Cock Locking

Okay, first off, I have my kinks and you have your kinks, and they don’t always mesh. I haven’t seen the acronym around much lately, but back in the day, web kinksters used to write some variation of: YKINMKBYKIOK: Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay. This was a sly nod to the 70s Transactional Analysis psycho-pops, one of which was a book called “I’m OK, You’re OK”.

I’m okay with that. Really.

But sometimes…

On a recent discussion in a chastity-related group, somebody posted a comment to the effect that wearing a device should make one feel, well:

“[...]I think you’re supposed to feel emasculated.”

Unfortunately, this stereotype is pretty much the first thing that most vanilla-ish people — especially women who have been pointed to the various sites by hopeful male partners — run into, and it turns them off. I’ve had a few private emails and comments over the years as to this little kink that Mrs. Edge and I have grown into, and in the past I haven’t really known how to respond, so I’ve just kind of ignored them. But as we’ve gotten more into this, I’m beginning to feel more motivated to explain how this works.¹

The worthless worm BDSM model, and its cousin, the Small Penis Humiliation kink, are certainly kinks that some people enjoy, and more power to them. But most vanilla people find it very difficult to accept that such belittling or humiliation kinks without thinking that you have some other deep-seated security issues. Sub/bottom males are portrayed in in the media as whiney, weak, worthless cross-dressers, and generally it’s done for laughs. I mean, how sad that you’d actually want to be whipped or made to eat from a dog bowl, right?

And perhaps I’m the one with the security issues, because I cringe whenever I hear one of my vanilla friends make some disparaging remark about such a character in some movie or tv show. But such negative attitudes affect us, the kinksters. Like many men, I’m not out cruising fetish clubs, and I don’t have a wide variety of partners to choose from — I’m married and trying work out something that both my wife and I can live with. Trying to explain what I like or feel to her gets lost when she does an internet search and the first (and the majority of!) images she sees are Mistress Cruella and her sissified sissy slut. Totally not her — nor her idea of who she wants to be, nor of who she wants me to be. And while things are better between us now, it was very difficult to explain anything to her when the first images that popped inter her head were of those groveling “worthless worm” types of men, and the overly dramatic “Crawl, you little bitch!” vinyl clad dommes.

Fortunately for us, we’ve managed to learn how to communicate with each other a bit better. I’m fortunate in that I can generally express what I want and feel, even if it takes me a few tries, and Mrs. Edge is learning to keep a more open mind, and that there is a certain give & take in how we approach things now.

We’ve managed to have a few conversations about the chastity and OD thing, and we’re finding that it has grown on her immensely in the last few years, especially when I explain that I enjoy playing for longer periods of time. She has mostly gotten over feeling that it’s too cruel, a throwback to those teenage years when men used to swear that their balls would explode from not having had sex. And as she learns to appreciate my constant touching (and groping) while in my state of frustrated arousal, she also finds a perverse pleasure in her feelings of control over that part of me. And that brings me to my main point.

One of the reasons that she kinks on chastity and denying me, is that she sees it as having power over a part of me that in itself is powerful. Mrs. Edge does not lock up my “worthless little dickie” (or worse, my “sissy clitty”… ugh, sorry, just the term grates on me). Rather, she locks up my cock – my thick, raging, turgid, veiny, purple, manly, hard cock. She does it — she enjoys it — because she’s asserting her authority over something that needs to be controlled; at times she even hides the keys from herself, by leaving them at work over the weekend, because she has a hard time resisting the temptation to use my cock — or rather, to have me use it on her. And it’s a strong temptation because I can use it pretty well.

See, Mrs. Edge is very practical-minded. Why would she need to bother locking up my cock if it were worthless? That idea completely escapes her; if it’s worthless, then what’s the point? Why even bother with it? Just let it loose and ignore it, then you don’t need to put up with the whining and cleaning and all that. Worthless? No, not for her, and certainly not what she envisions for herself or for me.

