Male chastity devices – in real life

I subscribe to a number of web boards on chastity devices and orgasm control. Yeah, there’s not much new happening in the chastity device world, but sometimes it’s interesting to get different perspectives and opinions on the topic. And quite often, somebody new comes along to ask questions or to look for support because, truthfully, there’s not much good information out there.

Anyway, while I subscribe to a number of boards, I’m really only active in a few; and that number is dwindling because no sooner does a board get interesting, when it seems like half the posts are some thinly disguised wank fodder, posted by people – almost always men – claiming them to be really, truly, true stories. Really. And for variety, sometimes the posts are (so it is claimed) made by women who have discovered some secret affair and now want to get revenge on their unsuspecting husbands by asking for advice on the best chastity devices for them.

Gaurrgghh!

Low cost chastity devices have only been commercially available for the last 8 or 10 years; this is a relatively new kink for many people, and it’s one that can be enjoyed by the very vanilla up to the super kinky. Why do some people with no experience feel compelled to pretend that they are qualified to give advice to people? It bothers me – and I admit that this is my own problem – when I see potentially good groups spiral down the tubes because some people just can’t manage to separate real life from fantasy. And it also bothers me that people with honest curiosity can’t get good, reliable information on this subject without being subjected to the “badvice” of men who (in my opinion) probably are not even in a relationship to begin with.

I used to get irritated with the people who jumped all over the n00bs, offering unhelpful advice such as “Lock up your husband’s cock, solder the lock shut, and cuckold him with a different stud every night,” or “It doesn’t matter if your balls are turning purple from the device; it’s all HER decision now.” Now I have a new class of people to get irritated about.

What is it with people who feel compelled to disguise their fiction or fantasies, and to post them on teh intertubes, pretending that they are factual or real-life encounters? Are they that starved for attention? Are they tired of playing Sims or Second Life?

Apparently they do not have a clue as to how mundane chastity – in real life – can be.

In real life, your wife or girlfriend does not catch you cheating and then secretly tricks you into wearing a device. She kicks your sorry ass to the curb, or at the very least, you get into a huge fight lasting for weeks, if not months. Chastity devices are the last thing on her mind.

In real life, nobody slaps $200 worth of plastic on their tonker and goes 24/7 for the next year. It takes weeks, sometimes months to get your body adjusted to wearing hard plastic (or metal) on your squashy bits.

In real life, unless you’ve modified a device properly, you are going to need to remove it once in a while to accommodate changes in your body. You are also going to need to clean it. You are also going to have visits to the doctor, have MRIs or CAT scans in which you will need to remove the metal bits.

In real life, any chastity device can be defeated. Trust me on this: there is no metal that can not be cut, drilled, sawed, or bent. Yes, it’s possible that your partner took your measurements while you were sleeping and made a custom tube out of tungsten carbide that can only be cut with diamonds, but a) it has to attach with something, and b) a well-placed tap with a ball peen hammer will shatter it.

In real life, most vanilla women do not suddenly decide that they want a sissified maid, nor do they suddenly decide that your cock is pathetic and they need to lock it up so that they can cuckold you with a 12″ hung bull. Most vanilla women will run screaming from the room if you suggest this.

In real life, if you tell your partner that you need to be locked up so that you will be more attentive, most vanilla-ish women will say “You big jerk, why aren’t you more attentive now?”

In real life, women know that trading your orgasms for housework and loving attention is a bit like prostitution. A lot of women get a very negative vibe about that.

And for those of you who insist that you need a device in order to be a better husband:

In real life, your marital problems are not going to be solved by hanging $200 worth of plastic from your genitals.

chstysent1.jpgAre we clear on this, now? I don’t want to be a buzzkill, but those of you who insist that your wife went from June Cleaver to Mistress Cruella overnight, has had you locked in a CB6000 for the last three years (even though it’s only been on the market for 18 months), and who is forcing you to take estrogen in order to turn you into a woman, are really becoming annoying for the grown-ups who want to have decent discussions about how to make the devices more secure, and what kinds of impacts it will have on our relationships. Your wild-assed scenarios are also scaring the noobs who wander in here looking for advice, there being so little available on the subject.

And look – there is nothing wrong with posting a fantasy as a fantasy; the internet is full of them. But let’s please stop pretending that your vanilla partner is suddenly going to go all dominatrixy after she discovers your affair with your secretary.

