping us improve our marriage and rejuvenate our sex life.

    I would encourage you to keep writing this blog. Maybe Mrs. Edge will read it, perhaps contribute as well. That may seem far fetched, but Mrs. Lion is a very private person and after reading my posts for a while, decided to contribute herself. Aside from our loyal readers, the blog has become an important channel of communication for us. Maybe that will happen for you as well.

    It doesn’t sound like you are any the worse for wear after receiving all your reminders and corrections. I’m not either. What has surprised me the most is that I always considered spanking as erotic. I think that one reason I suggested FLR/domestic discipline came from an unconscious desire to get more erotic charge from spanking. To my surprise, corrections are not erotic at all. They are instructional in a unique and very painful way.

    I would nave never guessed how this change affects me. Sounds like you got a similar surprise.

  3. keyheld says:

    I’ve been reading your various writings for 8 or 9 years many on those now defunct chat rooms or yahoo groups. I always like the way you write and explane things and I always take note of what you say.balthough I must confess I haven’t read everything you’ve writen as I just don’t have time. You have some great wisdom in that head of yours.

    I must say I read this with a little sadnes as your one of those leading lights of the chastity community. I know your marriage is evolving and I wouldn’t want to disrespect you and your wife’s beliefs. I still fell sad though..

    All the best and I hope to still see the odd blog from you now and then.

  4. endymion says:

    As a long-time lurker, I guess this is a good time to speak up (well … now or never).

    I’ve always enjoyed reading your writing. Not only because you have a well articulated style, but mostly because you mostly come across as a level-headed person with a great deal of experience. The chastity blogosphere was certainly a better place because of you.

    Still, your explanation of your changing relationship makes me uneasy. From that description alone this definitely does not sound like a healthy dynamic. I sincerely hope that your level-headedness and good judgment extends to your current situation and that this future path is really something that you can and want to live with.

    All the happiness to both you and your wife!

  5. ptathuk says:

    Tom,

    It appears that I am not alone in my concerns for you. There is a fantasy line between trying to live an almost mind-read lifestyle and the more usual planned consensual lifestyle. You obviously know more about your own dynamic, and it would be difficult to accurately convey the entire subject in just one blog post. I always did like the Fisher-Price Toy advert where the youngster asked, “What’s that for, where does that go, etc.” I understand your reluctance to probe too deep (or at all) and risk what you think you’ve been working towards all these years. If it was me, I’d be asking the questions. (Curiosity, so it is said, is only dangerous to felines.)

    I would remind you, and confirm to everyone else, that it was you who encouraged me to start my own blog. The blogger pages have had over 1.8 million views, as of today. I will always be grateful to you.

    I have lost count of the times I’ve seen your wisdom shine a light on some silliness and sort it out. I don’t think you should underestimate the impact you have had, and continue to have, on the sites you visit. I would urge you to continue.

    You once told me that your two favourite colours are tight and shiny. I think that should you deny this, (by making some dramatic life changes), it will make you unhappy. Maybe not tomorrow, or even next month, but soon.

    I would feel very sad should you not even try to practice what you preach: good communication is key to any solid relationship. I would also feel very sad should this back-fire on you.

    I really hope this works out for the best – for you and your lady
    ptathuk

  6. Mrs Fever says:

    I don’t quite know how to respond to this… I keep looking at the date this was posted and thinking, “Is he serious? He can’t be serious. Not totally serious, anyway… I mean, seriously?!”

    Part of me wants to say, “Wow. That must’ve been difficult to put out there,” and I admire you for doing so.

    And then, on the other hand, I think “What. The. Fuck?!” and I can summon no words to appropriately articulate this whatthefuckery.

    :: cringe ::

    Sigh.

    I hope you are making a rational, informed decision about how to proceed, Tom. Given my personal history, the fact that this new leg of your journey is “Christian” in nature is triggering for me; Group Think wreaks havoc, and I don’t trust religiosity. Words are too easily taken out of context and teachings are torqued to the psychological/moralistic bent of whoever is running The Show. And despite what she is at home, your wife is just a bit player in the grander scheme.

    “Good luck” seems a ridiculous thing to say, but I *do* wish you luck. You’re going to need it.

    Namaste.

  7. MissBonnie says:

    You are being asked to login because DommeBon@gmail.com is used by an account you are not logged into now.
    By logging in you’ll post the following comment to Following a new path:

    I’ve sat here wondering should I respond or not. Like Mrs Fever the date had me questioning but know/reading toms posts for nearly a decade and communicating with him via those now closed sites and blogs, I get the feeling this is serious, know where it started too. It took guts to write what you did Tom and for that I wanted to come back out of the shadows (you know I lurk in) and wish you luck where ever your journey takes you. I know you will do what is right for YOU. I hope you, will do what is right by YOU.