No, she wants it caged and controlled. She wants dominion over my cock because she knows how enjoyable it can be for her. She wants to make sure that I’m ready for those occasions when she wants it, and she wants my manly, male energy tightly controlled so that she can focus it at her own discretion. She wants my testosterone flowing, and knows that keeping me sexually edgy has many benefits for her, whether or not she chooses to unlock it. No, Mrs. Edge wants me locked up not because I’m worthless, but because I’m valuable. And that, my friends, makes me feel very special, indeed.

~~~

¹ Hey, GLBT activists have been around for decades, and BDSM activists are making inroads. Maybe we need a T&D / OD activist?

32 thoughts on “Cock Locking

  1. Wow. Very well said. The way femdom is portrayed is a caricature. This leads to some women not being interested in femdom since they were misinformed as to what it’s like. It also leads to people making assumptions about me and other submissive men. While I’m slowly changing that in the local scene, trying to change it in a broader base (the internet, where much of the misinformation is propagated) is tougher.

    Most dominant women and switches I know prefer a more masculine man. A man who’s worth something. A man who knows he has power and value. It makes what we give so much more desirable.

  2. I have got to agree. I was uncomfortable admitting I liked being submissive to myself because of the association of it being weak and unmanly. I also cringe at the term sissy clit, though I can see how its a term that’s a sissy might like using.

    I don’t believe that most submissive men like to think they are worthless, but most online porn and writing makes it seem that way. Especially chastity and cuckold porn.

    It makes a decent dialogue difficult, especially with someone new to kink!

    Yes I want to be locked because my cock is dangerous, because the strength of my sexuality needs to be controlled, channelled, possessed. Not because its useless, like you say why bother if so, why are you even with me?

    My wife has recently started making fun of my cock. She finds it entertaining. Why? because its not small, because she loves the shape and hardness of it, so its funny and mean to make fun of it. If it really was small and useless that would be plain cruel, she wouldn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t stand for it… She also says it in a tongue in cheek piss take of cheesy porn.

    People have said I want a man to submit to me because that has meaning, power subdued for me. You don’t get that from someone who really believes that’s are worthless.

    why is so much porn made that way?

  3. Wow, Tom. You’re on a roll of blog-posts-I’m-glad-you’ve-written-for-me recently. You no longer get to tell me you’re not a sex activist, y’hear?

    Also, because this was just THAT AWESOME of a post, I immediately picked it up for Male Submission Art.

    That said, I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone that while many people certainly prefer submissive men to be “more masculine,” it’s important not to be conflating that meaning with “less feminine.” Thanks.

  4. Great post. Speaking as someone who doesn’t even kink heavily on orgasm control, but just likes a bit of it, as a spice among many.

    “[...]I think you’re supposed to feel emasculated.”

    The tired ‘emasculated’ stereotype is one problem in that phrase. I can’t say I’ve ever come across a woman stating she’s looking for a ‘worthless’ whatever – outside of pro dom rhetoric. Inside client – sex work contexts this ideology can make sense. He has nothing of value to offer but money, so he must pay. The ‘worthless’ rhetoric is most popular, I think, with those who are just a website with wank pics and insta-humiliation phrases, and possibly remote key holding services. Look at me, I’m such a goddess, you’re such a worthless loser, pay here.

    As roo-roo says, the way female domination and male submission usually is portrayed is a caricature. The caricature feeds the commercial market.

    Heavens forbid a guy might get the notion that his willingness to yield control to another person can be attractive and valued in itself! Someone might become attracted to him.

    Unfortunately, this stereotype is pretty much the first thing that most vanilla-ish people (…) run into, and it turns them off.

    It’s not even just vanilla-ish people who get repelled. You can add me to the sample pile as someone who uses the attributes dominant & sadistic for myself and gets completely turned off by that stereotype.