And if you are one of those aforementioned n00bs, then please exercise your critical thinking skills; if something looks amazing or fantastic to you, then get a second opinion. Don’t risk hurting yourself or freaking out your partner based on the fantasy life of some anonymous attention seekers.

About Tom Allen

The Grey Geezer Dauntless defender of, um, something that needed dauntless defending. Dammit, I can't read this script without my glasses. Hey, you kids, get off my damn lawn!
This entry was posted in CB2000, CB3000, CB6000, chastity, Chastity & Orgasm Denial, Chastity Devices, Communication, Fetish & Kink, male chastity, newbies, Sexuality & Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to Male chastity devices – in real life

  1. Aarkey says:

    Great rant Tom, and you know I know how you feel on this one.

    The crux of it all to me really boils down to the dishonesty. I can only imagine that the people who lie about it are lying because they are so desperate for their fantasy to be real, that they just don’t realize (or care) that their lies might negatively impact someone else’s real life… if folks aren’t able to discern the fluffers from the facts.

    Fortunately as it becomes more and more established as a kink, folks who have been around and read a bit and know what it really is like to clean a belt out while you are wearing it can help guide the sincere folks through the minefield of bull$hit.

  2. Barney says:

    Yep Tom, Have to support Aarkey here, however there are those who are serious about “chastity” and me thinks you complain too much.
    It seems to me that as a lot of males age, they no longer want to be the dominant partner, and are happy to hand over the responsibility to their spouse. She on the other hand is now free of children, and exerting her own self confidence into the relationship, and some are even “pleased” to be keyholders, if it means their partners do more to help out around the house.

    The problem I have with the wannabees, is that they put off those who are new to the experience.
    The other problem I see (and have experienced) is that after a period of 24/7 for say 3 -5 years these die hard folks, just fade out of the “chat” groups, and are never heard of again.
    I agree with you Tom, why cant they just be honest about their “journey” and if it doesnt work out then just say so, after all we are all adults here …………………arnt we !

  3. Logan says:

    Wow Tom, you captured my thoughts >exactly<!!!!
    This rant was long overdue i.m.o. , even though it won’t stop the problem it feels good that someone addressed it.
    I for one, would NEVER encourage my GF to read about chastity online b/c she would get freaked out by these idiotic pretenders.

    …Except for your blog of course 🙂

  4. Had one bad experience with a CB3000 and never used it again.
    Great post by the way, I may post it to a FemDomme group because I think it needs to be heard.

  5. Tom Allen says:

    Barn – we apparently agree on everything except the frequency and vehemency of my complaining 🙂

    I think that overall I’m pretty good about staying out of board politics and flame wars and all that. But I really do get annoyed at some of the posts – or posters – on boards that are having otherwise decent discussions. It’s frustrating. And look, stories are just fine – I’ve got some of them around here someplace, and other web sites feature many more good ones. Why pretend that your fiction is fact?

    For that matter, I can understand a little embellishing. If you want to say that your wife is a twin to Pamela Anderson, then that’s cool – especially if she’s reading it. If you want to say that you’ve worn your device for a months straight, when you’ve really had it off every few days to wash, then I’m not going to argue. But please don’t insult the rest of us by making outrageous claims and then getting mad at us when we call you on it.

    Logan – some years back, I gave Mrs. Edge a list of sites to check for research on femdom. I came home one day and she had gone through that list and decided to just Google on the terms. She almost freaked. “You want me to do that?!” It’s really too bad that you need a personal guide to, as Aarkey put it, get you through the minefield of bullshit.

    CitKink – Feel free. In fact, let me know where you post it – I used to read some femdom boards, but got tired of seeing the same kind of behavior.

  6. roo-roo says:

    Yes, yes, and more yes. I’ve recently gone off on the people who post obvious fiction and call it reality as well as the “I don’t treat my wife right” idiots. I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets annoyed by all this.

    What gets me is that they display this behavior, then they wonder why there are so few dominant women online.

  7. Luka says:

    Well said. This attitude can be found all over the blogosphere, not just in chastity forums. When it comes to sex there are a lot of people who feel the need to embellish, exaggerate and outright lie. On sex blogs it’s to generate a Sugasm or Fleshbot or a potential shag – I’m not sure what the payoff is for fibbing on chastity forums.

  8. Patty says:

    I love when you write about this Tom. We haven’t even looked at the forums for a while as they are just aggravating. And good point about any CB not being able to fix a relationship. It can definitely enhance, and even bring about better communication, but never fix.