    I also wanted you to know, you have helped so many others with your words over the years. Perverts and sane men, perverts and information-less females, you have treated all the same. You have helped and befriended so many that needed a sane reply. You have been voice of clarity, in sea of Chasity (and Femdom) confusion for so many. IF you vanish you will be missed. I will miss you too. Not enough ever say THANK YOU.

    Thank you for being YOU…be safe my internet friend make those sane choices you prompted others to do, for so long.

    HUGS.

  8. hmp says:

    Hi Tom.

    This was a beautiful, heavy and slightly disturbing post. I identified with parts of it a lot not so much with others.

    Like Mrs. Edge Her Majesty is the spiritual leader in our relationship. That’s probably a good thing as I am agnostic. She also claims to be vanilla though our relationship has been anything but for years. I know for a fact that she enjoys our D/s connection and it certainly sounds as though Mrs. Edge does as well. I have read some of the other comments and I hear their trepidation but it sounds like there are parts of this new direction that really work for you. And that’s great.

    I agree with some of the mistrust of religion I hear expressed in the comments though. It does seem as though filtering D/s through Christianity might have some potential pitfalls. Forgive me for saying so but coming from a (loosely) Christian background myself I don’t view that religion as being particularly enlightened or self aware when it comes to sexuality. In fact I think it is quite the reverse. So I can see why some folks are worried. But in the end you and Mrs. Edge know what works best for you and every person interprets religious teachings in their own way provided they are open minded enough to be flexible in the way they think.

    I would love to hear how your journey progresses but I understand that if Mrs. Edge no longer wants you to post you must respect her wishes. You appear to be submitting to her in the truest sense of the word, taking your hands off the wheel and allowing her to steer the direction of your relationship. That is what an FLR is supposed to be about in it’s purest form I guess. I think I am a lot more selfish about getting my needs met than you are but that’s another conversation entirely.

    Making D/s work in the context of a marriage where the man identifies as a sub and the woman identifies as vanilla is not an easy thing to do. It involves a lot of compromise on both sides. It takes a lot of experimentation to find out what works and what doesn’t. You and Mrs. Edge seem to be doing it very successfully. In the end no matter what anyone else says you should do whatever works best for you both.

    As others have said I also hope you continue posting and wish you the very best of luck!

    Warm Regards,

    hmp

  9. Raven's ron says:

    If you’re happy, I’m happy. That Mrs. Edge needs carefully selected ideas from a currently popular religion to justify to herself why she’s giving you the dominance you need (and deserve, since you’re a model husband), while pretending to herself she’s just being “holier than thou” does mean that you’re in fact getting the dominance you need. But do consider that when religion becomes the be-all and end-all reason to do things we get laws against, um, you and me (if living in the USA), you and me getting brutally murdered (if living in Syria or Iraq). As some of the above commentators have mentioned, perhaps you and Mrs. Edge need to have a very long talk about the fact that you’re a human being not an experiment in creative cognitive dissonance. With all due respect to her (and, from reading your blog, I have developed as much respect for Mrs. Edge as I had for my late Wife ), faith is no substitute for humanity.

  10. Roberto says:

    Tom, let me praise you first that I have appreciated your postings as the most sane and often most informative ones around. I hope you won’t disappear.

    Being Christian myself, I would say that there is little left of patriarchism in the church, and that is good. Especially in moderate protestant denominations, however, there seems to dominate sometimes feminist worldview, including adoring Mother Earth and an inherent superiority of the feminine over the masculine, which I see as less good and also less Christian.

    I wish you and your wife that you stay together and that you enjoy each other’s idiosyncrasies, may it be as kink or as feminine mysticism. Communication to know each other, as others pointed out before me, is key.

  11. Princess says:

    We run a DD website and everyone is welcome to Join. I have lived DD ( male led) for over 20 years. We have many groups, including a female led DD group.Please come and join us at http://www.myddlife.com

    Princess x

  12. vicvista says:

    I really do hope this was an April Fools joke. If it isn’t, then I’m with others here in my concern for you. This posting made me feel uneasy…and sounding nothing like any women’s Church group…a bit out there. I don’t have anything more to add to the concerns that have already been expressed. Please tell me you’re joking… ;(

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