    The other problem is the ‘I think you’re supposed to feel…’ part. Ah yes, let’s ask around among the general public to tell us how we should feel. That’s obviously the key to individual sexual happiness – not. If we had a habit of listening to dimwits who like to tell others what we’re supposed to like sexually, I doubt many of us would let our personal interests come alive at all.

  5. *waves another flag*

    Yes, all the chained-up manness, it is good.

    Another reason why I’m attracted to chastity/orgasm denial with male bodies is because of the cultural idea that their cock is valuable and worth something to them. And I get to have control over it even thought it is so valued, precious, and guarded.

  6. I want to make it clear that I’m not saying that sissy fetishes are wrong. Your Kink really is OK, and all that. I just wanted to offer up a responsible, opposing viewpoint to some of he current perspectives on the use of chastity devices.

    And this is an offshoot of the idea that there can be other choices than either the “worthless worm” or the “subservient knight” paradigms. Again, Mrs. Edge isn’t interested in wearing leather (more’s the pity), but she *is* interested in having control over a part of me that we both enjoy. We aren’t trading orgasms for dishwashing or other chores, we’re simply playing with something that we both find erotic.

  7. I truly don’t get the “emasculated” thing. It doesn’t actually make sense. An emasculated guy would have very little need to orgasm anyway, so what would the dom (or whoever’s controlling said guy’s orgasms) be denying, exactly?

    Maybe I’m just being too literal. I do that a lot, I’m told.

    I ran across a blog once where the guy said that his dom’s control over his orgasms extended to the point where he’d lost any interest in orgasm or sex, and that he didn’t even get hard when he went down on her.

    And the pinwheels in my head stopped turning, and the flowers wilted, and the music died… It was just, “…Oh.”

    Obviously, it worked for them. It was apparently just what she wanted, and he was fine with it. So, okay, Your Kink Is Just Dandy. So long as everyone’s happy, I guess.

    But in the land of my personal Do Not Want, I think the place they were at is the capital city.

  8. It’s no secret that I do not kink on submissive males, but I *do* love orgasm denial. IME men are best in bed when denied to the point of no return — licking my lips just thinking about it.

  9. Pingback: Locking up my man | Kink Unleashed

    • What, this one? I thought my post from a couple of weeks ago was much hotter.

      Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to write up a little bit about what happened after Mrs. Edge got back. Soon, real soon.

  10. *disclaimer – I am one of the vanilla friends of the Edge*

    I don’t find the lock-up cock thing emasculating. But. I do wonder if you have limited your natural kink?

    I know that in all relationships there is compromise [like I am a relationship expert.. *rolls eyes*] BUT.. how does the kink compromise sit in your relationship with Mrs Edge?

    Is locking up your cock as fulfilling as your sex life can be?

    • Kimba, we always need to limit things. I know that you’ve mentioned that keeping me locked up sounds like a waste — but that’s entirely your own perspective. Not everyone kinks on that, and it’s okay. At the moment, what’s important is that Mrs. Edge and I have found something that works for the both of us.

      Does it make things as fulfilling as they can be? I don’t know. However, I do know that things have gotten better than they were; so if it’s not as fulfilling as it could be, it’s at least going in a direction that we both enjoy.

      I think that you (being vanilla and all) perhaps miss that when you add a kink component to sexuality, then it’s another factor that generally adds to the enjoyment. For you, a lock up once in a while might add to the spice. For us, it’s gone beyond that, it’s more integrated into our enjoyment. It’s not that it has to be that way all the time, but being that way most of the time has become an enhancement.

  11. I remember the “emasculated” post, and I also remember cringing, and telling myself that I can be kinder to myself by putting it down and moving away slowly. So that was what I did. I’m glad you addressed it though. :)

    Kimba’s question kind of puzzled me – “Is locking up your cock as fulfilling as your sex life can be?”