  9. Ranai says:

    This is one of the things I like so much about your blog: your stories are clearly tagged as “The Stories” and easy to find for readers when in the mood for Tom Allen’s stories.

    Fiction-as-fact posts – what a bore. They even show up on kink discussion forums (not specifically chastity related) that have a section for posting fiction. You’d think everyone would be smart and polite enough to post their fantasies in the fiction subforum, to be admired as fiction? Or if it’s on a blog, clearly indicate that this is not a description of something they have done or are planning to do, and simply tag the entry as “fantasy” or “fiction”? Nooooo.

    If it’s an interesting fantasy, its potential for pleasing readers is sadly sabotaged by not marking it as a fantasy. If the fiction is a dreary, plotless conglomeration of tired clichés, pretending that yeah, it really happened, is not going to make the text less boring. Some of the most dreary ones even ask for advice on an obviously fictional situation.

    The irony is that kinky people appreciate interesting fiction. A text that is minimally interesting, with a clear indication that it is made up, will be remembered fondly.

  10. Verity says:

    Now, at long last, I must confess. You are a hero of mine and my heart goes pitti-pat for a guy who tells it like it REALLY is.

    Thanks, Tom

  11. Tom Allen says:

    roo – I went back to read your earlier entry, and it’s funny how we both phrased things so similarly.
    And don’t even get me started on the men who “need” to be chastity-ized in order to make them ore attentive…

    Luka – the payoff is probably just the attention. If your life is pretty dull, and if your partner wants nothing to do with your kinky, perverted interests, then posting something that other people might envy must be a little ego boost.
    I still think that most of these guys are flying solo, though.

    Patty – it would be great if you could write a bit on how it has enhanced your relationship. Feel like emailing something to me that I can publish?

    Ranai – I’ve had people ask if some of my fiction was fact, and if some of my real life was a story, so I made it very clear (I think).
    And you’re absolutely correct – a well-crafted piece of fiction is very enjoyable, and I do remember quite of few of them that I’ve read over the years.

    Verity – please stop by anytime and stroke my growing… ego.
    😉

  12. GreyOwl says:

    Whoa… nice rant Tom. Makes most of my stuff pretty mild. I was just looking back over some of the last year, including a fantasy of a year ago, looking for intimate chastity play.

    The weird stories I have run across makes me shudder, and as you mentioned, I wouldn’t recommend a lover just google male chastity or T&D… she would run screaming. I have left links to here of course in my bookmarks and history. 😉

    Thanks for the reality check.

  13. Tom Allen says:

    GO – A few years back, Mrs. Edge was looking on some websites that I had shown her, and she wandered off the path into some extreme femdom stuff that freaked her out a bit.

    The neat thing about the web is that you can learn about almost anything. The bad thing about the web is that there is so, so much crap that you have to filter out.

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  15. gothkat says:

    First off, very well written, much better then I am capable of writing myself.

    I’m still very much discovering the ins and outs of chastity although from what you may know about me, in a bit of a difference context since I am not playing in an established long term relationship, but rather, a relationship which started solely on the basis of sexuality and despite any emotional intimacy that developes, still revolves primarily around sexuality.

    This comes in part from my own history and preference, although my own inability to maintain an intimate long lasting emotional bond factors in, although this probably isn’t the place to go into too much of that either.

    I will, however, defend the style of writing which focuses on the erotic thrill and less on the day to day physical and emotional difficulties by pointing out that for those of us who don’t have your writing talent, it simply makes for a long dreary article which leaves the reader wondering why anyone would want to even consider said activity.

    Sure, most are probably fakes, but having been accused of being a fake myself in the past (not chastity related) simply because I glazed over some of the reality while trying to help a newbie understand their fantasy, well, it doesn’t make for a friendly experience for newcomers to a community. I should be clear, I have never run into you, or had this problem in chastity related discussions. I’ve also had this problem in real life kink gatherings on a couple of occasions.

    As you say some are blatantly obvious, claiming to have have done the impossible, etc. I think these types would annoy even their own type, although I don’t think most really understand how immature they are acting.

    Creating a community which feels open and welcoming to outsiders but still effectively filters the reality from fiction while still remaining open to those who have a fantasy and want to explore it, well, it can be challenging and the day anyone figures it out, I will owe them a debt of gratitude.

  16. Tom Allen says:

    Kat, just so we’re clear – I’m not complaining about the guys who write in and embellish a little bit, or those who change or leave out small details for the sake of privacy or expediency. My beef is with the guys who write in with posts describing how they were forced into an inescapable steel contraption so their wife could date other men who laugh at his pathetic cock while they are giving his wife multiple orgasms, and he can’t divorce her or else she’ll show the pics and videos to his boss and he’ll lose his $100,000 a year job. Yes, while there may be situations, as I’ve mentioned – nobody gets “forced” into a chastity device in a day, nor does June Cleaver morph into Dita Von Teez overnight.

    I also have a beef with the idiots who post things that are not only stupid, but downright irresponsible. I just saw a discussion about what kind of lube to use for a device, and somebody responded with “I used petroleum jelly. Goes on smooth and lasts for weeks.” Now, while it’s possible that this guy is using petrolatum, I’m betting that he’s never worn a device more than the three hours that his wife goes shopping and leaves him alone to surf porn. You can’t clean petroleum jelly while you’re wearing the device, and leaving it on for a few days, let alone weeks, would smell like hell because the oil traps dirt, sweat, urine, and germs.

    I have seen – several times now – men tell women who are simply asking for advice that they need to stop having sex with their husbands and that they should take other lovers. Did this make the women more open-minded? No, it made them horrified that they might have stumbled over some freakish cult or something.

    Yes, the trick would be to figure out how to monitor the group without stifling the discussion or scaring off the n00bs.

    Finally, I want to point out that most forums have a section for fiction. Unfortunately, most guys don’t bother to use it. Fair enough – but instead of writing “My wife forced me into chastity because she caught me wanking to internet porn and then she…” even if they prefaced their stuff with a disclaimer, like “I was thinking that it would be cool if my wife came home and caught me …”

    I mean, hell, I write fiction and I’m not ashamed to clearly label it as such. Some of my stories get a pretty good hit rate, so it’s not that people don’t want to read fiction.

  17. Wendy says:

    gothkat said “Creating a community which feels open and welcoming to outsiders but still effectively filters the reality from fiction while still remaining open to those who have a fantasy and want to explore it, well, it can be challenging and the day anyone figures it out, I will owe them a debt of gratitude.”

    I don’t know if I figured it out, but the effort I’m making is a yahoo group for keyholder that specifically bans talk of cuckholding, sissification, and outright misandry (you know, the “men are scum only worthy to kneel at the feet of their goddess” bit).

    Now, I know some people are very turned on by those kinks, and I’m not judging them or saying they’re wrong or bad or that they’re “not doing it right.” But those topics aren’t welcome in my group simply because they are 1) frightening to the noobs, and 2) common wank-fodder from the troublemakers. And 3) they make me squick, but that’s just me. There are groups where those topics are more than welcome and people are free to belong to more than one group, so I don’t feel like I’m squelching anything.

    By declaring the extremes off limits, I hope to keep the fact-asy (fantasy presented as fact) under control and focus the discussion on realistic topics. And if someone writes fiction that sticks to a, um, er, ah, normal kink, then I’m okay with it. As far as I’m concerned, whether two people actually did what they wrote about or not isn’t relevant, I either got an erotic thrill out of reading the narrative or not. If Deeta claims she locked Hubs up for two weeks and made him lick her every night when really he was locked up for eight days and only went down on her three times, eh, call it poetic license. But I don’t think those are the stories Tom is complainign about, and neither am I.

    I mean, really, you don’t learn to drive in a NASCAR race. You learn in a beat up old Geo Metro in an empty parking lot. Can’t there be some empty parking lots for chastity play without a bunch of dorks yelling that you’re driving to slow?

    The problem is drumming up enough interest. So far, it’s small and has far less traffic than the anything goes groups. But I’m working on it. A safe place for the noobs!

  18. Tom Allen says:

    Wendy, I’ll bet that many interested readers will soon be looking to join your group. I’ve already applied.

    I like your analogy of driving in the parking lot; that’s exactly the message that I’ve been trying to get across in a few of the groups that I frequent.

  19. dr purple says:

    I’m one of the newbies so I hope u are as good as your word and hear me out! My man has previously worn a couple of devices but his partner wasn’t very enthusiastic. He recently told me about his interest in wearing one again and directed me to various websites to get genned up on something that was totally new to me. Straight away I was interested, very much so and surprised by my interest too! So to my question……. are all products mail order or can I go somewhere and chat with someone knowledgable and actually see various products for myself? I really hope you can help me. Thanks for reading this and for any help you can give. X

    • Tom Allen says:

      Dr Purple –
      First off, welcome to The Edge of Vanilla, the spot on the internet where I can preen and show off and generally get my ego boosted to alarming proportions.