    I mean, how can anybody possibly know if anything is fulfilling as it can be? I think we all strive as best we can to achieve our maximum possible fulfillment, and the reason I think this is because to do otherwise makes no sense to me. But since I imagine that very few if any of us have ever achieved maximum fulfillment (if there even is such a thing), then I also imagine that few if any of us can ever really know if anything is as fulfilling as it can be. Do you see what I mean?

    I mean, Kimba, do you know if limiting your sex life to solely vanilla activities is as fulfilling as your sex life can be?

    All I know is that my life is as fulfilling as I can make it at this point in time, and I’m always heading towards more fulfillment as best I can. :)

    • Lubyanka, while I generally follow that course of action, I find that lately I’m getting irritated at some of the stereotypes — again. I briefly addressed it there, which led to this post. The other day I told Mrs. Edge that her desire to keep me locked up makes me feel sexy as hell, in a virile “caged animal” kind of way. Interestingly, her own perception is that she’s keeping a (very!) tight control over her love slave. The idea of emasculation isn’t anywhere in this neighborhood.

      I’ve had discussions with Kimba in the past, and her perception is that Mrs. Edge is not making proper use of a perfectly good cock. You know: waste not, want not and all that. I also think that she may be unsure about the entire “not coming” thing; many people do, even kinky ones. After all, we’re programmed to enjoy orgasms. Naturally, I don’t presume to speak for her; I’m just relating my understanding of her concerns.

  12. Pingback: Lady Lubyanka – backtype | CockBot

  13. Tom… I know we have had the conversations about the waste of the perfectly good cock thing.. but.. that wasn’t entirely my point with my comment.

    Is it enough? The cock-locking?

    It seems that you are restricting yourself writing here as much as you are in your pants..

    • Kimba, if you’re asking me if I would like something more, of course the answer is “yes”. I’m kinky, and I would like to explore more things. But I don’t have to explore everything all at one time, and if Mrs. Edge can compromise to some extent by making the OD and chastity interesting and exciting, then I’m doing pretty well. In fact, from what I’m reading elsewhere, I’m pretty darn fortunate. And indeed, since she’s gotten back, we’ve had some conversations about just how interesting it could be.

      I hate to sound trite, but sometimes the secret to happiness is not so much getting what you like, but in liking what you actually get.

  14. Pingback: I come and she goes « Denying Thumper

  15. Pingback: I’m in chastity, not in-capacitated « The Edge of Vanilla

  16. To all,

    I’m just glad that there is some form of communication on this matter. As we know by the sheer number of online sex stores selling chastity belts and devices, someone must be buying them. Why is there not more talk about this in the mainstream? I the secrecy of the whole thing is what make it so exciting. It’s not like I need confirmation from the masses to validate the fact that chastity play is more than just fun, but it would be nice if everyone could be let in on our little known secret.

    http://www.bnd2plz.com

  17. Pingback: Chastity Aficionado « The Edge of Vanilla

  18. Pingback: Initiative in our chastity relationship | Locked for Her

  19. Pingback: I like Key Lime PieControlling Schnoff | Controlling Schnoff

  20. Pingback: Mars vs Venus | PleasureInDenial

  21. I am a single man 55 yo. I like to have sex a lot. I was married for 23 years now I am not. I will be honest and say I enjoy delaying or not cuming when having sex. As I have got older it has become easier for me. The delay or not cuming helps build a tension that keeps me on edge and excited. I would never wear a cage as I am not sub and do not understand why anyone would be. I can see from reading here that it is good for some and needed by others. But lets face it, all this femdom and flr is ucontrolled by males. If you did not agree to be locked up or pay homage to your woman how could you be compelled to do so. She is weaker in body and unless you are disabled you can walk away any time you want. So where is the domination if it your choice? Surrender with conditions?Women know this or they should. So is all the sissy and worthless stuff a blinder to reinforce the fantasy ? As I say I do not understand the want or need to dominate or be dommed as I just do as I want and never do anything I don’t want to.
    As I have got older I have found that the world is full of women who just want to enjoy life as do I. I admire the honesty of some of them .

    nd

Talk to me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s