      You don’t say where you are from, but most major US cities will have at least one fetish/kink/BDSM shop where you can get a look at some of the more unusual toys. These are not the chain stores that feature “luv cuffs” and cheap vibrators; they are usually privately owned and advertise in the local alternative newspapers.

      Unfortunately, if you live anywhere else, you probably won’t be able to see one before ordering. You can, however, join one of the many web boards and groups where such devices are discussed. Keep in mind, though, that what works for one man might not work for your yours.

      The important considerations are Comfort, Convenience, and Security. Right now, the best devices for beginners are the CB3000, CB6000, and the Birdlock, all of which I’ve written a little about. They are readily available, and the 3k and 6k have several years of people having experience making modifications and improvements, and able to give tips on those three concerns. And certainly, you are always free to ask me.

      Personally, I tend to prefer the 3k (when worn with the solid 2k style cuff rings) over the newer 6k, which I have found to be a bit less convenient – but only a bit. I’m in the middle of writing a review of the Birdlock, which I’ve just finished wearing for a month, with mixed results.

  20. Iceman47 says:

    I wandered in here from the “other” site and I was sure glad I did. Your comments are a breath of fresh air, Tom and pretty much say it all as far as I am concerned.
    I am in an FLR and would not change a thing. I enjoy being led and I totally enjoy being in Chastity. Our relationship is normal in every way except that our roles are reversed which is something that I wouldn’t change.
    My pet peeve is about these guys who seem to be bragging about how they can get out of their devices. Why do they even wear one at all?
    Anyway, thanks for proving that there are some of us who view our lifestyle as just that, a lifestyle and not some fantasy or game.

    • Tom Allen says:

      The “other” site?

      Ice, I’m not sure that I would even call this a lifestyle. No, I take that back – Mrs. Edge and I most definitely do not call it a lifestyle. Hell, I’m not even sure what a lifestyle is anymore.

      For us, it’s just something that we do. We don’t have an FLR (although lately some people are telling me otherwise), we just have a marriage – a relationship – in which we do something things differently than what most other people seem to do.

      Calling it a lifestyle is starting to define something; I’m not sure you can define something like this without referring back to the norm, and until we get some clarification on the “norm”, then really, what difference doe it make?

      Just do what you do, man, and enjoy it!

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  22. Roberto says:

    Tom, First I want to thank you for the good advice that you have spread through your blog and in the chastity forum. I have appreciated your sober voice among other people who write as if they were wanted to get off on their own fantasies right now. Secondly, I visited this posting, because you had linked to it from your edgier vanilla blog as the source material of the copy cats at http://laotk.tumblr.com/post/118645178093/chastity-in-real-life-1-in-real-life-your-wife
    It’s regrettable that some blog owners can’t pay simple courtesy like linking to the original, which is really not difficult 😦 Shame on them.

    • Tom Allen says:

      Thanks Roberto.

      I’d like to give “laotk” the benefit of the doubt and believe that somebody else did the editIng and that he just happened to stumble across it. But even if that’s the case, he didn’t cite the source. And since he has a lot of text posts on his Tumblr, I’m now going to assume that he’s just copying and reposting. That’s just plain rude.

      I’ve found some of my stories chopped up and posted elsewhere, but this is the first time I remember seeing one of my blog posts.

      • Roberto says:

        I see another possibility if laotk is like me: if I find text snippets that turn me on, I sometimes copy and save them, without documenting the exact place where I found it. If I then wanted to share my kink with the world, I would publish them without the source. I would not, however, try to create the impression that I wrote the snippet, but write something like “found on the web”.
        As examples, I have two texts snippets copied below that I found, got aroused, and saved, but I know at least the web aliases of the persons who published it where I found it.
        “Before long most women start to understand, and I mean really understand their feminine power. This isn’t the same as them becoming dominant and domineering all of a sudden but they realise the power your own desire has over you, the power they have to spark that desire, and they learn from experience you’re not going to blow your top and call her a “prick tease” when she stops at the last minute and won’t give you what you want, but crave she’ll withhold.” (by Sarah Jameson)
        “There comes a time in every dominant’s evolution when they come to the realization of exactly how much power they actually wield. That is, just what they can make us lowly submissives do for them. On that day, at that precise moment, the world changes for both dominant and submissive alike. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.” (by nemo, husband of Ivey Green)
        I get turned on by power exchange through chastity, and it brings tears to a part of me, which is not my eyes, when I think about it.

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